Chapter 12
Ispent the day with my parents, my dad eventually coming out to eat. The water runs warm across my hands as I help my mom clean up the dishes. She always says it’s ok, but I like to help her anyway. When I was younger, I never did, but now I realize time is always running.
The older I get, the older they get.
It doesn’t really stop for anyone, and I want to spend as much of it as I can with her, with both of them. Because of my skating schedule, I’m never really home with my parents. I grab the dish she hands to me to towel off.
“Take these tomatoes back with you. I picked them fresh yesterday.” My dad says, walking over to the dining room table.
“Dad, where am I going to put tomatoes in my suitcase?” I sigh.
“I’ll pack it for you.” My mom chuckles, “Mom, you put enough stuff in there already.”
My dad grabs the plastic bag and hands it to me. Sure enough, it’s filled with my favorite cherry tomatoes, from his garden, no doubt. I used to get in so much trouble for eating them too early.
“Fine, thank you, Dad.” I laugh, shaking my head.
“What’s funny?” He says.
“Nothing, I’ll take them, ok?” I giggle even more at his confused face.
“Good.”
* * *
The TV plays softly in the background as my mom and I chat about how the training is going back in America while we wash vegetables. My phone rings, breaking our conversation.
“Be back, Mom,” I say, drying off my hands. She nods.
It’s Coach Peters.
Which is a bit odd, it’s a pretty early morning call for him, so it must be important. I answer, holding the phone between my ear and shoulder while I close the door to my room.
“Hey, Coach. How are you?”
“I’m doing great? How’s your dad?” He asks.
“He’s doing good now. Just got finished with the last of his doctor’s visits, and he’s all clear.”
“That’s amazing, Julian! I’m glad he’s doing well.”
“Thank you.”
“So, I’m sorry to be asking this during this time, but we’re in a little jam with an event we’ve got coming up, and I need to ask you if it’s possible for you to return a bit early.” He says, sounding unsure.
“An event?”
“Yeah, so we host a big volunteering event where we teach the youth in the community to skate, and the only free figure skater broke their ankle, poor thing.”
“Ah, I see.” I frown. That’s literally the worst thing that can happen to a skater.
I hope they get better soon.
“I was wondering if you’re interested. If not, it’s absolutely fine!” He chuckles.
“No its ok. I could do that. I think my dad will blow a fuse if I stay another week because of him.” I chuckle. It’s really true, though my dad hasn’t been the happiest, that I’ve been missing this much training in his name. He tells me to return every day.
“Oh, thank god! Thank you so much, Julian.” He sighs in relief, “I’m sorry for asking this again, but we like to at least have two professional athletes volunteer to keep the kids engaged; they love it.” He chuckles.
“No, it’s no problem!” I smile.
“Great. So I’ll see you, and I’ll send over your ticketing information tonight.”
“Ok. See you soon.”
“See ya, thanks again!” He says before we hang up. Teaching children to skate definitely doesn’t sound too bad, and honestly, I really miss the ice. I think I even miss the New Jersey air, I laugh.
My mom comes into my room and tilts her head in wonder, “Was that your coach?” She asks, glancing around at all the vases. There’s some on the floor at this point because I don’t have enough surface to store them all. I love it, though.
“Yeah,” I say softly.
“You’re going back?”
“I think so. They need me to help out and teach children to skate for an event.”
“That’s good, it will be good for you too.” I look over at her, “and it just seems like someone back there might miss you, too.” She adds, my cheeks growing a little hot.
“Mom, please…”
“Juyeon-ah…Is it a boy?” She whispers, coming over to sit next to me.
“Mom!”
“It’s ok if it is…I know you’re…” She stammers, grabbing my hands, and I bite my lip nervously. Why do we have to talk about this right now? My chest tightens.
“It is.”
“Ah, I see. Is he…Korean?”
“Mom…” I roll my eyes, but she just looks at me expectantly, “he is.”
“Ah, ok…That’s nice. I’m glad someone is taking care of you over there.” She says with a smile, and I try everything to stop, but I lay my head on her shoulder, crying anyway, as my mom gently pats my head.
* * *
I decided to take my parents out for a good dinner on my last night in Korea, and it was really nice. I forgot how long it’s been since we’ve been able to do something like that together, probably sometime before my first national competition if I’m being honest.
That makes me extremely sad as I sit for the last bit of my flight back to America. Which has given me a lot of time to think about everything, especially the one thing I still don’t think I’m ready to address: Carson.
I think I still need a little more time, even after returning to talk to him. Just until I at least know what I want to say. Though the longer I drag this out, the more embarrassed I feel to have to explain myself.
We land, and I make it through all the returning procedures. I head to the car park where the car is waiting to pick me up to take me back to my flat.
“Hello,” I say as I take a seat in the back
“Hello, sir.” He replies.
I scroll through my phone before the sudden urge hits me. I’ve tried to limit myself when it came to looking at Carson’s page towards the end of my trip.
But I just really miss him, even more so, probably because we’re in the same country again. I click on his page, and he’s not uploaded to his feed in a while, but there’s a photo of the first plushie he had given me, the bunny, and the caption reads,
“Has anyone seen my rabbit?” And I can’t help but laugh at that.
I make it back to my flat and thank the driver before heading up. A sigh escapes me upon returning to my space. Being home in Korea feels so different than being here. I love them both. But it’s nice to be back, oddly. I guess I’ve made a home here for myself too.
Hanging my bag and jacket away, I pad into the bathroom for a shower. I need to rid myself of this yucky airplane air before I climb into bed. That flight is always rough on the body.
