Chapter Twenty-Seven
Emberli
I think your mind sometimes plays tricks on you. I think sometimes when something happens, your mind will erase it, change it or leave it there for you to remember. Or the moment will happen so quickly, you don’t know if it even really happened at all.
Elijah’s hands tighten on my upper arms, a bit tighter than I’d expected, and my heart sinks in my chest when I realize the intent behind it. He isn’t just forcing me out of the doorway, he’s hurting me.
I beg him in my head to take it back, to not ruin what we have. Neither of us speak about it, but we both know what had just happened.
It felt like a pinch at first, and I tried to blink to create a mental picture of it. To remember it.
But some sick, fucked up part of me attempts to forget it entirely.
He was only trying to get out of the door. It was my fault I was blocking it because I didn’t want him to leave.
Yeah.
It was my fault.
I stand there for a few minutes, not knowing how we ever got to this moment before I move out of the doorway.
I let Elijah leave.
I let him go.
Towards the end of our relationship, Elijah and I would argue daily about the pregnancy, the band and us. We started to never see eye to eye. At least that’s what Elijah said.
But I saw it as I finally grew a backbone and told him how I really felt.
And maybe it was my fault, maybe I should have told him sooner. But I was so scared of his reaction that I kept it quiet until the old me was thrashing around inside of me, screaming about how wrong he was treating me and desperate to get out.
I think Elijah realized he didn’t have any control over me anymore and from that moment on, things crashed down in a spiral and it was only a matter of time after that before he left me at the motel at junction five.
I never knew him. That was clear to me.
I never knew all the awful things he did to other people, I only knew the awful things he did to me.
***
WILLOW: Emberli, I’m so sorry.
WILLOW: Are you mad at me?
WILLOW: Who am I kidding, of course you are. I’m sorry I hid this from you .
“Why is it that when something goes wrong, you pack up all your stuff and leave?” My mom asks on the other end of the phone.
“Because.” I sob. “I can’t stay here. I’ve embarrassed myself.”
“You need to breathe, is what you need to do, Em. You’re too irrational. It is not the end of the world. Okay?”
I sniffle. “Then why does it feel like it is?”
“Because that’s just how these things feel. It’s normal.”
“I want to come home.” I blurt out.
“No you don’t.” She chuckles.
She was right. I didn’t want to come home.
I didn’t want to argue with Thayne either, and I felt like a total bitch for doing so. For pushing him to talk about something when he wasn’t ready.
God.
What about how I feel?
How do I feel and why is that not important to me?
“I’m scared that I’ve fucked this all up.”
“Honey. You only wanted to talk. You haven’t messed anything up. Have you seen the way that man looks at you?”
I sit down on the bed, overlooking my now packed overnight bag and realize I may have overreacted.
It’s a specialty of mine that I’m sure my unborn son will inherit.
The door downstairs closes and I panic, scurrying to shut my bedroom door. “Mom, I have to go.”
“Should I expect you at my door within four hours?”
“It’s a maybe.” I end the call, hearing the heavy footsteps draw closer and closer to my bedroom door before there’s a knock.
Do I climb out of the bedroom window?
I toss the bag over my shoulder before sliding it up, feeling as if I’m in high school again, sneaking out after curfew.
Only this time I’m avoiding the man I love. I speedily walk down the drive, hearing footsteps thud after me.
Don’t look back. Keep walking.
I adjust the strap on my overnight bag just as it’s taken from me .
“Hey! No fucking way.” It’s Thayne. He holds my overnight bag away from me and shakes his head with a sullen look on his face. “You’re not leaving.”
I reach to grab my bag from him but he only holds it further away. “I get you’re angry with me and we’re not entirely good right now, but that doesn’t mean I want you to leave. So I’m going to put your bag back in your room and give you space and when you and I are both ready, we’re going to solve this. Together.”
“Look I …”
“Listen to me. I should have told you. I’m sorry.” Behind him, Willow and her brothers stand on the porch a few meters away.
I sigh. “I don’t know. I feel humiliated.”
“Don’t look at them. Look at me.” He pleads and his hands reach out to grab mine, his thumbs rubbing circles on mine. “I should have told you. They all told me to and I didn’t.”
“I just don’t know right now.” My head was throbbing and for someone who desperately needed communication, I hated it right now. I just needed to be alone.
“I’m not asking you to know. I’m asking you to take the time you need. I’ll be here when you get back. Or call me and I’ll pick you up.”
“Look, I think it’s best we cut this off now.”
His eyes stare into mine, he sees straight through me. Something no one else does. He sees me. Thayne really sees me.
“No you don’t. You’re pushing me away.”
I fear in the months I’ve known this man that he seems to know me better than I know myself. And that’s why it’s so hard for me to not jump into his arms right there and then.
“I need to think. I need to… process.”
“I know. It’s okay.”
I end up forcing myself on a walk around the town and stripping out of my clothes by a noiseless lake.
This looked so much more unsanitary than it did in the movies, but I was going to do it anyway. To complete my list .
The water has a harsh coldness to it as I dip my feet in, wiggling my toes around in the damp grass.
Squelch.
