Chapter 34
“The thing is,” Sienna said, trying to reproduce the speech she had put together in her head while in the shower, “that I can’t be trusted either right now. I’m grieving and I’m all over the place.” She took a slow sip of coffee. “Clearly, I’m drawn to you.”
Like a moth to a fucking flame. Sienna couldn’t stay away. She couldn’t even sleep in a bed that Justine wasn’t in. “And I have feelings for you. Of course I do. But…” It’s all just such a mess right now . “I don’t expect you to change for me. I don’t expect that of anyone. I’ve learned from having the father that I had that is a completely unrealistic expectation.” Sienna looked away from Justine. From her kind blue gaze and her hair that always looked so sexy when she just got out of the shower, all wet and slicked back, accentuating her high cheekbones. “But I also don’t expect myself to change. I don’t want to go into too much psychobabble about this but, probably because of my absent daddy issues, I need to come first. I certainly don’t want to feel like I’m in a contest for your attention with underprivileged kids. Because that makes me a terrible person. Maybe I am a terrible person. The point is that I don’t want to be questioning that about myself every other day just because I am with you.”
“You are not a terrible person,” Justine said. “Trust me, I’ve come across plenty of those and you are absolutely not one of them.”
“I know I’m not, but that didn’t stop me from feeling like I was after the funeral.” She rolled her eyes, mostly at herself. “I’m so over that. It’s fine. I get it. You had to be there for Ashleigh. But I can’t ignore how it made me feel when you weren’t there.” She shook her head. “And I do forgive you. Of course, I forgive you, even though I said last night that this wasn’t forgiveness. I have forgiven you, because this is who you are and that’s not something you need to be forgiven for. Both you and Rochelle warned me about this and I ignored it because I was attracted to you and then I was falling in love with you and you were always there. I had no reason to believe it was even true. Until I did.”
Sienna took a breath. Was she making this too complicated because she couldn’t think straight? She was here, for crying out loud. What was she even doing at Justine’s house if she didn’t want to be with her? Being with Justine, being in her physical presence, in her arms and in her bed, was exactly what she wanted. It was what came after that scared her to death. It was the possible future hurt she couldn’t deal with right now. Not when she was still reeling from her dad’s death. The prospect of it was simply too much.
Justine rose and walked over to Sienna. She went to stand behind her as she sat at the counter and put her fingertips against the sides of Sienna’s head. “It’s been a lot, and you might be getting a bit lost in here.” Justine gently swept her fingertips along Sienna’s temples. “I think what we have is not very rational,” Justine whispered, but her voice was clear—commanding even. “Last week, when you couldn’t sleep, your body brought you here. Your deepest self made you come here. Listen to your body instead of all of those thoughts in your head. Most of the time, our body knows best.”
Even after what Sienna had just said, confessing to her doubts about being with Justine after she’d welcomed her into her home and her bed every single day, Justine’s empathy knew no bounds. She let the back of her head fall against Justine’s chest.
“How about…” Justine massaged Sienna’s head. “We just take it day by day? What else can we do, anyway?” She slanted forward so she could meet Sienna’s gaze. “Walk away from this?”
Fuck no, Sienna thought. She wasn’t walking away from this. She was keeping Justine firmly in the center of her life. Sienna shook her head. “I get the feeling you wouldn’t let me walk away,” she joked, just to lighten the mood, then tilted her head back so she could see Justine’s expression.
“That’s not true. Do whatever you feel is right for you, but I meant what I said earlier.” There was not a hint of a smile on Justine’s face.
I’m more in love with you than ever before. The words might as well be etched into Sienna’s brain. For some reason, they had scared the living daylights out of her. Sienna tilted her head forward, away from Justine’s gaze, and took a breath. She was in love with Justine as well, but both of them having strong feelings for each other wasn’t as simple, as straightforward, as two plus two equaling four. There was so much else at play here. And Sienna’s head was still a mess.
“Okay.” Sienna nodded and pushed herself out of the chair. She turned to fully face Justine, to look her in the eye when she said, “One day at a time. Let’s do that.”
Then Justine’s phone rang—of course, it did.
