6. Maricela
“Mari,” Raven whispers.
The hurt on her face is clear as day.
I close my eyes for a moment and take a deep breath.
“I understand you’re trying to protect me, but I’m not important. Not now. Connie and Amado are the only ones who matter right now. They are. So, if you’re going to fight, get out and away from this room. Okay?”
Raven nods and leaves the room, but not before kissing Amado’s cheek and smiling warmly at the scary man who looks nothing like his brothers.
“Maricela.” I don’t respond to his voice.
I don’t know how long I can last, how long I can not look at him or search for his expensive scent.
How long I can pretend to not notice how good he looks in his suit or think about how his allergy to shirts was apparently solved without me being there to tease him about it.
It doesn’t matter.
The little girl crying quietly and refusing to let go of me is keeping me sane. I won’t let anyone hurt her. From the moment she came into existence, I needed her safety more than anything.
I wasn’t there when Amado came to take part in my heart, but only one look, and I know I have a purpose again. Their safety and security are the new goals that life has given me.
I had hoped never to come back here, and certainly not under the circumstances I refuse to think about. However, I have a purpose now. To keep these two kids safe.
Finally, they listen and all file out. I take a while to acknowledge the fourth presence in this room, but I don’t have to speak because he does.
“Ladybug.”
Maddox, his brother, leans toward Connie, who’s still sitting on my lap, hugging me so fiercely that I can barely breathe.
“They’re gone. It’s okay now. You know that nobody is mad at you, right?”
“Uncle Killian is bad like Daddy?”
“Am I bad?” Maddox asks her in return.
She shakes her head, making him smile.
Maddox has a beautiful smile, just like his. Secretive dimples appear on his ragged face, and I can see how this man is his brother.
They are one and the same, no matter how different they look. The same ominous edge comes from this man in waves. He’s definitely as bad as him, if not more.
“Look at me, Ladybug.”
She does, finally releasing me. Her clear blue eyes are huge, just like his. She looks at me as if saying, without words, it’s okay, this one is safe. I let her go to him and hold my arms out to take the little bundle, who is now half asleep on his uncle’s shoulder. He gives me the baby.
Amado.
I will have time to think about all I’ve missed later.
Connie takes the necessary steps to reach Maddox, and he hugs her tightly. Maddox’s existence was known to me for years. I didn’t think he would ever get out of prison or that I would get to meet him, but I knew about his existence because his father was not smart enough to hide him from the media. Everyone has heard of the business king’s bastard son.
The man in front of me has no resemblance to his half-brothers. Maddox looks like he popped out of a bad cartel series.
The handsome and attractive character who gets everyone in trouble. His bald head is almost shiny under the fluorescent lights in the room, and the scars on his skin are ugly and visible. But he doesn’t try to hide who he is, and that in itself adds to his attractiveness.
Not like him—the man who arrived in a tailored suit that hugged his body and hid all the tattoos underneath.
No, I can’t think of him.
He’s not a part of my life. He never should have been, and I refuse to give him that power over me again.
“Do you want me to lay you on the bed? Or do you want to stay in my arms?” Maddox asks Connie, who is yawning now, no doubt from fatigue and stress.
“Bed, but don’t go.”
The man nods and puts her down with a gentleness that doesn’t match his appearance in any way.
“Aunt Fairy,” Connie turns to me, an enormous yawn overtaking her angelic face and making all her perfect features seem almost comical.
“Yes, Little Angel?”
“Why do you call me that?”
“Because when you were born, you looked like a little angel,” I tell her honestly.
“But I’m a girl, not an angel. Angels are important.”
“You’re important too. The most important in the world.”
“That’s why you came back?”
I nod silently.
“Can you sing me another song?” I nod again and start a song that’s unsuitable for her age in any way.
A song that I’ve heard repeatedly about the return of a broken woman to a place that was always her home. And even when she knew it wasn’t right to come back after all she did, she returned with her dignity broken.
“You sing so pretty,” she says, yawning again.
“Sleep, Little Angel, just sleep.”
“‘Kay.”
Another yawn, this one more peaceful, takes over once again.
I continue to sing about returning home despite the sins and the terrible things that have been done.
