22. 스물둘 ‘sumuldul’
‘What tattoo are you planning to get?’ Moon Hee asks, lifting his head from the white soft water pillow he placed on the hard edge.
Yesterday, after partying until dawn, we slept way past lunchtime and then went on a walk to visit the surrounding areas. Today we’re relaxing before going back to the busy life of London.
‘I’m thinking of getting a fine line flower in watercolour style on the back of my arm.’ I keep my eyes on his face as much as they want to travel down.
He scoots closer to me, waving the water in my direction. I look back to see if someone else is watching us.
‘No one is here. They went to get food,’ my friend—who’s almost touching my body with his in the hot tub—says.
‘I-I wasn’t…’
‘Why do you worry if someone sees us close? Aren’t we friends?’ He interrupts me as his arm touches mine and I flinch, making him frown.
‘We are, I’m just…I don’t want Elijah to get the idea that something is going on between us and get hurt.’ I watch the water I sit under.
‘Are you two together now?’
‘No. We’re just friends, and I don’t aspire to be anything else.’
He turns to the side, facing his body to me, and I can feel his warm breath on my skin, sending goosebumps all over my body. ‘So, is it just because you don’t want to hurt him, or is there anything else?’
I hold my breath, unable to speak. He closes in on me, whispering in my ear, ‘Breathe.’
Breathe ? How do you expect me to breathe when you’re this close to me?
He goes back to his first position, and I let out an unexpected breath, making him chuckle.
‘Yes. That’s the only reason,’ I say, getting up to leave the warm and bubbly water.
‘Lilah, wait.’
I stop, one foot out of the tub and one foot in, and glance over at him.
‘Don’t leave. We’re friends, right?’ Moon Hee’s face stays stiller than the water, yet his eyes do nothing but plead.
‘Yeah, we’re just friends.’
Stepping back into the water, I am greeted by the comforting sensation of the underwater jets, their pulsating streams massaging our bodies. With each brush of our skin, an overwhelming heat radiates through me. We stay there, lost in the moment, until the rest of the gang rejoins us and we begin our preparations to leave.
***
‘Hey Lilah,’ Jeremiah says, greeting me as he enters the bakery.
‘Hi Jer!’ I glance up from the counter and smile at him.
‘I came to tell you we have everything finalised for Thursday and will be announcing the collaboration today, both on socials and in the restaurant.’
‘Sounds fabulous. Tomorrow I’ll be starting on the samples for you to give your customers. Last time, a lot of them came here to take a dessert home after eating at your restaurant, and some have even become regulars.’ I wipe my hands on my apron and walk around the counter to the front of the shop.
‘Do you want anything before I close up?’ I ask him.
‘No, I’m good, thank you. I need to go to the post office, anyway.’
‘I’m going there too!’ I want to check if I have a new letter. With the weekend getaway and the collaboration, I haven’t checked my postbox in a while.
‘I’ll wait for you to lock up, then.’ He lays his hunter-green cardigan on the table closest to the door and sits.
As we walk along our street, most people have gone home and all the shops are closed, except for the restaurants serving dinner. The sky has grown dark, no star in sight. Our path is illuminated by big street lamps on the side of the road.
I watch my shadow on the ground as we pass under a lamp and say, ‘We should do something together sometime. You, me, and Rebecca. I feel like we only see each other during work hours. ’
‘ You want to do something with us?’ His eyebrows raise as he stares at me, the shock noticeable in his tone.
‘Yes, why?’
‘Because we have invited you multiple times to have dinner, or go for a film or a carnival, but you always came up with an excuse. We just assumed you had a secret life after work where there was no time for daylight friends.’ He grins, turning his attention back to the road.
I’m glad he didn’t say he thought I didn’t care about them. I hope they know I do.
‘I’m sorry.’ My tone is as low as my eyes on the floor. ‘I’m working on it, I promise.’
‘I know, we’ve seen you hang out with other people. That was a first all these years. Elisa we already knew, since she’s been rounding you from the beginning, but not the other guys.’
‘Yes. I’m pushing myself daily to do things I normally wouldn’t,’ I say.
‘Is one of them…your boyfriend?’ he asks. I glance up at him and meet the side of his face, his eyes not glitching from the path ahead.
‘No, they’re just friends.’
‘Okay…because if they were, I would be happy to see you happy.’ The light above the post office creates a sparkle in his green eyes, the ones that release from the building in front of us to glance at me. ‘We’re here.’
‘Yes, we are.’ I smile, and before walking in to find out if I have new mail, I watch him taking out an envelope from his back pocket.
‘Those envelopes…they seem familiar,’ I say, furrowing my eyebrows in an attempt to recall where I’ve seen the gritty light grey paper.
‘Maybe you’ve seen them at the stationery shop in our street.’
‘Oh, Violet’s Paperdise ? The one two shops away from InkPark ?’
