19. 열아홉 ‘yeolahob’
Daldust hasn’t written in a while, and sure, I said I was going to take longer to respond. Not hearing from him makes me realise how big of a part in my life he’s become.
Someone I can go to forget about my day, because he doesn’t know how it went.
‘Hi Becca,’ I say, walking into Greener’s .
It’s been a while since I visited. My life went from zero to hundred super fast over the past month and half, and unfortunately, the ones who have been there longer got left behind.
‘Hi stranger,’ she says. Her copper locks bounce in a ponytail as she moves around the counter to meet me.
‘I’m sorry, I know I haven’t been around much.’
‘Is everything okay?’ she asks.
I smile, avoiding actual words as a response before changing subjects. ‘Are you still interested in a collaboration? It’s been almost a month since we last spoke of it.’
‘Girl, of course. I already have my menu done. You just need to hand me yours.’
‘I’m close to finishing it. I just wanted to tell you an idea. Since December is coming up, I was thinking we could do a Christmas-themed collaboration. I’ve been working on new recipes for my bakery that I could use for this as well.’
‘I love that!’ Rebecca turns around and calls to the kitchen. ‘Jeremiah, come here!’
Her twin comes out, wiping his hands on the black apron around his waist.
‘What?’ he asks right before looking up at us. ‘Oh…Hi Lilah! It’s been a while.’
‘It has.’ I chuckle. I’m glad to see him more at ease with me, stuttering less.
I understand him. I was his Elijah and although he didn’t get a chance like I did, a crush is still a crush.
‘Lilah had the brilliant idea for us to have a Christmas-themed collaboration. Do you think we can make our dishes more jolly?’ his sister questions him.
‘Yeah, we can make that happen. I have some ideas. I just need to make sure they work.’
‘Awesome!’ I say. ‘I’ll bring you my menu after I close the shop, and you can show me yours whenever you’re ready.’
‘Jer, do you think you can take this on? I have some other business I need to attend this week, so I won’t have any time available.’ Becca turns to her brother, placing her hands on his shoulders.
He looks at me for a quick second before inhaling. ‘I can handle it.’
The corners of my lips lift after hearing those words, a weight that went by unnoticed lifting off my heart. It pained me to see him get hurt, so I’m selfishly happy he’s healing.
My steps as I return to the bakery come lighter, one less burden trapped in me. Even the weather seems to have warmed up as people take off their winter scarves.
One thing that sets this street apart from every other road in London is how the sun illuminates it with a brighter glow. It could be the people who emit that certain aura, but the days appear crisper and the air carries a purer scent.
Today I change the ambient sound in the bakery from a popular radio station to a jazz tune. I’m feeling inspired, and jazz has a way of making me believe I’m in a film—in this case, one where once colourful leaves drifted in the wind and now the trees lay bare. Where people have begun putting fairy lights on their windows and green pine trees stacked with dazzling ornaments welcome the holiday season approaching us.
The shop’s movement is not substantial on a Tuesday, so it’s a day I’m more productive in my baking, and as I prepare some treats for tomorrow, the music fills my soul. I take the chance to go to the small storage compartment I have in the kitchen for decorations and grab last year’s Christmas box.
One particular thought pops into my mind as I hang the lights around the windows and decorate the small tree I place on the counter. Should I call the number on the card? What will I find if I do? Do I want to remember?
If I deleted the memory from my mind, it must have been for a reason. Should I betray my old self?
I am working on my issues without knowing the past. I know I can keep doing that.
Would it speed up the process? Yes. Is it worth it? I don’t know.
‘Lilah!’ Elisa greets me as she enters the bakery. ‘We’re going shopping today.’
‘Shopping?’
She nears the counter and the bell on top of the door rings, deviating my attention from my best friend.
Two young men wearing all black smile as they walk in.
‘You’re all hanging out today?’ I ask.
‘We were able to close the parlour earlier and met Elisa on the way here,’ Elijah says.
‘Yes, we’re all going to shop for my birthday weekend!’ Elisa claps.
‘I don’t need to buy anything…’ I say.
‘Yeah, you do. At least a dress for the party and a few bikinis.’
‘Bikinis? But it’s winter.’ I don’t understand how she thinks we’ll be wearing something less than warm clothes.
