Chapter 14
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
FALLON
“ Y ou can have the rooms down here. I’ll move my stuff upstairs.”
“I’m not making you uproot your life, Nash.” But that’s exactly what I was doing. I didn’t think it would happen so fast, but here we are.
“It’s uprooted anyway Fallon, changing rooms is the least of my problems right now. I don’t want you having to carry Lottie up and down the stairs every time you need to get her, and it would be a hazard to have Josie navigate the stairs.” His expression was flat, there wasn’t any anger which I’d expected. He set my bags in the room and walked down the hallway and set Josie’s bag down. “We can get a rail for the side of the bed so she doesn’t fall out. I’ll push the bed against the wall and figure out what she can use until it comes.”
“Nash, what do you expect to happen when you want to bring a woman home? Am I supposed to take the girls to Kipps for the night?” I crossed my arms, suddenly feeling a pang of jealousy thinking about his sex life. “Pretend we’re not here? What?”
“I don’t bring women here, Fallon. I never have.” The big rancher pushed his way past me as I watched him disappear into what was now my room. He wasn’t gone very long, but came back out with an armful of plaid shirts. There was no glance at me, no words spoken. The only sound was him climbing the stairs. Then the sound was back, only he was coming down. Nash made the trip over and over until the room was empty. On his last trip, he grabbed the pillow off the bed and tossed one over the railing from the second floor. He closed his door with a thud and there I was alone.
Walking into the room, all the things that had made the room warm were gone. Sighing, I sat gingerly on the bed. Sitting wasn’t the thing I enjoyed the most right now. I tried to think back to how I felt after Josie was born to remember how long it took for me to feel normal again, but I didn’t remember much from those days.
I spent months on edge wondering when Andrew would realize Josie wasn’t his. To be honest, I’m not sure he ever had. But his abuse got worse after her birth, so maybe he’d figure it out and let me believe he didn’t know. Or maybe he just figured he had me trapped after her birth. I certainly felt like I was.
A quick knock on the front door drew my attention. Nash stomped down the stairs and I walked out to where I could see the front door. “Come in.”
“I brought the cradle. Lottie’s going to need something to sleep in.” Nora walked into the house and slipped off her shoes, and moved toward me. She gave me a tight smile that made me wonder whose side she was on.
“Thank you. I’ll put it in my room.” I turned, and she followed me down the hallway.
“He gave you his room?” Nora sighed as she looked around.
“Apparently he doesn’t trust women on stairs.” I rolled my eyes and set Lottie in the cradle before putting my hands on my hips.
She shook her head and let a quick laugh out. “He’s worried about you three and taking one thing out that could be dangerous to you. Sounds pretty caring if you asked me.”
She hugged me, and I watched her walk out the front door. Going back to my room, I ran my hands along the cradle rails. My grandfather had made this when my grandma had been pregnant with Dad. We’d all slept in it and now it would hold my daughter. I’m sure Grandpa had planned for it to hold generations of sleeping Miller babies.
A tear fell from my eye and landed with a splat on the mattress. Wiping it away, I sniffed and felt a pressure on my back, like someone had placed their hand on me. “Thanks Daddy,” I whispered.
The rest of the day was tense. Nash had made and cleaned up supper. How could things be this bad between us, but he still made me feel safe and cared for? After I’d had Josie, I was still expected to do everything that I normally did. “Would you take Lottie? I need to get Josie ready for bed.” He turned from where he was putting away the dishes and smiled.
“Of course. When Josie’s more comfortable here, I can take over getting her to bed.” He took Lottie from me and held her like he’d held babies daily.
“Ok, Sweets if you need me I’m just across the hall.” I knelt on the floor, leaning on the edge of Josie’s bed. Her eyes were already heavy, but she looked over at me.
“We stay here, Mommy?”
“Yes, baby, we will.” I brushed her hair off her forehead and smiled.
“Good.” Her smile spread across her lips, and she gave into sleep. I couldn’t help but agree with her. While I would have been fine at Kipp’s, I was glad to be here with Nash, and glad Josie would get to know her dad. One day we’d have to have that conversation .