‘Yes, exactly. I believe they’re branded only to them. I’ve never seen any other shop with ones like these.’
‘Maybe I’ve seen them in their window or something…’ They seem too familiar to me, but I can’t pinpoint why. ‘Oh, and Jeremiah, thank you for before.’
He nods and smiles before delivering his letter to the mailbox.
I walk to my postbox and reach my hand into its darkness. The feeling of paper brings a smile to my face.
I have a letter!
I rush home to read it, noticing that Elisa might not be here since all the lights are out. Inside my room, I grab my letter opener. This one I bought at Violet’s Paperdise —that I remember. It was too cute not to get when I saw it at her window. It’s baby pink with a cupcake on top, so in tune with Sweet Delilah’s brand.
When I grab the letter to open it, I stop at the sight of the envelope. Gritty and light grey. The same one Jeremiah was using.
I’m sure a lot more people use that paper, but I can’t stop wondering if he could be Daldust.
I open the letter and read it.
“Dear Delilah,
I’m so glad you are finding happiness within yourself.
And you are becoming like a diary, yes. I’ve spoken more about myself with you than anyone else. Thank you for that.
I believe we have someone out there for us, someone who truly gets us. It doesn’t need to be romantic, it can be a friendship, but I think we are not alone in the world; that there is someone with the same vibration as us.
I met my one a long time ago, but I lost her.
I promised myself that I would never let that happen again. If I found someone as special or more than her, I would hold tight to them, make them feel loved, and never ever miss my chance to share my happiness with that person.
How was your trip? Did you have fun?
Yours truly,
Daldust”
No, it can’t be Jeremiah…but what he just said…he met someone a long time ago. He met me four years ago, and he lost me. I mean, he never had me in the first place, but now he knows for sure he doesn’t have the chance.
No. It can’t be him.
I read the letter over and over again, but I can’t picture him saying these words.
Let’s not jump to conclusions, Delilah .
Think.
Why would Jeremiah have a house in South Korea? And I don’t think he’s travelled a lot or reads a lot.
No. I’m eighty percent sure it isn’t him.
I grab my pen and write back.
“I’m glad you feel like that about me. I feel the same. I confide in you as much as my therapist.
I hope to find someone on the same vibrational level as mine one day.
But I’m curious. How did you lose her?
About my trip, yes, it was refreshing to get out to the countryside and enjoy the view. I had fun with some friends that are becoming a big part of my life. Maybe one day we can all hang out.
Delilah”
Hopefully, with his response, I’ll know for sure.
I pick my phone up to check the time, but the little green message icon pulls me in and before I can collect my thoughts, I’ve sent a text to Moon Hee.
*Hi*
That’s all I said…Hi. Stupid .
I’m staring at the screen when the word Delivered changes to Seen .
‘Ah!’ I throw the phone to my bed, unable to see his answer.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid, Delilah. Why would you text him?
My hand presses on my chest as I inhale deeply, trying to calm my heart.
Breathe . Friends text. It’s okay. Everything is fine.
I rise from my desk’s chair and approach my phone with a careful stride, treating it as if it were a fragile shard of glass.
*Hey* Moon Hee wrote back.
Fuck, now if I say nothing else, it will get weird.
But what? What will I say?
I can’t say ‘Nothing, I just felt like saying hi.’ The palm of my hand hits my forehead a few times, trying to find an answer.
The moment he sends another text, I laugh, releasing some of the stress this was giving me.
*I would have taken a day off if I knew you’d be texting this much xD*
*Sorry, I just…don’t know what to say…*
*Are you home?* he asks.
*Yes, why?*
The text gets seen, but he doesn’t answer back. A minute later, I hear the house’s bell ring.
I open the door and Moon Hee, wearing an all black outfit and slippers, stands in front of me.
‘Have you had dinner, yet?’ he asks.
I shake my head no and he gestures to me to wait, walking back to his flat which the door he left open. Moments later, he returns with two bowls. Moon Hee hands me one and goes back to close his door.
I look inside the bowl and my mouth waters.
‘You made bibimbap ?’
‘I was making it for me and Elijah, but he isn’t home yet and there’s more than enough left for him to eat later.’
‘I love bibimbap, ’ I say, and he chuckles.
‘I’m glad.’
‘Come in.’ I lead him to the kitchen and place the food on the table. ‘Elisa isn’t home either. I think she’s with Sofía.’
‘So…’ he starts, and I already know I don’t want to hear the rest. ‘Why did you text me?’
‘I think we should start eating before it gets cold.’
‘Lilah.’ His tone is serious. This man is not letting it slide.
‘I don’t know. I did it blindly…’
‘Was I on your mind?’ Moon Hee tilts his head. A slight lift of the corner of his mouth threatens to unravel his composure, one he controls before it gets a hold on him.
I turn around to avoid him seeing my burning cheeks and grab spoons for us to eat. As I spin back, watching my reflection on the metal, I bump into the man that once was near the entrance.
