Chapter 24
Roo
Tanner is being weird. He seems … Quieter? Calmer? I don’t know, but he’s not himself. We put my bed together in way too short a time, and after he helps me make it, I just stand there staring at it like it pissed in my breakfast.
I glare at Tanner when he mentions for the hundredth time how relieved I must be about finally having my own bed.
I’m being a dramatic shithead, and I don’t even care. The grumpier I get, the more Tanner seems to smile. I guess he’s happy he’ll finally have his own space back, but he doesn’t have to rub it in.
I can’t even suggest washing the sheets today, as an excuse to spend one more night with him, because neat freak Tanner already made me do that two days ago.
I hate him and his organization and his enthusiasm.
“All right, Roo Roo, all set.”
“Can’t wait,” I deadpan.
“Let’s try it out.” Before I can react, Tanner grabs me and tackles me into the mattress. He bounces a couple of times. “Seems sturdy.”
Pinned beneath him, something else is getting sturdy. But there’s no way I can hook up with him, then sleep in separate beds. That will hurt too much.
“Sturdy is my one requirement.” I squirm out from under his weight. “What are your plans for the rest of the day? You have a shed to help clear out at some point—did I hear that right?”
“Clearly not, because we have a shed to clear out. And not today. I feel like I’ve barely seen you all week.” He stretches out on his side and props his head on his hand.
“I know. I came back to spend time with you, but you’re in hot demand.”
“We can definitely spend tonight together.” He reaches out and runs his thumb over my lip.
I want, more than anything, to spend the night fucking, but then when it ends …
This is getting hard. Not unlike my dick.
But the longer things go on, the more I feel like I’m tricking him into this. Which means I really need to get my shit together and tell him how I feel.
It’s why I came back. I hadn’t planned to leave it so long, and it feels like the more days that pass—and the more cum we share—the harder it gets.
“I noticed Annie Oldeman prying,” Tanner says.
“Doesn’t everyone in this town?”
He smiles. “She cares. You should know by now that people like to know everything that’s going on.”
“Well, maybe they should have cared when I was lying in hospital. Or recovering. Or, hell, even before I left when I was seizing out every other day. Their compassion would have gone a long way then.”
Tanner gives me a little shove. “Someone’s touchy.”
“I just hate getting into it.”
“So don’t.”
“You really think that’s going to be possible living here?”
“You know I’ve always got your back. That’s why I’m always bugging you.” He runs his finger over my wrist.
“True …” I bite my lip, thinking of what Circus suggested. I don’t see how a tattoo would solve the constant questions, though. When they come, I’m always left feeling blindsided and as though I’m nothing more to people than a sideshow attraction.
Except to Tanner. He’s never made me feel that way.
Never, in all my episodes at school, or when I woke him in the middle of the night, did he look at me as anything other than me. All he cared about was that I was okay.
I clear my throat. “You know, Circus had an idea.”
Tanner tenses beside me. “Oh yeah? What about?”
“Well, I fucking hate my bracelet. Like, more than I ever told anyone. It was a constant reminder that I was separate from everyone else. But … there might be another way. Apparently people get, umm, tattoos.”
A line creases Tanner’s forehead as he thinks. “I hate to say it, but he could be onto something there.”
“Really?” I lean in, both wanting and not wanting him to confirm it. Because if Tanner thinks it’s a good idea, I might actually start to consider it.
Tanner shakes his head. “Are you keen?”
“No.”
“Are you going to think about it anyway?”
I roll my eyes. “Of course I will.”
“Good. You know … tattoos are kinda hot.” He winks, and I snort back a laugh.
His ability to spin a heavy conversation light again is one of the many reasons I fell in love with him.
“It seems like one more thing to mark me as different. I hate my freckles, and my scar is faded, but it’s all I fucking think about. It’s nasty.”
“Roo, there is nothing about you that’s nasty. I … I wanna see it.”
“It’s bad enough that you touch it.” I shudder, feeling distinctly uncomfortable. It’s one of those things that makes me vulnerable. My motto is usually fuck it when it comes to just about anything, but for some reason, that stupid scar has always had the ability to get me down.
“It’s part of you. If it wasn’t for that scar, you literally wouldn’t be who you are right now. It gave you your life back. So where you see something twisted and ugly, all I see is hope.”
I shove his chest as that same hope tickles my gut. “You’re a real sweet talker.”
His adorable confusion is back. “I’m serious.” Tanner wraps an arm around my waist and drags me closer so he can press kisses to my hair, right over the scar.
“Okay, okay.” I shuffle back again as quickly as I can.
Tanner’s expression hardens, and he sits up. “I thought maybe I was being dumb and imagining things, but I’m not, am I?”
“Huh?”
“Since we started hooking up, something’s changed.” When he turns back to me, the hurt in his expression stabs me right in the heart. “Do I make you uncomfortable? Am I forcing things too much?”
“Are you kidding?” I almost laugh. “Why the hell do you think that?”
“Every time I touch you, just normal stuff like I always have, you get all weird and try to get away from me.”
“Tanner, that’s—”
“Is there someone else?”
My eyes shoot wide, and holy hell, are we really having this conversation? “What are you talking about?”
“If I’m holding you back from hooking up with other people or dating … someone. I don’t know, Roo, but if you need this to end, you’ve gotta tell me.”
I can’t help it, the laugh finally breaks free. I flop onto my back as I take in the complete role reversal that’s apparently happening. Never, ever would I have guessed that Tanner would be asking me if I want to end things.
“Roo?”
And suddenly, the hurt in his voice sends a bolt of anger through me.
One week. It’s been one week since he worked out that maybe he’s not straight, that maybe he likes hooking up with me.
Is he really going to sit there and act hurt over losing something he’s wanted for a week, when I’ve been in love with him for a decade?
I sit up sharply, and he jerks back a little.
“Are you fucking kidding me?”
His mouth gapes. “What?”
“If I want to end things? If I want to date people? News flash, Tanner, I’ve wanted to date people for years, and you’ve been in my way the whole time. This isn’t a new thing.”
“What are you talking about?” He turns up cautiously so he’s facing me, and like that, I know I’m going to do it.
Because no matter what I told Circus, I can’t hold it in anymore. The pain and worry in his expression are a physical weight on my chest, and it occurs to me this could be the last moment we’re together. I doubt Tanner would ever walk away from me …
But I would.
Because seeing him move on and find someone else would kill me.
Before my dumb eyes can start leaking, I look down at my hands. They’re shaking in my lap.
“Tan …” I swallow. “After my operation, I decided I needed to stay gone for a while. All I wanted was to come back here the minute I was better, but after talking to my parents, I agreed to give a year of uni a try first. Then two. Then I got my degree, then I went traveling …” I take a breath.
“Each time I told myself that one more year would do it.”
“Do what?”
I finally look up, and find him blinking back tears. Because of course he is. If I’m hurting, he hurts, and vice versa. It’s always been like that with us.
“I thought I’d find someone … who could make me forget you.”
“Forget me?” His whole face scrunches up. “Why the hell did you want to do that? I’ve spent five years waiting desperately for you to come back, and you were trying to forget me?”
“Of course I was! Do you have any idea how painful high school was for me? Or the five years I was gone? For fuck’s sake, Tanner. You think you’re hurting now? You’re worried about me now?”
“Roo …”
He reaches for me, but I slap his hand away. “You asked if I’m uncomfortable hooking up with you, and the answer is yes. I feel like shit. Because no matter how much I tell myself it’s only you experimenting and I need to keep my distance, I keep forgetting.”
“But that’s—”
“I keep wanting to forget. Because I love you. I’m in love with you. And I have been since we first met.”