20. 스물 ‘sumul’
I’ve set up an appointment with Ms Julie’s friend for her next free date, right after Christmas. I don’t want to ruin Elisa’s weekend, so I’ve decided to leave any issue at home during these few days.
No moping around unsolved problems. No moping around anything. This is a happy weekend.
‘I’m so excited for today! And tomorrow! And the next day! Ah! This weekend is going to be the best!’ My roommate beams, smiling from ear to ear.
For the last week, I’ve focused on work to avoid getting cold feet on my choice. And my collaboration with Greener’s is on the move, ready for the holiday season.
‘I couldn’t tell.’ I chuckle.
‘Don’t forget to take the dress and those swimsuits. They are a bit too covered up for me, but you do look amazing in them.’ Elisa is busy sitting on her luggage as I attempt to close it for the fifth time.
‘They’re already packed. But Elisa, I think you’re going to have to leave something behind.’
‘Nonsense! Wait here.’
The woman storms out of the room, and the front door opens a second later. I sit on her bed waiting for whatever she went to do.
‘Lisa, the fuck! Where’s the fire?’ the man she dragged all the way to her room asks.
‘Here.’ She points at the luggage. ‘Sit on top. You’re heavier than me.’
His face turns to her in disbelief. ‘What?’
‘Sit!’
Elijah cautiously hops on the luggage, glancing at me in a cry for help, and I pat on his shoulder as a sign of understanding. My hand holds the zip once more and, at the sixth attempt, there’s actual progress.
‘Scoot,’ Elisa tells Elijah and sits next to him on top of the luggage.
I glance at the big blue plastic luggage filled with clothes and shoes, mixed with makeup and other essentials, top to bottom.
While I push the overflow inside and pull on the black zip, I can only think, ‘You’ve had better days, friend.’
‘Finally!’ I fall with my back to the bed. ‘Seven is a lucky number indeed.’
‘Seven? It took you seven tries to close this?’ Elijah’s eyes widen as he gets off the hard blue plastic. ‘I’m taking a backpack.’
‘That’s Elisa for you.’ I huff out a chuckle.
‘I’m sorry if I need at least two outfits for each day and more choices, in case I’m not in the mood for the previously planned ones.’ She struggles to carry the luggage down the bed and Elijah steps in to help her.
While my best friend rolls it into the hallway, Elijah sits next to me. ‘Hey.’
His smile sends a few electric charges down my body. With everything in my head, I haven’t been with him for a while.
‘Hey,’ I say, supporting myself with my elbows to lift my back a bit.
‘We ended up not talking. I knocked on your door that day, but I guess you were already asleep.’
Shit.
‘I’m so sorry! I totally forgot!’ The palm of my hand flies to my forehead. ‘I was so exhausted after shopping, it completely slipped my mind.’
‘It’s okay. But you know what?’ he asks.
‘What?’
He reaches down to my ear, his warm breath hardening my nipples. ‘I’ve missed you.’
I bite my lower lip at the sight of his smirk. I’ve missed him too.
I don’t think our relationship will ever evolve from more than friends with benefits, but I’m fine with it.
He fucks too good.
‘I hear the mattresses are unbelievable where we’re going.’
‘Oh, we’re going to have so much fun ruining them,’ he teases.
The heat burns my face as I watch him lower himself on me.
‘Hey!’ Elisa says, closing in on us. ‘Not in my room. Go to Lilah’s.’
Elijah’s face turns to her slowly, with his famous smirk. ‘Gladly.’
‘Elijah!’ I swap my hand at his arm, sitting straight on the bed.
‘What? You heard her. Let’s go.’ He grabs my hand and walks towards my room.
I’m not sure if the shock I’m feeling inside is truly displayed outside, because he pushes me against my door and lowers his head, his lips getting close to mine.
‘I’m joking.’ His breath hits the sensitive skin of my mouth.
I gasp, reminding my body how to breathe again.
‘You should see your face. I can hear your heartbeat all the way from here,’ the man with dark brown eyes staring at me plays.
My hand pushes on his left shoulder. ‘What am I going to do with you?’
‘Oh, a few ideas cross my mind.’
‘Elijah Park!’
‘I like it when you say my name,’ he says, his tongue wetting his lips afterwards.
His mouth closes in on mine, this time leaving no space behind, allowing my lips to taste the softness of his. Elijah’s hand travels down my back, grabbing my ass, while his other holds my neck.
I break our kiss and watch his eyes slowly opening. ‘We need to leave soon.’
‘I know.’ He nods. ‘I just missed your lips.’
