Chapter 15
Whilst the boys went to a whiskey distillery, we had opted for the tame option of a pampering session.
‘That colour is gorgeous,’ said Amy, pulling at my hand to check out my purple nails.
‘I know, I love it.’
Mags was admiring her own. She’d gone the whole hog and got full acrylics done.
‘They look stunning,’ I said, a little jealous at how amazing they looked.
‘Thanks. I just need to get the rest of me looking as good. Speaking of which, I’ve got to get moving to my hair appointment. I’ll see you all back at the hotel.’
‘Oh right, yeah, see you later.’ I barely had a chance to reply before she went.
‘That was abrupt,’ said Amy. ‘Did you know she was leaving?’
‘Nope. But she’s been like that the whole trip. I guess she’s making the most of not working, catching up on all her beauty appointments.’
‘Oh well,’ said Caz, ‘just us then. Your mum still on her tour?’
‘No, but she was heading to a museum after.’
‘She’s brave going off on her own.’ Caz ran a hand over her freshly painted nails. ‘I think mine would be sticking to us like glue.’
‘Yeah, I get the impression she didn’t want to intrude, no matter how many times I told her she isn’t.’
‘Oh bless her, she’s so sweet.’
I nodded, so pleased I’d managed to convince her to come, even if she did want to give us space.
‘Any ideas what you fancy doing now then? I’m guessing the boys will still be at the distillery.’
Amy rolled her eyes. ‘God knows what state they’ll make it back in.’
The four of them had gone off like excited schoolboys.
‘I think I’m going to have to bail. I need to have a snooze,’ said Amy, screwing up her face. ‘I’m so sorry, but I really want to make it tonight.’
‘Of course,’ I said, as we walked out onto the street. ‘That’s fine. What do you reckon, Caz? You fancy some chill-out time?’
‘No, I’m alright. Shall we go for a walk? I quite fancy a nose around Trinity.’
‘Yeah, that sounds good.’
We headed to the hotel to drop Amy back.
‘I’m just going to run in and change jumpers,’ said Caz. ‘The snow threw me off and I’m baking in all these layers.’
‘I’ll wait here.’ I pulled out my phone. I had a missed call from my dad so I called him back.
‘Hey, it’s the birthday girl,’ he said cheerily, causing me to smile. ‘Are you having a good time?’
‘Yeah, Dublin’s great. We’ve seen a lot of it.’
‘Have you been to the Guinness factory?’
‘Yesterday,’ I said, keeping moving to stay warm, taking small steps so I didn’t go too far.
‘Ah, I’m jealous. I’ll have to go and take Tania; I’d love to see it.’
‘I’m sure you’d both love it. Mum enjoyed it.’
It came out before I could stop myself. There was a slight pause on the other end of the phone and I wondered if I’d told them she was coming.
It was the kind of pause that I used to get from Mum when I’d say to her that I was going to do something with Dad, something she was no longer part of.
It was one of the reasons that I’d stood back from Dad’s new life so much when I was a teenager.
‘I’m glad. It’s lovely that she’s getting to spend the time with you.’ There wasn’t any malice in his voice, but I knew I should make more of an effort to see him.
‘Tania and Gilly OK?’ I asked in a bid to change the subject.
‘Yeah, they’re good.’ His tone instantly brightened. ‘Gilly’s got a job interview next week and we’ve been helping her to prep.’
‘Oh, wish her luck from me.’
‘I will. You can text her to tell her too. She’d like that.’
‘Yeah, um, OK. I’ll try and remember.’
‘It’s important to her.’
I thought of all the important things in my life that Dad hadn’t remembered when I was growing up. Exam dates. My first day at uni. My graduation.
‘I’ll text her.’
‘Good. Thanks.’ There was a sigh. ‘I should let you enjoy your trip.’
‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘Thanks for ringing.’
‘Thanks for phoning back. I’ll call you soon.’
I hung up and was just putting my phone back in my bag when I heard a familiar laugh.
I looked down a nearby alley and saw Mags.
She was standing by the back door of the pub next to the hotel, talking to a man dressed head to toe in black that I recognised as one of the musicians from last night.
His head was bent down over her and he looked as if he was whispering something in her ear, whilst her hand was on his arm.
Panic flooded my body. Mags’ odd behaviour. I’d assumed it was about the business, but what if it wasn’t?
She’d rushed away, saying she was getting her hair done, but here she was, with some guy in an alleyway. The hackles on the back of my neck went up, imagining the worst.
I couldn’t watch anymore so I started walking, as quickly as I could, back to the hotel.