‘But it has an interior jacuzzi and a warmed pool. So, bikinis, yes.’ She crosses her arms and tilts her head. My roommate wants to let me know it’s not up for debate.
I gesture at her to come closer and whisper, ‘But I don’t feel comfortable. I’m fat.’
‘You are not fat!’ she says, missing the point of why I whispered only to her. ‘You have skin, bones, and yes, fat, but that’s being human. We need it to survive. No matter how little some may have, they still do. Everyone does. But you also have a kind heart. You are compassionate and gentle, funny and a wonderful friend. That’s who you are. So if you ever want to objectify yourself, say you are beautiful, because you are. Inside and out.’
‘But I used to be a lot skinnier.’
‘Yeah, when you were unhealthy. Now you are healthy, so of course you have more meat on your bones. It’s normal. And yes, you can get even healthier by working out and toning your muscles to add something more to the mix, but trust me, you are and look a lot better than you did before.’
Maybe, but it’s hard to believe it when all your life your mother has made sure you never went up to a certain number on the scale.
I stare at her as she turns around. ‘Elijah, help me out. You’ve seen her before and you know well how she looks now. Isn’t she a lot better than before?’
‘I don’t remember very well how she was before, but I can say that now, Lilah, you are my kind of perfect.’ He smirks and swiftly lifts his eyebrows at me.
‘Of course, it’s not just about how you look, but also how you feel. How do you feel?’ Moon Hee, who has been nothing but a spectator, joins the conversation.
My eyes turn to him and I say, ‘Better, I feel better than I did. Free as well.’
Moon Hee gives me a soft reassuring smile, reminding me to breathe.
‘Then it’s settled. We’re shopping when you close,’ Elisa says.
‘Now, it’s two coffees and an apple cinnamon tea, please.’ Elijah orders.
‘Add a few slices of cake, too.’ Elisa smiles.
I get their order and as they eat I clean the shop, preparing to close and go on a shopping adventure when I haven’t stepped a foot in the centre for a few years.
When we enter the shopping centre, I stop to take in the space. Elisa and Elijah keep walking, but I see a silhouette in my peripheral vision.
‘Is everything okay?’ Moonie asks.
I nod. ‘I’m just remembering to breathe.’
He glances around. ‘Are there too many people for you?’
‘The last time I entered this facility, yes, there were too many. I couldn’t walk past this exact spot before crashing onto the floor. But not today. Today I can do it. I have you to give me strength. As long as I remember to breathe.’
‘I’m proud of you,’ he says, looking into my eyes.
Elijah interrupts our locked eyes. ‘Lilah! Moon Hee! Are you coming or what?’
‘We’re coming,’ the man beside me says.
We join them again, and Elijah slows down to walk by my side.
‘Can we talk later?’ he asks me.
My head turns to him. ‘Sure. ’
Halfway through the shopping centre we split between ladies and gentlemen.
‘Now let’s go choose a jaw-dropping dress for you, my dear friend,’ Elisa says.
‘Your dress is the one that should be jaw dropping. Not mine.’
‘We can both put those jaws on the floor.’ She winks entering a store.
***
I walk into my bedroom and lay back on the bed, shopping bags still in hand.
Not for another three years. I don’t need to go shopping for another three years.
We’re going on a weekend getaway, yet Elisa bought clothes for a few months and got me way more than I needed.
I exhale and get myself back up again, ready to tackle the organising task before my whole body gives up.
Walking around shopping and tidying up the clothes after is sure to count as a workout. I think I even broke a sweat.
Sounds of people talking travel across the house and into my room, but I’ve drained my energy for the day. Even when a brief sound comes from my phone, I unsuccessfully try to lift my hand from the pillow my head rests on.
In between reality and dreamland, the sound of a knock on my door is too faint for my brain to process it well, not long after giving itself into the dream world.
***
Another morning, another day getting up, dressing in something comfortable but presentable for work. Walking to the loo and doing my routine. Getting breakfast and grabbing my keys and purse. Another day, putting on my shoes and walking out the door for work.
Six days a week—five sometimes—the same thing.
Most weeks, this doesn’t bother me. I love what I do and I love waking up to do it. But others, the will to leave my bed is so weak it makes me forget the reason I love it so much.
