Chapter Two
Jude thrashed and cried out into the night. It was always the same, dreams from his childhood he preferred to forget. “No,” he shouted, followed by, “Don’t, please.”
He tangled himself in the blankets from his limbs moving about in a panic.
Finally, after around ten minutes of his arms flailing and talking in his sleep, he woke himself up and shot up in his bed.
He looked around and attempted to steady his breathing, taking a few moments to realize it had only been a dream.
It was unpredictable when the dreams, nightmares rather, might occur.
Sometimes he would go a couple weeks without one and then he’d have spells where he had them every night. Lately, it had been the latter.
He ran his hands down his face. His breathing became labored, and he couldn’t calm himself to a reasonable pace.
The weight on his chest scared him and almost sent him into a panic.
He climbed from his bed and paced his chamber, willing his anxieties to subside.
Jude forced himself to draw another deep breath and when that didn’t ease his chest, the panic set in again.
When it occurred, he needed the one thing that helped to get his mind and body under control. He could attempt to accomplish the task with his own hand, or he could visit one of his mistresses in the middle of the night.
He didn’t keep just one mistress, because he didn’t want to risk any attachment.
It seemed reasonable in his mind that if he had multiple ladies at his disposal to visit he wouldn’t get attached to any of them.
And most of them had stayed with him over the past few years, besides Ann, who ended their arrangement.
But he still had three others he frequented and didn’t bother replacing her.
Jude knew he was an arse, but what else was new?
And the notion of taking care of it himself wasn’t appealing, so he dressed himself.
He could wake up his valet, Carter, but he didn’t want to waste the time, or face the knowing looks from the man.
The faster he dressed and got the whole thing over with, the faster he might return and attempt to sleep again.
His head groom was used to his late-night needs for a carriage. As soon as he appeared at his mews, the groom that was awake set about readying the carriage to take him across town.
Once he was inside of his carriage and heading to Kitty’s, he admonished himself.
He was a grown man, a marquess and peer of the realm, and he was hard pressed to get a restful night’s sleep.
If anyone knew just how broken he was, how his father had treated him, he was sure they would pity him.
His friends would offer him compassion and understanding, but their eyes would hold the pity for his embarrassment and shame which had haunted him since his childhood.
He had cultivated a life that no one pitied.
He was the most notorious man of society.
All the women dreamt of him, and all the men wanted to be him.
He preferred to keep it that way and keep his secrets to himself.
Never would he marry and allow anyone to peek behind the curtain, which separated who he really was from what society perceived him to be.
Even his best friend, Evan, did not know how Jude spent his time, or the real reason why he so scandalously kept a bevy of mistresses at his fingertips.
The women weren’t even aware. They didn’t seem to mind the arrangement, given that they were provided for and he distributed his attention, so he didn’t darken their respective doorsteps all that often.
He had kept the same women for the last couple of years, Kitty and Dolly. He had Ann as well for a while a few years back, but she ended their arrangement rather suddenly. She likely found a more intriguing offer from a gentleman who would pay her more attention than Jude ever would.
Jude enjoyed the pleasure of a woman’s company as much as the next man, or at least he used to. Over the last year his needs had been more of a necessity than enjoyment. Most evenings, he just wished for a peaceful night’s sleep.
He knocked on the door of a small lodging outside of the fashionable Mayfair area where he lived. A voluptuous blonde answered the door.
“Well, I was hoping you might show your handsome face here tonight,” she said.
She stepped aside so that he could enter. “I was about to see to my own needs.”
“Well, don’t hold back on my account.”
The primary benefit of his arrangement was that they could get right to the point and then he could take his leave.
A quarter hour later, he reentered his carriage.
Closing his eyes, he exhaled, the anxiety that had built within him from the nightmare finally under control.
His breath had become even, and the weight lifted from his chest. He buried his head in his hands.
He hated being that way. Jude had long given up on a normal life and happiness, but one would think that he might make it even a few weeks with a normal night’s sleep.
