Chapter 15 Claire
Claire
I’ve never felt like this before you. I’ve never experienced what you make me feel, Claire.
I can't get anything that Jacks said to me a few days ago out of my head, and it’s driving me crazy. My thoughts, my feelings, my emotions—they're all out of whack and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Because it’s my decision to make. It’s my choice, and Jacks gave that to me.
He’s distanced himself from me the past few days and because I know him, I know that he’s doing that for me.
Part of my mind is screaming at me that it’s too soon to jump into another relationship so quickly.
The other part is reminding me that Jacks isn't like Clay.
But how do I know that? How do I know that this won't turn out exactly the same? How do I know for sure? I thought Clay was the one for me, and look how that turned out, and I dated him for three whole years. Jacks and I have only been at this for a few months. How do I know for sure that this won’t end in the exact same way as before?
“Ugh!” I try to shake off all of my thoughts, but they just won't budge. The things that he said to me that night have burrowed into my skin. Jacks has burrowed into my skin faster than I could’ve imagined, and I don't hate it.
At first, I was pissed off because he was the one so hellbent on communication, but he forgot to mention a pretty big thing to me.
But I also understand why he didn't. This whole situation—us—has been so unconventional. Hell, I was the one who propositioned him to fake date for a few months to try to get back at my horrible ex-boyfriend. What the hell were we thinking? Why did I think this was a good way to go about things?
Fuck. This is all too confusing, so I switch my brain to something that’s like second nature to me at this point—developing my photos.
I have a film camera, and right now I’m in developing some of the photos I’ve taken with it—the dark room in the photography lab.
This is probably my favorite spot on campus, and I often come here when I need to think or avoid my problems.
I’m doing that simultaneously right now. I’m avoiding the way I truly feel about Jacks, while trying to think of what to do next, and it’s not going well. I need to just think.
We started as fake, and I even thought that too. I thought pretending with Jacks would be easy, but somewhere along the way, things got confusing and my fake feelings turned into real ones. He’s just so kind and caring, and it drives me nuts.
But would it be too soon? That thought has been at the back of my mind, just lurking.
Is it too soon to jump into another relationship with someone, knowing that it could end exactly like the last one did—with him falling out of love with me.
How soon is too soon? A few days? Weeks?
Months? How do you know you're ready to move on?
How am I supposed to trust myself when I literally packed up my whole life to follow a boy I thought I loved to college, only for him to break up with me after three years?
The adventure that he promised me when I told him I was afraid this would happen.
God, this sucks. A knock at the door of the dark room breaks me out of my thoughts, and I go to open it. Someone probably reserved the room, and they're going to kick me out. “I’ll be out of your hair in a second, I’m—”
“Claire.” Clay’s voice stops me in my tracks, and when I look up, he’s standing in front of me with a bouquet in his hand. Oh my fucking God. “I knew I’d find you here.”
“Wh—What are you doing?”
“Can we talk?”
“I’m busy, and I have nothing to say to you.” I go to close the door on him, but his foot stops it before I can. “Clay.”
“Claire, please.” He reaches out to touch my shoulder like he always used to, and I hate that I don't move away from his touch. “I made a mistake.”
“Which one? There’s been a few too many.”
“I deserved that.” He hands me the flowers. “These are for you, though.”
I take the roses from him and immediately throw them in the garbage can. “Clay, enough. What are you doing here and what do you want?”
“I want to talk, Claire Bear.” He sighs heavily, and I almost gag at the nickname he knows I hate. Oh shit, he’s not trying to get back together right now, is he? “I miss you.”
A few weeks ago, I would’ve laughed in his face at those words. But now, seeing the regret on his face makes me stop in my tracks for a second. Do I miss him? Or do I miss the idea of him that I created in my head? “Clay, I—”
He cuts me off. “Just let me explain. I thought I fell out of love for you, but being with her made me realize that you were it for me. It made me realize that I made a huge mistake treating you how I did. Seeing you with him put things into perspective.”
Him. Jacks.
Suddenly I remember seeing him on the ice for the first time, and how confident he was until he looked over at me and fell on his face.
It made me laugh, he made me laugh. Before I even knew him, he was making me smile.
I remember how he stands up for me when I don't ask him too, and how the night we first kissed he let me stand up for myself in front of Clay.
He knew I didn't need him to speak for me, and I remember laughing a lot when we were dancing in that parking lot in the rain like we were the only two people on the planet.
All Jacks has ever done is make me smile, laugh, and feel like I’m good enough to deserve those things.
I remember all the butterflies erupting in my stomach after he kissed me for the first time, and how I never, not once, felt like that with Clay.
With Clay, it always felt fine. It felt right, but there was no excitement, no wanting more.
I took what he gave me, even when Clay barely gave me anything.
Jacks has given me everything. The feelings, the laughs, the wanting more. I want to laugh with him again. I want to dance in the rain with him again. I want to be in his aura and watch him smile like an idiot, especially when he trips and falls or says some silly phrase.
Fuck. I want to be with Jacks. I know that now for sure.
What started as a plan to get back at Clay for breaking my heart has healed every broken piece of it.
No, scratch that. I stitched up my own heart. I’m choosing this next path. I’m choosing Jacks. “Clay, I can't do this with you. Not again.”
“But—”
“I wasn't done,” I sigh before continuing. “You broke my heart, Clay. I gave up my whole life for you to come here and you never even thanked me. You moved on as quickly as you fell out of love with me. I don't miss you. I don't miss what we had.”
“Is that because of him? That fucking hockey player.”
God, he’s such a dick. “Yes. But it’s also because of me. I’m not going to let you continue to play me like your own personal puppet just because you can't have me now. You want things you can't have, Clay, and now that you can't have me, you want me back.”
“Claire, that’s not true.”
“It is from where I’m standing.”
“You barely know the guy, Cee.”
“Clay, stop. In the few months I’ve been with him, he’s made me feel more than you had in three years. It’s different with him than it was with you.” His eyes look sad, but I find myself not caring. He dug his own grave.
“You’ll regret this, and I can't wait for the day that you come crawling back to me after he breaks your heart.”
“I’ll see you around, Clay.” I slam the door in his face and slump against it.
Damn. That felt good. It feels good no longer having his hold on me.
I’ve made some pretty huge decisions today, but I’m not going to jump right into them.
I think I’m going to give myself a week, or however long, to affirm my decision.
It feels right, but I need to learn to trust my feelings without second guessing them. I grab my phone from my bag.
Claire: Hi.
His response is almost immediate.
Jacks: Hey. Is everything okay? Are you okay?
Claire: Everything’s fine. I’m just checking in.
Jacks: On me?
Claire: Yes…?
Jacks: Oh. I’m okay.
Claire: I saw Clay.
Jacks: Did he hurt you? What did he say?
Claire: Jacks, I’m fine. He would never.
Claire: He wanted to talk. He said he missed me.
Jacks: Oh. And do you? Miss him?
Claire: No. I don't, and I told him that.
Jacks: I’m proud of you.
Claire: Thanks. I’m proud of myself too.
Jacks: Good, you should be.
Claire: I still need some more time, but I promise I haven't stopped thinking about all of this. Of us.
Jacks: Take all the time you need, gorgeous. I’ll be here waiting for when you're ready.
Claire: Thank you.
Jacks: Don't thank me. It’s the least I could do.
Jacks: I’ll see you soon.
Claire: See you soon.