It’s only a day, Lilah. It’s not every day, just one day.
It’s interesting how time on the clock seems to go by slower when you’re staring at it. Don’t be shy, time, you love to sprint when I’m enjoying the day .
I’ve been doing this for so long my body runs on automatic when my ability to think and pay attention to reality is lacking. I fill in orders, take money, give money, give plates and cups, take plates and cups.
‘Lilah?’ the customer says as I hand him his cups of coffee to go.
I smile the smile I’ve ingrained into my face from the moment I walk into the bakery until the moment I step out. Although that last step has failed sometimes as I get home and smile at myself in the mirror; it’s a hard switch to turn off.
‘Lilah?’ he repeats. My eyes focus on him, a face too familiar to ignore.
‘Oh my god, I’m sorry,’ I say. ‘My mind is elsewhere today.’
‘Yeah, I can tell. Is everything okay?’ Moon Hee is someone I can always count on to ask me how I’m doing.
‘Yes, and no.’ And the one who has the ability to pluck the truth out of me every time.
He looks behind him at the two people in line. ‘It’s almost lunchtime for you, right?’
I nod.
‘I’ll be outside waiting.’ He points to the table on the other side of the window near me and leaves.
When the smaller pointer on the clock stops at one and the bigger one hits twelve, I walk up to the entrance and hang the small rectangular wooden sign saying I’ll be right back, on the door.
Lately I’m attempting to break bad eating habits, so I’ve been making my lunches. I grab my lunch container and join my friend outside.
‘Hey,’ he says.
‘Hey.’
‘It’s nice today. Something I learned to do when I moved here was to enjoy every sunny day, because those don’t come that often. In Busan it doesn’t rain as much.’
‘That’s England. This week has been good. It doesn’t seem like a November day at all.’ I open my container and take out half of my sandwich inside. ‘Have you eaten?’
‘Yeah. Today I ate earlier. My schedule is light. Now I’m making time until my 2 p.m. appointment.’ His eyes stare deep into mind. ‘So…What’s been bothering you?’
‘How do you know something has been bothering me?’ I ask, taking a bite of my tofu and mushroom sandwich.
‘You’re making your ‘something is bothering me’ face.’
I huff out a chuckle, attempting to smile but my face refuses to move. ‘And what face might that be?’
Moon Hee makes a face, which I assume is supposed to resemble mine. ‘You know, downcast eyes, drooping eyelids, lowered lip corners…the constant sighing and dropped shoulders. And most important, the fake smile.’
‘It’s that obvious, huh?’
‘Just for me.’ He winks, making my lowered lip corners rise for a few seconds.
‘What’s bothering me…’ I sigh, ‘is the question whether to meddle with the past or not.’
‘The past is usually better left behind, but I know how hard some things can be to leave.’ His head turns to the street, eyes lifted to the big white cloud—shaped like a jumping rabbit—in the sky.
There’s so many more layers to him than he lets out. Even if I don’t know what they are, I can see they exist.
I control the urge to ask what’s hard for him to leave in the past and continue our talk. ‘Yeah, but this one has the power to make or break my present and future.’
‘It only has the power you allow it to have. The only way the past matters is if you give it importance in the present.’ His black moon eyes turn back to me.
I decide to tell him what’s going on. My bones feel he’s trustworthy. ‘Long story short, my therapist thinks my panic attacks and anxiety come from a traumatic event that happened five years ago, that I have no memory of. My brain locked it away to protect me, but my body remembers and it’s sending signals every time it feels under attack.’
‘Five years ago…’ He mutters without saying another word.
‘Yes, so now I have the choice to remember or not.’
His eyebrows furrow as he looks down.
‘If I remember, I can work out the trauma easier, because I’ll know the root of the problem. But remembering also means reliving it.’ The light breeze blows on his hair as I speak.
Moon Hee glances up at me. ‘I can see the dilemma. It’s definitely a hard choice to make and whatever you choose, I’m here to support you.’
‘Some say that ignorance is bliss, and that’s true sometimes. But this ignorance is driving me insane. I have a memory I can’t remember. Not just any memory, a crucial one. One that shaped me into who I am now.’
‘It seems like you’ve made your choice.’ The soft touch of Moonie’s hand on mine sends me the reassurance I’ve been looking for.