Chapter 35
Chapter Thirty-Five
Bartimaeus
A fter tasting Belle, doubt crept into my heart. God save my accursed soul, one taste was enough to become addicted to her. A small taste containing enormous damage. How am I supposed to banish her from the realm of Man when all I want is to grab her and never let go?
I refused to look at her from the moment she came against my mouth. I knew one look would be enough and I would be lost in her. I’d sell out everything I believed in my whole life for her. I sought to banish her to oblivion, but it turned out she was my oblivion. How can I show my face at church now?
She rises from the hay and leaves the barn. I hurry after her, feeling my whole body ache as she moves away from me, and I watch her put her dress back on.
“Belle,” I call her name, but she won’t look at me. She goes back to her spot on the haystack outside the barn, looking silently at the sky, which has gone cold and is now filled with heavy grey clouds. A mirror of the storm raging inside me. I sit next to her and try to get her talking. “Talk to me,” I ask.
“Nothing to say,” she sharply replies.
“There’s plenty to say. Please tell me I’m not the only one going crazy here.”
“That wasn’t the plan.” She looks at me suspiciously. Does she feel what I feel, and is afraid to admit it aloud?
“And what if they’re wrong? What if we’re wrong? What if Lilith keeps reincarnating into the lands of Adam not to bring the end upon us, but to find her redemption? What if she keeps coming back here because she hasn’t yet found what she’s looking for?”
She wrinkles her brow, apparently deliberating with herself on what to say. “And you think her redemption lies in what’s happening between us?”
I empty my thoughts to gather up the courage to blurt out what my heart commands me to say. “What if all she wants is for someone to dare to acknowledge her and love her?”
She seems furious at the possibility. “Don’t lust for love, Bar!”
“I don’t know what that is, damn it!” I yell at her.
“We don’t have time to figure it out!” she shouts back.
“Then prove me wrong. Prove to me that there’s nothing between us.” She scorches me with her gaze, but I can’t not confront her with her feelings. I refuse to believe I’m the only one who feels the connection between us. And I know with all my heart that there’s a deeper meaning to it. Something like this couldn’t exist for no reason.
“Will you sell your soul to the Devil?” she asks in a bloodcurdling tone.
“He’s not the only one involved, but I assume you already know that.”
She looks away. I have no doubt she knows what I mean. As far as we know, Lilith was never gifted with healing and defensive abilities, Lilith never shed tears, Lilith never consorted with divinity. What if God is bestowing His love upon her, what if that’s what He wishes for her? What if…?
“So like them, you put the blame on your God?”
I shake my head. “I thank Him for the gifts He’s bestowed upon me. I know there’s a reason I was sent to you. You were meant to be mine.”
She studies my face and nods slowly. “If you’re offering your soul, get ready to face what comes next.” She rises up and straddles me. Her body’s like a magnet, and I place my hands on her exposed thighs.
Her skin is burning. Not like the frozen bodies of the demons whose blood I took to pollute my body. It burns in my hands, ignites my own skin. I feel the heat soak into me, seeping into my veins and pooling between my legs.
Her eyes become white circles, so pure they’re almost transparent. Her pupils expand and her lips part, causing her fangs to peek out. There’s an agonizing pulse between my legs, and then another one, and I almost come just looking at her. God forgive me for my sins, I feel I’m still drowning.
“Belle,” I grunt her name as she leans towards me.
I close my eyes, my lips part expectantly, but they remain untouched and I feel disappointment wash over me. I want to be close to her, to sample her intoxicating taste that still stings my lips, but then I feel her fangs pierce my neck. “Belle!” I tighten my grip on her thighs and she grunts into my neck with heartbreaking neediness, and I can’t not respond to her. She clings to me and moves her hips, and my cock almost explodes in my jeans.
“More,” she whines, and I feel wetness on my neck. She’s crying. She’s draining my blood and she’s crying. Fuck.
“Take it, sweetheart, take everything you need,” I moan, accepting what’s coming as she increases the pace of her thrusts on top of me.
I’d always loathed everything that devilry represented. I was educated not to take the Lord’s name in vain, to go to church every Sunday, to say grace before meals. I was educated to pray before bedtime, to believe that holiness is a goal that’s difficult to reach, but that redemption is the ultimate prized destination. In that lies the truth, true happiness, the longed-for destiny. But now, when the most damned of them all rubs herself on my cock, her taste still floating as a haunted remnant on my tongue, my head full of filthy, smutty thoughts while I willingly give the Devil my sacred blood, I can’t remember what the point of any of it was in my entire meaningless life.
It’s a total loss of sensation.
It’s sin.
It’s corruption.
It’s perfect.
Belle’s perfect.
And I want her all to myself.
I know we have to get out of here as soon as possible. Ellis has gone back to the Church and he’ll update them on everything that happened tonight. The Pope will instruct all one hundred and twenty platoons of the Holy Army to rush here the first chance he gets. Belle won’t be able to stand against thousands of angels. And even if she could, I don’t want any of them to be hurt. Damn it, that would be cruel. Deadly. It’d be a fucking bloodbath. But I can’t gather the strength to pull her away from my neck. Not even when my vision goes blurry, not even when I lose feeling in my fingertips and legs.
“Belle,” I struggle to say her name. I try to jostle her shoulder to wake her from the ecstasy she’s experiencing, but my hands won’t obey me.
I fall back and feel my soul emptying out. My eyes turn cloudy, seeing only darkness, seeing only black.
“Bar?” Belle finally detaches from me, and now, as she notices my body’s nothing more than a still corpse, she rocks me savagely trying to wake me.
But I don’t have the strength. All I want to do is close my eyes and give my body back to my creator. If He’ll have me. But even if I burn in Hell for my sins, I swear it was worth it. Because I know that God himself longs to get his hands on Belle. He wants what she is, an entity no one can have. Besides me, the lucky son of a bitch who’s about to say farewell to the realm of Man.