Justine checked the screen. “It’s Darrel. Is it okay if I take this?” she asked, as though Sienna would say no to that or, even if she did, Justine would listen.
Sienna just nodded and watched Justine take the call. She listened to how she spoke to Darrel, her voice this peculiar blend of worry and efficiency. And Sienna realized that she hadn’t just fallen in love with the parts of Justine that were endlessly understanding, always kind, and oh-so hard to resist. She had fallen in love with the whole person, and that included her full commitment to the shelter and to the kids who stayed there. Come to think of it, it was a huge part of what drew her to Justine because it made up most of her personality. Of who she was. Sienna didn’t get to pick and choose which bits of Justine she loved. As with everyone else—with her dad, but also her mother and her sister and her friends—it was all or nothing. Besides, she had plenty of flaws herself—such as, also not unlike her dad, the unshakable need to come first in someone else’s life.
“Do you happen to feel like making someone’s day?” Justine had hung up and smiled broadly at Sienna.
“If you put it like that, it’s hard to say no.” That was the other thing about Justine. Even though the Rainbow Shelter housed kids in precarious circumstances, the place made her light up like nothing else. It gave her strength and purpose. It made her stand taller than she already was.
“A surprise visit from Sienna Bright would most certainly make Ashleigh’s day,” Justine said.
Before meeting Justine, even after having signed up to play Rochelle in Gimme Shelter , Sienna would never have considered visiting a homeless kid in hospital. The thought had simply never occurred to her. Now, on their way back from seeing Ashleigh, Sienna’s smile was just as big and persistent as Ashleigh’s had been when Sienna had walked into her room. All Sienna had to do was show her face for Ashleigh to light all the way up. And that for a kid who’d been through hell and was a psychiatric inpatient. Ashleigh didn’t have too much to smile about, yet she hadn’t been able to stop smiling at Sienna.
“Thanks for coming.” Justine put a hand on Sienna’s knee. “Ashleigh was over the moon.”
“Honestly, it was my pleasure.” Sienna pointed at her lips. “Have you seen the smile on my face?”
“You enjoy making other people happy.” Justine gave Sienna’s knee a quick squeeze. “I told you that you were the opposite of a terrible person.”
Sienna did, indeed, feel the opposite of terrible. She felt as though, just for a few hours, the blow that life had recently dealt her might be manageable. Especially if she could find more opportunities to get her head out of her own ass. Making a vulnerable teenager grin from ear to ear was a hell of an antidote against wallowing in her grief. It also made her understand Justine’s irrepressible can-do attitude about everything. It was right there in the Gimme Shelter script and now Sienna witnessed it in real-life action. Justine had saved herself by saving others. Helping others, helped Justine. And Sienna had made the mistake to hold that very thing against her.
Sienna put her hand over Justine’s. “I’m sorry for giving you such a hard time about you not being at my dad’s funeral.”
“You really don’t need to apologize.” Justine gave her a quick look. “Your father died and, well, for lack of a better word, I was your… girlfriend. My place was there, with you.”
“My girlfriend ?”
“I did say for lack of a better word.” Justine stopped at a red light. She looked sideways at Sienna and shot her one of her crooked grins.
“And that for someone who usually has no lack of words.” Sienna grinned right back.
“What does that mean?” The light turned green and Justine accelerated. “I always thought of myself as a woman of action more than words.”
“Even though you were my girlfriend .” Sienna brought her hand to the back of Justine’s neck. “I get why you couldn’t be there.” She caressed the soft skin of Justine’s neck. “I get why you do what you do. Why you put all this energy into it. It’s everything to you.”
“You’re pretty important to me too.” Justine leaned the back of her head against Sienna’s hand. “You are my ex-girlfriend, after all.”
“I don’t feel like your ex at all. Especially not after this morning.”
“That’s because you’re not.” Justine focused on the road, but the vibe in the car intensified. “You’re so much more than my ex-girlfriend. You’re very special to me.”
For now, Sienna thought, it was more than enough. The only thing she could do was wait and see where taking it day-by-day would lead them. She didn’t even know where Justine was driving them right now, let alone where they would end up together in the next few weeks. And there was no talk of being girlfriends again just yet.