Chapter 23
As they drove down Burnside after dinner, Nala swore she saw malicious shadows in every corner. All right, so some of those were drug deals going down and people picking fights with other pedestrians because… well, she never knew why those things happened around Portland.
“What has got you acting so bizarre tonight?” They sat at a notoriously long light, Varen tapping the steering wheel while she waited to hit the gas again. “First, you embarrassed yourself like that at dinner, and now you’re acting like everyone we pass wants to open your door.”
To be fair, that happened to my roommate once. Or Patrick could have been hallucinating.
“I’m not acting bizarre, thanks.” Nala pulled herself away from the window and stared straight ahead.
Rain began to patter, anyway, forcing Varen to turn on her windshield wipers.
“I’m paranoid. You would be too if Maggie cornered you in the bathroom and gave you a warning. And what the fuck do you mean by embarrassing myself? Excuse you.”
“Wait, cornered you? About what?”
The light turned green, but Varen was slow to hit the pedal. The face she kept on Nala while she drove did not inspire confidence. “She said that it was easy to make an enemy out of Ravenwood.”
“Not like we didn’t know that already.”
“You do not get it. She was concerned that we were somehow going to mess up in the club and not only get kicked out… well, I don’t remember exactly what she said, but it was sketchy. I honestly do not think she and Jay are a real couple. Not any more than we are.”
“I’d be shocked if they weren’t actually married.” When Nala looked at her incredulously, Varen explained, “They act like a married couple, just not the kind that shows up to The Aviary.”
“Exactly. Maggie is totally not a submissive. She’s acting. Or lying, if I want to relate.”
“That means they have a very good reason for risking it in the club,” Varen continued.
“Ravenwood does not like femmes he can’t control. If you haven’t noticed, all of us female dominants are on the more androgynous side. Even I play it up for The Aviary. That’s why he likes looking at submissive women being ordered around and possessed by their supposed dominants so much.
It comforts him.”
“For a gal who says she really is a Domme, you don’t sound impressed.”
“Why would I be? Being a Domme isn’t about possessing and controlling. Not to that degree. Even the others at the club are playing it up. I don’t believe for a second that Lucian is that way with Robin when they’re in private.”
Wouldn’t be too sure about that. Robin was, uh, really into it.
“Okay, but what do you mean by embarrassing myself? Can we go back to that?”
Varen turned onto her street. “Do I have to explain?”
“Uh, yeah.”
She didn’t answer until she was in her enclosed parking space, setting the car alarm and listening to the rainfall a few feet away. Nala wondered if she should get out. Then she saw Varen still gripping the steering wheel and leaving her seatbelt on. Her countenance was cold.
“What were you doing, flirting with them?”
Nala stifled a gasp. The way she says it…! As if she had been serious in any way! “I wasn’t doing anything. Having some fun. Why do you care? You’re not my girlfriend.”
She went to unbuckle her seatbelt, but Varen’s hand slapped upon hers, sending chills down her spine. “You weren’t having some fun, Nala. You were trying to get a rise out of me.”
“It worked, didn’t it?”
“Why? Why were you doing that to me? Like you said, I’m not your girlfriend, so…”
“So, it doesn’t matter, right?”
“If it didn’t matter, you wouldn’t have done that. Now tell me why you did it.”
What insolence! Nala bit her lip before she could say something so testy, so hurtful that Varen would have no choice but to drive her back home and kick her to the curb. If she would bother driving her back home at all.
“Nala.”
“Why are you talking to me like I’m six?” Nala did everything in her power to not look like she was a six-year-old about to throw a giant temper tantrum. “I’m not going to tell you anything unless you start treating me like an adult.”
She knew that Varen was almost a full decade older than her, but Nala also knew that it didn’t mean much in the realm of the world.
Some people her age were mature and had a ton of life experience.
Some people Varen’s age still acted like they were ten and barely knew what life was.
I’m not saying I’m super mature. I’m saying she’s not giving me enough credit right now.
So what if Nala never went to college? So what if she had never held more than a minimum wage job and had yet to change the world in any way?
“Fine.” Varen leaned back in her seat. “Please tell me why you did that.”
That wasn’t much better, but Nala wouldn’t argue anymore. “I wanted an idea of how you really feel about me.”
“What?”
The rain continued to pound behind them, but there in the warm car all Nala could think about was curling up next to Varen and resting her eyes. I can do that inside.
