20. Incubus
INCUBUS
Feeling out of sorts, I’m in my pole barn behind my house, trying to work on a bike for Nickel.
I will forever be in his debt because, in all honesty, he saved Stella’s life.
Unfortunately, neither his or Milly’s shots didn’t end the crazy bitch Felicity’s life but she’s in a secure mental ward, never to be released.
When my sister, Maeve, called asking to come out as she needed to speak to me, I, of course, said, “Come, bring the kids.” It was a good thing for Isabella to meet her cousins and it gave me something I was missing, my family.
When my father and Felicity were outed I lost my shit and left, leaving everyone.
Yeah, over the years I’ve spoken to my siblings here and there but after the military, and once we got involved with the Kings of Anarchy and all of our dealings, didn’t want to take a chance to have gossip spread.
Well, shit, that didn’t work at all since Gino took a contract out on Maeve’s husband.
After the first day and Maeve hadn’t said a word, I asked Nickel and Julie to take all the kids so we could have an adult conversation. Stella stayed behind because my sister demanded it, which was something, since usually she’s on the quiet side.
We all grab some coffee and are sitting at the kitchen table, my sister tells us she’ll be right back and gets up and goes to the guest bedroom. When she returns she has a brown box in her arms.
“Okay, I actually didn’t know if I should share this with you or not, Cullen.
I reached out to Liam, no, don’t freak out.
When I called the house number, I got his—what do you call it—old lady, Julie.
Anyway, after explaining who I was and what I needed to speak to him about, we spent a couple of hours on the phone.
She made me see why you needed to know and that’s why I called you.
Okay, yeah, I know I’m stalling because I never liked her.
Even after you married Felicity, I knew deep down in my heart she was all wrong for you.
Back then, Cullen, you were such a good guy.
Wait, no, that came out wrong. I mean you were softer and didn’t mind showing your emotions.
You were more of a father to all of us than that old asshole was.
Hope the Devil tortures his miserable black soul. ”
I let out a startled chuckle at her comment, as does Stella, though neither of us pushes Maeve. This is hers to share when she can. After a few sips of her coffee and a couple of deep breaths, she looks our way and continues.
“Okay, after our father passed and we had buried him, I went to the house to get my stuff and the kids’ things.
That was even before I knew the bitch was going to kick us out.
After having words with the psychopath, I gathered my things and somehow that box was in my closet.
I assumed it was mine or the kids’. Like you, it’s taken me a quick minute to figure out what’s next in my life.
Thanks to both of you for making it easy for me.
As y’all know, I’m in the process of moving down here to be closer to you, Cullen, and your family.
When I started to go through our things and opened this box, I was beyond shocked and disgusted.
Almost threw it right in the garbage. But I thought you needed to see this gross as shit stuff, so I’m gonna give it to you.
Once you’re done with it, I don’t care what you do with it.
Oh, you will see our father’s true Will, not the one Felicity came up with after his death.
It leaves everything equally to all of us kids, you included.
There is also a note to you from him that I didn’t open and you don’t have to either, Cullen.
Do what’s best for you, brother. I will warn both of you, the movies are beyond disgusting.
As much as I hate to say this, it explains why Felicity is beyond bat-ass crazy.
I’m going to leave it to you. Let me know your thoughts tomorrow or the next day when you can finally find words.
I need some bleach for my eyes, just saying. ”
My sister gets up, as we do, and hugs us both then goes to leave but stops at the door.
“Cullen, I’m going to say this and please don’t hate me, but if you have the ability and means, please see if you can either find our mother or prove that the old asshole killed her.
That is all I ask of you because, what I remember of her, she would have never left us there alone helpless with that prick. ”
After she leaves, Stella goes to move close to me, but I shift backward.
I hear, “Motherfucker, not this again” right before she grabs my T-shirt, pulling me so close we are beyond touching.
Startled, I look down into her face not to see fear, but anger.
A very pissed-off Italian woman, and for once, I have no idea why, so I ask.
“What did I do, Stella, for fuck’s sake?”
She literally growls at me then pushes me to the main room toward the sectional. Once we are sitting she grabs my hand, squeezing tightly.
“Cullen, stop it right the hell now. I’m not a victim.
I’m a goddamn survivor, so start treating me like one, for Christ’s sake.
I mean, yeah, it was fucking rough as hell and it changed me forever, but don’t think of me being damaged or so victimized that you can’t touch me, or me you.
If that’s how you are going to think then we have bigger problems. I need you, Cullen.