Yep. Definitely not the same as the movies.
I don’t know why I romanticised them so much, I think it was because everything in them was always so perfect. The guy gets the girl and so forth. It’s all every young girl wants. Or at least that was what I wanted.
A prince to my princess.
A knight in shining armor.
The endings of those movies are always the same and as much as I didn’t want to say it, unrealistic.
I walk in further, allowing the somewhat slimy yet calm water to pacify me, despite the coolish feeling that invades my skin, before plunging all but my head into the water. An involuntary squeal leaves my lips as goosebumps conquer my body. But I feel safe under the blanket of darker water and moss floating nearby.
It’s funny how the weirdest of places can make you feel so secure. Even in the arms of those who’ve wronged you countless times.
It’s eerily silent around the lake until a truck pulls up thirty minutes later. But not just any truck. The sirens blare as the door shuts and Mack stands before me, taking his hat off before he clears his throat. “I got a complaint from Miss Callyman. Something about a nude woman in the lake. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, would you?”
Fucking Miss Callyman. I should have let Thayne hit her bins when he had the chance. “Nope. But I think she went that way.” I point left and he laughs, grabbing a towel out of his truck and averting his eyes.
“Come on. I’ll get you a coffee.”
** *
The sun beamed through the window and onto the table in the diner where the dreamy scent of Big Al’s coffee was enough to level my emotions that had been all over the place this morning. Loud and cheerful chatter surrounds Mack and I in the corner booth where he points a new waitress out to me.
Turns out, she’s not that new. She’s Big Al’s granddaughter and returned home after a year of volunteering at an animal sanctuary in Africa. Her name is Jaycee. And she’s the same woman who chased Annie off this morning in Lacey’s. She’s also the woman Colton is in love with.
It’s clear that she’s rushed off her feet as she dances around the busy diner with various trays in both hands, barking orders at the other waitresses on the floor who roll their eyes when she isn’t looking.
“How come I’ve never seen Big Al?” I ask.
Mack picks up a chip from the middle of the table before dunking it in a pot of gravy.
“He’s often resting at home now he’s getting older. Mavis’ orders.”
“Are they a thing?”
“Who Mavis and Big Al?” Mack chuckles, “since the beginning of time. The real high school sweethearts, them two. Was just a shame Big Al cheated. And then along came Jaycee.”
“Did Mavis forgive him?”
“No.”
I glance over at Mavis, her stern exterior seems to mask everything else she feels as she pours coffee and talks to the locals.
“But she loves him. So she helps him out.”
I continue to stare until she must feel my eyes on her and she looks straight at me. I quickly look away and Mack grabs another chip, tossing it into his mouth before speaking. “You know I once ran away from home with a suitcase that was too big for me and a jam sandwich.”
“Yeah? ”
“Yeah. Lasted forty minutes before I came back.”
“Why did you leave?”
“Wanted to find my mom. Sally said she went to heaven and… I didn’t understand at the time. I just thought she left us.”
“I’m sorry.” I swirl the mug of coffee around in my hands, staring aimlessly into it.
“Don’t be. I just wanted to tell you.”
“Why?”
“Because I want you to understand why Thayne acts the way he does.”
I changed the topic entirely. “When did you get back?”
“An hour ago. Heard the complaint come in about you and figured I’d get you myself.”
“Gotcha.”
“Thayne has lost a lot of people.” Mack says.
I shift in my seat. “Can we not talk about Thayne right now?”
“Okay. Can we talk about Elijah?”
I’m hesitant at first but take a sip of my coffee as I say, “Okay.”
“Look. Thayne’s story is his and he’ll tell you. But Elijah didn’t just hurt Thayne. He hurt us all.”
Mack tells me everything. He told me how they all grew up together and how Flint offered Elijah a place on the ranch after his parents passed away. How Elijah took the job and took advantage of their hospitality in the process, stealing money at any chance given and turning up to work drunk. That was only the half of it.
It turns out I didn’t know Elijah like I thought at all.
“And listen, I know my brother has a habit of pushing people away, but Thayne loves you.”
“Then why can’t he tell me himself?”
“He’s lost a lot of people, Emberli.”
“And he never told me. There is no relationship if there is no communication or trust. Believe me, I know that.”
“He should have told you.”
“Yeah. He should have. ”
I instantly feel the need to apologize but I shut it down. Change starts now and that means saying how I feel.
“I have Elijah in a holding cell down at the station. Need you to come and profile him, check some CCTV of the night your car was stolen.”
His words sucker punch me. He has Elijah.
Was I really ready to face him? I had no clue.
I felt so much resentment. So much anger towards him.
All I can think about is how Elijah is here. After months of hating him, regretting us. Elijah is in the same town as I am.
I hate him but I hate myself even more for allowing him to constantly belittle me and everything I did. I hated myself for wanting his approval, for wearing things he wanted me to wear. I hated myself for allowing him to change me.
Adrenaline seemed to course through my body and Mack settled his hand upon my own that bounced on the table nervously. “Hey. If you don’t want to do this…”
I shake my head, cutting him off completely because for months I had pushed the inevitable aside. I had to face him. “I need to do this.”