Chapter 18
REMI
The graveyard is closed, but that’s not where Remi likes to talk to Anna most.
There’s a soccer field near Anna’s parents’ house. They used to spend all of their free time there. Running drills and laps around the complex. Making out during water breaks.
This was their place.
Remi’s chest feels lighter as she pulls into the parking lot.
She’s glad to see there’s an adult league going on.
The front two fields are lit up by floodlights.
She rolls down her window to better hear the familiar shouts of players and the thunk of kicked soccer balls.
She breathes deeper, slowly cruising past, before driving further into the parking lot.
There’s an overflow field in the back that is only used during tournaments.
Anna and Remi parked in the same place every time they came here.
It’s far back enough from the main fields that they never had to fight anyone for the spots.
Which is a good thing because these two spaces are the only ones protected by the shade of an old oak tree.
They deeply appreciated that tree on scorching hot summer days.
Remi pulls into her spot, taking a moment to stare at Anna’s empty one.
With a deep breath, she pushes open the door and makes the slow trek to the center of the field.
The grass is lit by the light glow of moonlight.
The faded white lines make her smile. The complex only maintains the paint on the fields that are used regularly.
Anna and Remi used to argue relentlessly over whether or not the ball crossed the goal line when they scrimmaged because it was so hard to tell.
Remi drops to her butt in the middle of the center circle.
She sets her hands down at her sides, letting the grass tickle her fingers.
There’s a faint breeze that blows strands of her hair.
Closing her eyes, she lets her mind wander through a hundred memories of Anna and herself training and laughing together on this very field.
Remi exhales and opens her eyes.
“Hey, Anna.” The corner of her mouth tilts up. She can imagine Anna sitting beside her. Her short ponytail of straight blonde hair. The brightness in her hazel eyes. Her lean frame as she sits with her arms draped across her knees.
Remi’s heart twists painfully.
“I’m sorry. So, so fucking sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am. For forgetting yesterday. For picking that fight with you. For yelling at you to go home. For not being more supportive of you. For, well … for everything.
“I know I’ve apologized for all of this before. And I’ll continue apologizing because, even though I’ve said it a thousand times, it still doesn’t feel like it’s enough. It’ll never be enough.”
Remi pauses, taking a deep, steadying breath.
“Elena asked me something I’ve never thought about before. She said if the roles were reversed, would I want you to spend your life punishing yourself? I didn’t tell her this, but I didn’t have to hesitate. I knew my answer immediately. And, no, I wouldn’t want that.”
Tears well in her eyes. She picks at a strand of grass. She forces herself to look up and face the memory of Anna directly in the eye.
Anna looks back at her in that same calm and attentive way she always would when Remi rambled about everything from her hopes and dreams to her fears and insecurities. No judgement. No pity. Nothing but curiosity, like every word out of Remi’s mouth was important to her.
“If roles were reversed, I’d want you to go to FSU and kick ass,” Remi says. “I’d want you to make the national team. I’d want you to win an Olympic gold medal and win a damn World Cup.
“I’d want you to make your every dream a reality, to reap the rewards of all your training and sacrifice. I’d want you to have an amazing group of friends, people you could really count on because life is hard and the people you surround yourself with make all the difference.
“I’d want you and Elena’s friendship to be rock solid. For her to be someone you can grieve with and who will help you in your healing journey like she’s been there for me with mine. And, most importantly, I’d want you to find someone special. Someone who makes you feel … what Paige makes—”
Her voice cracks, and she needs a second.
“What Paige makes me feel,” Remi finishes as tears streak down her face. Droplets fall onto her leg, and she smears them in an attempt to wipe them off. She focuses on her breathing, as she allows herself the space to slowly regain her composure.
“Ugh, shit, Anna, you would really like her,” Remi says with a breathless laugh.
There’s no doubt in her mind about it.
“She’s thoughtful and sweet and generous and intelligent, and she’s …
good. So good.” Remi wipes another tear from her cheek, blowing out a shuddering breath.
