Chapter 9 Mia
Iwished like hell that I could fake the funk right now. I wanted to pretend like I wasn’t fucked up inside. Like this pain meant nothing, and I was perfectly okay. I’d done it so many times before for so long, but right now… I couldn’t. I was forced to face the consequences of my actions.
As I stood in this mausoleum, listening to my grandmother speak, all I wanted to do was walk away. I kept staring at the tiny coffin in front of me. If I was sure of nothing else, I was sure that it would haunt my dreams tonight.
Beside me, Titan squeezed my hand. I looked up at him and could see the redness in his eyes.
He placed an arm around me and kissed my forehead before pulling me into his side.
Behind me, my father rubbed my back. I kept thinking about what he said to me to get me here.
I was fully convinced that I couldn’t stand here and witness this, but like he did with everything else, Stanley Dillinger had read me like a book.
“What you are feeling is more than pain, it’s guilt. You blame yourself for this whole situation. If you miss this opportunity to say goodbye to Eden, that regret is going to fester into anger, and that anger is going to turn into rage. That will destroy you.”
“Daddy, you don’t understand. I’m so fucking pissed off.”
“Baby, I get it. Something was taken from you… something you didn’t even know you wanted so much.
You lost a child. That’s something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
As a father and now grandfather, I would lose my fucking mind if something ever happened to one of you.
When Maddie called and told me you’d… you’d been shot, I didn’t hear anything she said after that word.
It was like all the breath had been stolen from my body.
I couldn’t imagine being back in a world where you didn’t exist.”
“How am I supposed to move on from this?”
“You never move on from something like this. You’ll never fully heal. It will never hurt any less. You just learn to handle it a little better.”
I shook my head. “I’m not gonna be better until JacQues Dupont is dead.”
“I know, baby. We’re going to handle that.”
“No, I’m going to handle that.”
“No. We’re going to handle it. We ain’t doing this shit again, Mia. You try to handle this by yourself, and it could very well be your funeral next. I’m not burying my child, you hear me?”
I nodded.
“I can’t hear you.”
“Yes, Daddy.”
He pulled me into his arms for a hug and kissed the top of my head. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
I knew it would be a while before I could seek revenge on that son of a bitch.
Right now, I was nursing a gunshot wound and a scar from having Eden taken.
I’d passed out from so much blood loss and because of the gunshot, there was no way I could have delivered her naturally.
That would have been even more traumatizing.
I couldn’t imagine going through labor and not being able to hear her cry once she was out.
I would have taken her being in the NICU for months over anything like this.
Then I thought, what if her death was mercy?
What if she had been in more pain being alive and fighting for her life?
While I’d been laying in bed, I looked up statistics for babies surviving at my stage of pregnancy.
I was seventeen weeks and according to the stats, she had a less than one percent chance of surviving birth or shortly after.
Selfishly, I believed she could’ve been in that one percent because I wanted her to be.
The slight tugging on my hand broke me from the daze I was in. I blinked a few times before I realized that Grams and Titan were staring at me.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “What?”
“She asked if we wanted to say anything.”
I shook my head. “I can’t.”
He nodded and kissed my temple before ushering me into my father’s arms and walking up front. For a moment, he just stood there, seemingly gathering his words. Mrs. DeLuca broke away from her husband and went to stand beside him, as did Quaid. After a deep breath, he finally spoke.
“I uh… I never thought I’d be standing here doing this.
When you learn you’re gonna be a parent, there is a certain excitement you feel.
An instant love for someone you haven’t even met yet.
I didn’t picture myself with kids for a while still to come, but the moment I knew I was going to be a father, all of that changed.
“Then it changed again when she was taken. I’m not the most emotional man in most aspects. I don’t do all that hollering and crying. For the past two weeks, I don’t think I’ve done much but cry. I’m so fucking—”
He paused and his mother rubbed his back while Quaid squeezed his shoulder.
“I’m so angry because my daughter, my baby girl, is gone.
” He stared down at the casket. “She’s gone.
Most people feel like she was just a fetus.
That her life wasn’t viable because she wasn’t here, but she was.
She was a living, breathing part of Mia and I.
Despite what anybody thinks of us together, Eden Amani DeLuca was created in love between me and my wife.
