Chapter Thirty-nine
She just stands there, looking lost. The shake of her head scares the hell out of me. I jump up and put on my clothes. There’s so much I have to say to her, but I just don’t know all the signs and I can’t risk her misreading my lips.
Me: Dallas lost his family. And now Lucas screwed up his life. It made me realize everything I want is right in front of me. You are what I want. You and Maisy. I want us to be a family. I know it’s only been months and we haven’t talked about a future together. That’s my fault. I don’t know how to do this. This is new territory for me. I don’t even know if you love me. But I think you do.
As she reads it, her breathing accelerates. Fuck, I wish I could know what’s going on inside her head right now.
Ellie: I thought… Blake, I thought this was a fling. With your past, and the way we hide it, how could it be anything else?
“What? No!”
Guilt pierces my soul knowing all along she was thinking this was just friends hooking up. My heart clambers in my throat as I type quickly to explain.
Me: El, my God, I knew from the first day we met that this would be different. That YOU would be different. I was sure you felt it too. Jesus, you thought I was going to use and discard you?
Ellie: You don’t even know much about me.
Me: I know enough.
Ellie: You’re wrong. If you knew me well, you’d know I could never be with someone like you.
I look up, pissed that she’s holding my past against me after everything I’ve confessed. “Someone like me?”
“You could never understand,” she signs.
I drive out a harsh sigh as a bad feeling surges through me. “Try me.”
She closes her eyes and looks away. There’s a war going on within her. And based on her body language, I fear it’s one I’m going to be on the losing side of.
She looks back at me and signs something that sets off a chain reaction inside me. My jaw tightens, my spine stiffens, and knots form in my gut. I glare at her, my eyes burning like hot embers. “Did you just say because I’m not deaf?”
Her chin dips in a single affirming nod.
“What the fuck, Ellie?”
Then, as if to prove a point, she signs really quickly, going on and on fully knowing I can’t keep up.
I step forward and grab her hands. “Don’t do this. Talk to me.”
Ellie: I told you you wouldn’t understand. Hearing men never understand. We don’t belong together.
“So you’re going to end this because I said I love you? And then what, run back to that Seth guy—a guy you don’t even want? One who doesn’t make your heart pound and your panties wet whenever he’s around? What the hell is wrong with you?”
She takes a step back, offended.
I reach out and touch her arm. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean there is something wrong with you. I’m confused. I know you have feelings for me. The way you look at me. The way your body responds to me. You fucking love me, El. And you’re lying to yourself if you say you don’t. You’re using your deafness as an excuse not to have a relationship with me.”
“I’m not,” she signs as if completely offended.
“Bullshit. I think you clearly are. You need an excuse to end this because you’re afraid I’ll leave you like he did, aren’t you? Grant broke something inside you, and you don’t think you’re deserving of love or some crap like that. At least have the decency to own up to why you’re throwing this away.” I close my mouth, my lips in a thin line as I sign, “Are you getting this?”
Ellie: You’re wrong. It’s not about Grant. It’s about us. I can’t be in a relationship with a hearing man. Don’t you understand that our worlds are too different? You’ll want me to fit into yours and that’s not who I am.
“I know who you are. And I don’t expect anything of you.”
Her head shakes as she texts.
Ellie: You all say that. But eventually, you’ll want me to change. You’ll want me to speak.
“Are you kidding me?” I sign in frustration. I turn away for a moment to gather my thoughts then look directly at her as I speak. “Because I asked you months ago if you ever spoke, you’re holding that against me? It was a legitimate question. It wasn’t a demand. I don’t give a shit if you speak or not.”
“You will,” she signs.
“That’s so fucking unfair. You can’t presume to know what I will or won’t do.”
“You don’t know what it’s like to be deaf.”
“No, I don’t,” I sign. I need her to understand me word for word, so I use my phone again.
Me: You know what else I don’t know? I don’t know what it’s like to be a woman. No matter how much you try to explain it, I’ll never fully understand what it’s like to have a period, have cramps, or carry a child. And you’ll never know what it’s like to get an erection, have a male orgasm, or get kicked in the balls. So we’re different. Who cares? Lots of people are. They come from different backgrounds, cultures, and ethnicities. Yet they still get together. How is this any different?
Ellie: You’ll forget I’m deaf. You already did once when you called me. Even today, I’m pretty sure you spoke to me on the floor. Am I right?
Shit. I nod guiltily.
“What did you say?”
“I said I love you,” I sign. “It just came out.”
Ellie: So you verbally declared your love for me when you knew I couldn’t hear you. You forgot. A deaf person would never forget.
I pace the floor, putting footprints on the freshly vacuumed carpet by the wall.
Ellie: And you said once that you wanted me to scream your name.
I try to remember a time when I said it. “Jesus, El. I was making a joke about having sex. I didn’t mean it literally.”
Ellie: All hearing men are the same. Eventually my silence will get to you, and you’ll want more.
All at once, things begin to make sense. For the second time, she’s said something about all hearing men.
