Chapter 13
“What is that look?” Sebastian asked from across the carriage.
Helena shrugged innocently. “What look?”
“That look right there.” He pointed a finger at her face, laughing as he did. “The eyes. The cheeks. The lips. The whole thing, really.”
“This?” She fluttered her eyelashes. “This is my face. It is how I always look.”
He narrowed his eyes at her. “You aren’t teasing me, are you?”
“Me?” she gasped. “Never.”
“Good…” Eyes still narrowed, he watched her closely. “Because I think we both know that I am the coy one. If anyone should be doing the teasing, it is me.”
“Sounds like fun.”
He laughed. “You did not think so last week.”
“A lot can change in a week.” She fluttered her eyelashes again.
Helena was expecting Sebastian to laugh along with her.
The mood was light and playful, the atmosphere between them easy and carefree. To her, it felt like the first time they were letting down their guard and enjoying one another’s company. And she was very much liking it.
But Sebastian seemed to realize something. The humor vanished from his face, replaced by a seriousness. He did not dismiss her, nor did he turn away.
“Yes,” he agreed stoically. “I suppose it can.”
This is a bad idea. A terrible, stupid, insane idea! I know it is. Just as I know that I should quit now before I go too far. Only, I don’t really want to. Not one little bit.
Helena had enjoyed the evening more than she thought possible.
And it wasn’t just that Sebastian was no longer overplaying their romance to a point of absurdity.
It wasn’t that the falsity was gone, replaced by a real companionship that felt natural, so they did not need to pretend as they once had.
It also had nothing to do with Sebastian allowing her to behave as she wished, drinking without judgment, speaking with her friends, acting like a free woman in ways her parents had never allowed.
What Helena enjoyed most was how her husband had protected her from that woman. The way he swept in, saved her, and then stayed by her side after the fact to not only ensure that she was fine, but to also signal to everyone else that she was his.
Yes, she suspected some of it was for show. But his words afterwards, his assurance that it had nothing to do with their ruse… that was what stuck with her. And that was why she was behaving so freely.
Well, that and the wine she had drunk throughout the evening.
Helena had not meant to drink so much, but without her parents to stop her, she got carried away. Her head was spinning, and when Sebastian said they were leaving, she realized it was a good idea because she was one or two drinks away from embarrassing herself.
Although, with how I am behaving right now, perhaps that assessment is a little optimistic of me.
To the carriage, he led her, helping her inside like a true gentleman. The doors closed, he fell onto the seat across from her, and she was unable to stop her wicked tongue from wagging in ways that she knew were stupid, but simply could not help.
“Ah, but change is a good thing, no?” she asked, refusing to let the sudden change in his demeanor stop her. “If not, I would be stuck in this carriage with the same man I married two weeks ago.” She shuddered. “A most dreadful prospect.”
He snorted. “Tell me then how you really feel.”
“Do not take it personally,” she laughed and then winked. “I rather like this new husband. Not nearly as arrogant and rude as the last one.”
He rolled his eyes but could not hold back his smile. “Oh, he is. He is just better at hiding it.”
The interior of the carriage was dark, making Sebastian’s face difficult to see properly. But his eyes somehow shone in the shadows, and Helena could see them watching her with growing interest and admiration.
He had looked at her that way before, only it had always been when other people were around. Because he had to do so.
It felt different this time. There were no crowds. No need for falsity. And in those eyes, Helena could sense the very change she was speaking of. She could feel it happening.
“Be that as it may, I rather like this new husband,” she purred, albeit not quite as smoothly as she might have liked because the alcohol was making her sway a little. “I hope he isn’t going anywhere.”
“Careful, Duchess,” Sebastian responded with a coy smirk and a flashing of his eyes. “The ton may start to think that you’re falling for your husband with such talk.”
“And what if I were?”
“With no one around to see it?” he said coolly. “What a waste that would be.”
Like a slap across the face, that single line snapped Helena out of her drunken flirtations.
She had been getting carried away, letting the alcohol mix with how she had enjoyed the evening, steering her tongue as her inhibitions lowered, such that she very nearly did something she would not be able to take back.
And while she felt it was the right thing to do, certain that Sebastian was of the same mind, that single statement was like a cold bucket of water being tossed over her drunken body.
He was still playing a game. Still of the mind that their marriage only mattered when people were around to see it. Happy to indulge her for now, but careful to remind her of the real purpose of all this.
And Helena, drunk and stupid, had very nearly forgotten her promise to herself. And she had nearly ruined everything because of it.
Sebastian has changed, but not nearly as much as I thought. Which is good. I have not changed either; I am merely a little tipsy. Got carried away… not thinking clearly…
She realized how drunk she was then, and how ridiculous she must have looked. So she let out a laugh, waved Sebastian off as if it was all in good fun, and scooted across her seat to look out the carriage window, as if she was happy to pretend that nothing awkward was said between them.
