Chapter 19
It’s way past nine in the evening and I’m nursing the one drink Levi bought me out of pity. I’m glad I have shoes on, but one thing is obvious. I can never go home. My future is probably Alaska. A cabin in the woods where I am never found and my shame is forgotten.
Around six p.m. each day, Rainbowology turns from a lively cafe into a casual evening venue. Sometimes there’s live music on the weekends, sometimes there’s a pizza night, and sometimes Levi rents the space to various college clubs and societies for meetings.
Tonight, it’s dead. I stick out like a sore thumb among the few students sitting at their laptops.
I wish there was a crowd I could melt into, but it’s not like I can conjure one.
Every now and then, Levi sends me a suspicious glance, but then I just pretend not to exist. It’s worked well enough in the last two hours.
But Rainbowology is closing soon, and what will happen then? If I crash at Aaron’s, he’ll ask me all the questions under the sun as payment, and I didn’t want to explain myself to other acquaintances either, so the verdict on my immediate future is still up in the air.
I could go home while Cass is attending classes, or working, and gather my things, but it wouldn’t be fair to leave him without a roommate to foot half the bill for the apartment.
I struggle to remember the state of my bank account, but it surely doesn’t contain enough money to tide him over for the rest of the year.
I startle when someone pulls out the chair at my table, but it’s only Levi, who sighs and sits down next to me. He rolls up the sleeves of his blue flannel, revealing colorful tattoos.
“You’ve been sulking here for hours. I hope you’re not considering breaking an arm this time.” He puts two large glasses of beer between us.
I flinch, hoping someone else calls him over, but the cafe is quiet tonight, and unless something explodes in the back rooms, the sly bastard is here to stay.
“It’s not funny,” I mumble.
“No?” Levi picks up the glass of beer and raises his brows. “All the friends I told think it’s hilarious. Don’t worry, I didn’t tell them who it was about,” he adds when I lean back, stiff as a wooden board.
“Thanks, I guess.” I grab the glass of beer offered to me because beggars can’t be choosers.
“What I did notice though is that you’ve not been playing with your phone like a normal person, and instead, you’ve stared at the tabletop like some psycho.”
That does manage to squeeze out the tiniest smile out of me. “I forgot my phone.”
“Taking into account you also told me you forgot your wallet, I’m worried about you, kid.”
I groan. “Will you not leave me alone? I’m just having a bad day.”
Levi’s piercing eyes shoot right through me. “This is about Cassian, isn’t it?”
“It’s not.”
“Did he shoot you down?”
“It’s more complicated!”
The few people lingering at the cafe look my way when I raise my voice.
Levi gives a deep sigh. “Matt, you’re making it more complicated.”
“You don’t understand. He’s my best friend. If I fuck this up… I don’t know what I’ll do.” It feels like I might just die.
Levi is as calm as ever as he rubs his short blond beard then drinks a sip of beer that leaves a bit of foam on his mustache. “Judging by your current state, you already fucked something up, so you might as well tell me what happened and get advice from someone who’s been in several relationships.”
He isn’t wrong about the fucking up part. “He found the troll costume. And we did stuff before he broke up with Logan. But we were drunk, and I don’t know what it means, and now I can never go back home. Can I live here?”
Levi blinks and puts down his glass. “Hang on. You did stuff? Did it go so bad?” he asks with a scowl. “You know, sex isn’t always perfect. There’s all sorts of weird noises, and nobody can expect you to be A+ during your first time. I’m sure he understands that.”
"He was perfect." I rub my eyes because they itch again. “But I backed out, because I’m a coward, and now he thinks I was messing with him or something. I hate this. Why do I have to fuck things up all the time?
Levi’s eyes narrow as I speak. “You backed out? That is the big drama that sent you running away?”
“I hurt him. And I don’t know how to talk about it. I don’t know how to fix it anymore.” I sniff, but have a gulp of beer to hide my face for even a moment. “I don’t have a grip on all these things I’m feeling.”
Levi makes a dull noise at the back of his throat and clinks his beer glass with mine, reminding me to drink. “It’s understandable that you’re scared of what might happen, but this is the guy you wanted to have your leg broken for. Call me crazy, but I’m confident that you really care for him.”
“It’s been brewing in me for so long now, but he has no idea. What if it’s just a bit of fun for him? I don’t think I’d be able to handle that. He’s my best friend, Levi. I can’t lose him.”
Levi is thoughtful as he swirls the beer in his glass. “I had a best friend like that when I was even younger than you, so yes, I do understand. But you have to take that leap, or you’ll never know.”
