Chapter 19
Rafe
Of course Cam pushes us to talk in the morning, so I give him the CliffsNotes version of what was going on in my head last night. All the kissing stuff was great, and I think I want to do it again, but I’m still mixed up about the rest.
What I’ll never admit out loud is that it was more than that. He made me feel safe and wanted. To be able to explore what’s going on between us without pressure, without any outside influences, is helping me work out more about who I am.
When it comes to sex, it’s clear I don’t need it. At all. Even when Cam and I are kissing, I don’t feel that urge to take things further. But something about what he said, about sex being another way to show how you feel, piqued my curiosity.
With all expectations removed, something clicked in my brain. Whether I’m jerking off or using Cam’s body to get myself off, it doesn’t matter to me. What matters is that I’m with Cam. That it’s my choice.
And when we’re together and he’s showing me how he feels, it’s easy to want to show him how I feel.
Knowing that I can enjoy sex, even if I don’t need it, frees that side of me that was coiled tight and feeling defective.
It also has me curious to figure out what else I can enjoy with him.
Before I can figure it out, I owe Campbell something—the truth.
He’s right that he can’t be the other guy, and my growing feelings for him are making it clear he can’t be my secret either. It leaves a dirty taste in my mouth to think of him feeling like anything other than the man who’s giving me everything.
Answers, freedom, unconditional affection.
All I need to give him is something I should have developed a long time ago.
My backbone.
I let Cam know I’ll be home later than normal, and after work on Wednesday, I swing by Jules’s place to visit Laura.
She’s smiling when she answers the door, and it hits me that it’s been … well, a long time since she was actually happy to see me.
“How are you?” I ask as I follow her inside, genuinely wanting to know. I cross my fingers she’s not upset or regretting things, because it’ll hurt and make it harder, but the fact I know I’m determined anyway proves this is what I want.
“I’m doing …” She pauses like she’s not sure what to say.
“Honestly,” I prompt.
“Okay … I’m good. A bit lost and confused, but mostly it’s like relief. Is that bad?” She tucks her short hair back behind her ear, and I catch sight of the familiar paint stains on her nails.
“No, not bad. I know what you mean. I still care about you, but I think it’s because we’ve known each other a long time, and I think you’re great. But I’m relieved too.”
“Oh thank God.” A breath rushes out of her. “I almost thought you were here to get back together, and I was freaking out a bit. I had no idea how I was going to say no, I just knew that I had to.”
“We’re on the same page with that.” I gnaw my bottom lip. “Why did you do it though? Constantly take me back?”
She shrugs. “When you’re young, you don’t know any different, and I mean, you always seemed so lost. Broken. I care about you, and we’d get back together and everything would be great … until it wasn’t again.”
“I’m really sorry. Really.”
Her smile returns, and she busies herself making us coffees before she settles across the kitchen island from me. “You know what’s next, right?”
“Yep.” Even though I’m ready, I’m still nervous and sort of dreading it. “We make it official by telling people.”
“This can’t be like the other times. Where you tell Leon or Tanner and then get cold feet and take it all back.”
I quickly shake my head. “It won’t be.”
“Hmm. Not that I’m not happy to hear it, but what makes you so sure this time?”
Cam’s face flashes through my memories, but I push it back. I can’t do this for him; it needs to be for me. Because if I can follow through, it gives me a chance to steer my own life.
I want explosions. A thousand volts.
Cam gives me that and more.
I want to be free to choose him.
“We’re at the point where life is going to go one of two ways. We fold to the pressure and start a life together that neither of us wants, or we work to make things right for the both of us.” I drop my voice to a whisper. “I want us to have the chance to be happy.”
“Me too.”
It’s not lost on me that this is the first conversation we’ve had in a long time where neither of us has been frustrated or upset. Where we’ve actually been able to communicate.
“Are you free Sunday?” I ask.
“Yeah, why?”
“Sunday drinks. It’s been months since we’ve been, and I figure the best people to tell first are our friends.”
“You’re ready to see them again?”
“Yeah.” Tanner isn’t the only person I owe an apology to. “I need to eat my words and go crawling back. Hopefully they’ll be okay. Tanner and Leon both think they will be. Maybe if I explain, they’ll understand.”
“Explain what?”
Okay … I wasn’t planning on going into anything with Laura beyond what we’ve already talked about, but she’s always been a good friend. “Do you know what asexual is?”
“Sort of.” She frowns. “People who don’t like sex, right?”
