Chapter 20
Roo
Iblink awake.
Slowly.
Groggily.
I can smell cake.
A little voice in the back of my head screams, Not good, not good, not good.
Tanner’s still in bed beside me, but it takes me a moment to recognize he’s the lump under the covers.
I stumble out of bed in need of some water, shaking my head to try and clear the cobwebs clogging my thoughts.
It’s going to be a day.
My throat doesn’t work properly as I try to drain the glass. My mouth still feels dry and gross, and all I want is to go back to bed and curl up next to Tanner, but I’m never going to be able to relax enough for that to happen. I’m so tired, but my muscles feel like they’re buzzing.
The feeling is all too familiar.
I want the day to be over already.
I’m not sure how long I stand at the kitchen counter, gripping the glass, completely spaced out. The next thing I’m aware of is Tanner’s movements in his room down the hall, and I count the seconds until he joins me. I need to see his face.
He’s shirtless, and his sweatpants are slung low on his hips, but I can’t even appreciate the sight. Instead, as soon as he’s close enough, I step forward and bury my face in his chest.
His chuckle is low, skin warm as he wraps his arms around me and cradles my head.
“Roo, what’s—”
I tilt my head until my ear is sealed over his heartbeat. The moment I hear those steady, familiar thumps, my eyes fall closed and I let out a long breath. Instant comfort.
Tanner goes stiff under my face. “Are you feeling like—”
“Shh …”
He falls silent, hugs me tighter, and we stand in the kitchen for fuck if I know how long while I listen to his heart. It’s the one thing that always used to calm me down. Each steady beat is hypnotizing and helps take me out of my head.
Tanner keeps a tight hold on me as he pivots and leans back against the counter. His fingers twist through my hair, and everything, literally everything about him consumes me. I don’t know what I’ll ever do if I lose him.
“How’s your head?” he asks eventually, rough thumb brushing my temple.
“Foggy. But not sore.”
“How about you go and lie down, and I’ll make you something to eat?”
“Can’t eat.”
“I’ll find something small.”
I’m reluctant to let go of him, to move away from the comfort of his heartbeat, but I do. I need to sit down.
Only once I’m on the couch, I need to lie down.
And once I’m down, the energy zapping through my muscles makes me want to stand again.
Tanner’s talking to someone in the kitchen, and I listen to his soothing voice, not concentrating on any of the words.
It doesn’t take him long to join me, and despite saying I wasn’t hungry, the cheesy scrambled eggs he sets in front of me smell good. I lean forward and take a bite, and before I can settle back, Tanner falls into my spot and pulls me against him.
“I feel all buzzy,” I moan. I’m well aware I’m acting like a pathetic child, but I hate these days. My muscles feel like they’re shivering uncontrollably, but nothing’s moving.
“When was your last seizure?”
“A few weeks before I left home.”
His hand finds my hair again. “And is this a usual amount of time between them?”
“There is no usual amount since the surgery. A month sounds about right, but it ranges from a couple of days to as far as six months.”
“I called in sick for work tonight. I’ll be here.”
I could sob. “You won’t get in trouble?”
“No, but I wouldn’t care if I did.”
“I …” I’m not sure how much I can say. “When I have them and you’re not there, all I can think about are the times you were. You have no idea how bad I wanted that back.”
“Well, you have me now. For as long as you need me.”
I want his words to mean what they do when I say forever. I don’t doubt that Tanner loves me, but I do doubt he loves me the way I need him to. And right now, that’s not a conversation I have energy for. But I do need to have it.
Living in this bubble where I can fool myself into thinking we’re boyfriends isn’t healthy.
It’s like my high school unrequited love all over again, except this time, I don’t enjoy it.
This time I know it’s only a matter of time before people expect us to grow up and move on with our lives, to find our other halves, and if Piper is any indication, people want that of Tanner sooner rather than later.
I refuse to give him up without fighting for him first.
He leans forward to grab the bowl, then starts feeding me. I let him. Tanner loves to feel needed, and there’s no one who needs him more than I do.
Besides, if he wasn’t feeding me right now, I wouldn’t be eating. The thought of lifting my arms or holding my own body weight seems like way too much effort.
I’m so thankful my seizures are rare these days because I always feel so drained before and after.
Whenever people ask me if I regret the surgery because it didn’t fix things, I always tell them I’d go through it all again.
It was hard, and recovery was a lot, but at least now I have some form of a life back.
At least now I can offer Tanner more than complete exhaustion and total responsibility for another person.
During senior year, it was almost always like this.
I’m the Roo he first became friends with, before things went downhill so dramatically.
Tanner sets the half-empty bowl back on the table. “You done?”
“Yes.” I’m still struggling to get this last bite down.
“Good.” Tanner loops an arm under my knees and stands, taking me with him. It catches me by surprise, but I manage to grab hold of his neck before he drops me. “We’re gonna get my laptop, and lie in bed, and watch movies all day.”
“I don’t think we’ve ever done that before.”
“I don’t think we have either.”
My heart feels full as he tucks me in and grabs a glass of water and his laptop. He sets it on the nightstand, then climbs into bed behind me.
“Try and sleep.”
“How the hell am I supposed to do that when your dick is right beside my ass?”
He laughs. “You don’t think about it.”
“Bit hard.”
“It’s not hard at all, actually. And you’re not in any state to be thinking about my dick.”
“I’m always thinking about your dick.”
He laughs again. I love that laugh. I wish I could take the time to enjoy it, but my brain is still all fuzzy. So instead of watching the movie, I let my eyes close and concentrate on branding this moment to my memory. I’m convinced there’s nowhere in the world safer than being in Tanner’s arms.
He leans over me at some point to switch movies, but I’m in a weird limbo between awake and asleep and not in any hurry to move past it.
I roll onto my back to look up at him. “Can I ask you something?”
“Always.”
“In high school, did you ever think your life would be easier without me around?”
He hums as he stares across the room, thinking. “Well … life might have been easier. But easier doesn’t mean better, and I wouldn’t have changed things even if I could.”
“You used to get teased.”
“So did you. And I don’t anymore. The way I see it, those closed-minded assholes were what I had to go through to earn you.”
“Earn … me?” Even without a fluffy brain, I’m sure those words wouldn’t make any more sense.
“A friend like you is a gift. You’re loyal and fearless, and you’d support me with any little thing I wanted to do.
Not everyone is lucky enough to find their Roo.
So yeah, I had to get through a little teasing, but who the fuck cares?
Because I always knew that as soon as I walked out of that locker room, I’d be heading straight for you and …
” He pauses for a moment. “I dunno. When we’re together, I forget about all the stuff I’m supposed to worry about. ”
I swear I have damn hearts in my eyes. It’s these moments, where Tanner doesn’t try to hide that he feels this bond between us as intensely as I do, that give me hope.
It’s not healthy to indulge in it, but I do anyway.
I use the excuse of being tired and feeling weird to reach for his face and run my hands over his cheeks. To tilt his mouth closer to mine.
Our lips skim together for a moment before he pulls back and presses his lips to my forehead instead. “You need to sleep.”
I pout and grip his arm tight. “Stay.”
“Roo, I’m not the one going anywhere.”