‘I think a few more minutes wouldn’t hurt anyone,’ I say, locking my mouth with his once more.
‘Lovebirds, it’s time to go.’ Elisa knocks on the door, making Elijah grunt.
‘We’ll continue this later.’ He smirks, grabbing the doorknob to leave.
I slide to the side so he can open it and then grab my luggage. Moon Hee is standing in the middle of the living room, watching my door.
I smile at his sight, and he walks near me. ‘Are you better?’
‘I am. Thank you.’
‘I’m glad.’ His words fade as his presence next to me moves further away.
I wonder if he’s okay. Ever since that first day when he caught me in his flat after my night with Elijah, I’ve had this gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach that something is off whenever he watches us together. I can’t explain it. It’s something I catch when I look into his eyes.
Maybe my mind is playing tricks on me. Maybe I’m the one who’s being delusional, but I can’t shake the discomfort I feel every time I’m with Elijah and Moon Hee is around.
‘Earth to Lilah,’ Elisa says, staring back at me from the other side of the exit door, no one else inside the flat.
‘Sorry, yes, I’m going!’
***
‘Elisa, this is such a cute house!’ I say as we stand in front of the most adorable cottage with a view of the Guildford Castle.
‘Only the best for the best.’ My roommate smiles. ‘There’s three rooms: mine and Sofía’s, who’s joining us later today, Lilah’s, and the boys. Two are upstairs and one down. Now we just need to choose.’
‘I’m okay with either, but maybe it’s better for you and Sofía to stay downstairs. This way you have more privacy,’ I suggest, peeking inside the house through the window.
‘Who says they’re the only ones who’ll need privacy?’ Elijah asks.
‘You heard her, she said: a room for me and one for you and Moon Hee. There’s no Lilah and Elijah room, so you’re stuck with your roommate.’
‘Oh, that’s how we’re playing?’ He smirks, wrapping his arm around me.
‘Let’s get in and we’ll decide inside. It’s cold out here,’ Elisa says.
From the outside, the house appears fairly small, but when you open the door, you see how vast it actually is. The stone walls give it a rustic side, while the brand new electronics show its modernity.
As we walk into an open space, organised to be the living room with a four seat sofa and two armchairs, one on each side. In the back you see the kitchen and a door to the extensive garden, where the pool’s facility is. I’ve always wanted to have a warm pool.
On my left, there’re the stairs to the second floor and a half-opened door leading to the small pink loo. We leave our luggage by the bottom of the stairs as we decide on the room assortment.
‘How are we going to settle this, then?’ Elisa asks.
‘ Gawibawibo ?’ Moon Hee suggests.
I chuckle. ‘You want to play rock, paper, scissors?’
‘That’s indeed how we settle a lot of discussions,’ Elijah says.
‘Gaibabo…what?’ My roommate looks at us, frowning.
‘Gawi…bawi…bo, that’s what Koreans call rock, paper, scissors,’ I say.
‘Sure, let’s do it then.’ Elisa chuckles.
‘Wait, so who wins chooses the room first? Is that it?’ I ask, and Moonie nods.
‘Ready?’ Moon Hee asks. ‘ Gawibawibo .’
‘We have all of them, so again,’ Elijah says.
‘It’s a tie,’ my flatmate says, looking at mine and her scissors and the guy’s rocks.
‘No, it’s not. They’re going to be in the same room and both chose rock, so they win.’
‘Yes!’ Elijah and Moon Hee high-five.
They look into the room downstairs first and then walk upstairs to check on the others. After a few minutes they come near us again.
‘We’re taking the left one upstairs. Has the biggest bed.’ The man with tattoo sleeves picks up his backpack and hands his roommate his.
‘It’s up to us now,’ Elisa says.
‘Let’s do like I suggested, you and Sofía stay with the one down here.’
My best friend accepts, and I pick up my luggage to walk upstairs.
At the top of the stairs I scream down, ‘Be glad you stayed in that room, Elisa. I don’t think you’d be able to bring that luggage up the stairs,’ and she laughs.
I catch the guys’ voices speaking, but can’t figure out what they’re saying. I walk to my bedroom’s door and the moment I open it, their voices stop and the door on the left opens abruptly.
‘Lilah, can we talk today?’ Elijah asks.
‘Sure, let me just organise the room and then we can do it.’
He gives me a small smile and enters the room once more. I wonder what he wants to talk about. He’s been waiting a while for it now.
My room is mid-sized with a bed in the middle, facing the big window on the wall and turned to the left side when you enter the door. There’s a big wooden wardrobe on the wall staring at me and a vanity table next to me.
