Chapter 21
Tanner
Ikeep my word and stay right by Roo’s side. He twitches in his sleep, and every little movement has me on high alert. I’ve gone through this with him too many times to count, so I’m prepared. I know it will be okay, but even that knowledge doesn’t help when he gets like this.
I hate not being able to help him. I hate not being able to take it from him. And I fucking hate that when he leaves again, I won’t be there to give him the small amount of comfort I can manage.
Trying to zone out and watch the movie is nearly impossible. I’m not built for lazy days or inactivity or feeling useless. All I can do is remind myself that Roo needs me, and that should be enough.
While he sleeps, I watch his parted pink lips, the flutters of his eyelids, the way his nose wrinkles so sweetly, it makes me want to pepper it with kisses.
I smooth back his hair and remember the days at school when he wouldn’t feel so good and we’d sit in the nurse’s office during lunch, playing cards and distracting each other from the inevitable seizure.
Even when they were coming every other day, he refused to let his parents homeschool him. He refused to let the bullying get him down or the assholes break him. I wouldn’t be half the person I am today if I hadn’t learned how to be strong from him first.
My ringtone starts blaring in the quiet room, and I hurry to silence my phone before it wakes Roo. His whole face screws up as he rolls away from me, and I hurry to jump out of bed and leave the room before answering.
“Tanner, you there?”
Piper’s voice comes from the speaker as I make it to the living room. “Hey, what’s up?”
“You okay? You sound quiet.”
“Just trying not to wake Roo. He isn’t feeling well.”
“Oh.” There’s a weird pause. “Poor dear. Do you need anything?”
“Nah, it’s okay. I’ll cook something he can eat later, but right now he needs sleep.” I puff out a breath. “These days aren’t easy on him, so I want to make sure I’m still there with him when he wakes up.”
“Oh … you’re sitting with him?”
“Of course.”
“In his room?”
“In mine. His bed hasn’t come yet.”
“So where’s he been—wait, you guys have been sharing a bed this whole time?”
I barely hold back from rolling my eyes at her clear shock. Here we go again. How dare two men be close? “Yes, we have. Now I’ve really gotta—”
“Tanner?”
“Yes?”
She laughs. “It’s never going to happen with us, is it?”
I don’t know how to answer. It’s so on the spot, and my head is kinda checked out. How many times do I have to tell her I’m too busy for a relationship right now?
“It’s okay,” she hurries to add. “I mean, it sucks, obviously. But you’re never going to look at anyone the way you look at Royce.”
“What are you—”
“You really love him, don’t you?”
“Yeah, he’s my best friend.”
“No, I mean in love with him. You’ve never looked twice at anyone else, even when he was gone, and now he’s back, I haven’t seen you. I don’t know why you’re so determined to ignore it, but Jesus, Tanner, don’t you think it’s time you stopped messing with his head?”
“I don’t know what you think you know, but I’ve never messed with Roo’s head.”
“He’s been in love with you since high school. Everyone knows that. Even you must on some level.” She lets out a long sigh. “Sorry, look, it’s not my place. I … I’ll bring over some soup for him so you don’t have to worry about cooking.”
I nod even though she can’t see it. “I’d really appreciate that.”
“I know you would.”
“And, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.” She pauses. “You’ve always been honest with me. Don’t you think it’s time you did the same for yourself?”
We hang up, and I stare at the phone for a long time. I know Piper means well, but she’s yet another name to add to the list of people who think I’m an idiot. If I was in love with Roo, I’d know it.
I don’t understand why people keep pushing just because we’re close.
And, okay, we’ve made each other come the last few days, but no one knows about that.
And they never will when they already lose their minds over us hugging or sharing a bed.
I remind myself that Piper’s opinion doesn’t matter here. Roo and I have always done what we’ve wanted, and we know the truth. We’re friends. Just friends.
Shit, I’ve taken way too long out here. The thought of Roo having a seizure without me there shoots panic to my gut. But when I get back to my room, he’s still sleeping peacefully. I climb back into my side and pull him close.
My lips find his scar, and I give him a reassuring kiss, like he’s the one who’s been attacked and questioned and made to feel like an idiot.
The movie doesn’t hold my interest, and I start drifting off as well. Just as I’ve closed my eyes and started to relax, Roo gives a jolt.
I shoot up, on high alert, waiting, watching, sure that was different to all the times before it.
I’m right.
Roo lets out a groan, and then it starts.
His limbs jerk about, and I immediately go into action.
I shove the side table away and yank the blankets down before he can get tangled, then grab my phone and set the timer.
My heart is thumping in my ears, and no matter how many times I see him like this, it will never be okay.
