2. Chapter 2
two
What's Wrong - PVRIS
Jackie sat in her tiny former office, her fingers drumming across her knees.
Drew had permanently moved out of the office in anticipation of Doctor Kendra Howard’s arrival. The old interrogation rooms in the basement had been converted into a proper workspace for him since they were no longer needed, with Masters’s former torture chamber effective enough now.
Kendra had kept the space the same seafoam green that Jackie had painted it, but she had added art to the walls and comfortable chairs for sessions. She now sat across from Jackie, notebook poised in her lap, watching her over the top of her broad-rimmed glasses.
The woman was nothing like what Jackie had expected.
Kendra’s greying blonde hair was pulled up in a messy bun at the top of her head, and she wore a Lamb of God tour shirt under a blazer, tucked into a pair of dark blue jeans.
The woman was built like a tank. Jackie thought the doctor might be the coolest woman she’d ever seen, if she wasn’t so damn intimidating.
“I’ve never been to therapy before,” Jackie blurted, trying to break the silence. “I’ve just always tried to keep my feelings to myself.”
“Why?” Kendra asked simply.
“Well… um…” Jackie struggled to find the words.
They wanted to come out, but she was so used to shoving them back down that she wasn’t sure exactly how to let them out now.
“My dad left when he found out my mom was pregnant with me. I always felt like he might have stayed if I hadn’t been conceived.
Like, I was such a burden to my mom and sister because of it.
So I just always tried to make myself small, so they wouldn’t have to take care of me.
I didn’t want to be the burden I felt like I was. ”
The words tumbled out before she knew what she was saying. They tasted like bile, and she wanted them back as soon as they were out.
“I don’t think there’s anything small about you, Jackie.” Kendra smiled. “And I mean that in the absolute kindest way.”
Jackie smiled too, despite her embarrassment.
“Anyway, since I started making so much money here, I’ve tried to do everything I can to make sure my mom and sister live comfortably.
I paid for the down payment on my sister’s house.
Last year, I finally talked my mom into letting me buy her a condo.
Anything I can do to make life a little easier for them now, I try to do. ”
Kendra nodded, thinking for a moment. “Let’s start at the very beginning—the root of all this: your father. Did you ever learn the real reason he left?”
Jackie narrowed her eyes, hesitating at the look on Kendra’s face. “You seem to know,” she called out.
Kendra pursed her lips before leaning forward. “I was close enough to Masters to know his inner dealings.” She paused, taking a breath before continuing, “Under normal circumstances, I’m too familiar with you and this agency for me working here to be ethical.”
Jackie snorted. “Almost nothing we do here is ethical.”
Kendra smiled. “I know Cliff is the one who referred me. He’s the one who encouraged me to take the job when you offered it. I know how hard it is to trust in this field of work, so that’s why I accepted despite the ethics of it. So yes, Jackie, I do know your father and why he left. Do you?”
Jackie took a deep breath before answering. “I only found out a few months ago. Masters’s last gift to me was a letter on my birthday. I guess he started writing it when he got sick, asked Cliff to give it to me once the dust had settled.”
“Not to be a cliche, but how did that make you feel? Do you think that sense of betrayal could be contributing to your nightmares?”
“I think Theo’s blood spraying across my face, and feeling him die on top of me is contributing to my nightmares,” Jackie replied, unable to help her sarcastic tone. Kendra didn’t respond, so Jackie added, “It made me feel like the last decade of my life was a lie.”
Kendra scribbled something in her notebook, making Jackie scowl. “Can you describe your nightmares to me?”
Jackie played with her fingers as she described the nightmares.
Waking up to Theo on top of her, his hands tight around her throat, letting just enough air through to let her live, but not enough to have the strength to fight back.
How every time, she still fought desperately for the gun.
Sometimes she reached it and put an end to it; other times she would wake up from the nightmare when he finished raping her and finally strangled her to death.
She took a deep, shaking breath, desperate to fill her lungs after describing it all.
Kendra gave her a moment before asking, “Do you think the rape nightmares are tied specifically to that situation, or is there anything else that could be contributing to them?” Jackie stared at her a moment, her jaw loose as she replayed the question in her mind.
“For the record, I think they certainly are tied to the situation. It’s not uncommon to replay traumatic events in dreams, especially for those with post-traumatic stress disorder. ”
“You think I have PTSD?”
Kendra smiled again. “This is only your first session, Jackie. It’s very hard to diagnose you with anything so early. I guess the broader point I’m trying to make is: do you think a feeling of lost control could be contributing to these dreams?”
Jackie considered her for a moment. “I told Dimitri a few months ago that I felt like nothing was in control anymore.” She nodded absently.
“And you just told me you felt that the last decade of your life was a lie. That would certainly contribute to that feeling of lost control.”
“I hadn’t thought of it like that,” Jackie admitted.
“I want you to start keeping a journal,” Kendra said, making another note on her pad. “Jot down any thoughts or feelings as they come, and try to keep a record of your nightmares, nothing extensive, just a few notes of what you remember, and we’ll go over it at your next session.”
Jackie took a deep breath through her nose, nodding. She wasn’t sure she felt any better as she got up to leave.