“It would hurt like hell, but, yes, I’d want you to find someone good.
Someone who makes you happy. And we both know you were always a better person than me,” Remi teases, since that was the ongoing joke between them and Elena, “so I know you’d want the same for me.
Probably even more, but I don’t know. What’s better than winning a World Cup? ”
In her mind, Anna playfully rolls her eyes, and Remi grins.
“I’ll never forgive myself,” she admits, growing serious once again. “But I think I need to listen to my therapist and start taking intentional steps toward no longer punishing myself.”
Anna’s face softens.
“And, speaking of her, I think it’s time I make an appointment.”
Anna gives me her a you think? face accompanied by a little snort. And then, if Anna was really here, she’d also add, “I’m proud of you, Rem.”
Anna was a superstar on and off the soccer field, and Remi would never let her forget it. Anna, likewise, was always finding opportunities to hype up Remi and tell her how proud she was of her. Even if Remi didn’t always feel like she deserved it.
“Yeah.” Another tear falls down Remi’s cheek. “Definitely going to email her in the morning.”
Remi sits there a little while longer in peaceful silence, before finally pushing to her feet. “Okay,” she whispers, because she never knows how to end these conversations with Anna.
Until next time, she thinks, then turns around.
Remi’s steps are the tiniest bit lighter as she crosses the field to her car. She’s been staring at her feet so it’s not until she crosses the touchline that the sight of a second car parked next to hers, on the opposite side of where Anna always parked, stops her in her tracks.
There’s a woman standing in front of the car, sitting on the hood. Remi squints, recognition tickling her brain, but it’s too dark to be sure. She takes another couple steps forward, and her heart leaps.
“Paige?”
“Hey, Remi.” She pushes off her car, her forehead furrowed.
“Don’t be mad at Elena, but I figured out what yesterday was and called her to check on you since she wouldn’t tell me anything earlier.
” She picks at the skin on the side of her thumb.
“She said it wasn’t her place to—but I forced her to tell me.
Especially after she confessed you left the apartment and she was worried about you. ”
“But I didn’t tell her where I was going,” Remi says.
“No, I know.” Paige ducks her head. “Elena said she had no idea since the graveyard was closed, but then I remembered how many of your stories with Anna happened here, and I took a guess.” She winces.
“I can totally go though, if this is overstepping? I’m not trying to push.
I just want to be here for you like you always are for me, and I know you have a hard time sharing things about Anna because of the way girls in the past reacted, so I—”
Remi crosses the space between them in five long strides and pulls Paige into her arms. Paige’s words cut off, her body momentarily stiff before she wraps them around Remi in a crushing embrace.
“I’m so sorry I made you miss yesterday,” Paige whispers.
Remi tugs Paige back to look her square in the eye. “Don’t you dare, Princess. That’s not on you,” she says. “That was all me. And I should be the one apologizing to you. I’m so sorry I missed dinner with your parents. I feel like shit I’m the reason you had to put off coming out to them.”
“Don’t be,” Paige says with a wry smile. “I came out to them tonight.”
“You did?” Her eyes widen. “How did it go?”
“Better than I could’ve ever expected.” Paige’s grin is infectious.
“I want to hear everything, but can we talk more about it at home?” Remi glances down at her crusty and wrinkly button-down. “I need a warm shower and a change of clothes.”
Paige strokes Remi’s cheek with her thumb. “Of course. Come on.”
“Wait.” Remi grabs Paige’s hand when she turns to go. Paige looks at her expectantly. Remi pulls her in for a kiss; Paige’s lips move against hers with the ease of familiar intimacy. It’s soft and slow and makes Remi warm all over.
“Now we can go,” she whispers against Paige’s lips.
Paige gives Remi one final peck and moves toward her car. Remi looks over her shoulder at the field, giving the center circle one last look and a small nod.
Then she follows Paige.