Chapter 22
Roo
I’m not sure what to make of Piper just “stopping by.” I listen to them in the kitchen, talking and laughing, too tired to get up and go out there too.
Tanner had been about to kiss me again, and I know he wasn’t looking for it to lead to sex since he knows me well enough to know how out of it I am right now.
I needed it too. That connection. To feel the love and security I always have when he’s around, and the fact that it was interrupted makes me antsy.
The front door closes, and Tanner returns carrying a bowl of soup that smells so good, my stomach clenches painfully.
His full lips curve up. “Hungry?”
“Definitely.” My energy has been completely sapped.
“Want me to feed you again?”
“I think I can manage.”
He hands me the bowl and a spoon, and damn, it tastes as good as it smells. “When did you make this?”
“I didn’t.”
Oh. I’m tempted to set the food on the nightstand, but I’m so fucking hungry, I can’t bring myself to be that childish. “Piper?”
“Yeah, she heard you weren’t well and wanted to bring this by so I could stay and look after you.”
I give him a dry look. “So kind of her.”
“It was nice.”
I want to roll my eyes. Is he really missing the fact that this food delivery had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him?
“Taste good?”
I shrug. “It’s fine.” And okay, maybe I’m not above being childish, because it actually tastes really damn good. Which isn’t fair, because of course she can cook and I can’t.
“So, umm—” Tanner’s ringtone starts vibrating, making us both jump. He hurries to snap it up from the opposite side of the bed and glances at the display. “Shit, I’ve gotta take this.”
I’m not sure who’s on the other end, but Tanner’s warm expression tightens. “Yeah, I’ll be right in.”
Shit. “I thought you were off tonight.”
“At the bar, yes. But there’s a big fire on the edge of town, and they need everyone to help out immediately. I …” His face drops. “I’m sorry. I really have to go.”
“I know.” I squeeze his hand. “I’ll be fine. I’m starting to feel better already.”
“You sure?”
“Yes. Now pretty sure in an emergency you’re supposed to hurry.”
“Fuck. Right. Yes.”
He gets up and quickly changes, while I watch his every move. His pants hit the ground, and I admire the way his bare, muscled ass flexes as he pulls on fresh underwear and his work pants. Tanner turns as he buttons the front and catches me drooling.
“Ah, looks like you’re feeling better.”
I manage a weak smile. “I think I’d admire your body even if I was dead.”
He moves back close to the bed, frown marring his forehead. “I don’t like when you joke about that.”
“It’s called dark humor.”
“And I don’t like it.”
“Aw, would you miss me?”
“We both know the answer to that.” He leans down, and I finally get the kiss I’ve been craving.
It’s sure and demanding, and he holds the back of my head steady.
Probably a good thing as I’m ready to pass out with how good he makes me feel.
His tongue licks into my mouth one more time before he pulls back.
“Sorry,” he says as he stands, chest working overtime.
“For?”
“I guess that was against your rules.”
My … Right. Yes. Those rules that I need to start paying attention to if I’m going to remember what this is. “It’s been a stressful day. I think we both needed that.”
His smile is free and uninhibited. “We did.”
This would be a perfect time to breach that conversation about why, why does he need it? You know, if there wasn’t a massive fire he needs to get to.
“Be safe,” I say, playing it off like I’m not concerned. “I also sort of hate the thought of you dying.”
“Twinning.” He laughs as he pulls a shirt on, and I try not to pout at the loss of view. His face turns serious. “You sure you’re okay?”
“Yes, now go.”
He drops another quick kiss on my head and leaves. It’s so normal, so boyfriendly.
Nope. Not letting myself go there.
I lie in bed for a while, but feel sick at the thought of Tanner out there.
Theoretically, I know this is what he does, what he’s done for years, but try telling my stupid heart that.
I’ve finally pushed the boundaries of our friendship like I’ve wanted to for years, so of course I’m convinced it’s all going to be taken away.
Even though I’m still drained, there’s no way I’ll be able to get back to sleep, so I pull out my phone and text Circus. He messages straight back to say he’ll pick me up on his way to Ugly’s.
I don’t want to go out, but I want to sit here thinking about Tanner even less, so I haul ass out of bed and shower.
It helps toward making me feel fractionally more human, but my mood is still in the gutter.
