Chapter 3
Chapter Three
W ith long strides, Sam headed for the back of his cabin to the small storage closet next to the dining room. Inside, he kept all the equipment he needed for hiking. When the weather was good, he’d take a few dogs up the trails, let them run and be dogs for a while. Today, he had no time for watching anything but where he placed his own feet. He just needed a few moments of quiet, some time to think.
He stuck his head into the dark recesses of his closet and hunted for his equipment. The weather had only recently shifted to the point of needing winter gear, and it was still buried underneath what he used in the spring, summer, and early fall. With a few grunts and swallowed words he shouldn’t say, he tugged what he needed free of the closet.
Shoving his foot into his hiking boot, he grumbled about how long he was taking, knowing that he wasn’t really angry about the time, but how he felt. He wasn’t supposed to feel anything for Kelly. He was supposed to step aside and let her heal. Why was he feeling anything? What kind of a monster allowed himself to be attracted to a woman when she was clearly hurting and wanted nothing to do with men, possibly for the rest of her life?
“Me. I’m that monster.” He jabbed his thumb into his sternum and shook his head. He’d told himself he couldn’t feel anything for her anymore. Not since she’d cheated on him. But helping her had not been the same as the women he’d helped before. She was a victim, yet his mind and heart couldn’t separate the fact that she was also Kelly, the one he’d wanted to marry. The one he’d loved.
He finished lacing his boots and shrugged on the jacket he wore for hiking, grabbed his walking stick, the tracker he clipped to his coat in case of injury, along with gloves and his emergency backpack, then headed out the patio door. Making sure he’d secured it, he went for the trails that led in various directions away from the main house.
When he reached the kennels, Zeus, a large rehabilitated German shepherd, barked for his attention. The other dogs made themselves busy with the various toys in the run, but Zeus wanted nothing but Sam’s attention. Sam unlatched the gate and let the dog out, despite his desire to be alone. He couldn’t walk past a dog who wanted his attention.
Usually, the dog’s joy at being near him would’ve immediately bolstered his mood, but today Zeus’s energy seemed more than he could handle. Zeus ran ahead, then stopped and looked back at Sam, tilting his head to the side. His long ears looked strange, like they should flop, but they didn’t.
“I’m not in the mood to run today, boy.” Sam tried not to sound gruff. It wasn’t Zeus’s fault that he was angry with himself. Zeus just wanted to be a dog and do dog things with the guy who usually let him.
Zeus gave a single bark and sat, waiting for Sam to catch up. Sam picked up the pace, allowing Zeus to choose the trail. He wasn’t in the mood to make choices, anyway. Sam’s mind wandered back to years before when Kelly had been his world. No other woman had given him the time of day. He wasn’t flashy. He wasn’t pushy. He wasn’t an athlete.
She’d been bubbly, friendly with everyone. There wasn’t a soul who couldn’t be her friend, at least peripherally. He’d let her be the sunshine to his shadow. He preferred staying out of the limelight, which made them a great couple. She was the talker, the one who got them invited to parties. The trouble was, he’d noticed that many of those people were little more than acquaintances. None of the people who took all her energy knew her well when he asked them questions.
Now that he thought about their history, the man he’d seen through her window wasn’t anyone he’d ever seen her with before that day. He hadn’t known the man. Over the time that they were close, he’d gotten to know all her friends, including one he’d warned her about on multiple occasions. Kelly had argued with him about Jasmine, claiming she wasn’t really trouble, she was troubled . There was a difference, according to Kelly.
Had Jasmine been the issue all along? Sam stopped in his tracks and looked around, noting how far he’d gone. Trees surrounded him, and Zeus sniffed the ground about twenty yards ahead. Nothing seemed out of place, but the chill in the air and the environment didn’t work its usual therapy on him.
He wasn’t an angry guy. He didn’t yell and never used his fists. His father had taught him to walk away from situations with hot heads because circumstances where emotions were high would get him in trouble. Kelly had only proven that true. He’d let his emotions have free rein and look where it had gotten him. A broken heart and no chance at love again.
He stuck his walking stick into the dirt and took a deep breath then let it out in a puff of vapor. Zeus trotted up to him and sat on Sam’s foot, pushing the top of his head into Sam’s thigh to look up at him. The utter trust on Zeus’ face stabbed Sam in the heart. He had to do better.
Kelly deserved the chance to heal. The past was the past and it should stay there. No matter his feelings when he looked at her. No matter the clench in his chest when she looked so vulnerable and hurt. He wouldn’t act on that. She was a guest. There were rules specifically meant to keep the Wayside men from this situation and to protect their guests from advances. He just needed to follow them. Be accountable.
