32~ The Uncomfortable Talk
I was working in the kitchen when Adhyay had called me. He sounded worried, which made me tense as well. I have started to understand him,as if his emotions are mine. Just by hearing his voice, I can feel what he is feeling.
It is weird and new for me. This is something exciting as well as terrifying. I do love him but sometimes I get scared that maybe I'll lose myself. The men I have witnessed in my life were cheaters and giving Adhyay my heart makes me scared of the fact that he might do the same to me.
I am not ready for another betrayal. By much difficulty I have taken a step to give our love a try, putting aside my insecurities for a while was not easy. Love is a difficult emotion, I wonder how people give up their hearts so easily and then cry over heartbreaks.
I daily think of my decision to abruptly ask him for marriage and wonder what he would think of me. Does he consider me as a gold digger or a woman who is selfish? I don't know but it hurts thinking this. What he thinks about me matters to me, he matters!
He is the only man I have given such an important place in my life. He is the one to whom I surrendered my heart in hope that he would not crumble it into pieces. Betrayal hurts and when it comes from the person you loved the most, it kills you.
My mother is a living testimony to the statement. She did her everything to make her relationship work but when the other person doesn't want to keep aside the differences and solve everything peacefully, it's not possible.
Wrapping up everything for the day and checking on my mumma, I retired to my room and checked my mails. The book signing event is coming soon and it is just a few days after mumma's surgery.
I don't want to leave her alone and go but I can't step back from my commitment and it's advertised so much that if I disagree at the last moment, the audience will just hate me!
Sometimes I wish I could have continued my job in the firm and live a simple life as an engineer. There would be no celebrity-like moments, no stress, no embarrassment for saying something in front of people and a simple life.
I love writing, it's a way of relieving stress but the expectations of people, my readers, they make me scared. I don't want to disappoint anyone, I don't want anyone to hate me for acting rude. That's how I am!
That is my coping mechanism. If I feel sad, I shout, I know how to take a stand but people just misunderstand me, they think I'm egoist but in reality, I am not. I never had a perfect family, friends,people who would support me and a father's hand.
No matter how much mumma tries to fill the void of a father, it exists.
I also want a father who would hold my hand and support me, I want my dad to smile proudly at my achievements, I want a family just like Adhyay's.
But I have none. In the end, I am just the daughter of a manwhore. I am just a mistake in everyone's life.
I may have earned a name but from inside, I am crumbling.
My mother is in serious state, my relation is fucked up, I can't concentrate on a single thing and I just want to sleep forever.
I don't want to live like this, fearing that people will know my father's reality and blame me, call me names and disgrace me.
I don't want Adhyay to think how useless I am, how mannerless I can turn into and I am not the person he thinks I am.
Sighing, I laid on my cosy bed thinking about my life but my phone ran yet again. I knew it was him because at that time we couldn't talk because of the network.
I lifted the call and let out a tired hi. I heard him saying 'hi' too but it sounded as if he was really sad.
"What happened?", I asked and heard him taking a deep breath through the other side.
Something was serious I knew, his voice depicted it. He always remains happy but today he is sounding so dejected which hurts me.
"I-I wanted to tell you something", he murmured nervously and my suspicion rose. Sitting up, I asked, "What is it? Do you have a second girlfriend?"
I tried to joke and then laughed awkwardly at my attempt. It was stupid! I am just embarrassing myself by saying idiotic things.
"W-what? N-no! Why would you say that?" His voice came from the other side and I wanted to bury myself. I always do such things!
"I was kidding", I awkwardly said and laughed to cover it up but all my attempts were futile. I had already embarrassed myself in front of him.
"I know", he said and let out a laugh forcefully. I don't know how I will face him after this event. It is just so embarrassing.
"Umm Akriti?"
"Hmm", I hummed, asking him to go further. I was eager to know what is troubling him and maybe I could help him.
"Do you like kids?", he asked, shocking me to the core? Kids? Where did this question come from? Why would he ask about kids?
"I like kids, but why do you ask?", I answered.
"Umm s-so, i-it's something like this. Akriti, I met a small girl named Amayra in an orphanage. She is really cute and amazing. It's just I like her a lot and I- I want to adopt her", he said so quickly that it took time for me to understand what he was talking about.
As soon as I got the context, my mouth fell wide open.
Adoption? He wants to adopt a baby girl and we are not married.
He needs my permission? How did he come to know that even I wanted to adopt a baby?
But isn't it too early for us now? My mother is already in a critical condition and taking care of a child is not easy. I am ready to adopt a baby but not now.
"Look Adhyay, you are a nice person but I don't think I am ready for this. Our marriage and whatever is between us is happening because of life situations, and between all this, a child is a big responsibility especially when it is not ours", I explained trying not to come off as rude.
"I understand, thank you so much for listening", he said and abruptly disconnected the call, fuelling my anger.
I just presented my opinion and he- he just hung me up?
He is misinterpreting me! I never denied to adopt a baby did I?
I just said that we can think about it later when everything calms down.
How difficult men are to understand? It doesn't work like that!
If he didn't like what I said, he should have explained his point of view to me!
I am not a mind reader that I will know everything he thinks.
All men are stupid, no matter how decent they look and act. I never expected this from Adhyay, he always tries to understand things and talk maturely but what he did today was bad and it pricked my heart.
I furiously unlocked my phone and opened the messenger app and typed away in capital letters, "DR. ADHYAY, THIS IS NOT DONE. COME AND TALK TO ME TOMORROW. WE ARE DISCUSSING IT PROPERLY"
I pressed the send sign and waited for him to reply. The message was read as soon as I sent him and then it showed that he was typing.
I patiently tapped my feet and then a message popped saying, "It's fine Akriti, I respect your decision. You can cancel the wedding".
I fisted my hands seeing his message, anger gushing through my veins by the audacity of this man to say such things and I typed, "DON'T RUN AWAY LIKE A COWARD YOU STUPID! AND I'M NOT CANCELLING THE WEDDING, ARE YOU MAD?"
In a second another message popped in saying, "FINE MISS TIWARI, LET'S MEET TOMORROW AND SORT IT OUT".
I huffed at the capital letters and decided not to say something that will worsen the situation. Is he seriously taking me as the villain of his life?
Another day of updating before the vote target