Thankfully, Sebastian did not push their conversation further. But she felt him watching her for the remainder of the ride home, no doubt realizing what she had been saying and where her mind had been.
A shake of the head, a low groan, and an embarrassed grimace as she stared out the window, the world seeming to spin around her, her stomach churning from the drink.
That was too close. Much, much too close. She could not let it happen again.
Helena woke up the following morning with both a headache and a sordid feeling in her stomach that might have been sickness caused by too much wine the previous evening or might have been embarrassment and shame caused by how she had behaved in the carriage.
Likely, it is a little bit of both. The hangover weakened my defenses, so the consequences now feel tenfold because I very nearly made a mess of everything. Typical, really.
That she had managed to stop herself before pushing things too far was a relief, to be sure. But that did not solve the problems that beset her. If anything, it made them worse.
This marriage was not what she had expected. She was not as strong as she wished, and despite what she thought she knew about herself, the way her stomach turned and her heart fluttered in her chest just by thinking about her husband…
I am in even more trouble than I initially thought.
She was slow to get ready that morning. And just as slow arriving at breakfast. Not that this should have mattered, as every day since she had arrived at this manor, she had dined alone. And she saw no reason that would change.
At least she believed as much until she walked into the breakfast room, not paying attention because she was holding her stomach and massaging her throbbing temple. And thus, she was completely unprepared for what awaited her.
“Good morning.” Sebastian was seated at the table, seemingly waiting for her. “This is a rather late start, no?”
Helena came to a sudden stop, her face paling at seeing her husband smiling at her. He was sitting at the head of the table so that the morning light streaming through the window landed on him and made him glow.
He looked radiant… and deadly.
“Seb—Sebastian,” Helena stammered, staggering in surprise. “What are you doing here?”
“I wish to say that I am breaking my fast, but that is too obvious.”
She gave an awkward laugh. “I meant… I was not expecting you.”
“Yes, well…” He shrugged. “As you said last evening, things change, don’t they? And I am rather hungry after last night’s festivities. Is that a problem?”
“No, of course not.”
“Good.” He gestured to the seat beside him. “Care to join me?”
Was this just one day ago, Helena would not have hesitated. She would not have started sweating, fear and worry seeping from her very being as if the simple question her husband asked had implications far grander than what it seemed.
The truth was, Helena had enjoyed herself a little too much last night. She had started to see a new side, not just in her husband, but also in this marriage and what it might become if they both dropped the facade and tried to make it work.
But she did not want it to work. She could not allow it to work. And that was why she hesitated.
Why was Helena so against marriage? She repeated those reasons in her head, forcing them upon herself as a stark reminder of why she could not let this go any further—why she did not want it to!
She never wished to marry in the first place.
Growing up, she was always fiercely independent and believed that marriage was the antithesis of this way of living.
She had seen her sister wed, happy she claimed, but forced to live her life as her husband wanted it.
No agency, no self-governance, belonging to someone else… a man, as it was.
Her mother, too. Yes, she was happy and would say as much if she were asked. But she was also just as subservient to her father, doing what he asked, agreeing with what he said, always following his lead because he was in charge and she was merely second best.
There was but one thing Helena wanted in this life, and that was the freedom to do as she pleased. Her writing was the embodiment of this, and to give in and accept married life felt like a betrayal of the worst kind.
Sebastian might very well be different. This marriage might very well be different. But that is all surface level, and if it goes any further, I have no doubt those freedoms I aspire to will be taken from me. I know they will.
“I…” She took a step back. “I am feeling a little under the weather.”
“You are?” Sebastian sat up, looking concerned.
“Nothing to worry about…” She laughed awkwardly and touched her head. “I think I might have gotten carried away with the wine last evening. Silly me.”
“Breakfast will help,” he advised.
“No!” she blurted a little too loudly. Then, she grimaced and lowered her voice. “I meant… a day of bed rest is what I need. That is all.”
“You are certain?” He half moved as if to stand.
“I am.” Another step back. “But thank you, and I will see you later, I am sure.”
“Let us hope so.” Sebastian nodded once.
She forced a smile because she did not want him to grow suspicious. Then, she turned and stumbled out of the room, mind spinning and body aching.
This marriage had changed so much and so quickly. For that, a part of her was glad, as it would make the following months more bearable. But another part cursed the outcome, wondering why she hadn’t just accepted the fate Sebastian offered when they first wed—treated as a stranger and little more.
She had no choice but to revert to her previous mode of operation. Not because she wanted it, but because she needed to. And hopefully, Sebastian would see what she was doing and accept their fate.
Hopefully, he wouldn’t notice at all because this was all in her head.