Chapter 5 You’re The Top #2
I shriek, grabbing a bundle of socks and throw them. They hit Leo’s chest squarely, bouncing off to the ground. I clutch my chest as Leo glances down at the socks, then holds his hands up in surrender and gives a sympathetic look. Heart pounding, I stare at him as I swallow hard.
This morning is going fantastic. Not.
“Autumn?” Worry etches his face as he walks over, brows furrowing. “What’s wrong?”
My mouth works, but words won’t come out.
I’ve gone up against the most powerful men in the city, killed one of them, and shot another in the dick, but I can’t seem to talk to Leo. What the hell happened the last few days that I keep finding it difficult to talk to him?
My chest constricts and the want to cry starts to come back. Panic rises as my hands start to shake, wishing I didn’t feel like I was spiraling. Leo grabs my hands, kissing my knuckles before brushing his other hand over my hair.
“Breathe, sweetheart.”
Stomach now twisting, I try to concentrate as everything feels like its crashing. Leo pulls me into his arms, smoothing his hand along my shoulders. He rubs my back, cradling my head against his chest.
“Once upon a midnight…” he starts to recite The Raven for me. I hug him, my arms reaching up to clutch his shoulders. The panic starts to subside as he caresses my back, slowly reciting the poem with me. The oncoming panic attack is gone by the time we finish.
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m not sure if it’s something we should talk about yet,” I murmur against his chest, anxiety wanting to build again.
“Why not?”
“We’ve got bigger issues, and it’s not really that big of deal. It’s fine.”
“No, it’s not.” Leo moves, gently grasping my chin to have me look up at him.
“None of our bigger issues are going anywhere, Autumn. Whatever it is, it’s bothering you enough to make you jumpy and cause a panic attack.
It could be from the last 72 hours, but what’s on your mind is likely part of it, too.
” He lets go of my chin, moving his hand to massage the nape of my neck.
“We’ll be home for the next few days, plenty of time to talk and allow the dust to settle.
So, please, tell me what’s causing you stress. ”
I lean forward, knocking my head against his chest in hopes it’ll give me answers. It doesn’t. Well, other than—tell your husband, you wimp.
“You’re not a wimp.” Nutcracker said that out loud. “Especially after yesterday shooting Rossi in the dick.”
“And Curione.” His fingers against the nape of my neck go still. “Both shots.”
Leo moves back slightly, tilting his head with furrowed brows creating those little lines on his forehead. It’s almost enough to make me giggle, until I remember why he’s making the face.
“You…killed Curione?”
I nod, and then take a deep breath, swallowing hard. “Not the first person I’ve killed.”
His fingers go back to massaging my neck. “Undercover?”
I nod. We’re both quiet a moment. “Not as innocent as you thought?”
“Never thought of you as innocent, my dear Watson. I’m certainly not one to judge.” He kisses my temple tenderly. “Is that why?”
“Weirdly…no. And now it feels even…stupider.”
“I assure you, whatever it is, it’s not. Even if you say you’ve actually been a double-agent this entire time from Genovia.”
I try to stifle a smile on the brink of giggling. “Someone’s been watching too many movies.”
“I’ve learned from the best.” A smirk appears on his face. He grabs both my hands, holding them gently. “What is it, Autumn?’
I lick my lips, swallowing hard again as I clench my fingers around his.
“In your sleep, you…you…” I sigh, telling myself to blurt it out while closing my eyes, “…said, maybe, called me Mistress. Couple times. Then I started to spiral, pieced together things from the past few months, and well…are you submissive? I mean, a Sub…Switch?”
Silence. Another beat. More silence.
I peek an eye open, then the other when I realize his furrowed brow is gone. He just stares, almost blankly before his jaw tenses a moment. I wonder if I finally overstepped, found the button not to push. Leo’s quiet for what seems like forever, and anxiety gnaws at me.
Panic attack round two here we go. Before I can spiral, Leo finally speaks.
“Let’s go have breakfast,” he says calmly, beginning to lead me out of the bedroom.
I blink at him, wondering if he didn’t hear me correctly. “Uhhh, Leo?”
“We always talk during breakfast, right? Best time.” He glances over his shoulder. Still calm. Still aloof.
I nod, and he squeezes my hand in return.
Quietly, I follow him out of the bedroom. He lets go of my hand, gesturing for me to sit at my usual spot at the counter. He slides a new mug of coffee to me, and then pulls out ingredients to make pancakes, bacon, and eggs. Full Leo breakfast.
Once I finally get caffeine in me, I relax a bit more watching him cook. He’s relaxed. Like…really relaxed as if a weight has been lifted off his shoulders.
“To answer your main question, yes I am a Switch,” he says, piercing the silence as he focuses on the food. “I’m more of a Dominant than Submissive though when it comes to needs. I realized this soon after I started training as a Dom back in California.”
“The, uh, early anger management?” I cradle my mug between my hands.
His eyes flick up to mine. “Yes.”
“Did they know?”
“One or two came to the same conclusion around the same time I did. I craved a harsher setting within scenes, but couldn’t follow through.
As I’ve told you, I couldn’t separate what I knew of, well, violence from role play or in a proposed setting, not as the one being in charge.