The decor is simple: light grey stone walls, baby blue bedding and navy curtains that match the wardrobe.
I grab my phone and go to my chat with Moon Hee to play the last song he sent me.
The day we went shopping, when I was face down on my pillow exhausted, the message I heard and couldn’t reach for was his. I only saw it the next night, after our talk in my bakery, and as if he knew I would need it, I played it on repeat with the one he’d sent me before until I went to sleep.
OK Not To Be OK by Demi Lovato and Marshmello sounds as I open my travel-sized luggage, unpack my essentials onto the vanity, and hang the dress on the wardrobe.
The upbeat track with heartfelt lyrics is enough to make my worries shrink and uplift my mood.
A knock sounds on my door. ‘Come in!’
I turn to look at the entrance of the bedroom, where I see Moon He peeking with his head in the small opening he made between the door and its frame.
‘I see you are enjoying the songs I sent you,’ Moon Hee says.
‘You seem to know which ones to send.’ I place the last pair of shoes on the bottom of the wardrobe and sit on the bed, tapping for him to sit beside me.
‘I just wanted to check in, nothing more.’ His eyes are glued to the floor.
‘Just because I’m listening to the songs doesn’t mean I’m down, but they help me stay positive.’
His head lifts, and he stares at me. For a few seconds his gaze seems to stop at my mouth, so I swiftly shake off my lips with my fingers, afraid there’s something there, making him look away to the wall.
‘My mum sends me songs whenever she finds one she thinks I’ll like or whenever she doesn’t see me smile around the house,’ he says.
‘She seems like a good mum. May I ask what happened to your father? You said it’s just you and your mum here in London. Is he back in Korea?’
‘He’s everywhere and nowhere now.’ He sighs, looking out the window.
My eyes widen at his words. ‘I’m so sorry. I had no idea.’
‘How could you?’ His head turns back to face me and he smiles. ‘It’s been almost a decade since he died. Yes, it was hard at first—still is sometimes—but we’ve learned to live without him.’
My hand reaches for his. ‘I rarely talk with my parents, and never had a relationship with them, so I don’t know how I would feel if something happened to them. They’re still my parents, but if you felt about your father the way you do for your mum…I can’t imagine the pain.’
‘Thank you,’ he says, giving my hand a squeeze. ‘Now onto happier subjects, what are we going to eat? I’m starving.’
‘That’s a question for the hostess, not me.’
‘I’ll go ask her then. Are you coming down too?’ he asks, standing up and releasing my hand.
‘Soon.’
The moment he closes the door, my back hits the mattress.
There are moments when I lock eyes with Moon Hee that I can’t help but wonder about the depth of my affection for him. He’s not just any friend; he’s a truly remarkable one, someone I hold dear to my heart. But at times my breath comes out short when I see him, and a need to hold him close and hug him engulfs me, like I’ve been doing it all my life even though I never have.
He’s a friend. Nothing else, just a friend.
Now I step away from my strange thoughts. It’s not like he even has another type of feelings for you, Delilah.
Elijah. He wanted to talk to me.
I get up and knock on their door. Nothing sounds on the other side, so I knock again.
‘Elijah, are you there?’
No answer. He’s probably downstairs with the rest of them.
I walk downstairs where they already hold drinks in hand.
‘No dinner first?’ I ask.
‘I ordered pizza for everyone. It’s on its way,’ my flatmate says.
‘Is Sofía on her way too?’
‘She’ll be arriving in about two hours.’
Elijah is sitting on the sofa, looking at the liquid inside his glass. I sit next to him and peek at the drink. ‘Is it not good?’
‘Uh?’ His face turns in my direction.
‘Is the drink not good? You’re staring at it so intensely.’
‘Oh, I was thinking…’ he says, looking back down.
‘Didn’t you want to talk to me?’
‘Yeah, I just needed some liquid courage.’ He chuckles, raising his glass at me. ‘But, you know what…I think we should first continue what we started earlier today, then we can talk.’
His tongue wets his bottom lip so I take his drink from his hand and pour it down my throat. His eyebrows frown, so I say, ‘Liquid courage, right?’
The left corner of his mouth rises and one of his hands moves to the back of my head, leading me closer to him. His lips touch mine and we get sucked into each other. In between kisses, I briefly open my eyes and see Moon Hee talking with Elisa in the back of the room. His head turns to us and our eyes lock for a split second before I close mine again.
Shit. No.
Be present, Lilah.
