Chapter 13
The event comes to an end eventually, and I feel a sense of impending doom as I walk into the locker room knowing that Carson is not far behind me.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I can only hope this goes well and he’s not too upset.
He’s just finishing up signing for the children when he enters and sits down on the bench in front of me.
“Carson…” I start, looking down at the ground, “I’m so sorry.” I say softly.
I shouldn’t cry, that wouldn’t be fair.
“Julian,” he says, trying to look me in the eye, but my head is still facing the ground. I can’t seem to look at him just yet. I feel so stupid and embarrassed.
“You don’t have to avoid me, you know.” He grabs my hand gently, “We can talk about…anything.”
“I know,” I whisper, half-heartedly, not sure if I believe I’m even capable of doing that yet. No, I definitely don’t believe that.
“So why do you keep doing this? You can’t just avoid things because they make you feel uncomfortable, Julian.” He says more firmly, and this time I look him directly in the eyes. His brows are furrowed, but his eyes still soft.
“I’m not sure.” I mumble, caressing his hand lightly with my thumb, “Juyeon?” My name sounds even more divine when it comes from his lips. I hum in response, allured by his deep voice.
“I like you.” Carson declares.
The trance breaks. I tense.
Pulling my shaking hand away, I stumble back a bit to create space between us. My head is swimming, and the room is definitely closing in again.
“I’ve only seen you with girls.” I blurt out. It’s the only thing my mind that clearly wants a way out can come up with.
“Oh, are you stalking me?” Carson laughs suddenly, and my skin runs hot. Of course, this is all funny to him, still care-free no matter the situation, how admirable. I sometimes think about what would even make him tip over the edge.
“I am not!” I squeak.
“What girls?” He says, his eyes darkening a bit.
“The one on your page, obviously.” I retort.
“So you are stalking me.” He looks so smug, it’s annoying.
“And let me guess, you’re talking about Kelly?” He says, putting a finger to his chin and tilting his head.
“How would I know?” I cross my arms.
“She’s my best friend, Julian. Since high school. And she definitely only dates women,” he says laughing, “I’m Bi by the way, in case you want to come up with any other excuses.”
“Oh.” Now I feel really stupid, my face hot and red. She’s not…
“I’d love for you guys to meet sometime? If you’d stop disappearing on me.” He breathes.
I don’t even know what to say about all this. I feel like my body is floating, and my mind is racing with all the things I did wrong or read wrong. Then again, how would I know when a guy likes me? I wouldn’t.
“Julian, can I ask you something?” I nod, “Why don’t you think you deserve good things? I know you like me.” But of course, he would know when a guy likes him.
“I do not!” I retort.
“Ok.” Carson smiles softly, folding his hands in his lap.
Why don’t I think I deserve good things? I’m not sure. It feels weird to even think about. I’ve only ever measured myself by how well I do on the ice, and even then, no matter how well I’ve ever done, the only reward I’ve allowed myself is the medals awarded to the winner.
“Let’s make a bet.” He grins, smugly, “You and I are going to continue on as we’ve been, and if you win the world championships, you have to date me.” Carson says. I stare at him.
“And if I don’t win?” I tilt my head.
“Then I guess you’ll just be right about everything. But you should prove yourself wrong.” He shrugs.
“Prove myself wrong about what exactly?” I clench my fists.
“That you can’t have both. You don’t have to give up one for the sake of the other. You can live both as Julian, a champion, and Julian, my boyfriend.” He chuckles, and I scoff. How absolutely ridiculous can he get?
“I’m just kidding, but really, it’s ok to just be you. This doesn’t have to be all you are.” He adds, gesturing to the room around us.
“And why would I believe that when that’s not been the case for me?” I admit.
“Well, you wanna win, don’t you?”
“You’re confusing me.” I shake my head.
“Ok. Don’t you want a boyfriend?”
Not really, I just want you.
“Are you making yourself the prize cause that’s kind of…” I chuckle, and Carson steps closer to me, into my space.
“No, your prize is for you to fucking live a little, to let go, you deserve it, Julian. What’s wrong with that?” He breaths.
I don’t say anything because I don’t know what to say. Everything is wrong with that. It’s all wrong. But what if he’s right? These last few weeks have been really nice, and if we both feel the same way. What is wrong with that? Why does it feel like I’m at a cliff and he’s telling me to jump?
“Here, let me show how good it can feel.” He crowds over my body, and I step back until my back is flush with the lockers. Until all I can smell is his smoked cherry cologne. Until all I can feel is the warmth of his skin.
He’s suffocating me, and I’m ok with it this time.