He’d go back, take a hot shower, then go and talk to Connor about his plans. He couldn’t be the one to help Kelly if she had any chance at all to have the kind of experience at Wayside she needed. He wouldn’t keep her from that. It was too rare. If he had to leave, he would.
Zeus whined and pressed his back into Sam’s leg, letting him know he wanted to go further. It hadn’t been half the walk they usually took. Sam scratched Zeus behind his soft ear, and finally smiled down at Zeus.
“Okay, boy. Let’s go.”
Zeus leapt off toward the trail and raced ahead, but always circled back so he stayed within sight of Sam. They walked down toward the river and stood up on the high bank. The narrow river was partially frozen over already, only the center flowed, the water looking much darker than the ice.
Sam shivered and his breath puffed as he let himself rest for a moment. Once his breathing was back to normal and his feet felt slightly cold, he knew it was time to return Zeus to his warm kennel. He needed a hot shower himself. With a sharp whistle, Sam called for Zeus to return.
Within seconds, Zeus’s head poked from behind a tree. His ears perked up until they pointed completely straight, like he could hear everything for miles around. Sam whistled one more time and Zeus bounded toward him.
He never really stopped training any of the Wayside dogs. Even great adherence to training could falter with a bad day, too much stimulus, or an outside force like other dogs. Sam dug in his pocket and held out a treat for Zeus, then gave the whistle for him to heel.
Zeus never missed a cue when a treat was involved, so he immediately followed the command. Sam rewarded him for his good behavior, and they headed back toward the ranch. Maybe that’s what he needed, a little positive reinforcement for good behavior. If he could do what he needed to, what was right, then he could reward himself with some time off or a good, long ride on his horse.
Sam let his shoulders relax. He might have been on the wrong track before, but he didn’t have to stay there. He’d always tried to be a good guy. The unsung hero. The one anyone could turn to. That was practically his persona. So, now he needed to be that guy for Kelly.
He returned to the kennel and opened the gate. Zeus went right in without complaint. He reached through the fence and gave Bubbles a few chin scratches, then made his way toward home. Tomorrow would be better. He wouldn’t let it be any other way.
Kelly woke early and made herself a cup of coffee in the single-cup coffee maker in her cabin. She made use of the toaster and, feeling like she wanted to avoid everyone today if possible, made the decision to use the phone and let Connor know she would be staying in.
She didn’t want to explain to him that Edwyn was just too assertive, too gruff, too loud . She didn’t want to work with him anymore. After Edwyn had scared her so badly the day before, Sam had come to her rescue. He’d even called Sam to come. Her heart had done something she’d never expected to happen again, she’d melted into a safe space, a place she’d thought was dead inside. A place that was very dangerous for a woman like her.
Nathan would find her. It was only a matter of time. When he did, everyone around her would be in danger. She gripped her hot coffee and headed for the patio window. Even that felt forbidden. She was so used to hiding, staying behind locked doors, away from windows. Her life was always waiting to be told what to do and where to go. Even the choice to stay in her room was novel and scary.
A cloudy sky threatened to spout more snowflakes. Cold air seeped through the patio door making her shiver and she backed away. Recalling what Lacy had said the day before, she turned the thermostat up a few degrees and waited for the clicking of the baseboard heater to turn on. Cradling her mug between her hands, she headed for the sofa. Now that she had time, what could she do with it? What did she enjoy doing anymore? There wasn’t anything.
With startling clarity, she saw her reflection in the television screen. How could she still allow herself to feel anything? Hadn’t she been through enough? Her heart should be dead. Even if she could ever love again, she would never have a normal relationship. Any man who decided she could be loved would have to deal with her night terrors, her constant feeling of being permanently damaged, her worry that they may have stolen her very soul.
There was nothing left of her to love.
So why had Sam’s light touch yesterday made her feel safe? That was a feeling she hadn’t known in years. Even coming to Wayside hadn’t done that. She was still alone, still unsure. Coming to Wayside was supposed to open doors to healing, but being out in the wide open left her feeling vulnerable, watched, exposed. Sam was like a protective blanket over her.
“You can’t stay here. If you do, you could make him fall for you. That’s not fair to him.” She stared at her reflection, willing herself to get up and find Connor. She had to do what was right, but her heart rebelled. Knowing what she had to do didn’t make it any easier. Leaving would be giving up the one thing that had made her feel almost good.
“Toughen up, buttercup. You have to do what’s right because this is his job. He can’t leave here, which means you have to. For both of you.” She stood and left her coffee on the kitchen table.
Shrugging on Lacy’s coat, she ducked outside. Since she’d told Connor she was staying in, being outside left her tense, like she was misbehaving. Would she get in trouble? She searched the area to see if anyone might see her. Finding no one, she made her way to the ranch house, keeping near buildings and as out of sight as possible.
