Chapter 28 Nora
NORA
No one ever talks about how boring self-discovery can be.
In the midst of sadness and self-pity, I found myself doing yoga, taking walks along the lake, and catching up on work…but it was all boring as hell.
There were a few things I had investigated, such as my complete and utter obsession with mint ice cream, but only the green kind.
I realized I needed therapy, which was a powerful epiphany and one that led to a series of online sessions with a licensed therapist named Geraldine.
She listened as I explained and then she suggested I write letters to all the people in my life that made me feel like I had to stand on my own two feet in order to feel valid or worthy in any way.
I wrote Jason a letter, where I called him a coward, and went into great detail how bad in bed he was, now that I had Colson to compare him to. That unfortunately led to a downward spiral where I questioned whether I’d ever find sex as good as it was with Colson again.
That call went to my best friend Rae, not my therapist.
Rae listened to me wail on the phone while I paced the length of my cabin for an hour. I owed her an entire pie for that conversation because she had to hear me talk about Colson’s monster dick and how much I missed it.
But afterward I woke up feeling a thousand times better.
The next letter would go to my dad, but instead of burning it like I did with Jason’s, I mailed it.
To their new Arizona address.
It wasn’t the nicest note, and I definitely didn’t hold back.
I explained how badly he’d hurt me by taking too many liberties with my life and how that would no longer be happening because I would not be including him in mine until he agreed not to ever interfere with any aspect of my future.
I didn’t bring up either of the men that he’d played like a violin because men would come and go in my life, but I wanted my father to understand how I needed to be treated going forward.
The third letter was currently tucked inside my pocket, because it was going to Colson.
On my way down the mountain, I stopped at Rae’s to check in on her.
Pulling her front door open, she looked like she hadn’t slept in days. Her hair was a rat’s nest, and she was in the same pajamas I left her in days ago. Surely, she washed them in between days, but still.
“What happened to you?” I shut the door, following her inside.
Rae waved her arm up in the air, grabbing for a carton of orange chicken. “Oh my gosh, I have so much to catch you up on.”
“Um, I hope the first item on your list is how you got your hands on Chinese takeout all the way up here.”
“Davis brought it home from town.” She dug into the carton with her chopsticks.
Her kitchen table shed light on her situation.
“Whoa.”
“Nora, everything is falling behind, I’m stressing out.”
Every inch of her table was covered in papers and plans.
“What happened?”
Setting her carton to the side, she pushed her glasses up her nose. “So, there have been a few developments.”
“Okayyy.” I sat down, pulling on a few pieces of paper to try to make sense of what was going on.
“Colson quit…so your dad’s company sort of dissolved or something, but there’s no one working on the community center, and all the other bids are months out, so Davis and I have been trying to come up with some idea on how we can get it done and stay on track.
Meanwhile, Davis is trying to open his new storefront and there’s a lot going into that.
I’m just…” She slumped into her chair, trailing off.
“Rae, why didn’t you tell me all this was going on?”
Her eyes were a dead giveaway, and I knew it was my shitstorm of a life…but still.
“I’m your best friend, you should have told me. Not let me go on and on about losing my sex life.”
She laughed into her hands, and before long she had to wipe tears from her eyes.
“Why are we trying so hard, Nora? This is all bullshit. I was a simple nobody a year ago, up in New York and you were a cool college graduate, living at home. How did we get here?”
I laughed with her, bringing a piece of paper up to cover my face.
“We’re not mature enough for this.”
Davis walked in on us while we pretty much unraveled into fits of laughter and tears.
He shook his head, cracking a small smile while he grabbed the carton of food from Rae.
“Okay, okay…” I blew out a breath. “Want me to reach out to my dad and ask what’s going on, or talk to anyone?”
“Your dad is on his cruise, officially,” Rae answered, gathering a few papers into a pile.
I narrowed my eyes. “How do you know?”
“Because at present I’m your voice mail service and your parents wanted to be sure you were alive. I relayed that you were, and they told me they’re on their cruise until the middle of January.”