Every word I add to Estrella Morente’s song has the little angel relaxing more and more until her eyes eventually close and her breathing steadies.
“Killian left,” Maddox proclaims in what I can only guess is amazement on his part.
“My brother left and didn’t use his ‘I hold all of you in under my thumb’ card. Are you a witch?”
I knew it was coming, but I didn’t think it would come from this tough guy. I don’t know him. Nor do I want to know him. So, I don’t answer or speak. I just hum under my breath.
“You are beautiful, just as I heard you were. Extremely so.”
If I had the strength to speak up, I would. I don’t.
“He spoke about you, you know? Every single fucking time he came to see me, he spoke about you.”
This doesn’t change anything, but I don’t say it.
“He had to do it, you know? My life was on the line. Isabella’s as well.”
Maddox pauses, probably in an attempt to gauge my reaction. I give him nothing.
“Raven was under the same threat. She doesn’t know it, though.”
Undeterred by my silence, he goes on. “She hasn’t spoken to him for four fucking years. His most beloved person on this planet doesn’t speak to him a year before her impending marriage.”
“To a man she hates.” Fuck. My fucking mouth.
“There you are. And I thought you were a completely broken doll. You have more fire in you than you’re willing to admit.”
I shake my head. “I don’t understand,” I admit now.
“You don’t know me. No matter what he told you about me, you don’t know me at all. This is the first time you’ve ever set eyes on me. Yet you’re not angry on his behalf, not like him or his friends. I saw how Liam looked at me.”
Maddox grins at that, and fuck, he’s a picture worth taking. Everything about him is alive, moving, expressive, mesmerizing. Maddox Fierro is hypnotic.
“His name is Killian. Say his name. It will make things easier for you.” I glare at Maddox, and he chuckles in a quiet rumble, just like his brother. “I’ve known people like you. Not everyone who goes to prison is a monster, you know. Some get there by accident.”
“Like you?” I stare at a dot on the wall until it turns black.
“No, little beauty. I’m the fucking Boogeyman. Not all people are. Those who go to jail because of self-defense aren’t.”
“I wasn’t in jail, so how can you compare me to other people? I’ll remind you again. You don’t know me.”
“Yeah, but you have that same look in your eyes.”
I don’t dare to ask him what he sees, but I get an answer nonetheless.
“A look of emptiness and loss,” he says. “I don’t know what happened to you, but you’re still here, your heart still beats, and your blood still flows. Fight for yourself. Go into a brutal battle for what you need before it’s too late.”
I want to tell him there’s nothing left to fight for. I might have some power left, but it doesn’t belong to me. Any power I hold makes its own choices, choosing to channel outward for the people who were there for me.
Maddox is right, though. I must go into battle, but not for myself. Personally, I have nothing left to fight for, but I can fight for these children.
I’ll never understand why my friends haven’t given up on me, why they love me, but I’m in debt to them, and as my sister said, I’ll pay my debts with whatever I have left in me.
Maddox shakes his head. “That decision that passed through your eyes was wrong, but it’s a start. You’ll pick up your pieces. People like you don’t break, no matter how many times others try to demolish their souls. You’re not a victim.”
“I’m starting to think you’re the one who’s a witch.”
“Nah. I’m just an observer, Beauty. But I understand because some lowlifes may have tried to make me a victim as well, more than once. All I knew in my life was to fight, but I had Killian, Liam, and Kai.”
Hearing his name is like a blow, but Maddox doesn’t give me time to deflect before he continues.
“Killian left the room willingly because you asked him to. I watched him from the moment he saw you in this room, and you know what I saw?”
“You’ll tell me, no doubt.”
His chuckle is deep, shooting like a rare weapon to the heart or the panties of women.
“I saw the brother who came to jail to see me, knowing that his father would punish him for doing so. I saw a man who loves more fiercely than anyone because his feelings are so big that no one can detect them. I saw how he wanted to punish you for leaving him, to make you stay by force, and I saw fear. It’s the first time Killian Fierro was ever afraid, as far as I know. Afraid because he might lose you again, the only person he’s ever loved without reservations.”
I rub a gentle hand over Amado’s back as he cuddles against my breasts and closes his eyes while turning my back to Maddox to stare out the hospital window, seeing nothing. But again, he’s not deterred and continues.
