Chapter 16
It took two more days before Helena was able to do as she planned.
Frustrating, she thought, because in this instance, fate was not hers to control.
So used to doing what she wished when she wished it, having to rely on the actions of another was alien to her.
Yet another strike against married life.
But tonight was the night, and she readied herself in ways she never thought she would need or want to.
She spent the afternoon preparing. It started with a long bath, scrubbed clean from head to toes with help. Scented water, so that she would smell sweet and alluring, her hair washed and curled as if she were preparing to go to a ball.
Next, a gown was chosen, emerald in color, with golden hems and floral prints, tight-fitting but with a flowing skirt.
Light make-up was put on her face, and her jewelry was restricted to emerald-encrusted earrings only because she did not wish to overdo it.
And it was just as evening came that she was ready.
Her heart thundered in her chest as she walked out of her room and down the hall. She was more nervous than she ought to have been, and still, she could not determine whether this was a good idea or not.
After tonight, it will all be over. Proof that Sebastian thinks little of me. Proof that we do not work together, and everything I have felt has been for show only. It has to be…
Also, she felt excitement, even if she refused to admit it. The slight chance that this might… that this might lead to something more.
Helena could not escape how she had felt that night in the carriage, how good it had felt to her, and how much she wanted it. And Anna’s words of encouragement echoed in her head all the while.
So it was that she presented herself in the dining room just as Sebastian was sitting down to eat.
“Good evening,” she spoke from the doorway, presenting herself in a way that was surely unexpected. “Is there room for one more?”
Sebastian started in surprise. “Helena. What are you…” His eyes flicked over her, and a smile touched his lips. “Don’t you look a treat.”
“Do I?” She shrugged as if it were no big thing.
He laughed. “That is one word I would use, anyhow. Might I ask what the occasion is? Or does that go against our rules?”
“I thought I might join you, if you will have me?”
“You wish to have supper with me?” There was that knowing look glimmering in his eyes, as if he knew what she was doing and why.
“Is that a problem?”
“Considering you have not had supper with me once, it’s not a problem, as much as it is a surprise.”
“Is it my fault that my husband spends most evenings… I do not even know where. I thought I would take advantage of his being here for a change.”
He laughed again. “Please, I welcome the chance.”
He was quick to move down the table, pulling out the chair right by the head where he sat. She smiled in thanks as she approached, her heart fluttering, her thoughts trying to stay focused. But it felt nice, the way he doted on her, and the adoration in his eyes.
Indeed, the way he watched her reminded her of their first outing, the false love he lavished upon her. Only this time, there was nobody to watch them, which made her wonder why he looked at her that way.
“Thank you,” she said as she sat.
He took his seat while watching her, his eyes glimmering, a smile on his lips. “You really look beautiful,” he murmured. “Perhaps I should eat at home more often.”
“I would not want to drag you away from…” She shrugged. “Wherever it is that you have been getting yourself off to.”
“Curious, are you?” he asked with a wink.
“Not at all,” she said stoically. “Merely making conversation.”
He chuckled and then motioned for a butler to make her a plate.
It was done in silence while he watched her with noticeable curiosity. No doubt he wanted to know what she was doing and why she was doing it. No doubt he was careful not to pry.
As for Helena? All she wanted to do was prove what she thought she knew. That she and Sebastian could never work, and once they were left alone, he would revert to his old self and treat her as little more than an imposition on his life. And once he did…
Once tonight is over, I can rest easy and stop wondering. He does not care for me. I do not care for him. The way it is meant to be.
At least that was the plan.
“So, how goes the redecorating?” Sebastian asked once they were settled.
The butler came in behind Helena to pour her a glass of wine, but she held up a hand to stop him. Now was not the time to succumb to alcohol.
“It is going well, thank you,” she said.
In truth, she had lost interest once she realized that Sebastian did not care. It was still underway because she was not about to stop midway through, but the thrill was gone.
“You really do not care?”
“I told you that I did not.”
“Still,” she pressed. “It must be frustrating to come home one day and see that I have completely dismantled half the house without asking permission.”
He chuckled. “I do not think a few rooms count as half the house.”
“You know what I mean.”
“Truly, it hardly concerns me.” The butler poured him a glass, and he was happy to let him. He then took a sip, his eyes fixed on Helena. “Although I do wonder about it.”
“So, you do care.”
“I did not say that.”
“What are you saying exactly?”
Another sip of wine, always watching her. “For the past week, you have been rather… rebellious. I cannot help but wonder the reason.”
“It is not your business,” she said sharply.
He laughed. “Yes, you have made that perfectly clear. Almost as if there is a point to it all.”
“I…” She hesitated, careful not to say something that might give away her motive. “I have been bored, that’s all. And when I become bored, I become restless. What else am I supposed to do?”
“Whatever you want,” he said simply. “As I told you.”
“Yes…” She eyed him, trying her best to see through the ruse, realizing quickly that he was speaking truthfully. “You did, didn’t you?”
This was not going at all how she planned. If anything, it was going well! He was not dismissive of her entirely, nor was he commanding. He seemed curious about her, interested in ways that he should not have been. And with no audience there, it felt sincere.
And things only got worse from there.
Food was served shortly, a pea soup to start, and then some sort of seared meat with baked vegetables and thick gravy. Far too much for two people. She wondered if he had known that she would be joining him. As if he expected it, even wanted it.
“Tell me about your writing,” Sebastian asked as she cut into her meat.
“Excuse me?” She paused with knife and fork in hand, caught completely by surprise because it was the last question she had expected.
“Your writing,” he said earnestly as he speared a piece of meat with his fork. “In fact, what of the novel that you wrote? I’m trying to remember the title…” He bit his lip, and then his eyes lit up. “The Lady Who Would be King.”
