3. Bless
CHAPTER 3
BLESS
S ince I had the morning to myself, I decided to go sit with my grandmother. Because she was getting older, her health was declining. She wasn’t able to move around like she used to. My older sister, Sky, didn’t have kids, so she had been picking up the slack more than I had been able to. But now that Legacy was back in town, I was happy to be able to help more often since his plan was to get the kids during the week and every other weekend.
When I pulled up to my grandmother’s house in Jeffery Manor, I smiled when I saw my sister’s car. I hurried out of my Kia, enjoying the relief of not having three kids to tow. Although Legacy had been visiting during the last few years, it was only once, maybe twice, a month, when he could manage to get away from his duties at Legacy Protection Solutions.
“NaNa? Sky?” I called out as I entered my grandmother’s house with my key.
“Hey, Bless!” I heard my sister shout. “We’re in the kitchen.”
Since my grandmother’s three-bedroom home was modest, I was able to see NaNa and my sister sitting at the table in the small kitchen, staring oddly at my mother, who was standing over a boiling pot on the stove.
The closer I got to the kitchen, a foul aroma nearly suffocated me, causing me to frown and cough.
“Hey, y’all,” I greeted as I crept into the kitchen wearing a curious, disgusted glare. My questioning, cat-like eyes bounced between NaNa and Star’s judgmental, humored expressions to my mother’s diligence at the stove.
“What is she doing?” I muttered into NaNa’s ear as I bent down and kissed her on the cheek.
NaNa grunted deeply, accompanied with a chuckle. “Chile…”
As I moved over and hugged Sky, she laughed along with NaNa.
“Y’all laughing and shit, but watch how this shit works.” Pam, my mother, didn’t even turn around to look at us as she scoffed while rolling her neck.
“That shit ain’t gon’ work!” NaNa snorted.
“And it stinks!” Sky exclaimed with a bellowing laugh that NaNa couldn’t help but mimic to the point that she was doubling over.
Still watching them curiously, I sat next to NaNa who was now hacking from laughing so hard. I patted her back and then started to rub it. “What is she cooking?” I asked, my disgusted frown deepening.
NaNa forced out a few words between a combination of coughs and laughs that were bringing her to tears. “Ask her.”
“What are you cooking, Pam?”
Sucking her teeth, she turned, giving me a confident, matter-of-fact glare. “I decided to try a herbal cleanse I found online to help me detox from alcohol. But you can’t trust everything on the internet, so I made a few changes–"
“’Cause she know more than Google!” Sky sarcastically interjected before cracking up again.
My mother rolled her eyes as NaNa was so tickled that her head fell back.
“I thought I could enhance the effectiveness of the cleansing recipe by adding a few extra ingredients,” Pam added loudly over their laughter.
Sky and NaNa’s laughter was so infectious that I couldn’t help but join in.
“Fuck y’all. Now, when it works and I get sober, I’m going to sell this shit and get rich.”
That only caused our laughter and chuckles to explode into cackles, slaps on the table, and real tears.
Pam sucked her teeth and turned back towards the stove. “Fuck y’all.”
NaNa and I held on to each other, laughing so hard that we could hardly stay in our seats.
We had gotten many laughs like this from Pam, but we often laughed to keep from crying. NaNa had taken custody of me and Sky when we were toddlers. My mother had always suffered from bipolar disorder. As a child, there were subtle signs that something wasn't quite right with Pam. She had little quirks and behaviors that set her apart from other kids. Around the age of fifteen, my grandparents started to see changes in my mother’s behavior. Pam was having erratic mood swings. One minute, she would be laughing and joking and the next, she would be withdrawn and irritable for no apparent reason. NaNa said that it was like walking on eggshells around her, never knowing which version of Pam they would get from one moment to the next. There were days when she would be so full of energy, bouncing off the walls. But then, there were days when she could barely get out of bed, bogged down by an overwhelming sense of disinterest and gloom. Then there were the times when Pam’s thoughts raced a mile a minute, jumping from one topic to the next with no rhyme or reason. She would talk a mile a minute, her words tumbling out in a jumble of ideas and associations that left everyone struggling to keep up. As Pam got older, the most telling symptom was her inability to maintain stable relationships. She would go through cycles of intense closeness followed by periods of isolation and withdrawal, leaving everyone around her feeling confused and abandoned.