I’m not a dainty flower, Boo, I’m your wife.
And being honest, no, I’m not saying ‘hey, Boo, let’s go have wild rough and crazy sex’ because I’m not there yet.
You’ll be the first to know when I am, but please don’t shy away from me when I go to touch you or get close, please? I need you.”
Can I say I’m beyond shocked at what she just knocked me over with?
For fuck’s sake, I thought by giving her space it would be better for her.
It’s been killing me not having her close, cuddling with her at night.
Most nights I’ve been letting her go to bed and if I’d go to bed, I’d sleep on top of the covers or I’d pass out on the sectional.
Yeah, she threw me shade from time to time, but again I was under the impression she needed me to be gentle and careful.
Well, damn, I guess all the women I’ve known over my adult life were correct…
I don’t know a damn thing about women and what they want.
Slowly I put my arm around Stella and pull her into my side but say nothing.
To be able to feel her next to me, her warm body up against mine, is beyond spiritual.
Yeah, sounding like a pussy again, but shit, this is my Stella.
I hear her take a breath then another, and I know what’s next as she puts her head even closer and I feel the wetness through my T-shirt.
I just hold on for dear life and let her let it out.
From everything I’ve read and talked about with the women from the Devil’s Handmaidens, which is where Stella is getting therapy from via Zoom calls, for now, is that sometimes women who have had traumatic sexual assaults need someone to just hold them within their limits of touching so they can feel safe to let go.
We might take a trip out to Montana soon, but for now the Zoom calls are working out.
Plus, there is now a girls’ night that includes Stella, Sparkle, Girlie, Maeve, and Millie.
Currently it’s either at our house or Cobalt and Julie’s, for the time being.
Maeve is closing on a house shortly and surprise, surprise Sparkle and Millie are going to be roommates.
They are looking for somewhere that will fit Sparkle’s kids and have some private space for Millie.
As a club in chapel we’ve thrown around buying the adjacent land and putting up some single-family homes or little cabins.
Stella told me the president up in Montana, Tink, has done that and just about all of the club members have built homes on her property, which isn’t a bad thing.
Keep those you care about the most close to ya.
After about ten or so minutes, I can tell Stella is done as she puts her hand on my stomach and lets out a deep breath. I wait for it and, as usual, she gives it to me.
“God, thanks, Cullen, I needed that. I have cried a lot since you found and brought me home, but none of those cries felt like this one. For some reason whenever I cry in your arms, when I’m done, I feel cleansed.
This is what I’ve missed, the closeness that I’ve only had with you.
Let’s try to concentrate on all we have and not on the shit that doesn’t matter.
Think we can do this? Be grateful for each other and our little girl, along with this crazy as fuck club of yours. ”
“Fuckin’ yeah, we can, Stella. Maybe I’ve not said it enough, but I love ya, Babygirl, and was literally dying when you were gone. That’s all I’m gonna say about that shit. Now let’s just chill back and enjoy the peace and quiet.”
Just as I say quiet, someone starts pounding on the front door.
I let out a, “Fuck me,” and get up to open the door and when I do, holy shit!
Our little girl is standing there, hair out to here, makeup on her beautiful face, flashing painted nails on her hands with all kinds of sparkly jewelry on.
The smile on her face has me cracking up as I hear Stella walking our way.
First the gasp, then mamma stronza in Italian, which I know means motherfucker, and then she’s completely silent.
I watch Isabella’s face start to fall, which has me saying Stella’s name in a tone she recognizes because she instantly moves past me, kneels in front of our daughter, pulling her close.
“Bambina, you look stunning but you just gave your mamma a heart attack. Why do you want to grow up so fast on me? Let’s do this slowly, okay, Bella? And who do we have to thank for turning our baby girl into a twenty-four-year-old working woman?”
I lose it, laughing so hard I’m holding my gut as—surprise of all surprises—my sister Maeve steps forward, face all red, the blush going down her neck.
I hear Girlie and Sparkle snorting and then Millie steps forward with a tie-dye boa, wrapping it around Isabella’s neck, who smiles hugely up at her.
That’s when Stella loses it and everyone starts laughing, chuckling, or in the case of Girlie and Sparkle, lots of snorting.
Yeah, this is it. Stella was right, as usual.
It’s about time I get my head outta my own ass.
And that starts right about now as I pull my ol’ lady into me, holding her tightly as her hands cover my own.
When I look down I see that huge smile of our daughter now aimed at us.
At this exact moment everything is as close to perfect as two fucked-up people can be.