“You said so yourself that you’re not any good with words. Well, it doesn’t take a genius to gather that anyway. All this back and forth you and I have been playing ever since we met… fuck, you think I can’t tell that you like me? Maybe you don’t know you’re exuding more than lusty thoughts my way,
but sometimes I get the feeling that you want more from this relationship than we currently have. But not only am I not super interested in that, but I’m also not into the idea of giving you more of myself and feeling nothing in return. I flirted with them tonight to see how you would respond.
I wanted to see if you got jealous or not.”
“That is so archaic.”
“And you’re so dumb.”
They stared each other down in the car. Although dark, Nala could see the lights of Varen’s eyes and the heave of her chest. Stop being so attractive. Nala had to remain firm. Not melt into this woman’s embrace as if it were the most natural thing in the world to do.
“Are you happy now?” Varen’s voice practically pierced Nala in the chest. “You got a rise out of me. You know how I feel.”
“No, I don’t,” Nala barely whispered. “I don’t know anything. For all I know that jealousy was you being possessive of some woman you’re sleeping with. It doesn’t mean you feel anything good for me. Not beyond your ego, anyway.”
“Nala,” Varen growled, her fingers tightening around Nala’s wrist again.
“I would not have acted like that if I didn’t feel something for you. Don’t you get it?”
Her hiss burrowed deep, tickling Nala’s mind and stimulating the rest of her body.
“The whole reason I have been distant from you is because you make me…”
Varen’s voice may have cut off, but it did not stop her grip from traveling up Nala’s arm and making short work of her sanity.
“I don’t like how you make me feel. It’s not something I’m meant to experience for a long time. Don’t you see? I’m fighting back feeling anything for you beyond common decency and concern for your safety.”
Nala sat back, shocked by her words, shocked by the grip still threatening to break her will. “Why are you fighting anything?”
“The same reason you’re fighting your feelings for me.”
“I’m not…”
“You wouldn’t have played such a trick on me if you also weren’t feeling things.”
Nala could only gape in her direction.
“You wanted me to feel jealous to feed into your ego. To make you feel better about feeling anything for me. Don’t think I’m that dumb. I know we’re both fighting back more than physical attraction right now, but neither of us wants to lose sight of the most important thing. There’s no time,
no energy to get involved more than we already have, and most of all…”
Nala waited for it.
“We don’t want to become disconnected from the people we’re trying to avenge.”
In a way, she was right. Yet at the same time, the woman couldn’t be further from the truth if she started this car and drove in the other direction.
“That’s not fair. I lost my sister, but it wasn’t romantic or sexual love. I lost someone precious to me that I will never get back, but I don’t feel guilty being with you! You’re the one projecting shame and guilt onto what’s going on between us!”
Nala didn’t wait for her to counter with a different argument.
“You’re still not over Desirée. You feel guilty every time you fuck me. You think that if you start having feelings of any kind for me, you’ll be shitting on her memory. What if I told you that it’s been three fucking years? I’m not saying ‘get over it.
’ I’m the last person who should be telling you such a thing but, holy shit, no one wants to be the rebound who gets shafted because you’re busy feeling like the biggest asshole in the universe because of a dead woman.”
Silence befell the car. Varen’s grip lightened on Nala’s wrist, until she completely backed away, considering the steering wheel in front of her. In time, she undid her seatbelt and opened the car door, stepping out and slamming the door behind her.
Nala didn’t know what to do. Go after her? Head down to the bus stop? That latter thing was probably what Varen wanted her to do. Except there was no way in fucking hell Nala was going to let her get away with skulking off like that!
She fought with the seatbelt and the car door, convinced that both were out to prevent her from getting her way, from getting to Varen the moody, grieving billionaire.
Grieve all you want, asshole. Just don’t treat me like this!
Nala finally won the battle of wills with the two-ton car, emerging in the cold night air.
She tore up the stairs after Varen and caught her as she was about to close her door in Nala’s face.
She relented, stepping away from the door and letting Nala in, who centered but did not remove her shoes. They instead clamored over the hardwood floors, chasing down Varen into the kitchen, where she pulled down a bottle of whiskey and poured a shot.
“I want one too,” Nala demanded.
Varen glared at her.
“What, suddenly worried about stuffing me with alcohol?”
They both knew that wasn’t why Varen glared at her. Nevertheless, she took down another shot glass and poured Nala a drink.