Chapter 9
RONAN
“I don’t really believe in Santa anymore.”
Haley says it in a low, conspiratorial voice, so I have to lean down to hear her. “All my friends say he’s not real,” she adds. “But…” Her gaze slides over towards the gazebo in the center of the park, where Santa is holding court. “I think I’d like to say hi to him. Just to be polite.”
There’s a wistful look in Haley’s eyes that tugs at my heart. I remember those days—when deep down, I knew Santa couldn’t be real, but I desperately wanted to believe it.
I was seven when my older brother, Sean, gleefully informed me that Santa was all a myth. When I went to my father to ask if Sean was telling the truth, my father sat me down and asked me very seriously, “What do you think, Rone? Don’t worry about what Sean says. What do you believe in your heart?”
Seven-year-old me wanted to believe in Santa. I wanted to believe in the jingling bells I heard outside each Christmas Eve and the sooty footprints headed away from the fireplace. So I understand just how Haley feels.
“Saying hi to Santa would be polite,” I agree. “I’m sure he’d be happy to see you.”
“Absolutely,” Angel adds. She gives Haley’s shoulder a gentle squeeze. “If you want to get in line, you should.”
“Do you think he’d mind if I tell him one thing on my list?” Haley asks. “Not that I think he’d get it for me. Just to… get his opinion.”
I bite the inside of my cheek to keep from smiling.
“That’s a great idea, Hale,” Angel says. Taking a moment to scan the small park at the center of town, worry pulls at her features, but she quickly hides it. “How about if we get in line now, before it gets any longer?”
Haley looks at Angel, aghast. “You want to get in line with me?”
Angel flicks a quick, amused glance at me before turning her attention back to Haley. “That’s what we did last year. And it’s pretty busy.”
“But last year I was eight. This year I’m almost ten.
” Haley gestures at the line stretching away from the gazebo.
“Eloise is in line by herself. So is Tomas. And Jillian. Plus—” She makes a dramatic wave at the rest of the park.
“There are police around. See? There’s Officer Sage.
And Officer Pat. They won’t let anything happen. ”
Angel gnaws on her lower lip. I can tell she’s torn. “How about this,” she finally says. “We won’t stay in line with you. We’ll just stand kind of close.”
“How close?” Haley presses.
“Close enough to see you,” Angel replies. Then her voice takes on the stern mom-tone I remember my own mother using. “Or we can stand in line with you. It’s your choice.”
“Close enough to see me,” Haley answers quickly. She starts to dart off, but makes a quick about-face and hurries back to us. “What do you want for Christmas?” she asks. “Since I’m going to be talking to Santa, I can tell him.”
“Hmm.” Angel makes a show of thinking. “I would like a new decoration for the house. Something painted. And green.”
Haley nods solemnly. “Okay. I’ll tell him.” Then she turns to me. “Ronan? What about you?”
“Me?”
“Yes, you.” Haley puts her hand on her hip. “What do you want for Christmas?”
Considering we’ve done gift certificates in my family ever since I was eighteen, it’s not a question I’m prepared for. “A decoration,” I reply, tagging onto Angel’s idea. “For my house. Since I’m still fixing it up.”
Haley gives me and Angel a look that clearly says she thinks our ideas aren’t very good. But she doesn’t comment. Instead, she chirps, “Okay. I’m going to see Santa. After that, can we go to the craft center? They have cookie decorating there.”
“Okay.” Angel gives Haley’s braid a little tug. “Go see Santa. And when you’re done, we’ll be right there.”
As Haley runs off to join the end of the line, Angel and I follow at a more reasonable pace, but making sure Haley’s never out of view. While I watch Haley, I scan the surrounding crowd, searching for any sign of danger.
There aren’t any. Nothing visible, at least. But after decades spent looking for danger everywhere, it’s a habit I can’t break. And definitely not when it involves Haley’s safety.
“This is probably a bit more kid-centric than you expected,” Angel says, sounding apologetic about it.
“I’m guessing when you’ve come to the Winter Wonderland Walk, you stuck to the areas with more adults.
” She glances in the direction of Main Street, where the road’s been closed to traffic to allow for a cluster of food trucks and an assortment of vendors.
The crowd is definitely older over there, while the park is filled with dozens of kids and their parents.
She’s right that I didn’t really think about how many kid activities there would be.
But truth is, I don’t mind it. It’s nice, watching Haley bounce from one display to another.
I’ve enjoyed sharing in her excitement. And I can’t deny the flush of pleasure that comes whenever she tugs on my arm to show me something.