I never thought that Mags would hurt Noah like this.
But it all seemed to be fitting into place.
Why she had been acting so strangely. Why she kept disappearing.
I thought of Mum and the fallout after Dad left, when she’d found out that everything she’d known about their relationship had been a lie.
I bumped straight into Caz in the hotel lobby.
‘What’s wrong? Changed your mind about the walk?’
‘No,’ I said, trying to put what I’d seen out of my mind. ‘Just getting out of the cold.’
I pulled my coat tighter round me and we headed back out. I couldn’t help but look down the alley, bracing myself for what I was about to see, but it was empty.
‘Oh, look,’ said Caz, reaching out. For a split second I wondered if she’d spotted Mags and the mystery man, but I followed her gaze to a couple in the middle of the street.
A woman was down on one knee with a crowd forming around them.
‘Look, a proper leap year proposal. I wondered if we’d see one in Ireland. ’
‘I thought it was a myth.’ I watched as the man pulled her up and into his arms. The crowd clapped for the newly engaged couple and we carried on.
‘You not tempted to do a leap year proposal to Graham then?’
‘Um, no. Firstly, it’s such an outdated tradition, and secondly, it’s way too soon.’
Caz laughed. ‘Shame. We could do with another wedding. Plus, I like Graham a lot. I think he’s great.’
‘You just like him because you can talk about mergers and acquisitions and all the things that none of the rest of us understand.’
‘Ha, yes, that’s probably true, but you know you’d be able to understand them too if you actually paid attention when I talked about work. I know when you drift off; I can see your eyes glazing over.’
‘I can’t help it,’ I said, laughing. ‘That’s just how my face goes. But I’ll have you know that when I’m looking gormless, I’m doing my best listening.’
‘Speaking of doing your best listening … Are you sure you’re alright? You looked like you’d seen a ghost in the lobby.’
‘Did I?’ I tried to shrug it off, but that was the problem with spending time with your best friends, they could smell bullshit from a mile away.
I wasn’t sure what to do. If I was going to say anything to anyone it should be Noah, but if I said something to him, there’d be no going back. And if I said something to Mags, I risked jeopardising us working together.
I sighed. I needed to talk to someone and, out of everyone, Caz was the safest choice. Amy was married to Noah’s best friend and it would put her between a rock and a hard place.
‘I know this is a given, but you can’t say anything to anyone about this.’
‘OK,’ said, Caz, her pace slowing. If it wasn’t for the cold I’m sure we would have stopped completely.
‘It’s about Mags. I saw her out the back of the pub we were in last night … with one of the musicians.’
Caz pursed her lips. ‘They were … ?’
I shook my head. ‘No, I didn’t see them actually doing anything.’
She sighed with relief. ‘Oh, for a minute I thought you saw her cheating.’
‘Well, I felt like I did; he was whispering in her ear and she was laughing.’
Caz turned, a stern look on her face.
‘Lu, that’s not cheating. That’s flirting, maybe, at a push.’
‘Are you going all lawyer on me?’
‘No, I’m going all “this has the potential to stir up unnecessary shit” on you. Are you going to talk to Mags?’
‘I don’t know, I just don’t want to see Noah get hurt.’
Caz looped her arm through mine and guided us gently across the road. She looked up at the impressive-looking Georgian building with large wooden doors pinned back to keep them open.
‘We’re here already,’ she said, pointing across the road. ‘Trinity College. Come on, let’s have a walk around.’
We passed through the archway into a courtyard.
There was a mix of tourists and students milling about.
Some on bike, some on foot, and I didn’t know if it was just being at a university but every student I saw gave me pangs of jealousy.
What I wouldn’t give to be back on campus with Caz, Amy, Noah and Paul.
Things were so uncomplicated in those days.
‘I don’t think you should say anything to Mags,’ Caz said as we weaved our way round a group. ‘You didn’t see anything. Not really. You saw Mags being flirty, but we all know she’s a flirt.’
‘But why was she down a dark alley with a musician? Come on, that’s sketchy.’
Caz stepped to the side to dodge a person on their phone from crashing into us.
‘It is sketchy, but it’s also not enough to go on. It’s not like we’re their age anymore.’ She pointed to the students huddled in groups. ‘Noah and Mags have got a house and a mortgage together; it’s not that simple. Plus, even if she had snogged him, it’s just a kiss.’
‘I know. I know you’re right.’ All I could think of was Noah telling me to trust my gut. ‘It’s just that she’s been acting really strangely since we got here, and you’ve seen what my dad’s cheating did to my mum.’
