19. Chapter 19
Gunnar
When I wake beside Arlo, my nose nestled into his hair, I can’t fight back a smile. After so many years of waking up alone and settling for solitude, I’ve finally found a man I want to wake up with for the rest of my days.
I love him.
With every part of me, I love him.
I breathe in the salty scent of the sea, light in body and soul.
I’ll tell him as soon as he wakes. For now, I’m off to hunt for our breakfast.
Rising from bed, I go in search of my furs. The cabin I’ve built for us is cozy but with room to expand should we decide to adopt some pups of our own. Snow frosts the glass, and I wipe away the fog on the window.
A man stands out in the snow, holding a baby in his arms.
It’s Leif and Bjorn.
Gods, what are they doing out there in the cold? They must come inside or they’ll freeze.
I shout through the window, or I try to. My voice won’t go above a whisper. “Why are you outside? Come in!”
Leif smiles, bouncing the baby in his arms until Bjorn coos.
The wind kicks up, threatening to obscure them.
Leif! I want to scream, but it’s like my mouth has been sewn shut. Bjorn!
The blizzard takes them from me, and all I can do is watch as they disappear right in front of me.
“Gunnar? Gunnar, it’s all right. Wake up.”
My eyes fly open, my vision blurry with tears. I blink them away, causing them to spill down into my hair. I can’t catch my breath or speak a word without wanting to cry. A gentle hand wipes away the tear tracks on my temple.
“It was just a dream, darling. I’m here.” Arlo’s voice is soft and soothing, helping my racing heart find some semblance of calm.
“A dream…” I repeat, trying to convince myself. It didn’t feel like one. It felt like a nightmare.
“What happened?” Arlo asks as he rubs my chest.
I swallow thickly. “I woke up in bed with you. We were in a cabin, one I’d made.
I was happy but… but Leif and Bjorn were standing outside in the cold.
I called for them to come in but they only smiled at me and didn’t listen.
It started snowing and then—” I suck in a gulp of air so I don’t fall apart. “They disappeared.”
“Oh,” Arlo says softly, a catch in his voice. “That’s horrible. I’m so sorry. Do you dream about them often?”
I shake my head and wipe my eyes dry. “Not usually. Night terrors mostly, where they’re in trouble and I can’t reach them.” I make myself sit up, and Arlo winds an arm around my shoulders.
“Sounds like this one was different.”
It did seem that way. Aye, they were out in the cold, but Leif’s contented smile is stuck in my head. Neither he nor Bjorn seemed afraid. But why wouldn’t they be? Why wouldn’t they come inside?
I ask Arlo these same questions, watching him closely for his reaction. Arlo’s frown deepens as he rubs circles against my shoulder. “It seems less like a dream and more like a reflection of your feelings.”
I don’t understand. “So… I want Leif and Bjorn to freeze to death?”
Arlo shakes his head. “Of course not. Maybe they didn’t want to come in because they could tell you were happy without them?”
My shoulders stiffen. “But I still miss them.”
“Of course, darling. We never stop missing the ones we’ve loved and lost. But that doesn’t mean we need to wallow in the past.”
I blow out a breath. “Why did Leif smile like that? Why wasn’t he—” Afraid? Angry? I choke back the words.
“I don’t know Leif, not like you do.” Arlo runs his fingers up and down my arm; his touch is soft and warm. “Would he be angry at you if you moved on with… with someone?”
For several painful seconds, I am unsure how to answer that question. “How would I know unless he told me? He made me promise not to forget him.” My eyes sting, and the words scratch my throat on the way out.
Arlo’s hand settles on mine. “But surely he wouldn’t want you to be alone for the rest of your life, would he?”
No. Of course he wouldn’t. Leif would never make such a cruel request.
I shake my head, sniffing.
He twists his fingers in mine. “Then maybe that’s what your dream was trying to tell you, darling? Being alone until you go feral is a cruel punishment for something that wasn’t your fault.”
“That’s not what I’m—” I fall silent because that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. Punishing myself so I can never get close to anyone else. So I don’t lose anyone else I love.
“Gunnar…” Arlo’s voice is full of hesitation. “Do you want to move on? With me?”
The tender feelings from my dream come back like specters to haunt me. I’d been so happy, so in love. With Arlo. It had felt so right waking up next to him, the ache of loneliness nothing but a distant memory. I’d wanted to hunt for him the way I’d hunted for Leif.
“I…” I wet my lips.
I’d thought so, but then I’d seen my family beyond the windows, watching me carry on with my life without them. Leif had smiled.
Why? He should have been angry at me for betraying him and breaking my promise.