“What happened to you, El? Did a hearing man hurt you?”
Her silence is all the confirmation I need.
I take her hand. For a second, she lets me, but then she pulls away.
“Talk to me!”
She scolds me with her blazing hot stare.
I throw up my hands in frustration. “It’s a figure of speech, Ellie,” I say far too loudly. I use my hands and sign silently, “Talk to me.”
When tears flood her eyes, I think the worst.
“Were you raped?”
Relief courses through me when she shakes her head.
“Then what?”
Ellie: Nobody had to rape me. I let them do whatever they wanted.
Her text hits me square in the chest. We’ve never talked about our sexual histories. I knew she was aware of my past. And I just assumed—based on her admission that she dated but didn’t have relationships—she was afraid of being abandoned.
I step up to her, doing her name sign. “Ellie, tell me.”
She sits down and leans against the wall. I sit next to her and wait as she types out a text. It’s long. And with every second that passes, more bad feelings surface. All kinds of scenarios are swirling around in my head. I swear I’ll hunt down and kill anyone who hurt her. All I can think of right now is protecting her in every way.
Ellie: People have always made fun of me. Being different, you have to have thick skin. But as a kid, it’s not that easy. I used to speak. I grew up with hearing parents. A hearing sister. Yes, everyone signed, but I also spoke. It wasn’t until elementary school that I understood that when I spoke, I didn’t sound like everyone else. And that because I was born deaf, my accent was even more pronounced than most. The bullying got really bad in middle school. Kids were downright mean. They called me stupid and worse. When I was twelve, I stopped speaking altogether with the exception of when I was with my family.
“El, I’m so sorry. No kid should have to go through that.”
I swallow hard, tamping down the anger because I’m beginning to understand all the hurdles Maisy has in front of her.
Ellie: That’s not all. When I went to high school, there were a lot of new people who didn’t know me. I was the pretty blonde girl with the big boobs. Boys were attracted to me. Hearing boys. One boy sent me flowers on Valentine’s Day when I was fifteen. It was the most special I’d ever felt. So I let him do things with me. Sex was a language everyone could speak, and almost instantly, I noticed I was becoming popular. Not with the girls, but I had Beth, so I didn’t care about having friends. For the first time in my life, guys were seeking me out. Boys were fighting over me. And I let them. By senior year, I’d slept my way through the starting lineup of the varsity baseball team AND the football team.
I close my eyes at the thought of her being used by so many guys.
She taps my leg and signs, “I said you didn’t know me.”
“None of that matters. We all did stupid shit in high school.”
“There’s more,” she signs.
Ellie: I knew the girls were all mad, calling me a slut, talking behind my back, but the attention from the boys outweighed it. Until homecoming senior year. I was named Homecoming Queen. It was like a dream, until it became a nightmare. At the dance, I was called on stage with Danny McVeigh, the Homecoming King and, at the time, the boy I was sleeping with. Everyone was staring at me. Danny told me as Homecoming Queen I had to give a speech. I didn’t want to, so I just signed ‘thank you’ and started to walk away. He pulled me back and insisted. He said everyone was waiting and if I wanted to keep the title, I had to talk. I threw my crown at him and ran off stage. Everyone was laughing at me. Girls were high fiving each other. I’d fallen from grace, which was exactly what they wanted. It wasn’t until the next week, when I was being shunned by everyone, that a brainy girl who always kept to herself told me everything. She said the boys all had a bet going to see which one of them could get me to talk first. Danny had conspired with a bunch of girls to get me elected queen. A lot of the girls were girls I went to middle school with. Girls who had heard me speak and who had made fun of me. They wanted everyone to hear the stupid deaf girl. They were tired of the way the popular guys were looking at me and ignoring them. Well, they got their wish. I never dated another hearing guy again. Until you.
“Jesus, Ellie. That’s fucked up. Did you ever see the movie Carrie?”
She nods in understanding. “I wanted to kill them all,” she signs.
Ellie: Instead of killing them, I just kept my head down and finished out the year. Then I went to Gallaudet, where everyone was like me. No one ever made fun of me. And no one tried to force me to speak.
I put both of our phones down and turn to face her square-on. I let my hands do the talking. “Ellie, I don’t want you to speak. You are perfect the way you are.”
She shakes her head. “You may think that now. But it will change.”
“You don’t give me… credit,” I sign, fingerspelling the last word. “I love you. Nothing else matters.”
She picks up her phone, stands, and walks toward the door. Turning back before leaving, she signs, “Buy the house. It will be good for Maisy. Goodbye, Blake.”
“Goodbye?” I yell, knowing she can’t hear, but I shout it again anyway. “Goodbye?” I stand. “What the fuck?”
I take a few deep breaths and gather my thoughts. She’s just like my brother, Lucas. She loves me. I know she does. But she’s leaving anyway. Do I just let her go?
No. Fuck that. I race to the door, expecting to see her sitting in the front seat of my car. But she’s not there.
She’s not anywhere.
She’s just… gone.
I physically feel my heart splinter into a million pieces.