Walking out to the living room, my heart came to a screeching halt as I saw Nash sitting in a chair staring at Lottie, while he murmured to her. “You know I never thought I’d be holding a baby, much less having one live in my house, but I promise you right now that you’ll be safe and I will do everything in my power to protect you for all of my days.” His words might have been whispered, but they held so much power. While some moments I questioned if coming home was the right thing to do, it was this moment with a baby in his arms that wasn’t vowing to protect her, that made me think I made the right choice.
“Your Mommy’s eavesdropping, little one. Obviously, nobody told her how to do it. She’s far too obvious.” His low voice was like an electric shock to my heart and it started again.
“I didn’t want to interrupt,” I breathed as I moved to take her from him.
“We’re fine here. Go sit.” He waved me away.
“You holding a new baby is a sight I never imagined in my life.” As the words tumbled out of my mouth, I knew I should have kept that as an internal thought.
Nash scoffed and shook his head. “Having the opportunity helps.”
“I’m sorry. Nash I– “
“No, I don’t want to talk about it, not tonight, not yet.” He looked up at me with more sadness in his eyes than I’d ever imagined he was capable of. Nash didn’t have an easy life, and when people broke his trust, it was almost impossible to get it back.
“Can I ask about the house? When did you move it here?” I grabbed the quilt on the back of the couch and spread it out over my lap.
“Last year, Dad was on the verge of losing it, so I bought it and moved it here. The guys have helped me fix it up. Nothing huge, just a bit of paint.” He shrugged, and that was all. It was a lot more than a bit of paint, but he had always been humble and no matter what amazing thing he’d done, he brushed it off like it was no big deal.
The last time I’d been in this house, his mother had yellow shag carpet and mint green paint on most of the walls. Nash had painted everything white, stripped the painted wood moldings and restored them back to their natural color. The hardwood floors that were covered with carpet had been refinished and were almost sparkling. “Why’d you pick this spot?”
“It’s the very edge of my property. When we became business partners Kipp sold us each a piece of the original ranch, so we’d have as much at stake as he did, and I wanted to be close to everything. So when I surveyed, this was the best place. Maybe a little too close to your brother now that he has a family, but that wasn’t really my concern then.” He shrugged so slightly if my eyes hadn’t been glued to him, I would have missed it.
“It’s perfect.” I whispered. The air suddenly felt thick, and he shifted his gaze to me .
“I’m going to bed.” He stood with ease and gently placed Lottie in my arms and without another word, he walked up the stairs and his door closing startled me like it had been slammed right beside me.
I put Lottie down and turned out the lights and went to bed myself. Sleep was all I longed for, but I knew it wouldn’t happen. As if I predicted it, Lottie decided it was a party night.
“Shhh, sweetheart, you need to eat.” I whispered as I rocked back and forth on the couch, trying to get Lottie to latch. Why were babies so hard? I was hoping Lottie would be an easier baby. Everyone told me the second is so much easier than the first, but it’s not true.
Oh god, I miss everything about life before kids.
I looked down at Lottie in my arms, squirming and pushing away from me.
No, you don’t, that’s not true and shame on you for thinking it.
My heart was right, the girls were my everything, but my head was making me second guess it all.
She balled up her fists and let out a scream that would have woken the dead. I shifted my baby and tried to get her to latch on my other breast. Tears streamed down my face.
Even my child doesn’t like me.
I could feel the darkness creep in, the same darkness that had filled my thoughts when I had Josie.
Maybe I should just put her in her crib and leave? People would expect that from me .
Well, how did I break this last time? Fuck, I don’t remember. Oh wait, yes I do. Chrissy was there to help me. Was that when she started screwing Andrew? When I was a shit wife and a fuck up of a mom? I bet she’ll be the perfect mom. Everything will come so easy to her. Lottie let out another scream. “Come on honey, please be quiet. We don’t want to wake everyone up.”
