Chapter 18
I fucked up.
I fucked so bad I couldn’t even bring myself to ask Aaron for advice. He told me this wouldn’t end well, and maybe I should have listened. Maybe I should have fucking listened to someone who had experience being gay instead of charging in with the first solution that came to my mind.
A part of me remembers that moment Cassian looked my way, agreeing we should talk. How did I fuck this up? In that moment, did he want to discuss the amazing blowjob he gave me the night before? He probably did, but I missed the cue.
Cass has barely left his room since yesterday, and I didn’t see him in the morning. I did make him waffles and left them in the kitchen, but it’s not the same as eating them with him. I spend my time in classes restless and annoyed that I have to attend them while my life is a trash fire.
How am I to retain information on national park walking routes when all I can think of is that I might never visit them with Cassian?
And to make matters worse, I don’t know whether he met up with Logan last night, so jealousy is eating me up from the inside.
I take my situation apart bit by bit, but every time I put it back together, it makes a different picture.
Maybe I should talk to someone after all?
No. Getting opinions from people who weren’t there to see the situation with Cassian unfold and lack the context for how it developed would only confuse me.
What I did made perfect sense to me. If Cassian disagrees, he should tell me what was on his mind, so I can understand why he got angrier at me than his lying cheatbag of a boyfriend!
Of course, my car has to malfunction on the way back from campus and I spend far too much time working out what’s wrong. I arrive home after a bit of help from a good Samaritan who knew his way around cars.
Today, the apartment is not silent, and going by Cass’s raised voice, he and Logan won’t be going for a romantic dinner at an Italian restaurant any time soon.
Logan’s brown leather jacket hangs off a hook, signifying his presence, so I tiptoe to my room.
I can’t even check if Cass ate my waffles in the morning, because the atmosphere in the apartment is dense with anger.
“I don’t owe you every single bit of information about my past,” Logan says from behind Cass’s door in a voice loud enough for me to hear him clearly.
My blood boils.
How dare he? Isn’t honesty one of the major pillars of every good relationship?
Cass gives a mean laugh. “Wow. I’m pretty sure this rule applies to stupid shit not, I don’t know, spending time in jail or being married!”
“I was never married!”
“Those photos say otherwise!”
The moment of silence that follows Cass raising his voice has fire ants crawling up my spine.
“Where did you get these? What the fuck, Cassian?”
I hate that Cass has to deal with Logan because of me, but what is the alternative? Letting him drift into a lie with this guy? All while crushing on him, or even being his side piece?
I lean against the wall to hear everything, but I intend to step in if things get out of hand. Sure, Cass is a big guy who can handle himself, but I wouldn’t let Logan touch him regardless.
“I’m giving them back to you, because I never meant to keep them,” Cass says. “But here they are, so don’t lie to my face. I’ve had enough of that lately.”
Ouch. He means me, doesn’t he?
“Well, if you’re this desperate to know, then the truth is I was never married because she left me on the wedding day, after those photos were taken. Happy?”
My brain short circuits, because it wasn’t what I expected, and Cass is silent too.
“Oh. Hm… I’m sorry,” he says in a soft voice.
But I’m still empty-headed. It didn’t occur to me that the marriage might not have happened. Didn’t grooms only see the wedding dress at the altar? Is he lying now?
A moment passes before Cassian speaks, expressing my own questions. “But those are wedding photos…”
Logan gives a raspy, bitter laugh that doesn’t sound at all like an act. It makes my blood icier with every passing minute. Have I miscalculated? What if this stunt ends up costing me my friendship with Cass? What if he chooses Logan over me?
Just thinking about it is like an earthquake about to crumble the floor under my feet.
“She wasn’t very traditional, and we decided to do the photoshoot before the wedding, so we could use the pictures in the decor. She… um… literally left me at the altar.”
Now I almost feel sorry for Logan.
What the hell?
Cass clears his throat, and I can practically see him touching Logan’s shoulder to offer comfort. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because it’s embarrassing. What man would like everyone to know that the woman he thought was the love of his life saw him at the church and ran off? That’s why I came to Springton in the first place. I wanted to be in a new place, where no one else knew what happened.”
“But… if she did that, why do you still have the photos?”
“Because I loved her, okay?” Logan shouts, and I have to restrain myself to not charge in. “Maybe you can just forget about people, but I can’t. It’s not like I look at them every day.”
Cass clears his throat. “You could have told me.”
“But I didn’t! It never felt like the time was right and since Matt moved in, you barely pay attention to me anyway! I’d bet my right arm that he’s the one who stole these photos because it’s not like you to go snooping around in other people’s stuff.”
I swallow over the lump in my throat. Guilty as charged.
A moment of silence, and then—
“I missed him,” Cassian says so in a voice so soft I can barely hear him.
“Just wanted to reconnect, but you two kept being so tense around each other that it became harder and harder. And he does live with me. You know we could have moved in together, but you were the one who said it was too soon.”
“Maybe because I didn’t want to rush into things like I did with Kayla.”
“Well, you haven’t told me that Kayla was so special you almost married her, have you?” Cass snaps back.
“I was far too young to be making that decision anyway, but we had something growing here, and then he moves in, and I feel like there’s three of us in this relationship! So yeah, I didn’t even know where I stood anymore.”
Did his voice just tremble? Oh, no… I’m feeling sorry for Logan. Again.
“You could have actually talked to me instead of pulling back.”
“I didn’t want you to get angry. I really care about you, Cass.”
I freeze, waiting for my best friend’s response, but when it comes, it brings me no satisfaction.