I couldn’t be a strict Dom without feeling tremendous guilt.
On my own, I realized I was a Sub who wanted those scenes, not as a Dom or Top. ”
He pours the batter into the pan, forming perfect circles.
“For a time, I was fine always being the Dom. I’d find a Sub for a weekend at a club I frequented along with a handful of the Crew who are in the lifestyle as well.
” Least surprising thing I’ve heard today.
“It worked, but I’d find myself wanting what I saw from others’ scenes.
A need to be ordered about and used. After some searching, I found a Dominatrix who could fulfill my desires. ”
Leo’s voice quiets, brows pinching together as he frowns deeply. My stomach drops as I watch him pause. Already I know I’m not gonna like where this goes.
“What happened?” I whisper.
Whatever stupor he was in, he blinks out of it and saves the pancakes before they burn.
“We were play partners for almost six months. I’d vetted her heavily.
Both of us professionals in the community, but I was becoming well-known as the hotel business grew.
I wanted my private life to remain private and not deal with judgement from ill-educated vultures.
And I needed someone who knew what they were doing. It was a good match.”
I wait as he continues cooking, going silent suddenly. The lines on his forehead deepen as his jaw works. He’s almost finished cooking, pulling plates out as the bacon sizzles. I watch him swallow hard a few times, and then turn the stove off.
I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep any breakfast down as he speaks.
“She blackmailed me. She recorded, without my knowledge, several of our sessions. Then demanded money or she’d upload the videos to porn sites, news outlets, and send it to my competitors.
I’m not ashamed of my kinks, now or even back then, but…
information like that is damning for anyone.
It was the violation of privacy and trust, using my desires as a weapon. ”
Leo finishes making our plates, then slides them to me. Stiffly, I set them in place as he grabs his coffee, but remains standing on the other side of the counter.
“Jameson and Waylon took care of it; I don’t know what happened to her. Honestly, I don’t care. Nor how they did it. The videos were destroyed, and I never heard from her again.”
“When did this happen?”
“Two months before Gabriel tried to blackmail me the first time.”
My breath shudders, remembering what Jameson told me about those months. How Leo’s trust had been broken. How it almost destroyed him. I thought only his family betrayed him.
“The only reason I believed that…bluff of Gabriel’s was because I thought she’d…he had…”
“The tapes.”
He nods, coming around finally and sits. We drink our coffee in silence.
All of it made sense. The last piece of the puzzle as to why the seclusion.
The paranoia. So many people he’s been close to stabbed him in the back, and the hits hadn’t stopped coming.
No wonder he didn’t introduce me to the Crew at first or anyone even before me.
The world had made him defensive and cold.
Son of a nutcracker, I could never imagine having something so personal shown to the world without my permission. It’d be worse than Eleanor stolen from me.
“I swore to myself I’d let that part of me go,” he says solemnly. I look over at him as he stares at his Americano. “I’d never let anyone in again. Too much of what I worked for was at stake, along with my own…” his voice trails off, clearing his throat, “…truly thought I buried it, even with you.”
“Do you not want that anymore?” I ask tentatively.
Leo closes his eyes, giving a long sigh. “I’ve made my peace with it.”
“That’s not an answer.”
“What I would want is not the same as you do in that role.” He opens his eyes, finally looking at me and my heart aches.
They’re not fully sad, but there’s a bittersweetness.
“What I need is far harsher and rigid than what we’ve done, requiring different aftercare not only for me, but for the Dom as well.
I’m the type of Sub who wants to be used.
Flogged, whipped, chained, or whatever comes to the Dom’s mind.
It’s not an easy task to find someone who can do that, then trusting them fully in such scenes to give up that amount of control.
I understand that. And so, I’ve made my peace with it. ”
“But you haven’t.”
The bittersweetness in his eyes diminishes, becoming pained.
After a short breath, I put my coffee down and get up to stand between his legs. I run my hands up his thighs, hoping to get rid of that pain.
“First off, thank you for telling me,” I say, placing my hands on his chest. “Second, I’m so sorry that happened to you. No one you trusted like that should’ve used such a vulnerable part of you against you. She’s a bitch, honestly.”
He smiles faintly, bringing a hand up to place over mine.
“Third. I don’t think you have made peace with it.
There’s still a side of you that wants that.
Craves it even. I didn’t notice before, but now I do.
I can look back and see all the clues like at the estate in the shower, when you wouldn’t move.
” Leo’s jaw tenses. “Or how you always say I own you, not the other way around. Your comfortability on your knees. Asking me to be selfish or tell you what to do. Whether consciously or not, you’re still grasping for someone to be that for you. ”
“I won’t ask you to be something you aren’t, Autumn,” he murmurs.
I take his hand, kissing above his wedding band.
“You don’t need to ask, Leo.” I grip his hand. “But I’ll ask the same question you gave me.”
“Which one would that be?”
The anxiety from before is gone. It’s replaced by that protective need for him again. Shield him from the world. Knowing all that’s happened, the world rarely giving him a sliver of mercy, I knew what I wanted. Except, Leo would need to answer first.
“Leo, do you want to be my Sub?”