Chapter 43 What Just Happened
- WHAT JUST HAPPENED
It had been two days since Angel and Cypher crashed into my life here and then left just as quickly.
I had been struggling to wrap my head around the limited information I got.
And yes, I knew that was my fault. I could have calmed down, asked questions.
But seeing them had unleashed so many feelings, so much tension… I felt like erupting.
Sleep was hard-earned; every time I closed my eyes, everything would come back to me. The night I ran for my life, the night I left everything behind.
Razor is dead…
The sound of my phone buzzing had me jumping up in my bed; only a few people had that number, and knew how to contact me. I stared at my phone as if it would bite me, and then it buzzed again.
With shaking hands I stood, reaching for the phone and unlocking it.
Why was Remi messaging me? Was everything okay? Shit, did those idiots lead someone to me?
But the messages weren’t what I expected…
Remi
I met Declan
or I guess, Clutch
She what?
He seemed sad, definitely missing you
He helped me out. Helped my friends…
I… we probably wouldn’t still be here if it wasn’t for him and the club
What was going on?
I know I said I would only use this for emergencies, so I am sorry if I am overstepping…
Three dots blinked, then disappeared… I looked at my phone, holding my breath.
You don’t have to respond and you can be mad at me. I get it, I think I would be mad at me too…
But I just felt like you needed to know
It felt like minutes, hours passed while I watched those dots blink, waiting for what she had broken our contact rule to tell me.
She had met Clutch, he had helped her? Razor was dead… was it all connected?
TYPE FASTER
I blew out a breath, trying to stay calm and then started to pace. Then the messages came in and it felt like I couldn’t breathe…
I don’t think he is the same man.
and I know… I know, I didn’t know him before…
But I talked to him, I listened and watched… I spoke to other members at the club and they all carry so much pain and regret for what happened.
So that means I have to forgive them?
And please don’t think I am saying this because you owe them anything or because I think you should go back…
The first tear fell.
I have seen bad men, I have seen men… people do bad things that hurt the ones they love and not learn from them or change.
But they are changing… big changes and he hasn’t moved on
What?
I don’t want to overstep and you are probably laughing because I already have… but they saved my life…
Tears streamed down my face.
When he spoke about you, it was with so much love, grief and heartbreak.
I blinked trying to clear the tears from my eyes trying to focus on the phone in my shaking hands.
I didn’t know you could ramble in a text… guess you can…
I just wanted to let you know that you are safe. He has eliminated all the threats to you. To Rebecca Pierce and Molly Kent.
What? I dropped to the floor, the phone slipping out of my hands… what… What was she saying?
Trevor came bursting through my door, half asleep, as I was grasping for my phone.
So no matter what you choose, just know you can do anything now. You are free. You are safe.
I am safe?
You know where to find me if you need me.
I was safe? He eliminated all the threats to me?
“Molly, what is going on? What happened?”
I couldn’t speak so instead I stood and handed him my phone. I didn’t wait for him to read it or respond, I moved past him and to the bathroom. I needed to shower, I had things I had to do. I needed to think… What did this mean? Could I really be free?
I dropped my clothes quickly and stepped under the water not caring if I had warmed up enough yet. I let the water wash over me and I didn’t try to hold back the sobs when they finally started to break free from my body.
I left early for the gym, with Trevor and Marvin saying they would be right behind me.
Replaying what Angel and Cypher had said, what Remi’s messages revealed. But I didn’t know how any of that made me feel. I didn’t know if I could truly believe that I was safe. What would that even look like…
I was so lost in my thoughts, that I didn’t realize I wasn't alone until I heard a gasp from behind me as I was getting out of the truck.
I spun ready to defend myself and locked eyes with Dec… no Clutch. He was wearing his cut… He must have parked his bike off to the side so I wouldn’t see it.
The look on his face almost made me go to him, almost made me break down all over again. Remi’s words and the look on his face were almost enough to undo me. But then I remembered why I ran in the first place and I locked it all down.
He opened his mouth to speak, but a choked sound came out.
I didn’t know how to handle the man in front of me, he wasn’t the confident strong man I had met. He wasn’t the soft caring man I fell in love with. The man in front of me looked consumed with guilt, grief maybe… he looked broken and like I was his salvation.
Too bad buddy… I don’t even know how to fix myself.
He took a step toward me and I took one back, my body up against the truck. His eyes flared seeing my reaction and he stopped himself, his hands shaking at his side.
“I’ve been looking for you.” His voice was rough, the usual low gravel had a softness to it I didn’t recognize.
I couldn’t look at him, it hurt too much, so I looked at Dawnbreakers crest on his cut. On his road name… “Well, you found me!”
“Baby, ohhh… I. I don't even know where to start. I am so sorry. I know that will never be enough. But… I… I didn’t know if I would ever see you again. Can I?”
He took a step toward me and my eyes snapped up to his, his dark eyes were so full of things I didn’t know how to handle. Because if I believed what I saw in his eyes…
I had believed him before and he broke me. He broke us… his club destroyed my life… I…
His hand reached out to me and I remembered he'd asked a question…
“No,” I said, “You don’t get to touch me.”
