Chapter 9
NINE
STELLA
“Do you have everything?” Mom asked, making a slow approach with her cane as she swept her gaze over her living room carpet.
“I think so. I didn’t come with much. And if I forgot anything, I think you’ll let me in if I have to come back,” I said, trying to get her to crack a smile.
“You can always come back. Please remember that.” Mom’s eyes were glossy when they met mine, a deep crease denting her forehead as she studied me.
“Listen, I know you worry about me, but I’m fine.” I grabbed both of her hands. “Bennie is the sweetest kid, and this is going to be a good break for me too. The past is the past. Silly dreams don’t fit into real life, and I accepted that a long time ago.”
“It’s not silly to have dreams.” She squeezed my hands. “I want you to have dreams. Dreams and big, messy love. But not the Zach kind of messy.”
“I know what you mean. Someday, maybe,” I told her, smiling wide to mask how I hadn’t really meant it. She’d had a big, messy love with my father, and the memories seemed to sustain her after she’d lost him, but giving everything I had to someone else? That terrified me to my core.
“Until then, I have to report to my new job.” I kissed her cheek. “I’ll call you tonight.”
She nodded, grabbing my shoulders and pulling me into a hug. Her sad smile killed me when she pulled away, but she didn’t say anything else while I gathered up my bags and headed to my car.
I wasn’t due at Lee’s house for a couple of hours, but I couldn’t linger at my mother’s place any longer. I understood her concern, and it was making me second-guess everything.
Yes, staying at Lee’s and taking care of his child might mess with my head, but I could handle it. Or at least, I was almost positive I could. Whatever I could or couldn’t do, it was too late to back out now.
Right before the turn onto Lee’s block, I kept going straight and dialed Bailee’s number.
“Hey, I thought today was moving day,” she said over my car speakers.
“It is, but I’m twenty minutes away from your house. Do you have some time?”
“I will if you get here soon. I’m about to get the hellions ready for nap time. Park in my driveway and come up.”
I hung up, breathing out a little relief. When I arrived at Bailee’s house, I lingered in my car after I shut off the engine, letting my head fall back as I shut my eyes.
I really had nowhere else to go. The realization hit me hard enough to paralyze.
I had plenty of savings but no plan. I had no apartment, and I couldn’t stay with my mother any longer, even if I’d wanted to.
The thought of booking a hotel room for an indeterminate amount of time until I figured out my life exhausted me, and I finally stepped out of my car.
At thirty-three, I was too old to feel this lost.
“Shh.” Bailee pressed her finger to her lips as she waved me in from the door. “We have time for a coffee if you hustle upstairs.”
I smiled, trying to make my way up the concrete steps outside of her house quickly without tripping over myself.
I followed Bailee into her kitchen and slid into one of her dining room chairs, squeezing the back of my neck while I attempted to wrangle whatever I was feeling.
Or work myself up to deny it enough that I could keep going and ignore it.
“So why the second thoughts?” Bailee asked as she loaded up her one-cup coffee machine.
“I didn’t say I had second thoughts.”
She rolled her eyes as she opened the refrigerator and set a carton of creamer in front of me.
“I’m not on the way to Lee’s house, am I?”
“You aren’t that far. I left my mother’s early, but I didn’t know I was going to end up here until I called you,” I admitted.
“Okay,” Bailee said, setting the mug of steaming coffee in front of me. “So, what’s wrong? Not excited about being Mary Poppins anymore?”
“Mary Poppins?”
“Or Maria from Sound of Music. Or Fran from The Nanny—”
“Seriously?” I narrowed my eyes.
“Well, those are the only live-in nannies I know of. Or they were.” Bailee grinned. “I’m sure people still do that, but I don’t know anyone in real life who moved in to some big estate or mansion to take care of a grumpy single father’s kids and ended up—”
“I won’t end up anywhere. It’s not like that.”
I flinched when I caught the defensive edge to my voice.
“No, it’s not,” Bailee said, a frown pulling at her lips. “Is that what’s bothering you? That it’s another Lee dead end?”
“Dead end? No, that was a while ago, and I’m over it.”
I dropped my gaze to the table, avoiding Bailee’s narrowed eyes.
“Stell, I’ve watched you pine over that man for years. And cry over him when you got drunk enough.”
“That was once. And I was in my feelings about a lot of things at the time.”