Opening the front door, she glanced both ways and around the room before making her way to the hallway where Connor’s office was the first door on the right. He’d told her that one of their guests stayed in the room across the hall from Brendon’s office, but she hadn’t been down that far yet.
Connor’s door was open, but she hesitated outside. Voices came from the dining room, since breakfast was still being served. If someone found her hanging out in the hallway, would they think she was breaking some rule? No one had told her what the rules were other than pointing out the numbered plaque on the wall and explaining that those rules pertained more to the men than the guests. Knowing that, she’d quickly dispelled them from her mind.
Kelly took a deep breath and approached the door. Connor looked up before she could knock, and he smiled. The man was roughly the size of a grizzly and more daunting than he probably realized. She shrank back a step.
“Come on in, Kelly.” He waved her forward. “I wasn’t expecting you.”
She bit her lip and slowly approached his desk. This would be easier if she just came right out and said what needed to be. “I would like to go back to the halfway house. I don’t think this is going to work. I know I told Sam I would give you two weeks, but I don’t think I can.”
Connor observed her for a few seconds, and she fought the urge to squirm as she sat. What was he looking at? Why couldn’t he just give her an answer?
“You spoke to Sam?”
What a strange question. Why wouldn’t she talk to Sam, though she supposed he might have thought she would talk to Edwyn. “Yes. Edwyn and I don’t really make a good match. He makes me feel tense, worried, anxious . . .” Among other things. She wasn’t sure what kind of man he was. Maybe he never hit women, but the tone of his voice was too close to men who had. Those men who’d come before Edwyn would forever cloud her thoughts. She couldn’t heal with a man who put her on edge just by opening his mouth.
Connor frowned and threaded his fingers together in front of him. He was about to disappoint her. She could read that clearly in his body language.
“I’m sorry, Kelly. The coordinator at the halfway house told me they would be giving your bed to someone as soon as you left. They have a list of people who need housing and they couldn’t wait to see if you would work out here. I had to assure them that I would keep you here until you were either ready to move on or we could find a safe place for you. I can look for that if you’d really like me to, but it will take time.”
Time. Everything in her life that had gone wrong had something to do with time. When her friend had stolen her money, she’d been out of time with the bank. Foreclosure had been eminent. When she’d been held against her will to get the money back, Nathan had told her she only had to work for him a short time, then she would be free. Yet that time had never come. Now, she’d have to stay here and risk hurting Sam all over again because she had to have hurt him before if he’d walked away from her .
“You don’t look like you can stand that answer. I wish I could give you what you want, but I can’t. Can you tell me what happened so I can try to fix it?”
Not without saying something that would probably make him angry about Edwyn. And whose side would Connor take? What would he say if she told him the truth? No one asked her how she felt. No one cared about her comfort or safety. “I don’t fit well with Edwyn.” She ducked her head, waiting for him to defend his man.
“I was worried that might be the case. Edwyn is used to being a foreman, telling people what to do. He’s usually softer with guests, but even trying his best he can sound like he’s ordering people around.” Connor drummed his fingers on the desk. “Sam is working with Rebecca right now. Junior won’t have the time if you’re going to stay for as long as usual because his wife is pregnant.”
“And what if I don’t stay? If you’re going to look for a place for me to stay, then I won’t be here long.” She hadn’t met Junior yet, but he was obviously married. That might make him a little safer, if he actually cared about his wife.
“I’ll talk to him and to Edwyn and see what they think. If Junior agrees, I’ll let you know. I suspect Edwyn knew this was coming. He mentioned at our evening meeting last night that he’d failed with you.”
She jumped, locking eyes with Connor. Edwyn had admitted he’d failed her? That was shocking. “He talked to you?”
Connor nodded slightly. “Yes. We’re committed to honesty here. He was sorry and wasn’t sure what he’d done, but clearly he wasn’t the right person to work with you. So, I was planning to talk to you today at some point. I just hadn’t decided who I was going to ask to take over as your wrangler. ”
She let her shoulders relax slightly. “Thank you.” The words came easy, and surprisingly, so did the feeling of gratitude. Maybe staying wouldn’t be so bad if she could avoid Sam and if they really did care about her feelings, as it seemed they did. “I promised Sam I would stay for two weeks. Do you think you could find somewhere for me to go in that time?”
Connor glanced down at what looked like a planner. “I can do my best. In the meantime, why don’t you go down and have a session with Brendon. He’s open right now and I’d like you to feel like you can tell him when things happen that make you scared or uncomfortable. Let him help you.”
Kelly gripped the arms of the chair, wishing she could run. The idea of talking to a counselor who she didn’t know was almost more terrifying than the idea of talking to Sam.