“Too late.” Nash grumbled as appeared at the bottom of the stairs. His defined arms were a testament to the hours he spent working, and when they’d been wrapped around me, I felt safe and loved. His bare chest, with more than a dusting of chest hair gave me an unobstructed view of all the tattoos that still made me weak in the knees when I saw them, the plaid lounge pants, with a drawstring swaying as he walked down the stairs, and I wondered if he still slept naked.
The man was still magnificent to look at, clothed, or unclothed. I was happy it was dark. He couldn’t see me turning eight shades of red when I realized I was completely exposed. Reaching for the blanket beside me, I covered up. “Fallon, you don’t have to do that. I’ve seen them before and you’re feeding your child. It’s nothing to be ashamed about. Give her to me.” Nash reached out and took Lottie from me, blanket and all. Quickly, I buttoned up my pajamas and wrapped my arms around myself.
I watched as he walked around the living room bouncing gently and Lottie stopped her screaming. “Go make her a bottle, and I’ll feed her. You need to get some rest.” He was standing in front of the window, the moonlight shining through, bathing them in the white glow and my heart flipped. I’d taken this from him when I didn’t come back after I’d found out about Josie. Now I was here with another man’s baby and if a stranger walked in right now, they wouldn’t have a clue he wasn’t the father. I left the room and got the formula for Lottie, like he’d told me to.
When I returned, Nash was sitting in the rocking chair patting her back and humming something. I’d forgotten how good his voice was and remembered that I’d sit on the tailgate of a truck and listen to him and his friends jam when I was little. I used to think he was so cool and handsome. He was still handsome and so much more than just cool.
“Here, I can take her.” My voice cracked, and I couldn’t stop the tears from falling.
“Hey, I can only deal with one crying girl a night. What’s with the tears?” He looked up at me, eyes full of concern, and I felt like he could see into my most private thoughts. And right now those weren’t good at all.
Throwing my hands out, I sniffled a sob and hid my face from him. “I can’t feed her. The one thing I’m supposed to do, I can’t do. God, I suck at being a woman. I couldn’t feed Josie either. Andrew used to tell me I was defective, and maybe he was right. If I was a cow with a bad bag, you’d send me to the auction market.” I sat on the edge of the coffee table sobbing into my hands, spilling all the things I’d vowed never to tell anyone.
A complete breakdown in front of Nash wasn’t what I had planned for two in the morning, but there we were.
“Toots, look at me.”
I glanced up at him, but then looked away.
“No. Look at me.” He waited until I was staring at him.
“There is nothing wrong with you. You’re a woman, not a cow. I don’t want to hear the comparison again. You aren’t defective, you aren’t any less of a woman, it is what it is. Making sure Lottie is fed is all you need to worry about, and if that’s formula, then what’s the problem? Pretty sure there are other things to worry about as the mom of an infant and a two-year-old.” His eyes were locked on me, and I felt like he was pulling me out of the depths of despair. He hadn’t shamed me and didn’t make me feel like I was a failure. He just told me what I needed to hear. “And since you like making woman to cow comparisons, if a mama cow couldn’t feed her calf, what would we do?” He arched his brow, and I shook my head as I wiped my nose on my sleeve. It was childish, but what else did I have?
“You’d feed it milk replacer.” I responded through a few sobs.
“Right, and how many calves over the years have we had to do that to?” He stared at me again, knowing full well it was my job when I was a kid to take care of the bottle babies.
“Countless.” I nodded, trying to blink back more tears that threatened to fall.
“Right, lots. So there’s nothing wrong with you, Fallon, absolutely nothing. Now, I think I told you to go to bed.” He gave me a crooked smile as he snapped his fingers, reaching for the bottle. I hesitated for a microsecond and he shook his head. “Fallon, go.” I didn’t want to go. But he was right. I needed to sleep.
Staring at the ceiling, I was sure I wouldn’t fall asleep, but there was nothing I could do to keep my eyes open. I heard rustling and a low voice, but it wasn’t enough to wake me. In the back of my mind, I realized I should have grabbed a blanket, but suddenly I was warm, and he was close. A gentle pressure from his lips on my head and the smell of him filled my nose. “Sleep Toots, I’ve got you three.”