“Despite our actions, she was wanted, and we deeply mourn her loss. We have to love the ghost of who she would have been. We have to imagine the life she would have lived and the little girl she would have grown into. We… we have to learn to live without her before we even got the chance to live with her.”
He broke into tears, and that’s when his father made his way to the front. Watching him hold his son, the man I never saw let anything break him down, made me cry harder than I already was. I did this. I broke him. I broke us.
“I’m sorry,” I cried. “I’m so sorry, Titan!”
I couldn’t control the tears as they continued to fall. The harder I fought to regain my composure, the harder it became. My knees felt weak, and my chest felt tight.
“I can’t—” I gasped. “I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe!”
“You’re having a panic attack,” Daddy said calmly. “Listen to my voice. You hear me?”
I nodded as I clutched my chest.
“Focus on me and the sound of my voice. Breathe, Mia. We’re gonna do this together.
In through your nose, out through your mouth.
Okay? I’m gonna count you down. One… two…
three… four.” He lifted his hand as he counted, giving me something to follow.
“Hold it. One… two. Now out through your mouth. Nice and slow.”
I closed my eyes, but he snapped his fingers in my face.
“Focus on me, baby girl. In through your nose, out through your mouth.”
I focused on his eyes and mimicked his actions.
“That’s it,” he said quietly. “You’re doing great. Again.”
I repeated the same steps as he kept the rhythm steady, softly counting each time. Eventually, my breathing slowed. The tremors in my body eased, and calm slowly crept in.
“You’re good,” Daddy said, cupping my face. “You’re okay.”
My body was calm, but I wasn’t okay. I wasn’t sure I’d ever be okay again.
The memorial was over, and we were all back at the big house for the repast.
My aunts had stayed back to do the cooking since they were the only people Grams allowed to help in the kitchen.
I was sitting away from everyone in a far corner of the yard.
After my panic attack, I just wanted some space.
Titan sat in another corner, drinking what I’d counted to be his third drink.
We hadn’t said a word to each other since we got here, and maybe that was best right now.
“Mia.”
I looked up to see Kerrion standing in front of me with a woman, a little girl, and my nephew.
“Hey, Steel,” I said softly as I wiped my eyes.
He gently pulled me to my feet and into his arms, his big frame damn near swallowing me up.
“I’ve missed you, sis,” he said, kissing my temple.
“I’ve missed you too.”
Of all my brothers, Kerrion was the most levelheaded. He didn’t do too much, and he had always been the most understanding and loving.
I pulled back from him and looked at my nephew, who was just staring at me.
When I was away, I did FaceTime calls with the family, and his little smile always brightened my day.
I wasn’t sure if he would recognize me in person, but when he started smiling, I knew he did.
With trembling hands, I reached for him, and he came to me, resting his head on my shoulder.
It took everything in me not to cry in that moment.
“You remember your auntie, Fat Man?” Kerrion said, rubbing my back.
“He’s gotten so big.”
“’Cause he eats like his uncle.”
That made me smile because I knew he was talking about Smoke’s big ass.
“And his daddy,” I added.
He kissed his teeth. “Whatever. I um… I wanted to introduce you to two very special people. This is Neha and our daughter, Nayelli.”
I turned to face the beautiful, plus-sized woman and little girl. That’s when it dawned on me that they had been at the house when everybody came over. He’d sent me pictures of his daughter, and I hadn’t even recognized her.
“I’m sorry,” I apologized, slapping my forehead. “I didn’t mean to overlook you.”
Neha smiled. “It’s completely fine. It’s nice to meet you, and I’m so sorry for your loss.”
I swallowed hard. I hated those words.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
My gaze drifted to Nayelli. She didn’t wait for me to address her. She came straight into my arms and hugged me.
“I’m so happy to meet you, Auntie Mia. Daddy’s told me so much about you.”
“I’m happy to finally meet you too. You’re so beautiful.”
She looked up at me. “I’ve been praying for you,” she said softly. “I know your heart hurts, but you’ll feel better soon. Your baby will always be in your heart.”
That did it.
The floodgates opened again. She held on to me tighter, gently rubbing my back.
“It’s okay,” she said. “I got you, auntie.”
My tears caused KJ to lift his head. His little lips trembled, and he started to cry too.
“I’m sorry, KJ,” I said, bouncing him. “I’m okay. You don’t have to cry.”