“I know love. I went to jail because of love, and even there, I’ve never seen such a strong man crumble under a single order as Killian did for you.”
My dead heart beats in my ears. Each word from this brother that I never gave much importance to has the little girl inside me lifting her head and smiling. But she can’t come out. Her time is over.
“I don’t think we’re speaking about the same man. He has nothing to get back. Nothing is left of the woman in front of you.”
“You’re wrong, but I’ll let you find out for yourself.”
He kisses Connie’s head, looks at Amado, smiles a full, dimpled smile that makes me ache, and leaves me with the kids.
“Du...du...” Amado calls.
Amado.
“When I get older, and I’m a mom, I’ll name my first son Amado.”
“Don’t you think that’s a stupid name? Kids will laugh at him.”
Serena doesn’t look at me. All her attention is on my wound today. He was extra brutal this time. I hope I won’t have scars. I usually don’t. He’s good at what he does.
“I’ll call him Amado because then everyone will know that he’s the most loved person in the world. I’ll never hit him or yell at him, and you’ll be the best aunt in the world, just like you are the best sister in the world. I love you, Serena.”
“I took your father and mother. It’s fair that you took my dream away. So don’t worry. I’ll love him with all that’s left in me. I’ll love both of them,” I whisper, my promise echoing in the room witnessed by two kids.
Amado is a mix of Serena and me. While my heterochromia is a mix of blue and green, his is even more unusual, with his skin as tan as mine and his eyes round just like his mother’s. His left eye pops with green, although his eyes are predominantly brown. His lips are just as wide as Serena’s. Even his smile is just like hers.
“Can I come in?” Ronen asks from the doorway.
“Maddox told me she’s asleep.” I nod, and Ronen steps farther into the room. “God, this baby looks just like you. I never believed Sunny when she told me he was your copy, but he is.”
“He looks like his mother. She was my sister, you know.”
Was. The word echoes in my head on a loop. She was my sister, and she is no more.
Ronen tilts his head. “You’re allowed to mourn her. I certainly won’t, but you’re allowed to hurt. She was a big part of your life.”
I sigh. “I don’t know how to feel, Ronen.”
“And that’s fine. The feelings will come with time. But it comes in stages.”
“No. You don’t understand. My ability to feel was ripped away from me in the most brutal way. Everything is gone. Feelings are something I don’t understand anymore. Hating Serena should be automatic. It isn’t. Loving her, forgiving her, mourning her, it’s all unsustainable. It’s empty here. I’m empty.”
I glance at the children. “I think I love them with what’s left of me, but maybe it isn’t love at all.”
“You’re still in there,” Ronen insists.
“The warrior in you is still there. The woman who chose to show the truth to the world and spend time in the most dangerous places is not a woman who doesn’t know how to feel. You’ve been protecting yourself all these years, and that’s okay, sweetie.”
We don’t talk for the longest time and instead just sit here watching the kids. Existing in a safe place for just a bit longer.
Connie even sleeps like he does, her hands in the air, taking up all the space of the bed.
“Killer, you take up too much space. Move a little.” I push him unsuccessfully. He’s too heavy.
“People like me take up space.” His arms come around me, and he pulls me over him, kissing me, effectively shutting me up.
The memory hits me like a brick. The Fierro family took three years from my life. Nothing more, nothing less. And I did all in my power not to think about them these past few years.
Not to think about him.
Now, when I know he’s outside this door, it all returns to me, and I can’t breathe. The walls are closing on me. The mint and spices I refused to acknowledge up to this moment suffocate me.
“You will break. You will break. Fuck, you feel good. My son found himself a good cunt! Your blood will soak this place, this room. Whore. You’re just a whore.” A slap to the face follows, and more blood. So much blood.
“Du...du...da...da...da...”
“He loves your hair. It’s the only thing he didn’t get from you.”
I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe.
“Mari, sweety. Are you here?”
I nod, or I think I do.
“You need to tell him.”
“Tell me what?” The man with the voice I dreamed about during the hardest nights of my life asks.
I could never tell him what was done to me.
Most of all, I could never tell him what I did to him.