“For some. Sometimes ace people like sex, sometimes they don’t. All I know is the pressure I felt when we were together isn’t what people normally feel in a relationship, and now I have answers.”
“You’re ace?”
“Yep.”
“Huh.” She sits there for a moment and lets that sink in. “I should have guessed.”
“Is that your way of saying I’m shit in bed?”
“What, I—”
My laugh cuts her off. “Joking. Don’t answer that. And why would you have guessed? I didn’t.”
“True … So, are you going to tell the others that part?”
“Probably not. I’m not embarrassed about it or anything, but that’s not the reason I was an asshole. It was more the outside pressure from everyone.”
“I know what you mean.”
“So … are we okay?
“Yeah.” She takes a sip of her coffee. “Okay. Wow. We’re doing this.”
I hold up my hand for a high five.
“You high-five now?” She eyes it for a moment before half-heartedly meeting it. “We’ve got this.”
Cam and I stay at each other’s places all week, but we don’t have sex again.
He doesn’t push, and even when that little voice starts to nudge that I should offer, I force it down again.
The other night happened because I followed the mood and got wrapped up in how Cam made me feel.
Now I know how good it can be, I won’t go back to it being an obligation.
When I mention to Cam that I’m picking up Laura on Sunday, I don’t miss the way he drags his hand back through his hair like he’s not sure what to say.
It’s sort of adorable to see him so unsure, considering how confident he is, but I also don’t want to be the one who makes him feel that way.
“It’s so we can tell people. For real.” I press him against his hallway wall and reassure him with a lingering kiss. “I’m serious about this.”
“I’m not pressuring you into it, am I?”
“Nope. This is long overdue.”
I can tell when I leave that he’s still not totally convinced, but that’s okay. Given my history, I probably wouldn’t believe me either.
It’ll take time, and I’m prepared to spend it convincing him.
Laura and I show up to the Ugly Mug later than normal because I want to be sure everyone is there before us—it reduces the chance of them seeing me and leaving.
I might not have completely thought it through though, because seeing them all stare at us as we approach makes me want to walk back out.
Then Tanner smiles.
It instantly calms my nerves and keeps me moving in their direction.
“Fucking finally!” Leon stands from where he’s sitting and pulls both me and Laura into a hug, one of us under each arm. He squeezes tight for long enough that I’m able to get back some of my confidence before he lets go again. “We’ve been wondering when you’d show your face around here again.”
“Yeah, about that …”
“We don’t need to hear it.” Circus links his hands behind his head. “Seriously. You messed up, you took your time, and now you’re here. It can’t have been easy to face us all like this.”
“It wasn’t, but I still should apologize.”
“Why? You already spoke with Tanner. Anyone else here need it?”
Jules quickly shakes her head, and Rowan holds up both hands. “Nothing to do with me.”
“Or me,” Auggie hurries to add. “I barely even know who you are.”
“I’m glad to have my girl back,” Dahlia says, reaching for Laura.
I reluctantly turn to Royce. “And you?”
He looks like he wants to argue the point, and then Tanner presses a kiss to his temple. They exchange a look, and seeing them like this, knowing they’ve always been this way, makes me realize how stupid I was.
He softens. “You’re okay, I guess.”
“I really am sorry.”
“Yeah, well, six months’ exile seems like an excessive punishment for a little outburst.”
“True.” I can breathe again as I drop into the free chair Leon has dragged over. “I didn’t know what to say to you guys.”
“It’s us though,” Leon says. “You know you can tell us anything.”
“I know, but it sounds sort of dumb to be like, ‘my mommy has expectations for me.’”
“Except, it’s us,” Leon says again. “We know what it’s like. We’ve been here the whole time, remember? Your mom is intense when it comes to you and Laura.”
“She is.”
Laura takes a deep breath. “Which is why it took us so long to break up.”
The news isn’t exactly Big Time considering they all know we’ve been on and off again for almost as long as we’ve been dating.
“For real this time,” I add. “We’ve already been apart for three weeks.”
“A record for us,” Laura says, nudging me.
“Exactly. We’re both committed to moving on.”
Leon blinks at me. “Oh, wow. Ah, congratulations?”
“Leon.” Auggie laughs. “Maybe the wrong response?”
“I think it’s the right one,” Laura says.
“So this is good?” Jules asks. “You’re both okay? Happy?”
None of them try to argue that we’re being idiots; they only want to know we’re fine and making the right choice, which is what finally gets me to smile.
“Yeah. This time we’re going to be.”