I know I’m going to think of Carson all night, especially now that I’m here and so many things here remind me of him. I finish showering and snuggle next to the bunny that still oddly smells like him, same as the bear.
Is he spraying them with his cologne or something? I laugh to myself. I’m sure he wouldn’t spray his fragrance on gifts for his guy friend. But this one smells just like him too, or my mind is just wishing it did.
* * *
“Julian! Good to have you back, thank you for doing this again!” Coach says.
I come to the bench area and put my bag down; the kids are already getting prepared to get on the ice. They look so cheerful and free. I wonder if I wore the same look when I was their age.
“It’s no problem, Coach.” I smile.
“Well, the kids are pretty much ready to hit the ice. Some of them are at different levels of skating, so we group them based on where they are currently. You and Young are taking the more advanced kids.”
My breath catches, me and who?
“Carson is here?” I say, my eyes widening.
“Yeah, figured we’d have one pro hockey player and one figure skater. Both sports could really teach the kids different things.” He says, unaware of the internal strife I’m feeling. The rink walls are definitely closing in.
“Right.” I thin my lips to stop me from cringing.
I’m nervous as I make my way onto the ice where the children and….Carson are waiting for me. I skate over, and Carson looks at me, his face unreadable, and I feel like I’m going to melt right there. Joining him by his side in front of the children, I avoid eye contact with him.
“Alright, kiddos, now that we’re all here, finally.” He starts, and I feel there’s a bit of ice in his tone. Is he upset with me? What a stupid question. Why wouldn’t he be?
“I’m Carson Young, Captain of the New Jersey Scorpions, and it’s nice to meet you all.” He continues giving the children a big grin when they all cheer.
“Hi everyone, I’m Julian Song, National Figure Skating Champion of South Korea.” I introduce myself, and all the children clap excitedly. I feel Carson looking at me, but I’m still afraid to look at him, afraid of what I’ll find.
“So, how about we get started with a warm-up skate around the rink?” Carson says.
“Yay!” They all whoop and start their first lap.
“Can we talk later, or are you still feeling sick?” He says, and I whip my head toward him.
“I’m not.” I deadpan, not entirely sure why I feel so defensive.
“Good to know.” He says, his voice clipped, “So we can talk?”
“Sure.” I nod.
I finally look up at him, and I want to die on the spot.
He’s looking at me still with softness in his eyes, but I can see I’ve hurt him.
He’s biting his lip and his brows are furrowed as if he’s holding back what he really wants to say, and I suddenly just want this all to be over.
The event, the talk, the day, all three.
But I know I can’t avoid this forever, and I hate that I’m the cause of his anguish.
“Is your dad ok?” He breaks my thoughts.
“Oh…Yes. And, thank you, Carson.”
“For what?”
“Everything,” I say, looking up at him, hoping he can see how sorry I am, though I didn’t apologize for a thing. His smile is faint, but it’s there, and I feel like I received an award that I didn’t deserve for the first time ever.
We break off into groups, Carson taking one and me the other. Most of the children are picking up the lesson pretty quickly, but when I look over to the benches, there’s a little boy sitting by himself. I walk over to him and join him, his legs swinging slowly.
“Hi.” He greets me.
“Hey.” I smile at him.
“How long did it take you to learn skating?” He asks.
“Not long, I think, if I’m being honest.” I chuckle, thinking back to the first time I took to the ice. It really did just come to me naturally.
“I wish I could do that. But I’m still learning, and I don’t know if I can get it like everyone else.” He says, looking down at his skates.
“You can do it. Do you want me to teach you? Just you and me?” I smile down at him.
“Wait, really?!” He jumps up happily, wobbling a little. I catch him before he falls over and laugh.
“Yeah, you’ll get it.” I hold his hand as we walk out onto the ice.
He’s still somewhat unstable just standing on the slippery surface, so I start with that. I keep hold of his little hand while we do a few laps until he’s more stable.
“I’m going to let go, ok?” I say softly. He still looks a bit scared, but he nods.
I let go of his hand slowly, but stay close by in case he falls just like when I learned how to skate with my dad. When I would fall, he would always catch me and try his best to hide his laugh, but we’d end up laughing together anyway.
“I think I’m doing it!” He yelps excitedly. And he really is doing it. I grin as he makes his first lap all by himself. Feeling Carson’s gaze on us, I look over to see him smiling. I bite my lip, my ears warming as I look away quickly.
“You’re the best, thanks for helping me.” He says, trying to turn around and hug me, but he stumbles into my legs.
“Of course. You’re a pro already.” I smile, hugging him back.
“What’s your name again?” He asks, as we skate slowly together around the outer edge of the ice.
“Ju-yeon. What’s yours?”
“Joo-yeoon, that’s a nice name.” He repeats my name with a nod, and I laugh at his attempt. He’s too cute, “my name’s Aaron.” He adds.
“You’ve got a cool name too, Aaron,” I say, and he giggles. We do a few more laps together before he gets tired, and we go back to the bench to rest while Carson teaches both groups.
It’s quiet for a while, save for the other children gliding melodically around the ice, “I try to make friends, but I don’t know how.” He says, playing with his shirt sleeve.
“Same,” I say, and we both laugh.
“Yeah, but you’re so cool, you’ll get friends easy!” He says.
“You’re cool too. I’ll be your friend.” I tell him, and he grins at me. He reminds me of myself when I was younger.
“I’d like that!” Aaron says, grinning.
I think I really like teaching children to skate. I never thought I would enjoy something like this. We join Carson and the rest of the group to finish out the lesson collectively now that Aaron can skate on his own.
He’s actually rather good at it. I hope he feels better about his skating after today. It was fun seeing him get better and better the more resolute he became in himself.