11. I’m Not The One
I’m Not The One
Leo
Five (and a half) Years Ago
Holy fuck. We almost kissed in the middle of a restaurant, on a practice date.
I stared into my own eyes in the mirror as I washed my hands. There was nothing fake about this night. We might have pretended to get to know each other, asking questions we already knew the answers to, but the way we laughed, the way we communicated with an ease I’ve never had with anyone else. That was real, that was perfect.
I’ve always known my feelings for Zoe were real, but after tonight, I knew she felt it too, and I wasn’t sure what to do with that information. We’d been drinking, so it was not the right time to explore this. I didn’t want to be a regret for her, but now I knew for sure the spark was real, I didn’t think I could back away from this.
More than the almost kiss, that comment about going to bed alone — what was she saying? Did she want sex? Did she want sex with me?
Fuck .
The idea made my stomach knot up with nerves, and my dick twitch with excitement, getting ahead of himself.
Calm the fuck down, I told myself, checking out the cubicle doors behind me to make sure I was alone. ‘It’s fine, it’s okay.’ We’d both had too much wine to be addressing any of this tonight. The wine was probably to blame anyway.
Heading back out to the table, my breath caught in my throat as she looked up at me. It was no use. I was done pretending she was just my friend. I wanted her more than ever.
‘You ready to go?’ I asked, standing over her as she gazed up at me, those beautiful caramel eyes of hers turning me inside out.
‘Yeah, let’s go.’
I grabbed my jacket as she stood, and we left the restaurant.
It was close to where I lived and a nice night, so we decided to walk back instead of taking a cab. When Zoe shivered a little against the slight evening chill, I instinctively draped my jacket over her shoulders. I’d done it a hundred times. She’d worn my clothes before, but tonight, after that date and the way she turned her face up, a grateful smile on her lips, it felt different, more intimate.
‘Do you want to go to a bar, grab a drink or something?’ I suddenly felt nervous to be alone in my apartment with her.
‘No, can we just go home?’
I nodded, trying to steady my breath at the sound of her saying home as though we shared that space.
As I let us into the apartment, Zoe walked in ahead of me, and I locked the door.
‘I’m going to change,’ she said, turning to face me, and I nodded, okay.
She backed away a couple of steps, maintaining eye contact before she turned and walked into my bedroom. She didn’t shut the door and turned on the lamp on my nightstand. I had to tear my attention away from the open doorway and force myself into the kitchen.
Was that an invitation? Did she want me to follow her?
It didn’t matter. She’d been drinking. I couldn’t, we couldn’t.
I pulled down two glasses and filled them with water, and when I turned around, I almost swallowed my damn tongue. She was walking toward me, bare feet, bare legs, in one of my t-shirts.
‘I forgot to bring pajamas. Is this okay?’
‘Munch.’ I dropped my head, bracing myself on the kitchen counter and saying her nickname on an exhale. I wouldn’t survive this.
As she rounded the kitchen counter, getting so close that her perfume wrapped around me, she placed her little hand on my forearm, and the contact jolted me.
‘Leo,’ she said softly, and I flicked my gaze to hers.
She caught her bottom lip in her teeth, and I wished I was a stronger man. I wished I could have fought the open invitation, but I had waited a lifetime for Zoe to look at me that way.
Without a second thought, I reached up, gripping the back of her neck and crashing my mouth against hers.
I didn’t miss the gasp that escaped her. I didn’t miss the way her body melted into mine as I moved in front of her, pressing my body against hers and pushing her back against the counter.
My dick was as hard as steel beneath my jeans, and I was about to pull back and stop this if only to take a breath and make sure this was what she wanted, but when she raised her leg, wrapping it around me to pull me closer, seeking out friction with the roll of her hips, I lost all resistance. The walls came down.
I gripped her thigh, pulling her against me as I pressed forward, her gasps and moans into my mouth driving me crazy. Picking her up, she wrapped her thighs tight around me as my hands found the soft skin of her ass, the smooth lace of her panties. Fuck, this was really happening. I turned, pressing her back against the refrigerator, the clatter of bottles inside a telltale sign of the intensity of the moment.
Trailing hungry kisses to her jaw and her neck, I fought against the feelings of guilt growing in my stomach.
He wanted this. He told me he wanted this.
‘Leo—’ The moan of my name, the way she rocked her hips against me, the way she dug her fingers into my shoulders and threw her head back to give me more access told me she wanted this too.
Reaching between our bodies, I ran trembling fingers over the soaked fabric between her legs before moving it aside. One then two fingers slid easily into her, and her breath stopped, trapped in a silent moan. I pulled back to take in her expression, the way her mouth hung open, her head thrown back against the refrigerator, exposing her throat to me as I slowly fucked her with my fingers.
Every second that passed had me waiting for her to tell me to stop, second-guessing my next move, wondering whether I should be the one to stop this, but I was powerless. I couldn’t have stopped it — it had to be her.
When she sought out my mouth with hers once more, her tongue tangling with mine, the single frayed thread I was hanging on by snapped. I pulled my fingers from her body, unbuttoned and unzipped my jeans, and pulled my dick out in record time. Holding the head against her pussy, I pulled back. This was the moment. This was when she would stop this.
But she didn’t.
Instead, she rolled her hips, taking the tip on her terms, and I drove forward. Zoe’s eyes widened as I filled her before crashing my mouth to hers once more and thrusting into her, hard and fast, shaking the fridge with the force.
There were no screams, no eager cries, just swallowed moans and desperate gasps for air.
I held onto the back of her thighs, gripping as I felt her tightening. Zoe’s fingers traveled into my hair, pulling and driving me crazy, moaning as her head fell back once more.
She tightened, squeezing me as the cries I had hoped for filled the air around us, and I couldn’t hold on. I came hard, driving into her as she fell still and silent… And then it happened.
I pulled back to meet her gaze as I pulled out of her and lowered her legs to the floor, but she avoided the eye contact.
‘Hey,’ I said softly, and she shook her head slowly.
‘It’s okay.’
I swallowed hard. I hadn’t been doubting that, but now I knew it wasn’t. She was trembling, and I thought I might crumble at any moment.
‘Zoe, look at me.’
‘I can’t.’ Her voice cracked, and my heart sank.
‘Zo.’
‘It’s fine, Leo.’ She looked up briefly, and the tears in her eyes caught the light. ‘Really, I’m okay.’
‘You’re not, munch.’ I brought my hand up to her cheek, and her eyes closed, forcing tears to fall. ‘Please, talk to me.’
‘I’m sorry.’ The words escaped her as a sob, and I stepped back, giving her space. ‘Oh god.’
As her hands came up to cover her face, she cried hard, as though she couldn’t stop. I hadn’t seen Zoe cry in a long time, and to be the reason for it was a punch to the gut.
‘I’m sorry,’ she whimpered. ‘I thought I was ready. I’m sorry.’
I stepped back and turned away, zipping up my fly and bracing myself against the countertop. Every instinct in my body was to comfort her and take care of her, but I couldn’t do that, not now. I needed to let her breathe.
‘Go to bed, Zo.’
My voice was weak. I felt broken, and she said nothing before passing me and heading into the bedroom, shutting the door behind her. She wasn’t ready. I should have known that.
‘This what you wanted?’ I said quietly into the silence. ‘It’s not me, Luke. I’m not the one.’