“You have an odd way of showing it. We always had lots of fun, but I never felt like I was in any way special to you. Maybe you settled on being with me because we actually had things other than sex in common?”
“I did not settle!”
“I was so damn enamored when we met that I’d do anything to keep you with me. That is why I agreed to this open relationship in the first place, but knowing that you keep running off to fuck other people doesn’t make me feel close to you.”
“If you didn’t want an open relationship, you should have said so!”
“And risk losing you?” Cass asks.
“Yes! Show me that I’m worth claiming. I guess I wasn’t.”
“So you proposed an open relationship, secretly hoping I’d disagree? That’s fucked up, Logan!”
“Maybe it is! Sue me! I wanted someone to fight for me for once—”
When his voice breaks again, I want to bury myself under the carpet because I shouldn’t be hearing this.
All this time, I’ve had a vision of Logan being the cool guy, the guy who doesn’t care, fucks around, and causes my Cass grief, but it looks like I had it all wrong.
At least I’m finally able to admit to myself that I am, in fact, jealous.
“This isn’t fair. You can’t put that weight on me.”
“No, it’s not fair. Neither is chasing after some masked dude you kissed on Halloween like a lovestruck teenager. You think that didn’t hurt my feelings?”
“We weren’t exclusive—”
“It’s one thing to hook up and another to dedicate so much attention to finding some rando.
That’s when I knew you pulled away from me.
” As I retreat toward my bedroom, I hear Logan taking a deep breath.
“I came back from home hoping we could mend things. But I feel that’s a lost cause now. You don’t trust me.”
I sneak into my room, trying not to breathe at all.
“It’s not like that…” Cass tries.
“You sent Matt snooping into my house! We are done. Now he can have you all to himself for whatever it is that you’d rather do with him instead of hanging out with your actual boyfriend.”
“I did not send him. He went there on his own!”
Logan lets out a bitter laugh. “Of course he did. Doesn’t matter anymore. I’m going. This was… enlightening.”
Quick steps follow. In panic, I launch myself into my closet, which would be funny and ironic if I had time to acknowledge such things. I hope Logan passes my door without noticing I’m in there. I don’t want to be punched in the face, nor be forced into an awkward conversation and forced apology.
But Logan heads straight into the living room, and as I push myself deeper between my clothes, bowing my head when it hits the rail, I hear Cass’s footsteps trail behind him.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t want things to end this way. Maybe we can talk about what happened in a few weeks.”
“Maybe,” Logan mutters, and the sound of him zipping up his jacket is the only one that follows.
Moments later, the door shuts with a sound of finality.
I got what I wanted, so why am I not happy?
Maybe because my efforts to unveil Logan’s darker side revealed that he is in fact human, not a walking, breathing handsome robot who took away my Cass?
I breathe in the scent clinging to my fresh clothes and listen on to the silence. It lasts so long I start thinking Cass has left alongside Logan, but then I hear his footsteps again and freeze when they come uncomfortably close.
He’s in my room!
“Matt?”
I stop breathing, but one can only to do that for so long. To make matters worse, I pull on one of the belts stuck behind my back and it clangs. To my ears it’s like a thousand church bells ringing all at once.
I can hope that—
No, Cass is opening the closet door and stares at me with a frown.
“I knew I heard something. What the hell are you—”
A box falls off the top shelf as I scramble to my feet. It hits Cass on the head and the contents spill all over the carpet.
I’m unable to speak, as if there was a tight collar with spikes on the inside wrapped around my neck. His shoulders hang low, his face is slack, changing only once he looks to his feet.
Now I’m not just mute. I can’t breathe either. Because my Halloween costume was in that box, and now Cassian is picking it up!
My heartbeat is speeding way past the healthy limit as I dive to the floor to stuff the spiked pauldrons back in the box, but it’s no use. He’s seen them.
“I can explain,” I utter. “And I wasn’t spying, I just came back home, and Logan was already here, and—”
“It was you,” Cassian says in a breathy voice, staring straight at me. His face is darkening by the second, and my cheek is already tingling with the slap that’s surely coming.
I rub my forehead, caught like a deer in the headlights. “It’s… complicated.”
Instead of punching me, he takes a few steps back and holds his hands up, as if he hopes he can somehow make sense of what’s going on if he only gets a moment to think.
“You helped me make the flyers. You walked with me to put up the posters. You let me go on a date with a guy who pretended to be the troll just to get in my pants.” His hands drop as he shakes his head. “What are you doing, Mattie?”
I feel like I’m about to get sick. “I… I don’t know. It was a joke, and then it got out of hand…” My eyes well up no matter how desperate I am to keep them from spilling tears.
“Kissing me was a joke to you?” He looks so hurt I rush up to him and touch his arms.
“No, no, no, that’s not what I meant.”
He shakes his head. “What about the blowjob I gave you, huh? Was that just a joke too? I know you remember what happened. You still have a hickey! Why are you playing with my feelings?”
I’m sinking. At this point, I don’t know if I even deserve his affection.
I’m a mess. I don’t know how to admit that I’m gay to the one person who matters.
Cass is gay, so this should be easy, yet the words don’t want to leave my mouth.
I don’t have the vocabulary to talk about what we did on my birthday.
I fucked up his thing with Logan. I lied about the troll.
I don’t know if he’d want me after everything I did, but I’m too afraid to find out.
“What’s that?” I ask.
Cass frowns, glancing toward my desk. “What?”
I shove off my lamp off the nightstand and run right past him.
And then to the door.
And then out of the door.
Without a jacket, without my phone, without my keys.
I just run.