He looked hurt, but he nodded and stopped. “I am sorry, I just… I missed you and I haven’t seen you since…”
“You haven’t seen me since you watched Razor hit me and stood still. You haven’t seen me since you walked out of that clubhouse and left me with a monster to assault me… again.”
My body was vibrating, he did not get to come here and play the victim.
Clutch’s dark eyes studied me, and then he nodded. “You are right, that is the last time I saw you. And I…” His voice cracked, he looked away from me for a moment and then back, eyes glassy. “I will never forgive myself for that.”
He looked like he was choking on his words, struggling. So I gave him a minute, more like both of us a minute. Because never in our years together had I seen him like this.
After a few moments passed and he still hadn’t said anything else, I decided to get answers.
“Cypher told me Razor is dead and Remi said you eliminated every threat to me. What… what does that mean?”
He cleared his throat, “That means that every person who hurt you, who was a threat. They are gone. We took care of them. The club and I… we hunted every single one of them down.”
I heard what he said, but it was like my brain was having a hard time processing it as reality, “My… the Kents?”
He swayed forward slightly like he was going to take a step closer but then he held himself still, “They were our first stop.”
“Ohhhh…” A choked breath bubbled out of me.
At that Clutch took a few steps forward, but I held my hand out between us. He kept walking until his chest was pressed against my hand and I could smell leather and the oil from his bike.
“Don’t…” I managed to get out around the tears.
“I just want to hold you, comfort you… please.”
He was so close, my senses were going haywire and my emotions were all over the place. I closed my eyes trying to think straight. “You lost the right to do that…”
“Bex, baby, you are still my wife… I…”
My eyes snapped open and I pushed him back, “No!” I shouted, “She is dead. Wanna know why?”
He shook his head, no, but my pain and anger and hurt. It was warring with what seeing him was doing to me, with what he was telling me. It was all too much.
“Rebecca Pierce no longer exists, Clutch,” He winced at the way I said his road name, “Because of your club, because of the emblem you still so proudly wear!” I shoved my finger at his patch, “Every part of my life that I built from nothing got destroyed because of that. So, don’t call me Bex and don’t call me your wife.
Rebecca Pierce was your wife and she doesn’t exist anymore. ”
The look of shock quickly morphed to one of understanding and then horror. He took a step back, grasping at his chest.
“So… Thank you for what you did. I … I think it will take me a while to fully process that they are gone. But thank you…” I needed space to think and process, too much was coming at me and I felt like I was drowning in it all, so I straightened myself, wiped the tears from my face and said, “If that was all you came for, thank you… I have…”
He growled, “If that is all I came for? Be… baby I came for you! I love you and we can figure out the rest…”
I shook my head, more tears falling, how could he love me? “You loved a lie, Clutch. The woman you loved is gone…”
“No,” he said, stepping forward, “No. You are right here… right in front of me. We have so much to talk about and so many things that I want to show you. But I love you… you have to believe that.”
Why did it feel like my heart was being ripped out of my chest? Why was this so hard?
I shook my head, trying to compose myself.
He took another step towards me, “You love me, baby…”
I couldn’t hold back the sob this time, it tore out of me, “I loved the lie you sold me, the man… Dec… Declan. I loved him. But the man I had to run from…” I looked right at his name stitched on his cut and shook my head.
He moved right up to me, grabbing my face with both hands, he was crying just as hard as I was. My knees felt like they were going to buckle and every breath I managed to get in just smelled, tasted of him. He was so close… too close.
“I love you… don’t say I don’t know… I do. I love you, baby.”
We stayed like that, both of us breathing each other in. But I couldn't go back.
I had to move forward, not back.
“Clutch I don’t think either one of us was honest in that relationship…”
“Don’t…” he tried to cut me off but I had to keep going.
“Tell me that the man you were when we were dating, the man who proposed to me… the man I wanted everything with was actually you.”
“Please…” He wiped some of the tears away from my face with his thumbs, I don’t even know if he knew what he was asking for.
“I loved Declan, I loved him so much. Like I never knew I could love. But he was the lie… The promises made were all lies and the dreams we had… and Bex…. she was a lie too and she is gone and I… I don’t know who I am or what….”
I could barely get the words out. Part of me wanted to give in, collapse into his arms and let him take away all the pain, but the other part knew he had caused some of the pain that I was struggling with.
I could hear a vehicle coming down the road, the dust started to stir around us as Clutch put his forehead to mine whispering, “ok baby, I am so so sorry… I love you so much, that will never be a lie. Please know that.”
Then he kissed my forehead and with his lips still warm on my skin he whispered, “Goodbye, Bex.”
And then he was gone. His bike came out from around the side of the building a few moments later, he didn’t look at me, didn’t slow. He passed the truck with Marvin and Trevor in it.
I was left standing in the dust and had no idea about how to deal with or feel about any of it. What just happened?