I feel sick, helpless, and irrationally afraid that this time something will go wrong.
His jaw is tense, eyes half opened and rolled back, but I keep my distance. The rhythmic, aggressive movements start to ease. I check the timer.
It’s been a minute. It feels so much longer. That’s why I never trust myself to estimate.
“Roo?”
Nothing.
His eyes are open but all unfocused as he stares blankly around the room. The disorientation always hits him hard, so I pull him close and hold him tight, trying to give him the comfort he’s always needed from me in the past.
I know he’s strong, and I know he doesn’t actually need me, but I need this. Because his seizures get me every time. And I will never admit that to him. The fact that he even lets me see him this way shows how much trust he has in me. And I’ll keep doing whatever I need to in order to keep it.
He moans, slurring together words that don’t make sense, and I hurry to help him sit up. It takes him a moment, but I see the awareness start to dawn on his face.
“How’s your tongue?”
“Fine.” He slumps back against his pillow. “Everything’s fine.” His voice is thick and muddled, and every protective instinct in me is getting loud. I give him the time he needs to catch his breath and gather his senses, and I subtly check the bed where he was lying to see if it’s wet.
All clear. I guess he wasn’t lying about that not being a problem anymore.
Roo holds a weak hand out to me, so I scoot in close and pull him into my arms again.
His weight drops against me, and I take a moment to breathe in his peach shampoo and the faint smell of sweat.
To feel his warmth and his solid frame in my arms. He shifts until his ear is over my heart, and I wonder if he can hear the way it kicks up every time he does that.
The way warmth rushes to my head, and nerves brush my gut, and I’m itching to kiss, kiss, kiss every part of him I can reach.
I run my thumb over his freckled knuckles.
“I really wish there was something I could do. To protect you.”
“I know you do.” His voice is all scratchy. “But I don’t need you to. I just need you here for me when I’m done.”
I press a kiss to the top of his head. “We make each other better.”
“I hope that never changes.”
“It won’t. I’m confident.”
He pulls back, and even though he’s already slept for hours, he looks weary. “Because you love me … right?”
“Exactly.”
He smiles, but I swear there’s disappointment there. I need to take it away. Leaning forward, I kiss a trail from his temple to his lips, giving him plenty of opportunity to pull away.
A loud knock comes from the front door. Roo stiffens, but I squeeze his hip in reassurance, even as I hold back a groan at the interruption.
“It’s only Piper. I’ll be right back.”
He looks at me in disbelief, and I’ll bet he’s confused that I know that, but he was sleeping when she called.
I hurry to the door to let her in, wanting to get right back to Roo and where we left off. I know he’s too drained for any sex stuff tonight, but I wouldn’t mind holding him and kissing him and showing him that I care.
“Hey.” I step aside automatically, and Piper hurries across the living area and into the kitchen to off-load the large pot. “Damn, how much did you make?”
“I didn’t know how long he’d be sick for, and whatever is left over, you can freeze for work.” Her gaze drops to my bare chest, and she hurries to look away. “It’s pumpkin. I would have done chicken noodle, but I didn’t know if solid food was great for people who … you know.”
“Have seizures? It’s okay to say. And this is great. Thank you. For the record, it’s not so much about him choking—or drowning in this case—but sometimes he gets so exhausted, he doesn’t have the energy to eat, so things like this work better.”
She forces a smile. “Right, well. I’ll pop this in the fridge and get going.”
“I’m really, really grateful.”
“I know, sweetie. Don’t worry about it.”
“And I’m sorry about—”
“No. Let’s not do that again. I’m not so pitiful that I can’t recognize when no means no. It’s fine. I mean, there are plenty of other men in this town.” She widens her eyes, and I laugh.
“Who knows? Maybe some hot, wealthy dude will drop by the burger house and sweep you off your feet.”
“I don’t need a man to do the sweeping. I just wish I wasn’t so lonely.” She steps forward and squeezes my forearm. “You’re really lucky, you know. You both are. We’re all out here trying to find our soulmates, and you two found yours while you were teenagers.”
I stiffen and take a step back. “Thank you for the soup.”
“Okay, Tanner.” She looks at me like she thinks I’m an idiot. And yeah, I am, but she could be more subtle about it. “But do one thing. I don’t want an answer, but you need to give yourself one. Will you survive him leaving again?”
No. I don’t need time to think it through. Plain and simple, if he leaves, I know he’s never coming back, and never seeing Roo again would kill me.
But I still don’t know what she wants me to do about it.
I can’t make Roo stay. I can’t guilt him into moving here permanently just because I need him to.
I have to trust he’ll make the right choice.
I’m so fucking scared he won’t.