I never, ever would have thought it, standing in Blissful Brew that day, when Hazel asked me to check on Angel.
That I’d be giving Haley ski lessons? That I’d be watching Christmas movies willingly while discussing the merits of different kinds of holiday cookies?
That I’d be thinking about Angel all the time and contemplating the possibility of a relationship with her?
Isn’t that what this is, though? A relationship?
It’s been nearly three weeks since I found Angel in the snow outside her house, and with every week that passes, I see her more often.
We’ve been on two official grown-up dates, at least a half-dozen dinner-and-a-movie dates at her house, and this morning marked the end of Haley’s third skiing lesson, when I declared her skilled enough to join ski club.
I’ve kissed Angel. More times than I can count. And after our second grown-up date—meaning, Haley was with the babysitter—Angel and I made out in the car until the windows steamed up like we were a couple of teenagers.
Despite all that, there’s still a niggle of doubt I can’t shake.
What if I’m moving too fast?
What if I’m committing to too much?
What if Angel’s hiding something, and I don’t find out until it’s too late?
And the most insidious question, the one I hate even contemplating—what if she’s using me?
I don’t think she would.
I don’t think she’s hiding anything.
But I didn’t think that before, and look what happened.
“If you’d rather head off to the food trucks,” Angel says, “I’d totally understand. Hazel said that Alec is obsessed with trying all the food trucks. So you might find him over there.”
Slamming the door shut on my doubts, I turn to Angel with a smile. “I’m happy here. We can check out the food trucks later. I’m sure Haley’s going to be hungry soon.”
Angel smiles back at me. “I know I’m going to be hungry soon. If the line takes too long, I might have to sneak off to find a snack.” Her hand brushes mine—not holding my hand, but stroking her fingers across it. “Or if you’re hungry, I can watch Haley while you go.”
Looking into her guileless eyes, I silently scold myself for even thinking she could deceive me.
Angel isn’t like that. She’s sweet. Kind.
Honest. She’s told me things about her past that can’t have been easy for her.
She opened up about that asswipe, Justin, who I’m sorely tempted to pay a visit to, even though Angel told me not to.
I’m the one who hasn’t been fully honest yet. I know I should. Just… not yet.
I rest my hand on Angel’s back. “I’m good,” I tell her. “But are you getting cold? I can buy you a scarf if you’d like. Or a warmer hat or mittens.”
Angel leans against me. For a moment, I toy with the idea of wrapping my arm around her.
But with Haley nearby… I shouldn’t. “Thanks, but I’m fine,” Angel says.
She looks over at the line for Santa, where Haley’s now standing.
“She wants to believe in Santa,” she adds.
“I’ve lost track of how many times she’s asked me if Santa is real.
Selfishly, I want her to keep believing. ”
“Nothing wrong with believing a little longer,” I agree. Since Haley can’t see, I rub Angel’s back. “My brother’s kids still believe. It’s nice. Seeing them on Christmas all excited like that.”
Angel turns her head to look up at me. “How old are they again?”
“Four and six. So they’ve got some time still.” I chuckle, thinking about the two of them on Thanksgiving. As soon as Santa appeared during the Thanksgiving Day Parade, they were beside themselves, begging to put up the tree and all the decorations.
It was cute. But it also reminded me of Haley. And as much as I love my family, during the two days I was in Maine, I kept wishing I was back in Bliss instead.
“So…” Angel glances at Haley again before turning back to me.
“After this, do you want to come over to my place? Maybe watch a movie? You could bring Murphy over, so he’s not alone.
” A hopeful gleam lights her gaze. “I’d put money on Haley crashing early.
So we’d have some time alone.” She pauses.
“Unless you’re tired. Which would totally make sense, given what a long day it’s been. ”
It has been a long day. First the ski lesson at Stowe, then home to get changed, and back out to enjoy the Winter Wonderland Walk. And as much as I try to stay in shape for work, I’m not a kid anymore. I start to hit the wall, just like Haley does.
But a couple of uninterrupted hours this evening with Angel? Where we can cuddle beneath a blanket on the couch and I can touch her in places I wouldn’t dare in public?
“A movie sounds nice,” I reply. I rub her back again. “And Murph would love to come for a visit.”
Angel brightens. Her hand surreptitiously brushes mine again. “Okay. Good.” She thinks for a moment. “I think I have a bottle of wine tucked away somewhere. And we could watch an adult movie for a change.”