“Did you?”
He nods. “I did, and for a while, it was glorious.”
“What happened?”
“Doesn’t matter. Life happened. What I want you to take away from this is that at least I don’t regret never telling him. Things can always go sour, but if you get that time together, it will be worth it.” He pats my back, and I don’t feel so alone anymore.
“Levi? Can I use your phone?”
His eyebrows rise. “You need to talk to him face-to-face.”
“No, I want to call my mom.”
Levi frowns. “Please, don’t tell me you want her to come get you. You can’t leave Cassian hanging like this.”
“No, it’s just been a while since I talked to her. I’ll talk to Cass, I need to. I fucked up big time and I have to own up to my shit.”
Levi sighs. “I’ll give you a ride once you're ready. And if you want to make that call, come with me,” he says, rising from the chair.
I finish my beer in a few gulps. I need courage for what I’m about to do.
I then follow Levi behind the counter, and all the way to the back room where I almost got my leg broken.
I can’t get over how deranged of an idea it was, yet I couldn’t see it at the time.
Maybe the anxiety I’m feeling about Cassian is just as blown out of proportion in my head?
Levi understands me without words, because he leaves me with the phone and all the privacy I could want. I’m actually surprised he’d leave me with his cell unlocked, but clearly he doesn’t feel threatened by me in any way, and I respect him enough to not search for dick pics.
Still, the receiver seems to judge me as I stare at it. This conversation demands a video call, and I’m now glad Mom tends to pick up every spam call she gets, because she might have not answered Levi’s phone otherwise.
She stills with her nostrils in the middle of the picture, until she realizes it’s on a video call. “Oh, hello there! Matt. Is everything okay? I don’t know this number. Was there a fire? At your house? Please tell me you’re okay.”
“Yeah, yeah, it’s just… It’s been a weird day.”
“Oh. Well, have you lost your phone?” she asks with a sigh and moves the camera farther away, showing a bit of our cozy kitchen. Her short hair has been newly dyed, and since it looks great, I am tempted to tell her that instead of answering the question.
“No. Just left it at home. I told my friend I really felt like talking to you and he lent me his.”
She smiles. “Is Cassian there with you? Hello!”
“Um… no. It’s just me.”
She frowns. “Something’s wrong, Matt. What is it?”
“I…” The words get stuck in my mouth, and I’m so stressed even though I do have a vague idea that my mom loves me and won’t disown me or anything. Would it be easier to write what I needed to say?
Or is this me running away from my problems again? A part of me wants to do the old ‘oh, no, I think you’re breaking up’ trick, but it’s time to be brave.
“I think I’m gay, Mom.” My eyes well up despite it being nothing to cry about.
The phone almost drops from her hand, but she manages to keep it upright. “Oh… but I thought you were so in love with Emily.”
I rub my eyes. “I thought so too. At the time. But I can see now that it wasn’t working like it should. I’m sorry.”
“Matt! Don’t say that. There’s nothing to be sorry about. It’s just a lot to process. Did something make you call tonight? What’s going on there?”
“I’m in love with Cassian,” I choke out, and it feels like the most truthful statement of my life.
She sighs and shifts in a way that tells me that were I next to her, she’d be already hugging me.
“Oh, honey… I’m so sorry. If it’s any consolation, I also used to have a crush on a close friend.
But then I met your dad and everything worked out.
I’m sure there’s plenty of men who are also gay at your university. ”
This is when it hits me that I’ve been scared to tell her that Cassian has come out to me before I moved. On one hand, it’s Cassian’s secret to tell, but on the other, this is my mom.
“Cass, he… you can’t tell anyone, okay? But he’s gay too. So, I don’t know…” I have to take a massive breath. “Maybe I have a shot with him.”
“Oh, so you haven’t told him,” she says, and her shoulders fall, as if she’s been holding her breath. “I thought you were upset because he… didn’t reciprocate your feelings. But you know Cassian likes you. You’ve been close friends for so long.”
“I think that’s why it’s so hard to tell him. So much hinges on this. And I’ve made mistake after mistake.”
She smiles at me. “I wish I could hug you now. Everyone makes mistakes, Matt. If you feel so strongly about him, you have to face that fear and tell him. I love you no matter what, you know that, right?”
A weight I didn’t even know I’d been carrying falls off my shoulders, and I nod. “I love you too, Mom.”
She smiles, shaking her head. “Didn’t know my children could still surprise me, yet here you are. Now you absolutely need to tell me if anything… develops with Cassian.”
I rub my fingers over my short hair. “I will. Unless he kills me first.”