“Right,” Bailee said, her mouth pulling down. “In your feelings after he married someone else. Even though I guess he’s available now—”
“He’s not. Believe me. And I know that.”
“You seem to know a lot,” she said with a chuckle. “Except why you didn’t drive straight to his house.”
“I know that too,” I mumbled, taking a sip from the mug.
“Of course you do,” Bailee said, slapping her hand on mine. “This would be none of my business if I weren’t your best friend, and I’ve held this back for a while.”
I looked up to Bailee chewing her bottom lip.
“Since when have you held back?” I scoffed. “Just say it,” I said, my stomach clenching as I braced myself, although I had an idea of what she would say.
“After Lee got married, you started freelancing all over the country like some corporate desperado.”
I sputtered my coffee.
“Corporate desperado?”
She squinted back at me.
“Weren’t you? You came in, fixed shit, never stayed long enough to form any attachments, and moved on. Can you remember a full week that you weren’t on the road in the past year?”
“Yes. Well, maybe a couple.” I shrugged.
“I told you to slow down, and you always promised you would right after whatever assignment you had was over. Yes, you told me about how your dad always wanted to travel and how you and Gary did that to honor his memory.”
She fell back in the chair with a deep sigh.
“I didn’t know your father. But I would guess when he said travel, he meant more tours in Greece or vineyards in Italy. Not a hotel room in a flyover state, working on a presentation all night.”
“I worked too much. You’ve told me that before, and I agree with you. That’s why I’m taking a break and staying close to home.”
“And I’m glad.” She nodded. “When you moved in with Zach, I thought you’d finally start slowing down.”
“I did, somewhat. But it wasn’t enough. I was too distracted to realize I was living with an asshole. We’ve had this discussion before and broke down all the epiphanies I’d had from a very shitty couple of months. I’m not sure what you could have held back.”
“I…” She trailed off, sucking in a long breath. “I don’t think a life on the road was only for your dad’s memory. Maybe for your brother, but I think you kept moving, then ended up with a guy you only got to know on the surface, so that you could keep yourself from looking back.”
“Looking back,” I repeated, narrowing my eyes at Bailee. “I don’t understand what you mean.”
“Looking back at the life you really wanted, with the guy who would never be yours. You accepted it in time, but you never really got over it. And I’ve always hated that for you.”
The sad pull in Bailee’s features matched my mother’s. I hated the identical looks of pity, but my history with Lee, especially since it was one-sided, was pretty pitiful.
“It’s not…” I started to say, trailing off as what Bailee said hit me. “I was never meant to be with Lee. And it’s not his fault. He never hurt me on purpose or led me on. It was a stupid fantasy I had in my head.”
“A stupid fantasy that is making you hesitate moving in with him, right?” Bailee pressed.
I wouldn’t mention the weird moments we’d had lately.
Lee had been confiding in me about a lot, the confessions turning our conversations heavy with all the emotions he’d finally let himself deal with after so long.
But for a split second, when he’d walked me to my car the last time I’d seen him, I’d sworn he was about to kiss me when his neighbor had interrupted us.
That look in his eyes and the deep, almost guttural rasp of his voice when he’d said he’d never let anyone hurt me had repeated on a torture loop in my head ever since.
But my mind had played tricks on me before when it came to Lee, and I was sure this was one of those times.
“I could never cut Lee off. We depend on one another, all three of us. It sounds silly, I know, but the way we met…he’s different from just a friend or a friend of my brother’s. He’s like family in a weird way. Other than the stupid fantasy.”
Bailee chuckled when I lifted my head.
“So I kept him in my life, but far enough away for a little self-preservation. Phone calls, visits, texts. I could handle those. But now, safe distance isn’t an option.”
“Not while you’re living in his house, no,” Bailee said with a sad laugh.
“He won’t be around every day, but enough to be in his space all the time, like my mother keeps saying. I’ll always have feelings for Lee, but I can’t fall for him like that again.”
“But you also can’t screw over the poor dude the day before he leaves on a road trip and back out.”
“Oh, I know.” I groaned, sifting a hand through my hair. “I committed, and I’ll see it through. I’m just scared of falling into bad habits. I said yes because I thought I could handle it. Now, I’m not so sure.”
“I get it, but maybe this will help. Living with him, or around him, may take the punch out of it. Trust me, it did when I got married and moved in with Carl. When you live together as long as we have, the bloom kinda comes off the rose.”
A laugh bubbled out of my chest, relaxing me for a minute.