Back then, NaNa’s community wasn’t as aware of mental health issues. Many people assumed that my mother was just a bad or an “off” kid. It wasn't until Pam got to high school that a counselor suggested that she was bipolar. However, my grandparents didn’t believe in the “white man’s diseases and medicine”. So, they never got Pam the help she needed. That left her to wreak havoc everywhere she went, especially in my grandmother’s home. Pam never moved out because she could never maintain employment. As she got older, her symptoms became more severe. She started to deal with them and the aftermath they caused, with alcohol. She began to drink so much, often losing track of time and blacking out, that she had no idea who had gotten her pregnant with me or Sky. By the time I turned three years old, my mother was an alcoholic. She was hardly home to take care of me and Sky, who was five years old, which left my grandparents to raise us.
Over the years, Pam’s addiction and mental health worsened. She would disappear for days or weeks at a time. When my grandpa died a few years ago, she started making attempts to sober up, which failed every time because they were always some off-the-wall, at-home remedies since she didn’t believe in doctors or the “white man’s medicine” either.
“Y’all are laughing now, but you’ll be proud of me when I’m walking around sober than a motherfucka,” Pam slurred as she turned off the stove.
“This heffa is drunk right now.” NaNa chuckled.
Pam waved off NaNa’s accusation. “I saw something online about some herbs that will help you get pregnant, Sky. I’m gon’ hook you up.”
“No, thank you,” Sky quickly spit.
“I’m telling you this shit works,” Pam insisted as she stirred the boiling pot. “You don’t need it, though,” she said as she looked back at Sky. “You’ll be pregnant soon. I saw it in a dream.”
Sky groaned, covering her face. “Oh God, here we go.”
“Even though I don’t want you having no baby by JayShawn…” She snarled.
“Pam, don’t start that weird shit!” I snapped.
“He ain’t shit,” she insisted, shaking her head. “I saw that in a dream too.”
Before I could protest, my sister raised a hand to get my attention. “Ignore her crazy ass,” she told me.
I could only shake my head. I was unsure of whether my mother’s constant insistence that she could see the future was because of her bipolar disorder or Hennessy.
“Taste it, Pam,” NaNa taunted her while wearing a disgusted scowl.
Pam cockily shrugged as she scooped some of the liquid into the large spoon that she had been stirring with. She then carefully brought it to her lips and blew it until it was cool enough to consume. As the liquid touched her lips, her face contorted in disgust, but she forced herself to swallow. Despite her best efforts to hide it, Pam's disgust was written all over her face. She struggled to swallow it. Her nose wrinkled in distaste. Her lips pressed together in a tight line as she fought to keep the vile concoction down. Though her pride tried, there was no disguising the revulsion in her expression as she gagged.
“Ha!” I shouted, cackling.
NaNa's eyes twinkled with mischief as she watched Pam's reaction. A smile lifted the corners of NaNa’s lips as she tried to force back her chuckle. Sky couldn't contain her laughter. Her shoulders shook with amusement as she doubled over in a round of giggles. The sound of Pam's constant gagging sent me into a fit of uncontrollable laughter so hilarious that it sent me out of my chair and running out of the kitchen in tears.
The blaring ringtone of my Facetime calls interrupted my hysteria. I halted my quick footsteps in the living room and pulled my phone out of my pocket. When I saw that it was Raja, my heart shaped lips should have formed into a giddy, coy grin. But I could only force a half-hearted smile as I answered while sitting on the couch.
Although my smile was forced, Raja’s was genuine and beautiful, showing all perfect white, straight teeth through his luscious, full, dark beard as he gleamed at me, saying, “Hey, beautiful.”
Looking at such a gorgeous man, it was hard not to submit even though in my heart, I was resisting. “Hi,” I purred.
He sat back in his driver’s seat, putting his massive build on display. When I’d met Raja a few months ago at the grocery store, his size was the first thing to get my attention. He was a massive, dark-skinned man, similar to Legacy except he had long locs that hung down to his waist. “How are you enjoying your free day?”
I immediately began giggling again, thinking about my mother as NaNa and Sky’s continuous laughter escaped the kitchen. “It’s going good.”
Watching me chuckle made Raja’s grin grow. “What’s so funny?”