His breath warms my ear, despite the shivers it sends down my body, as he whispers, ‘Please, text me anytime I cross your mind.’
‘You’d be constantly checking your messages if I did that.’ The moment these words come out, my eyes widen and I press my palm against my mouth.
What. Did. I. Just. Say ?
This time, both corners of his lips lift, and he lets them. I’m sure he can tell how embarrassed I am because he takes the spoons from my hand and walks backwards, his eyes never leaving mine until the moment he hits the table.
‘You’re right, let’s eat before it gets cold.’
Now, Moonie? Now you want to eat?
Fuck me.
I sit down and enjoy the delicious rice mixed with vegetables, tofu, and a sauce I’ve never tasted before.
‘What’s the sauce made of? I usually eat it with soy sauce.’
‘I’ve noticed restaurants here serve it with soy sauce, maybe because it’s easier, but my family has a special bibimbap sauce.’
‘You must share the recipe with me,’ I say, mouth full of deliciousness.
‘My mum made me promise to only share with family.’ His big doe and dark eyes prevent me from focusing only on the food.
As much as I try to ignore it, I fall short of breath every time he looks at me. I’ve had crushes before. Hell, I couldn’t speak with Elijah when I met him, but this is feeling bigger than a crush.
***
It seemed like yesterday the week was starting, but it’s ending already.
I pass by the postbox to see if I have a letter before meeting Ms Julie. Last week I missed our session because of the trip, so we have some catching up to do.
I’ve been skipping so much lately…I hope she doesn’t think I’m bailing on her.
A little grey envelope greets me and I smile, placing it inside my purse before continuing my journey.
‘How was the week before your trip?’ Ms Julie asks as I sit in her office.
‘Uneventful. I had a lot of work to do, so it kept my mind off everything that could bother me.’
‘And the trip?’
‘It went well. It was fun to get away for a while and just enjoy the present. I do see why you said it would become easier as time went by to get out of my comfort zone. The more I do it and get good results, the more I’m eager to do it again. ’
‘That’s wonderful, Lilah. And how are things going with your friend Elijah?’
‘We decided to stay as friends with benefits for now. I don’t see more coming from there. We don’t connect that much outside the bedroom, but he did say he liked me this weekend, so everything is a bit strange now.’
‘Why do you feel that?’ Her expression is welcoming to my thoughts.
‘I’m not sure. It’s just that we have fun in the group, but alone we don’t seem to have much in common to talk about.’
‘Having things in common does speed up the connection process, but there are other ways to connect besides that. If it’s on an emotional level, you don’t need to like the same things, but you need to feel the same way about the things you like. And as time passes, you actually create things to do in common, and each other’s taste begins transmitting to the other person.’
‘Maybe I just can’t seem to open up to him,’ I say, looking down at my hands.
‘Then could the problem be not that you don’t have things in common, but that you’re afraid to connect?’
‘But with Daldust, I can just be myself. I don’t filter or sugar coat. I say whatever it’s on my mind without the fear of being judged. I’m just me. With everyone else, I always feel like I have one foot in and another foot out, even with Moon Hee. He’s the one I feel closest to now, but I can’t make up my mind to give in to him. It’s so much easier on paper.’
‘On paper, you read emotions as you please. You can let out your deepest thoughts without having someone stare at you and react to your words. Perhaps it’s the reactions you’re most afraid of.’
Her words stick with me for the ride home. Perhaps it’s the reactions you’re most afraid of.
It always circles back to the lack of control. I’m amazed at how that twists my arm every time. I can’t control their reactions, so they scare me. Every uncontrolled action frightens me.
With a sigh, I lie on my bed and open the letter to read, hoping Daldust’s words soothe my mind.
“Dear Delilah,
I only realised my feelings for her when it was too late.
She doesn’t remember me anymore. I only saw her a few times, and we barely spoke in those. She was kind, a bit shy, but so passionate about the world around her.
I got to have a conversation with her one night…Before I never saw her again.
We were at a party, and I went to the roof to get some air. She was there, alone, and drunk. I went to her and the way she turned to me is something I have never forgotten, how the moonlight reflected through her eyes, and the way she smiled like I had never seen.
She was so happy that night, and we sat down for what felt like hours and seconds at the same time—too eternal of a memory for such a fleeting moment—while the party went on and talked. We talked about everything, but mostly about the universe, about people, humanity, and dreams, all that one talks about when one is drunk late at night.
We sat there until her boyfriend came searching for her. She loved him so much. I could tell by the way she looked at him because it was how I looked at her. He was an arsehole, and I heard through a friend that they broke up not long after. He did her wrong, but I was worse. I could have prevented that from happening if I told her how I felt that night on the roof. That was the biggest regret of my life.
I would love to hang out with you all, but first, we need to meet each other haha
Yours truly,
Daldust”
He’s one hundred percent not Jeremiah.