Chapter 23 #2
No cheers. No clinks. Varen downed her shot, and Nala followed. Teach me to ever open my big mouth again. She probably needed punishment, too.
Except Varen was about as interested in her right now as Nala was in her.
The woman wandered into her living room, tearing off her blazer and tossing it on a couch as she sat with a new drink.
She leaned back, sinking as far as she dared, with her head resting on top of the couch and her arm outstretched.
If Nala didn’t know any better, she would think Varen was relaxing after a stressful day at work – not trying to process what she heard in the car.
Nala approached from behind, staring at the top of Varen’s dark head and wondering if she should go. But as she lurked next to the couch, fingers treading dangerously close to her hair, Varen said, “You’re a real spitfire, Ms. Nazarov.”
She said nothing.
“You’ll probably be the reason we ultimately get killed.”
Her eyes widened, but again she said nothing.
“You’re not wrong, though. You’re right. That’s the problem.” Varen took a drink, ice clamoring against the side of her glass. “I hate that you’re right.”
Nala took two more steps. She looked down into Varen’s face, her eyes closed and posture unforgiving.
“I know I’m not Desirée. I don’t want to be her. I’m only me. You can take me or leave me, but if you take me, I expect no mind games. I don’t need or want your love, Varen, but I do need to be treated like a human being. Not saying you’ve been that bad...”
She plucked the glass from Varen’s hand and finished the drink.
Gotta cut myself off after this. Wine at dinner, and now following it with two drinks of whiskey?
“But I have a short temper for that kind of behavior. You need to decide. Will you move on? Or will you continue to hold onto her as if she’s going to come through that door at any moment?”
“I’m not stupid, Nala. I know she’s not coming through any door. She’s dead. Forgive me if it’s been difficult to deal with.”
“Of course I understand.” Nala traced one of Varen’s crowning worry lines on her forehead.
Varen sighed but did not shrug her off. “My sister died only a short while ago. It feels like yesterday, honestly. I know it wasn’t. I know it was a long time ago in the realm of the human lifespan. In olden times, we would have been forced to move on.
It’s only recently we’re allowed to take time to grieve.”
“Don’t have to remind me.”
“Nor me. My dad died when I was little. I’ve seen what too much grief does to a person. My mother… she’s not the same anymore. She wasn’t the same even before Tasha died. All that did was solidify my mother’s inability to ever move on. Her life from now on will be dependent on grief.
I don’t want to live that way. I want vengeance, but once I get it, I want to move on. It doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten Tasha, or what she meant to me. I’ll never forget her. She was a huge part of my life, and someone I thought I would have until the end.”
Varen relaxed beneath her tender touch but did not invite her to continue.
Even so, Nala let three fingers graze against soft skin, lulling them both into a welcomed sense of security.
Her hand loosened its grip on the now-empty glass, letting it tumble against the leather.
Nala fought the urge to wrap her arms around Varen’s shoulders and offer her whatever comfort she could spare.
Underneath it all, she’s still a human too.
When it came to reserved women like Varen, it was easy to forget.
“She was my soulmate.” The forlorn tone of her voice gutted Nala.
“No, you don’t understand. It was deeper than average love. I had thought I was in love before, but then I realized those women didn’t mean half of what Desirée meant to me. When you lose your soulmate, what the fuck do you do? How do you move on from that? You know what they say.
You only get one soulmate. That’s the whole point. Whatever. She always told me I was too romantic for my own good.”
Romantic? Varen was about as romantic as a fish flopping out of water.
“Would you believe me if I told you that… between her death and meeting you, I’ve only had sex with one woman?”
“Yeah, I believe you.” Nala would be shocked if it were more than two.
Varen was so sold on the idea that Desirée was her soulmate that it probably felt like cheating on her.
Nala had met a few people with that mindset over the years.
Lots of the elderly in her old neighborhood had a difficult time moving on after becoming widows and widowers.
When pressed to find new people to spend the rest of their days with, they often said it felt too wrong. Too soon.
“The woman I slept with was barely human to me. I’m not saying I treated her like an animal. I did my best to be gracious, but they must have known I wasn’t into it. It felt good. It was relieving to get the sexual tension out of my body.
Just because the heart grieves doesn’t mean the body stops working… as I unfortunately found out.”
Nala sighed, fingernail lightly scratching the skin above Varen’s right eyebrow.
