Chapter 14 #2
“Too late for that, I am afraid.”
Helena laughed. “It is… I was glad when I heard that you had come to see me, Anna. As it stands, you might be the only person I can talk to about this. The only one who understands.”
“Understand what? And please, remember this is not one of your stories. Straight answers would be nice.”
“When this whole thing started, Sebastian and I had an agreement. Inside these walls, we would treat this marriage as it was—a false thing that existed only for our convenience. Barely friends, closer to strangers, there was no need to act any other way. But once in public, we would act as if we were in love and as happy as could be.”
“Done a little too well,” Anna noted.
“And that is the problem,” Helena said bitterly. “I found that I liked the way it felt…” A grimace next. “So when we were back behind these walls, the feeling of being ignored and treated so dismissively hurt like it should not have.”
“Oh, Helena…”
“Stupid me, I brought this to my husband’s attention, and surprisingly, he was of the same mind.
Last week, especially, we have begun treating one another as equals, spending time together, and speaking honestly for a change.
And it has become so natural that when we do go out in public, there is no need for exaggeration or performance.
We act as…” She shook her head. “We act as if we are, in fact, married.”
“Helena…” Anna was studying her. “Forgive me for asking, but what is the problem exactly? You had me worried, but all I hear is what can only be interpreted as good news.”
“It is not good news!” Helena ripped her hand from Anna’s and rounded on her. “You know me as well as anyone, Anna. So you know how I feel about marriage.”
“I do.”
“And you know that the last thing I want is… I do not wish for… I am not some pathetic little girl who needs a husband to make her happy. Marriage is a prison, Anna. That is all it can be. And I know this! I have spent my life…” Her chin began to wobble as emotions welled up inside her.
“I do not want to end up in something I know I will hate. It is not me.”
“You are worried that if this marriage continues as it does, you might fall for your husband,” Anna said.
“I worry that my life will be taken from me. The walls I have built are crumbling, and when I look at Sebastian, I do not feel revulsion or… or fear as I need to. Why is that?”
Anna laughed. “May I ask you a question?”
“Please!”
“Say the worst happened, and you and the Duke developed feelings for one another. Has he given any indication at all that he is the type of husband who would take these so-called freedoms from you? That he would trap you, as you seem to think he wants to?”
“I…” Helena opened her mouth to say yes, because that felt right. Only, it was a lie, and she could not speak it. “I do not… No, not yet. But he might.”
“Helena…” Anna took her hand once more and squeezed it as she looked into her eyes, pleading with her. “It is not such a bad thing to develop feelings for your husband. In fact, that is the entire point of all this.”
“For some, maybe. Not for me.”
“Look at me,” Anna said. “I was the same, not wanting to marry for similar reasons. And now that I am, I could not be happier for it. Marriage is not the prison you seem to think it is. Not if it is with the right man.”
“But how do I know if he is right?”
“Ask him,” she said simply.
Helena leaned back. “I cannot do that. For all I know…” She winced and looked away, suddenly feeling embarrassed… and sad. “For all I know, he does not feel anything for me. All of this is for naught. It might be all in my head.”
“Possibly,” Anna relented. “But that does not mean you can’t find out.
You see it as a betrayal to follow your heart, when the opposite is true.
Think of it like this.” She took her other hand.
“Your heart would not lead you down this path if not for a good reason. It knows you better than anyone, just as it knows what you want.”
“I guess so…”
“You spend so much time in your own head, Helena, that you forget to live outside of it. This marriage is set to end, yes? That is the idea?”
“It is, for now.”
“Until it does, why not explore your feelings? There is no need to commit to anything. No need to panic.” She laughed. “But spend time with your husband, learn who he really is. And most importantly, learn who you really are. You might surprise yourself.”
“And if I am right?” Helena asked, desperate for answers.
Anna shrugged. “Then do as you both agreed and end the marriage when the time comes. It really isn’t as difficult as you are making it out to be. But be open, Helena. And try for once. Happiness can be found in marriage, and all I want for you is to be happy. You deserve it as much as anyone.”
Helena had no idea what to say, so she hugged her friend as a way to show her gratitude. And as she hugged her, she considered her words. The wisdom in them.
It was far too early to know what this marriage would become, just as it was far too early to really know how she felt about Sebastian. But if she were to stop running and give it a chance…
Might I have both? Freedom and happiness found in love?
It sounded too good to be true, an ending to one of her highly exaggerated stories. But like all good stories, those endings did not happen by accident, and before the final page was reached, the heroine had to act as she knew in her heart she should. No matter the cost.
“Thank you, Anna,” she said as she pulled away. “I… I needed to hear that.”
“For you, Helena, anything.”
She knew now what she had to do. She just hoped that she was strong enough to do it. And most importantly, she didn't do what she always did and lose herself in her own head because, so often, it was better to live in there than face the real world. Not to mention its dire consequences.