But that’s not who Leif was. He would never begrudge me my happiness, even if it wasn’t with him.
Would he?
Gods. I can’t do this anymore. I’m so sick of being lonely, of tormenting myself with what-ifs and would-bes.
“Gunnar?”
I look at Arlo and my breath catches when his wide, desperate gaze finds mine. He tightens his grip on my fingers until they ache. I want to reach out and touch his cheek, kiss away the furrow between his brows, whisper reassurance in his ears.
If Leif were to appear on my doorstep tomorrow and offer me his heart, would I take it?
Once I would have said yes without hesitation, but now… I don’t know what my answer would be. I’m not the same boy Leif fell in love with. That boy was young and naive. I’ve let grief sharpen me like glass. He wouldn’t love me as I am now.
But Arlo could. If I am glass, then Arlo is the sea that has softened my sharp edges. Gods, I want to let him love me.
The guilt that crashes over me at this admission knocks the air from my lungs. “I—I’m going to get us coffee.” I can barely feel my lips wrap around the words. Every part of me has gone numb.
“Gunnar—”
I turn my back on Arlo’s pleading voice and let the door swing shut behind me.
It’s early. Beyond the large windows on the ground floor, Sol has just barely risen beyond the horizon, flying her golden chariot across the brightening sky.
Wind howls around the sides of the building, but there’s hardly a cloud in the sky.
If it lasts the rest of the week, this could be the perfect weather for a wedding.
I grip my stomach as it churns painfully with nerves.
Flicking the switch, I get the kettle boiling. While the water heats, I fill two filters with coffee grounds. When did life in Arlo’s timeline get easier? I’ve adjusted to this time sooner than I thought I would.
Memories of the lonely, miserable wretch I once was are slipping out of my reach.
I can’t reconcile that angry, sad, and half-feral man with the one now filling his shoes.
I’ve found a place here in this time. Forged friendships with Arlo’s family.
I don’t remember when I last slept alone and woke up by myself.
Gods. Could I ever go back to the way I was before? Do I want to?
The kettle clicks off beside me, steam hissing from the spout. Once I’ve prepared our coffees the way we like them, I carry the mugs back upstairs to our bedroom. When I open the door with my elbow, Arlo smiles at me. It’s strained, and I hope I am not the cause of his worries.
“There’s something I want to tell you,” Arlo says when I join him in bed.
I hand him his coffee. “What is it?”
When he hesitates, I tense and brace myself for potentially bad news.
“Is everything all right?”
Arlo nods, but his smile doesn’t reach his eyes. “So…”
My fingers tap against my thigh. “What is it?” He’s starting to make me nervous. Is it the wedding? Or something else?
“Nan gave me the last ingredient I need for my potion.”
It takes me a moment to understand what potion he’s speaking of. “The one that can soothe my berserker?”
“Yes.” Arlo cradles his mug of coffee between his hands, staring into the depths of the cup as if it holds all the answers. “If I get to work now, it will be ready by the end of the day.”
“Oh.” This is good news. If I take that potion, I’ll never have to worry about losing myself to my berserker rage. I’ll be able to stay sane without taking a mate. My vow to Leif will remain unbroken.
I should be happy. Instead, all I feel is this sinking feeling in my stomach.
“How have you been feeling lately?” Arlo asks.
Truth be told, I doubt I even need it. Since Arlo and I have been spending more time together, my inner wolf has been calmer than he has been in years. Anders told me he felt the same after he and Jamie met. Even Wulfric felt calmer around Kieran.
“Better than ever. But…”
But all it took was a moment of despair, and Anders was almost consumed by his berserker’s rage. Until I take a mate, I will forever walk the precarious line between feral and sane.
“I’ll get started on it today,” Arlo says, as if he read my mind. “Even if you’re feeling stable, we shouldn’t waste any time.”
This is what we agreed on. I would pretend to be his fiancé so he could get that ingredient, and he would make the potion for me. Our obligations to each other will soon be over. We need not even marry, not if he can make the potion so quickly.
Arlo clears his throat. “If it’s ready by tonight, I suppose we might not even have to go through with the wedding…”
The thought of calling off the wedding when his family has gone to so much trouble fills me with shame. I can’t do that to them, to him. It would not be right. Unless that’s what Arlo truly wants. A stone drops into my stomach. Does Arlo want to be rid of me now that he has what he wants?
“Your family has gone to such trouble, and we’ve already made preparations.”
Arlo scoffs, a frown tugging at his brow. “Of course. Because ‘they went to so much trouble’ is a valid excuse to marry someone. Not love or anything.”
I bite the inside of my cheek. Damn it, that’s not what I meant.