Of course they were. Dad got to do a shit-ton of damage and then go on a cruise.
Oh well, he’d get that letter the second he got back.
I knew Rae wasn’t going to ask me to talk to Colson, but he was the next logical choice for how to get someone started on the community center project.
“Okay, I’m going to head back home and see what I can do to help from there. I’ll call you later.” I stood, heading over to give her a hug.
“Nora, you don’t have to do what I know you’re thinking of doing.”
Taking her face in my palms, I squeezed her cheeks until she laughed.
“Yes, I do, and it will be okay.”
Because it was time I started doing things for myself, not worrying about what anyone else thought.
The snow had melted, and even with the tiny snow flurries now and then, thankfully it wasn’t sticking. Which meant the roads were clear, and the sky was a gorgeous blue. Haley and I had been in touch throughout my absence, and while I was gone for nine days, we only talked once or twice.
Never once did she bring up Colson.
Pulling up to my house, I saw that her SUV was missing, so I’d have the house to myself for a while. It would give me some time to figure out how to talk to Colson.
Once I parked and opened my door, I heard the sound of a latch clicking and looked up.
I immediately wished I hadn’t.
Colson’s eyes were red and tired. His face was ghostly white, his hair skewed and messy, and it was clear he hadn’t shaved a single day since I left. In plain jeans, and a dark Henley that gaped open at his throat, he stood on his stoop, watching as I pulled my suitcases out.
His jaw worked as he pushed his hands into his pockets.
“Do you”—he cleared his throat nervously—“do you need any help with those?”
As angry as I was, seeing him as worn and beat down as I felt emotionally softened my stubborn streak.
“Yes, actually.”
He moved, striding down his steps, and the closer he got, the more aware of his scent I became. My nose wanted to dive into the crook of his neck, and I desperately wanted to feel his arms around me.
I had never felt this way before with anyone. My heart was physically trying to exit my chest just so he’d hold it again.
He opened the door to my back seat and stood there staring.
I knew what he was seeing, and my throat worked around a sob as I envisioned us back there in that car lot, making love as he fought against his feelings.
As I fought against letting mine through.
Feeling a surge of emotion hit my chest, I stood there with the doors open and blurted, “You said you wanted strings…” My brows dipped as I tried to work out his intentions and if they were all false. “Why say that if it was an act?”
He shifted his feet, his dark boots crunching the small rocks that had been left in my driveway, and his blue eyes caught mine, revealing a storm of emotions.
Brewing, manifesting, and tearing through pieces of him.
“It was never an act—not a single moment with you was an act. Your father did ask that I look out for you, help you…but none of it was an act, Nora, and trust me, he never encouraged me to get romantic with you. That went against everything he wanted. So, when I kissed you, that was me.” He had gotten closer; his breathing was coming out harshly as he hit his chest.
“When I took you home, put you in my bath, and took care of you, that was me.” He hit his chest again, advancing closer.
His lips were a breath away from mine as he whispered, “And when I fucked you, Nora…when I held you in my arms and finally let you fill the space you’d claimed a year before”—he pressed closer, whispering at my ear—“that was me. All of it was real. It was just overdue.”
I was going to fall into him and let him kiss me. I could feel it. But all that would do is patch the gaping hole between us, and we’d keep falling through it over and over again until it was repaired.
So, pulling myself together, I grabbed the letter from inside my pocket and when my hands landed on his chest to push him back, the letter poked him.
“I wrote this for you. If you could read it, that would mean something to me.”
His hand moved over mine, holding it to his chest. I refused to look into his eyes.
“I’ll read it.” He stepped back, and then he grabbed my suitcase. “And I’ll hold on to this for you when you’re ready to come and talk.”
“But, I—” I tried to speak up, but he was already moving, taking my suitcase with him up his porch and into his house.
A spark of something flitted inside my sternum.
He hadn’t pushed me away. He hadn’t given up or left. Part of me assumed he’d leave if he couldn’t have his dream, but he was still here and, based on the way he just devoured me with those eyes, he wanted me more than ever.