“How did you know that?” she gasped.
“I saw it the night Mr. Ramsay accosted you,” he explained.
“And… and you remembered it?”
“Of course.” He sounded surprised by the question, as if there was no reason he should not have. “So, come on then, tell me. What is it about? I would love to hear it.”
“You would?”
“Yes,” he laughed. “It’s a good title, and I am positively curious about the plot. Maybe you will let me read it one day, God willing.”
Helena stared at him with her mouth open. For years now, she had worked in secret, unable to talk about her writing, unwilling to because she knew that nobody would understand. That she would be judged for it, derided and ridiculed. That was just the way these things went.
But she wanted to talk about it. She loved speaking of the art of storytelling, the intricacies of characters, and the maneuverings of plot. And as to her own novel? She had not discussed it with a soul, even if she very much wanted to.
“You… you won’t laugh?” she asked nervously.
“Why would I laugh?” He frowned at her. “If anything, I am leaning toward being impressed.”
“Alright, make fun.”
“I’m not,” he assured her, his smile and the look in his eyes conveying his sincerity. “It takes a lot to write a novel. The passion to commit to such a thing. I would very much like to hear how you became an author, in fact. If you would tell me…”
She looked at him curiously, searching for the ruse, certain he was trying to trick her somehow. But it was so clear that he was in earnest. That he was, in fact, impressed.
And for that reason, Helena found herself talking. And once she started, she could not stop.
“… that is when the love story begins,” she was saying. “Which is absurd, of course, as she is pretending to be a duke, so she must romance a lady of the ton.”
“Ridiculous,” Sebastian laughed deeply. “But clever. And what does the lady he romances think about her suitor being a woman?”
“She does not know, of course,” she scoffed. “That is the entire idea! Really, it’s not until a terrible accident wipes out the next in line for the throne, leaving her as the apparent heir, that things take a turn.”
“Let me guess, she plots to murder the king so she can sit on the throne.”
“Of course not!”
“Well, she should. By the sounds of it, she might do a better job.” He laughed again, and she laughed along, thrilled by his reaction to the story. “She can’t do any worse.”
“But that is the entire idea,” she explained excitedly, letting the thrill take over.
“All her life, she has been treated as less because she is a woman. And now that she might be a king, and all because she wears pants instead of a dress…” She shrugged.
“It says a lot about my feelings concerning the male half of the ton.”
“It says a lot about the author,” he countered. “And what she thinks of herself.”
She scoffed. “It is only fiction.”
“There is always truth in fiction.” He was smirking at her, his eyes glimmering in the candlelight. “Does my wife think she is smarter than I? More capable and cunning?”
She fixed him with a coy look, an eyebrow raised, a cheeky glint in her eyes. “I don’t think anything. I know it for a fact.”
As she expected, he burst into laughter. And it was genuine, just as it sounded good to her ears.
The food had long since been finished, but neither seemed to notice. So lost in their conversation, how effortless and easy it was, that Helena felt they could have sat there all night. And that she wanted to.
It might have been annoying. She might have sighed with regret, realizing that she was not so eager to be done with her husband as she had claimed. That was what she thought she felt growing between them was very real and not nearly as fake as she had once believed.
But as things stood, that wasn’t how she felt.
She held Sebastian’s eyes across the table. She smiled, and he returned it. They held that stare, the silence building, no tension because they were past such things.
For all her assurances that he felt nothing for her at all, she could see in the way he looked at her that it wasn’t remotely close to the truth.
He does feel something for me. It is not an act or a lie. What that is… as things stand, I want to find out. How very strange.
Helena was about to ask if he wanted a drink, feeling that she had earned one and that she did not want this night to end. Only then, very suddenly, he pushed back his chair and stood.
“You’re leaving?” she blurted.
“What gave it away?” He grinned. She looked at him flatly, and he sighed. “I am afraid that duty calls in London. I was going to tell you, but…” He shrugged. “I did not think you would care.”
“And I don’t,” she said quickly, a lie as great as any she had ever told.
She studied him for a moment, her pulse racing, her stomach flipping with the thrill of tonight and how well things had gone. There were times when she did not care where he was going. He was free to do as he pleased, just as she was. But times were quickly changing.
“Where are you going?” she asked. “I wish to know.”
He frowned and tilted his head. “Do you, now?”
“Is that a problem? Unless it is a secret?” she scoffed derisively, trying her best to feign disinterest. “Do not tell me that you…” She swallowed past a lump in her throat when a thought came to mind. “That you have some secret love you do not wish for me to find out about.”
“Would that be a problem?”
Yes!
“Not at all. But it would be nice to know, so that I am not made to look like a fool when the secret is out.” She folded her arms and cocked an eyebrow at him in defiance.
He looked down at her, considering her as he did so often. There was no humor in his eyes, no judgment either. It was as if he were trying to decide something. To tell her the truth or not, she assumed.
“Grab your coat,” he said as he stepped around the table.
“What? Why?”
He turned back and looked at her, offering a coy wink. “You wish to find out where I have been going? It might be easier if I show you.”
“You… you are going to show me?”
“If you want to know.”
She did, more than she cared to admit. Having no idea what Sebastian had been doing in his spare time, she sensed that it was important and personal, and his wanting to show her was further proof of how he truly felt about her.
“I’ll meet you outside!” She was up from her chair and striding across the room.
“Going somewhere?” he laughed.
“If you think I am wearing this…” She gestured to her gown. “A quick change of clothes, I think. Don’t worry.” She winked to match his cheekiness. “I’ll be quick. Just don’t leave without me.”
“I wouldn’t dream of it.”