Maybe I should have suggested Circus hang out here for a bit, but I need the distraction, and I need Tanner to call before I leave to tell me the fire is out and everything’s okay.
Circus shows up as I’ve finished dressing, and I follow him out to his car. He’s always been someone who seems way too big for boring Sunbury, and considering he’s one of my oldest friends, I know suspiciously little about him.
He lives out at the start of Crown Trails, but from what I can tell, no one has been to his place.
“Why do you look like shit?” he asks as we climb into his car. His deep voice has a rasp to it from something that happened to him as a kid, but he’s never told me about it.
“Seized out today.”
“Shit. You wanna stay in?”
“Sort of, but also no. I need to be distracted.”
“If you say so.” He starts the engine and pulls out of the small parking lot, while I tilt the sunshield down and check my reflection. I spend a minute or two making sure my hair is in place.
“Worried about your scar?”
I sigh. “Not worried. Just don’t have the energy to deal with people staring or asking questions tonight.”
“Do you ever?” Circus shoots me a perceptive look before turning back to the road.
“I hate that people think they have the right to talk about it, especially here, where people judged me for years.”
“Wouldn’t that make you more determined to set facts straight?”
“Nope.” I look out the window. “It makes me more determined to ignore them.”
Circus hums as he pulls up in the parking lot down from Ugly’s and switches off the ignition. “Is that why you don’t wear your bracelet anymore?”
I narrow my eyes at him. “Not you too.”
“Only saying, it’s all kinds of stupid, man.”
“That’s exactly what I need to hear when I’m already tired and pissed off.”
He drags his fingers back through his longish hair. “If you want to be told what you want to hear, go hang out with Jules.”
“I feel like everyone but you is more Tanner’s friend than mine.”
“That’s because you don’t try with them. You’re still holding off, like you’re going to up and disappear again.”
“I’m not sure I won’t.”
“You do what you have to. But stop changing the subject. Why aren’t you wearing your bracelet?”
“It’s a pain in the ass.”
“Ah, you’ve got that in common, then.” He pauses. “You know people get tattoos these days.”
“Random,” I mutter. “Pretty sure tattoos aren’t a new thing.”
“Not tattoos in general, obviously. People get the same shit from your bracelet tattooed on them. That way it’s always there. You don’t need to worry about forgetting or damaging it.”
I pin him with a look. “That’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard. And it’s a giant hell no.”
“Whatever, man. Your reasons are pretty much the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard. People care about you; that’s the only reason anyone brings it up.”
“It’ll get too much attention.”
Which is literally the opposite of what I’ve ever wanted. All I’ve had in my life is negative attention, and I’d be more than happy to get through the rest of my life as a complete unknown.
“They’re more subtle than the bracelets. But fuck this conversation. Let’s go have a drink and see if I can pick someone up.”
I snort. He’s so transparent. He thinks if I’m not given a chance to answer now, the idea will grow on me. Circus must forget exactly how stubborn I am. “What makes you think I don’t want to hook up too?”
He shoots me a cut-the-shit look.
“What … Tanner?”
He smirks. “Actually I was thinking of your seizure. Interesting your thoughts should go there instead.”
I manage not to roll my eyes so hard I see brain because Circus has always been like this.
Even when we were all in high school, he refused to listen when we told him we weren’t together.
We reach the bar, and I follow him inside.
It’s interesting seeing him interact with so many people.
He used to hate everyone in high school and still chooses to live on the outskirts of town, yet here he is, saying hello and asking about people’s pet roosters, for fuck’s sake.
“You done working the campaign trail?”
He laughs. “Sorry, I forgot for a minute I’m with Royce Don’t-talk-to-me Williams.”
I flip him the bird, then grab us drinks and join him at a table by the booths along the back.
“You still feeling okay?” he asks.
“I will be if you stop asking me.”
“Fine. Then let’s turn to my favorite subject: what’s new with you and Tanner?”
This time I do roll my eyes. “You ever going to let that drop?”
“Literally never. And when you two are old and married, I’m going to be there saying I told you guys so.”
I try to ignore him, but damn that’s a good image. Me and Tanner. Old and together.
Circus laughs. “You’ve got your dopey, lovesick look on again. Are you ever going to tell him?”
“I … have to.”
“Agreed.”