“My mother,” I said, shaking my head with a snicker.
“Oh okay.” He nodded, giving me an alluring, flirtatious gaze. “Do you have plans for tonight?”
“I’m supposed to have some plans with my sister,” I lied, hoping that my sister hadn’t heard me and would then bust me out.
“ Supposed to ?” Raja questioned with a raised brow.
“I need to confirm with her.”
“Why don’t you do that and get back with me? I want to spend some time with you.”
“Okay.”
“Cool. I’ll let you get back to your family. Hit me back.”
“I will.”
Licking his kissable lips, he gave me a wink before ending the call.
“Why are you lying to that fine-ass man?” I heard Sky blurt.
Groaning, I looked up. Watching her walk into the living room, I admired her long, flowing hair. She had gotten that straight hair from our mother. So, she was able to enjoy a silk press without worrying about the summer’s humidity.
“Because I don’t know if I feel like being bothered.”
Sky rolled her eyes as she sat on the loveseat. “It’s crazy how your lonely, celibate ass never feels like being bothered with a good man who seems genuinely interested in you.”
“I just started dating him. It hasn’t even been three months yet. We have no idea if he’s truly a good man or not.”
“Girl, men get the coochie without dates, especially one as fine as he is and who’s willing to court like Raja. He’s been courting you and you haven’t even let the man put the head in. And he still hasn’t pressured you and continues to court you. He’s a good man.”
“ Or ,” I pressed. “He likes the chase and plans to obliterate me the moment I let him get some.”
“Jesus,” Sky groaned.
I shrugged. “I don’t care. He just seems too perfect. What man does everything right?”
Sky groaned from her seat in front of the window. Shaking her head with disgust, she gave me a scolding glare with eyes that mirrored my own. “You gotta let go of that shit.”
“What shit?”
“The resentment you feel towards all men when there is only one man that hurt you.” As I rolled my eyes, she continued to scold me. “You’ve only loved and really dated one man in your entire life, but you’re letting what he did dictate how you treat all other men.”
When I broke up with Legacy, I was too pregnant and heartbroken to date. Then I was too emotionally detached and overwhelmed with being a single mother of three kids to be able to date. As time went on, I was able to date here and there. But I hadn’t met anyone who’d kept my attention for more than a few months. I was so tired of wasting my time with ain’t-shit niggas or men who I just didn’t feel or men who didn’t compare to Legacy that I gave up a year ago. I hadn’t had sex in a year. Raja was putting in work, and if I could just open my heart to him, I could move on and finally get me some. But something was holding me back.
“No, I’m not. I just don’t feel a genuine connection with Raja. Yes, he is fine—”
“ As fuck ,” Sky interrupted with a finger in the air. “Don’t forget to add the ‘as fuck.’”
I rolled my eyes. “Yes, he is fine as fuck—”
“Lord, yes, he is with his chocolate ass and those long locs, walking around looking like a thick, tall, football-built Black Jesus.”
My head tilted dramatically as I watched Sky swoon with her eyes closed. “Do you wanna fuck him?”
“If I wasn’t engaged I would since you ain’t giving that coochie up,” she sassed.
I narrowed my eyes at her. “Are you going to let me finish what I was saying?”
“Proceed with the bullshit that only you believe.” Sky gestured that I had the floor with a wave of her hand.
“Whatever, Sky!” I snapped with a humored scoff. “Forget it.”
“Don’t be mad at me because I see through your bullshit. Any other time you get a night without the kids, you go out with Raja, but now you’re making excuses because Legacy is back home for good and you’re in your feelings.”
My hands landed hard next to my thighs on the couch. “Of course, I’m in my feelings. It was easier when he was long distance. I didn’t have to see him on a regular basis. I had no idea if he had moved on or if he was sleeping with anyone because he was miles away. Now, he lives two minutes from my damn house. I don’t know if I can handle watching him move on.”
“That man respects you too much to throw a random woman in your face.”
“Random women don’t scare me. Obviously, he has yet to meet a woman who he takes seriously. But I’m scared for the moment that he does.” Even the thought made me cringe with heartache.
“Because then it would mean that things are really over between you two,” Sky suggested.
“Exactly.”