“It was all wrong, though. I didn’t feel better after. I felt worse. Like I was a weak bitch who couldn’t keep my desires in check. It made me wonder terrible things, like if I would have cheated on Desirée during our marriage. I had planned to spend the rest of my life with her.”
“Come on. You can’t expect to stay celibate for the rest of your life. Do you think she would have wanted that?”
Nala had no idea what Desirée was like, other than good enough to win the eternal love of a woman like Varen.
“If you had died, wouldn’t you have wanted her to move on and find love again?”
“Of course. But...”
“And would you really be that upset if you found out she moved on a year after you died? Two years? Three years? Especially at so young of an age?”
“Of course not. It would be normal… I would be happy that she was happy.”
“Then don’t you think she would say the same thing about you?”
“That’s different.”
“How so?”
Varen opened her eyes, full of more life than Nala had seen. “That was her. This is me we’re talking about.”
Are you fucking kidding me? Nala stepped away, rounding the couch, heels catching her off balance more than once. These fucking things. But if she were going to exude the confidence she felt inside her bones, she needed to stay on her feet.
“I know this is you we’re talking about.” She faced Varen, still slouching in her seat, but eyes entirely on her. “The only Varen I know is the woman I met a month ago. That woman? Has a ton of potential to move on.”
To prove it, Nala stood before her, steeling herself for any negative reaction as she pulled down her dress zipper and shimmied out of the body-hugging ensemble.
It pooled at her feet, revealing a lacy black bra and panty set she purchased the day before.
The very same underwear Varen pulled out of the bag with a laugh.
The woman wanted me. She wanted to have sex with me right there.
She was going to flirt and make us both feel good.
Again. Nala would be damned if this woman was so up the ass of “soulmates” that she found it impossible to discover some sort of happiness three years after the death of her beloved fiancée.
It was sweet that she had loved her so much.
It was endearing that she would always be in Varen’s heart like Tasha would always be in her sister’s, but the woman needed to move on.
“Just because you enjoy fucking another woman doesn’t mean you’re dishonoring her memory. You’re human, damnit. You’ve got needs, don’t you? You can’t spend the rest of your life bitterly thinking of what happened to her.”
Nala kicked away her dress, content to stand with her body exposed in lacy lingerie.
“I know you’re mad that you’re attracted to me. I know you want to take it out on me. All that frustration ready to burst in you. You think I mind? I’m not looking for a relationship either, but if there’s someone who makes me feel alive and able to forget my problems for a while…
I’m hesitant to say no. Because I would be a total fool to pass that up.”
Nala straddled Varen’s lap, not touching her, but so close that they might as well kiss.
“Do you want me, Varen? Don’t lie.”
Varen breathed deeply through her nose, every breath careful and controlled. Too careful. This woman was about two seconds from throwing Nala on the couch. I wouldn’t say no. It was taking every ounce of reserve stored within Nala to not suggest that right now.
“Yeah,” Varen grunted, hands hovering over Nala’s waist. “I fucking want you.”
Before they could kiss, a finger appeared before Nala’s lips. She kissed Varen’s fingerprints before touching anything else.
“But I want Nala. I’ll give in to her tonight.”
Nala braced herself against the back of the couch, her breasts a mere two inches away from Varen’s mouth. “This might come as a shock to you,” she muttered, undulating her hips, “but Nala has always been here. This whole time. Like, I’m kinda her.”
Finally, Varen’s hands gripped her hips, fingers digging into Nala’s ass while her mouth slightly parted and eyes fluttered shut. “I’ll give you whatever you want, Nala.”
The kiss did not disappoint. Nala fell right into it, hips rolling in Varen’s lap, feeling them both awaken with every gentle thrust.
You silly woman. Varen could deny her all she wanted.
She could fight her attraction to Nala, only to be miserable…
and for what? A woman who hadn’t been alive in three years?
That’s noble and all, but if this were my fiancée, my first wish after my death would be for her to get some.
Perhaps Nala didn’t have the same association with sex that Varen had.
When she heard that her ex was already dating an old mutual friend of theirs, Nala didn’t care.
Maybe Varen really was a romantic at heart. A romantic who didn’t know how to let go after life punched her in the heart.
“You deserve to find happiness,” Nala mumbled on Varen’s lips, kissing her harder, harder, tongue penetrating her mouth and hands running up to her breasts. “I don’t say people deserve anything very often.”