I bite my lip, not sure how much I can say. I really need to talk this out with someone, but I’m also concerned that outing Tanner while he’s trying to figure things out is a shitty thing to do. The words are gnawing at me, though.
“Do you ever think experimenting can lead to something more?”
“No. Never.” It surprises me how adamant he sounds. “Experimenting is nothing but straight dudes wanting their dicks sucked, and I’m so done with that bullshit. Queer dudes don’t exist for people to use to work things out. Don’t ever suggest it, Royce.”
I screw up my face, and Circus groans.
“You already did, didn’t you?”
“No!”
“Royce! Are you an idiot?”
“Fuck off.”
“Wait … Does that mean you guys have really never done anything before? Ever?”
“I don’t know how many times we need to say the words just friends until you listen.”
“Wow.” Circus runs his long fingers back through his shaggy hair as he stares at me. “Suddenly, you suggesting experimenting isn’t the dumbest thing I’ve heard all day.”
“Well, thanks.”
He honest to God growls. “I’m going to say this real clear: You. And Tanner. Are in love. It’s really simple—all you have to do is say it, admit it, and then you can focus on being happy instead of all this insane pining bullshit you’ve apparently been doing for years.”
“You’re going to keep your mouth absolutely sealed about the next thing I say …” Circus mimes locking his lips. “If Tanner doesn’t feel more than friends after kissing me, there’s not much I can do.”
Circus looks stunned. “All right, I’ll keep that to myself.” He shakes his head. “You’re going to flip your shit when I say this, but put your anger on pause and listen.”
I narrow my eyes.
“I love Tanner, but that dude is oblivious as fuck. He doesn’t know what’s going on half the time, even when it comes to his own feelings.
He ‘dated’ women while you were gone, but none of them hung around longer than a few dates because all he’d talk about was you.
It was always, ‘Has anyone heard from Roo?’ or ‘We’re talking again’ or ‘We’re not talking again.
’ He’s obsessed. You two are all people around this place are talking about.
Everyone—and I mean everyone—thinks you’re already together.
The shit I’ve heard …” He shakes his head and tries to put on a high-pitched voice, but his rasp keeps breaking it.
“It’s so sad Royce had to leave him for so long.
It took five years of getting better, but Royce came straight back to him.
It’s so nice to see Tanner smile again.”
I scrunch up my face. “Please tell me you’re exaggerating.”
“Can you blame people? You two are always together. Even when we were here last time, the first thing Tanner did when he walked in was claim you.”
“He didn’t—”
“You didn’t see the look he gave me.” Circus starts to laugh. “I’m sorry to say, but this is all on you. Tanner won’t understand what’s happening until you say it.”
Circus is right—I do hate that he’s talking this way about Tanner. That somehow Tanner is too slow to know what’s going on in his own head. And yet … I keep running over the kiss he gave me before he left; the sweet moments we’ve had together since I got back, that had nothing to do with sex.
I’m an idiot for letting myself think this could be something, but I can’t stop.
“Tell me something,” Circus says. “When you two were talking about the couch and his bed as the only possible options for where you could sleep, did you at any point think of getting an air mattress or something?”
“Yes, actually. I asked in the shop.”
“And?”
“They didn’t have one.”
Circus laughs. “Think of asking around? Because I know for a fact that both Jules and I have one. And I know for a fact that you didn’t ask either of us. Plus, I have five bedrooms. You could have either stayed with me for a few weeks, or borrowed a whole bed.”
I shift awkwardly. “His bed is just easier.”
“And neither of you even considered an alternative, did you?”
I glower at him.
He smiles wider.
“Look, I’m going to tell him, that’s the whole reason I came back here. But you don’t understand how hard it is.”
Understanding dawns on Circus’s face. “You’re actually worried he’s going to reject you.”
“I’m in heaven whenever he touches me.” I pause. “All I want is to be selfish for a while. Those five years apart were painful and if Tanner says he doesn’t want anything serious with me, I’m gone.”
“You’d be leaving for good.”
“Yeah. Like hell I’d stay in this shithole and watch him move on with someone else.” I rub my short beard. “I’m still working out where I’ll go though.”
“Back home to Australia?”
Australia isn’t home. Tanner is. There’s no way to explain that without sounding disgustingly melodramatic, and I think I’ve covered that enough for one night.
“Haven’t decided yet. But when I have a plan, I’ll tell him. I need to.”