“Can I?” He says softly, gazing down at me, his breath ghosting over my lips.
I don’t know if he’s asking or pleading.
I feel the tinge of panic seeping into my nerves the closer he gets, but I can let go. I can. The urge to run away, snuffed out by how he feels like everything to me right now.
So, I just nod, my eyes fluttering shut as his lips press against mine, they’re so warm and plush just like I imagined, more than. I feel like the room has disappeared around us into nothing. As if our lips meeting takes us both to an entirely different place, away from this world.
So, this is what a silent mind feels like.
I didn’t think anything would ever feel better than kissing a gold medal. Yet Carson’s kiss is igniting something in me I didn’t even know was there as he begins to move his mouth against mine. I don’t know what I’m doing, so I try to mimic him and match his rhythm like I’ve seen in movies.
He wraps his arm around my waist, pulling me flush against his hard body, onto my toes.
Carson does something with his tongue that makes me whimper into his mouth, causing him to pull back.
He looks like he’s fighting against something he really wants.
I feel so drunk, I almost want to give it to him. I don’t even know what it is.
“You deserve this, even if you didn’t win, you know that, right?” He whispers over my lips.
“Carson..” I whine as he goes in for a quick and softer kiss, “I won’t lie, I need to make you mine.” He says.
“But, how about we just take things slow. As slow as you need.” His words feel like feathers dancing across my lips, “Just don’t run away from me.”
“Ok,” I mutter softly, tilting my chin up, hoping for another taste of him.
“You’re so fucking cute.” He says against my lips.
* * *
I’ve gotten back in my usual training routine, needing to play catch-up as the world championships loom over my head.
Me being away for some time isn’t helping.
But I must be honest, thinking about that kiss has me gliding across the ice like a swan.
Me and Carson are not dating. Definitely not.
But whatever this is, I’m between scared to death and wanting to jump him every time I see him.
He’s not really been any help because though we haven’t kissed since the first time, every time we cross paths as he and his team are leaving the ice, he sends an air kiss my way. Teasing me.
Besides that, I’ve also decided to start sports counseling. It’s not something I ever thought I would need, but I felt maybe it’s time I face the things I’m struggling with. Though there’s still some reluctance, I know it’s for the better.
Me and Dr. Chen are finishing up a session now.
I watch the sun set behind her; the office has an amazing view with floor-to-ceiling windows.
But she still manages to make it cozy with lots of warm and earthy colors and plants.
I always want to take a quick nap when I visit, especially if I’m coming after a long practice. It’s peaceful here.
“Well, is there anything else you’d like to talk about before we wrap up?”
“I don’t think so right now, nothing that wouldn’t take another two hours.” I smile, picking the lint off my pants.
“I would say it’s ok if it does, but it’s time to feed my rabbits.”
“You have rabbits?” I chuckle, pinching my brows.
“Yeah, George and Molly.”
“Holly and Molly,” I say, and we both laugh.
“Alright, well, I’ll see you next week, ok? And listen as the competition nears, I want you to remember what we’re working towards.”
The first project being me linking my self-worth to how well I do on the ice, and I don’t feel as bad since she told me that it’s common among athletes.
“Yes, I’ll keep working on it. Thank you, Dr. Chen.”
“Just Holly is fine, Julian. And of course.” She smiles.
* * *
Carson is waiting for me in the lobby to take me home.
He insists that he come pick me up. I always tell him he should rest as much as he can.
His team is doing well. They’re mid-season, and I know how important that is for him, how intense it must be.
Knowing that he’d rather use his free time this way does make my stomach flutter, though.
“I’m proud of you.” He smiles when we reach the car.
“For what?”
“For taking the proper steps, it’s not an easy thing.”
“Oh…Thanks, Carson.” I look down at my shoes, my face hot, “Ah, when we get back, I need to give you something, don’t let me forget.” I say as we get into the car before heading out onto the main road.
“Oh?” He wiggles his brows suggestively.
“It’s just kimchi, Carson.” I deadpan.
“Really now? Did you make it for me? A labor of love.” He says.
“No goofball. It’s a thank you from my mom…” I mumble.
“Ahhh, so you told your mom about me already? Wow.” He grins.
“Don’t get cocky.” I roll my eyes, “How did you even get it in?” He asks, his brows pinching.
“I can’t give away my secrets,” I smirk.
“Well, make sure you tell your mom I said thank you.” He chuckles.
“Of course.” I redden a bit. My mom and Carson communicating through me makes me a bit giddy. I know it’s such a small thing, but it feels like the biggest thing to me.