Chapter Fifteen #2
He looked up and stared. It was as if he’d conjured her up from his very thoughts.
She stood in front of his desk. So beautiful, so alive.
The morning sunlight made her blond hair shine like gold.
Diane gurgled from her arms, then saw him and squealed.
He hadn’t been spending enough time with the baby.
He missed her as much as he missed her mother.
“I have a meeting,” he said by way of dismissal.
Her smile told him she didn’t believe him for a second, but she played along.
“This won’t take much time. Or maybe it will.
I promised myself I’d wait until you were ready, but it’s been two weeks, and I’m out of patience.
Besides, I’ve been having this conversation with you in my head daily and I’m finally ready to actually have it with you. ”
She glanced over her shoulder as though checking to see if they were alone. She didn’t have to worry. Flo had left for the post office and wouldn’t be back for half an hour.
“I know your deep, dark secret,” she said, her green eyes wide and her gaze direct.
“You’ve spent your entire life trying to fix everything to make up for the fact that you couldn’t fix your mom when she was dying.
You couldn’t convince your girlfriend that the two of you could make it when she was pregnant.
Then your mom died and your baby died. And you were left alone both times, standing in the middle of a tragedy with no one to hold you or help you through that living hell of pain and sorrow.
So you fix and you fix and you fix because you keep hoping that one day it’s finally going to be enough. ”
His mind screamed at him to run, but he couldn’t move. It was like having a bright light glaring down into the small, wizened imperfection that was his soul. She had figured it all out. She was right about everything and he was ashamed.
Her tone softened as she continued. “I have news for you, Jim. You’re never going to make up for that past. First, because what’s done is done.
You can’t change that. Second, you weren’t the one who was wrong.
You were a child and your mother was sick.
You wanted to make her better. But you weren’t a doctor or God.
You were a little boy. You had no power. What she asked of you was wrong.”
He didn’t respond. He couldn’t. He could only stare at her and wonder how long this torture would go on. He’d never wanted her to know this about him. He’d wanted her to believe the facade he showed the world. How could she bear to see him for who and what he was? Didn’t it disgust her?
“As far as I’m concerned, you’re the greatest guy in the world,” she said with a smile.
“I wanted to resist you, but who can resist a guy who is so incredibly perfect? Except you’re not perfect, and that’s what I didn’t see at first. I kept looking for the flaws.
At least with other men, the flaws are usually pretty obvious.
But not with you. You hid the truth and I ended up believing in a shadow. ”
She shifted Diane so that the baby was up against her shoulder.
“You keep everyone at arm’s length by being the one who takes care of them.
A person can respect his mentor but not get that close.
You bring them on board, then move them out before they get too important. That way, you’re never at risk.”
She’d figured it out. All of it. He had no defenses, no quick excuses, nothing. “You’re right,” he said hoarsely.
“I’m not finished.” She walked around the desk until she was standing next to him. “I love you, Jim Dyer. Knowing all that I know, knowing the best you are or the worst you can be, I love you.”
He jerked as if he’d been struck, his mind and body recoiling to reject her words. “You can’t.”
“I can, and I do. I love you. Even when you’re distant. Even when you’re hiding from me. I love you. I’ll keep saying it until you believe it. And I’m going to fight to keep you.”
She handed Diane to him. The familiar soft, warm weight felt so right in his arms. Diane grinned as she looked up at him and waved her arms. He’d missed them both so much the pain of it nearly overwhelmed him.
“Hey, sweet cheeks,” he murmured.
“Now comes my confession,” Heather said.
He looked up startled. “What?”
Color stained her face. “I don’t want to just be friends, Jim.
I want it all. You’re the only father Diane has ever known.
She loves you and I believe you love her, too.
You’re not perfect, but you’re perfect for us, and we’re right for you, too.
We belong together and we can have a wonderful life together if only you’ll give us a chance.
I know your deepest, darkest secret and it doesn’t disgust me or scare me.
It makes me love you more. I know that there will always be some things you can’t fix and guess what?
That’s okay. I still love you, and I’m not leaving.
I’ll be right here underfoot, loving you and showing you that it’s safe to love me, too. ”
With that, she turned on her heel and walked over to her desk. She sat down and started working as if the conversation had never taken place.
* * *
Jim continued to ignore Heather for the next four days.
Which was not to say she ignored him. She spoke to him, teased him, told him jokes and touched him.
In a way, the touching was the worst. Little brushes of her fingers against his arms, a light caress on the back of his neck, and once, in the lunchroom, a full body press by the refrigerator. She was killing him slowly.
He couldn’t breathe without thinking of her.
Work had been reduced to either being with Heather, or not.
His only relief came when he played with Diane, but being with her was its own special kind of torture.
Because she had pretty blue eyes and a direct gaze just like her mother.
And her eyes filled with the same emotion—the one emotion he was terrified to want—love.
He leaned against the window frame and stared out toward the hangar.
A warm Santa Ana wind was blowing across the airport and Brian had brought in a kite.
Heather and the teenager crouched beside Diane’s stroller while the baby clapped her hands in delight at the brightly colored diamond of fabric floating up in the air.
“At the risk of repeating myself,” Flo said, walking toward him, “how long are you going to be stupid? And don’t tell me you don’t know. I need a better answer than that.”
Jim wished he had one. “I don’t know what she wants from me.”
“Of course you do. She wants what most other people want. She wants a man she can love and respect, who will love and respect her in return. She wants to get married and have more babies. She wants to be happy.”
Flo’s words painted a picture that was a fantasy—something he could never give Heather.
“It wouldn’t work.”
“Why not?”
“I can’t—”
He found himself being physically turned until he faced Flo.
She stared up at him, her eyes blazing with anger, her fingers digging into his arms. “I’m so sick of this,” she said, practically yelling at him.
“I don’t know what happened in your past, but I’m willing to bet it was horrible.
And I have just one thing to say about that.
So what? We all have bad things in our past. You think I liked being a punching bag for all those years?
Do you think I’m proud of how long I put up with it?
Well, I’m not. But I’ve made peace with my past and moved on.
It’s time for you to do the same. Let it go, Jim.
Isn’t that what you tell people who come to work here?
That their pasts don’t matter, that they’re starting fresh today?
Give yourself the same break. You are being given the most wonderful opportunity of your life, and if you’re not careful, you’re going to lose it.
Women like Heather don’t come along every day. ”