Sky’s expression changed from taunting to sympathetic. “If you care this much about him moving on, then you still want to be with him. All of this time that he was away, you still had feelings, but you thought it was because you hadn’t moved on. But maybe it was because you don’t want to move on without him.”
I slightly pouted. “Yeah, but I gotta move on. Too much damage has been done. We both hurt each other too much.”
Sky’s head tilted again as she gave me a telling look.
“What?” I pressed through her silence.
“You know that’s not the reason why.”
“It is.”
“Well, it’s not the only reason why. You won’t allow yourself to want to be with Legacy because you still haven’t told him the truth about Riley.”
My eyes whipped towards the kitchen to ensure that NaNa and Pam hadn’t heard her. But Sky had been smart enough to lower her voice since she was the only person who knew my truth.
“Yeah, that’s a big part of it too,” I admitted, lowering my eyes.
At the peak of Legacy’s addiction, I had spun out. I was out of my mind and lost. One night, I cheated on Legacy. It was one night, one stupid mistake after years of commitment and loyalty. It was a terrible mistake that I hadn’t planned and was completely ashamed of. Weeks later, I found out that I was pregnant. I was prepared to terminate the pregnancy but Legacy found out. No matter his addiction, he was a good father. I feared that terminating Riley would send him into a deeper depression, deepening his addiction. So, for him, I had her anyway and never mentioned anything about her uncertain paternity.
It was easier to stunt while he was away and barely in Riley's life. That's why although I wanted Legacy back, I refused to make a move out of fear of having to tell him the truth. I couldn't start over with him while hiding a major secret from him. I loved him too much.
“Just tell him the truth,” Sky urged. “For your own sanity.”
For years, the truth had been eating at me. It had been easier to live with it when Legacy was only around Riley once or twice a month. But now, the guilt was consuming me.
I nervously ran my fingers through my bundles. “He's going to think I left him because of that when I could have just terminated her and it would have never been proof. I left him because he had become reckless.”
“I know.”
“And leaving him made him get sober.”
“I know.”
“But he won't see it that way,” I confessed regretfully.
“Then put effort into moving on so that when he does, it won’t hurt so bad because you’ll be getting dicked down by a big, black, dread-head nigga.”
I dramatically rolled my eyes while blushing. “Anyway, what’s been going on with you?” I asked, choosing to change the subject. “How is the in vitro coming along?”
Sky’s demeanor instantly transformed to anxiousness. Her eyes nervously darted out of the large picture window behind her. "So, the implantation is scheduled for next month," she explained and then gnawed on her bottom lip with wide eyes. "I'm so nervous, Bless. What if it doesn't work again?"
I reached out to squeeze her hand, offering what little comfort I could. "Don't think like that. This time will be different. You have to think positive."
But even as I spoke the words, I couldn't shake the fear that lingered in the back of my mind. Sky had already endured two miscarriages after implantation and two naturally before meeting JayShawn. The thought of her going through that again was too much pain for me to bear. So, I knew that it was torturous for her.
"I just want this so badly, Bless," Sky continued, her voice trembling with emotion. Her fear was coupled with the sounds of Pam and NaNa bickering over that damn, smelly herbal brew that Pam was still boiling. "I want to be a mom so bad, but more than that, I want to give JayShawn a baby. He’s been so good to me.”
JayShawn and Sky had been experiencing a whirlwind love affair. They’d met on Tinder a year and a half ago. Sky was skeptical of him at first because he seemed too perfect. He had wined and dined her and courted her with intent. But soon, the way that he’d worshipped her convinced her to let her guard down. He had proposed on the one-year anniversary of their first date. Since then, Sky had been desperately trying to have a baby because neither of them had one. Because of her inability to carry a pregnancy to term before meeting JayShawn, she’d immediately started in vitro in order to ensure that she was able to conceive.
“I don’t know how I would handle it if I miscarry again.”
I nodded, swallowing past the lump in my throat. "I know. But everything will work out.” I tapped her knee with a grin. “Mama said she saw it in her dream. You know Miss Cleo be on point.”
Finally, Sky smiled again, bubbling over with laughter. “Oh my God! If she can see so much, why can’t her crazy ass see that she needs some damn help?”
“I’m getting some help, heffa!” Pam called out from the kitchen, causing us to look back at her, waving her stirring spoon in the air. “I’m getting some fucking help right now!”