‘Let’s go upstairs,’ I whisper in Elijah’s ear and he nods, grabbing my hand and taking me to my room.
When the door behind me closes, I push him onto the bed.
‘Lilah!’ His eyes widen with a smile plastered across his face.
I climb on top of him and take his shirt off before our lips connect again. My hands trace his tattoos all over his arms and torso.
His hands lift my shirt and unclasp my bra. His right hand grabs my breast and he retracts his mouth from mine to suck my nipple.
‘Wait,’ I say, getting up from his lap.
I walk to the light switch to dim the lights and then take my phone out of my jeans back pocket to play my sexy-time playlist.
‘It’s just so they don’t hear us.’
He gets up and walks up to me, his hands tracing my bare skin before removing the rest of my shirt off and unbuttoning my bottoms.
‘You’re so fucking hot,’ he says with a low and husky voice.
My arms wrap around his neck and he turns our roles around, now pushing me onto the bed. I gasp from the surprise, and a devilish gaze takes over his eyes.
He takes off his pants and boxers and the rest of my clothes, hovering on top of me with one hand playing between my legs.
Today I’m not much in the mood for foreplay. I want to feel him inside of me.
I want him to help me forget all my doubts.
I slide my fingers through my wet tongue and wrap them around his cock, preparing it to enter me.
My eyes shut as he opens me up, sliding himself all the way inside me.
‘You’re not playing today, I see,’ he says.
I smile, and as I open my eyes to respond to him, my vision tricks me, for the face I see is not his.
Fuck!
I shut my eyes closed, hoping when I open them again I see the man I’m actually with. I sigh, seeing Elijah’s gaze on me.
‘Yes, I missed you too much,’ I say.
Why am I thinking so much about Moon Hee today?
My nails dig into Elijah’s back as he rocks faster against me. My moans are buffered by the loud music.
After a few minutes, being immersed in the intense ecstasy the tattooed man is providing me, our naked bodies sweaty and sticking to each other, my mind calms down as I cannot think about anything else but the euphoria I’m reaching.
Calming our breathing, we lay side by side on the bed, mine gradually slowing until his words make my heartbeat rise again.
‘I like you, Lilah,’ Elijah says, watching the ceiling.
I sense all control leave my body as my jaw drops and I’m glad he’s not looking at me.
Breathe, Lilah, breathe.
‘What? Are you sure it’s not just an attraction? I mean, we don’t have that much in common…’
‘It’s more than that, and I can’t remember the last time I felt this. It’s true we might not have much in common, but oh, how I love to hear you talk about the things you care for.’ He grabs my hand while staring into my soul. ‘In that moment, there’s no difference in what each of us like. Your interests become mine and I could hear you discuss them eternally.’
‘Elijah…’
The man sits up on the bed and as he tries to hide it, I capture the sadness his eyes hold before they hit the sheets. ‘It’s okay, Lilah, really. I know you don’t like me that way. I’ve seen how you look at someone you care about, and it’s not the same as when our eyes meet.’
‘I do care about you—’
‘Not like that, not like you care for him. He’s the one you confide in. I know our chemistry is through the roof and trust me, I don’t want it to end. I’ve come to terms with only having you that way, but I wanted to tell you how I really feel and how much you mean to me.’
I’m speechless. I had a crush on him. Me . And now he likes me?
‘Wait. Who’s he? Who’s the person you’re talking about?’
‘I thought it would be obvious.’ He chuckles. ‘Moon Hee.’
‘Moon Hee?’ My eyes widen and I sit up straight on the bed. ‘No! We’re just friends!’
‘I still remember the first time we met,’ he says, ignoring everything I just told him. ‘You were nothing like you are now. You were extremely shy, you couldn’t even finish a word to me. I found it adorable. You can even ask Elisa and she’ll tell you how I would ask about you every time I went to your house, sad you never wanted to hang out with us. Look at you now.’
His gaze is back on mine, smiling even. Elijah has become so good at hiding his emotions; his face can make you believe he’s feeling the opposite of his true feelings if you don’t know him well.
But I do. My arms reach around him, holding him tight, letting him know I’m here for him. Even if it’s not in the same way he wishes, even if it’s nothing more than friends, I’ll always be here to support him, to comfort him.
He releases our hug and joins his lips to mine. I close my eyes, allowing myself to be involved in the moment, a moment that doesn’t last long after I taste something salty between our lips.
My eyes open and I watch Elijah’s eyes closed as a single tear runs down his face. This is my first time seeing this man cry, and that thought alone is enough to fill my waterline.