‘Lu’ – she stopped and took my hand – ‘I know what your dad did was awful, for you and your family. But you can’t assume everyone else’s relationship is the same. No one really knows what goes on behind closed doors.’
I shut my eyes tight. She was right.
Perhaps it was the moment in the snow, making me look for some reason that they shouldn’t be together.
‘Look, I know what this is really about,’ said Caz.
‘You do?’ I braced myself for what was to come.
‘Yes. No one can blame you with what you’ve been through with your parents’ break-up. It’s only natural that you’re going to see infidelity in very black and white terms. But this isn’t even a grey area.’
It stung as she said it but I nodded.
‘What if Noah gets hurt?’
‘Then he’s going to get hurt whether you get involved or not.’
‘But … ’ I started but I didn’t know how to finish.
‘I know you just want to be a good friend, and that’s one of the things that we all love about you. But trust Mags, and trust that you’ve got it all wrong.’
‘And if I haven’t?’
She gave my arm a little squeeze before we carried on walking.
‘People make mistakes and unfortunately all you can do is let them.’
I watched her blink back a tear before we carried on walking. There was something in the way that she was talking and the look in her eyes that made me wonder if we were still talking about Mags and Noah.
‘Mistakes like letting people go?’
Caz turned to me, surprise written across her face.
‘Am I that obvious?’
She looked away, and wrapped her scarf tighter around her neck.
‘Oh, Caz. You miss Nick.’
Her lips were quivering. I reached over and hugged her as the tears started to roll down her cheek.
‘Don’t be nice to me. It makes it worse.’
I wiped away one of her tears with my glove.
‘But I’m so confused; you and Bertrand, you look all loved up.’
‘I know, that’s the problem. It’s just so full-on.
At first it was exciting when I was at the Paris office and we’d flirt.
And then when I went back, after I’d broken up with Nick, and we got together it was amazing.
And exciting. Sneaking off to Paris.’ She opened her mouth and then sighed heavily.
‘And now the novelty’s worn off?’
‘Yeah. I feel so stupid. Like a kid that wanted a shiny new toy only to get it and wonder why they wanted it in the first place.’
She ran her hands through her hair and walked away from me.
‘Hey.’ I steered her to a bench and sat her down.
I tried to wrap my coat around my bottom as much as possible as I sat, but I could still feel the cold seeping into my bones. ‘Don’t beat yourself up.’
‘But I broke Nick’s heart, and now I’m going to break Bertrand’s, and mine ultimately because I can’t get Nick back.’
‘Do you know that for a fact?’
She spluttered a laugh. ‘He didn’t even come and get his stuff from our flat; he sent his brother. And he’s moved. He’s down in London now.’
‘Another reason for you to move down.’
She laughed, causing her to hiccup through the tears. ‘Any opportunity to get that in.’
‘Can’t blame a girl for trying. But look, Caz, it’s never too late.’
She smiled weakly. ‘How did we even get on this topic anyway?’
‘I get the feeling you’ve been wanting to get it off your chest for a while.’
She nodded. A group of girls walked past, giggling and teasing one another, and both our eyes followed them.
What I wouldn’t give for that to be us. In those days if we had a dilemma in our love life we’d head to the nearest bar on campus and do shots.
By the time the night was over and the hangover had set in, the pain had gone and a decision been made, albeit usually via an ill-judged drunken phone call.
‘What are you going to do about Bertrand?’ I asked, and her weak smile fell.
‘I don’t know. Part of me was just hoping that it would naturally fizzle out after this weekend.’
I scrunched up my face. ‘I somehow don’t see that happening.’
‘Me neither. I guess, in that case, I’m going to have to let him down as gently as I can.
‘I sort of wish we were still back at uni. Didn’t we just used to snog someone else if we wanted to break up with someone?’
‘Or just not reply to texts.’
‘We were awful,’ said Caz.
‘To be fair, the people that we dated were pretty awful in the first place.’
‘Not like Bertrand. He’s a nice guy, just a bit … dull.’
‘Dull?’
‘Yeah, or perhaps things get lost in translation.’
We sat there people-watching for a while, until the cold started to bite.
‘I’m not sure if I fancy traipsing round here anymore; it’s just making me really jealous that we’re not that age anymore,’ I said.
‘Tell me about it,’ said Caz. ‘Fancy going for a walk along the river? Blow some cobwebs away.’
‘Yes, and then we can go get an Irish coffee on the way back to the hotel.’
‘Deal.’
I relooped my arm through hers, and gave the students one last wistful look. I wished we could be their age again, when things were less complicated, and decisions didn’t have such life-changing repercussions.