He didn’t prefer the life of a gentleman unable to form a real attachment with a woman and keeping mistresses at arm’s length. But he had long come to accept that it was what his future held.
At least his breathing had returned to normal, and at last he grew exhausted.
By the time he reached his home again, he stumbled upstairs and stripped away his clothing before tumbling into his bed.
He pulled the covers over himself and settled on his side, hugging a pillow to himself.
In a matter of moments, he went back to sleep.
*
The next morning, Jude woke up, not feeling all that rested. The nightmares didn’t return, but the fear of them kept him from allowing himself to fall into a deep sleep. He rang for Carter to help him dress.
“Rough night, my lord?” Carter asked.
Carter was no stranger to Jude’s night terrors but asked little more than that about them.
“A bit. I think I shall break my fast at my club today.”
His valet shaved him and helped him dress for the day. Jude looked in the mirror and aside from the slight dark circles under his eyes, he looked well turned out. Coffee and a hot meal would be just the thing.
Soon he found himself seated at White’s with a breakfast plate in front of him. He didn’t have much of an appetite, but he forced himself to eat, anyway.
“Would you mind a breakfast companion?” a familiar voice asked.
Jude looked up to see Matt standing before him. Matt was one of the happiest people he had ever met, and Jude could only hope some of the man’s jovial spirit might be catching and would improve his mood. “Take a seat.”
Matt caught the attendant’s attention and ordered his breakfast. “It’s dreadfully boring to eat by oneself every morning.”
“I quite agree,” Jude said. He was far lonelier than he’d ever admit to his friends, or anyone, for that matter.
“You look like you had an eventful evening.” Matt smirked at him. “Will there be some new wild story about you in the gossip sheets, friend?”
Jude forced himself to wear the mask of confidence his friends had come to expect from him. “Well, it’s become my duty to give them something to talk about.”
The attendant placed Matt’s plate and a cup of coffee in front of him.
“I take it you had a pleasurable evening then,” Matt said, before taking a bite of eggs.
“Indeed.”
Matt eyed him, and Jude was disconcerted under his assessment. “Don’t you ever tire of your escapades? Surely you wish to settle down at some point.”
Jude laughed, but he knew the mirth didn’t reach his eyes. “Now you sound like Evan, my good man. He believes I should be set for the altar now that he’s leg shackled himself.”
Unfortunately for Jude, Matt didn’t relent. “You didn’t answer my question. You aren’t tired of being the talk of the ton?”
Yes. Not that he could admit it. “Why should I be? I live a most contented life. What about you? Where is your wife, my jolly friend?”
Matt frowned. “Out there somewhere, I suppose.”
“I think that may be the first time I haven’t seen you smile, my good man.” That was interesting, indeed.
“I don’t run from the yoke, just must ascertain who the right bride is.”
Jude laughed and patted him on the arm. “I’m sure she’ll make herself known to you soon enough. You’ll be the next of our set to marry, I wager.”
“Well, if you and Onslow are the competition, the odds are certainly in my favor,” Matt said.
The man wasn’t wrong about that.
“Elias had to go and shock us all by marrying first. And now he’s a father.
I never thought I’d see the day,” Jude remarked.
Elias had been his partner in crime. He had similar rules for his dalliances as Jude and had sworn to never allow himself to fall in love.
All that changed when he met Lydia, and he had become the besotted family man.
Jude envied his friend and his ability to find happiness.
Unfortunately, Jude’s demons weren’t the same as Elias’s, and through the love of his wife, Elias beat his. Jude wouldn’t be so fortunate.
Then his best friend, Evan, also went and married and was expecting his first child, too. Matt and Hudson would also marry, and Jude would one day find himself alone, while all of his friends focused on their growing families.
Sure, he’d be invited to holidays and celebrations, but he’d be the awkward uncle to his friend’s children who even the ton would eventually tire of talking about. His life had already become quite boring, not that he’d admit that to anyone but himself.
“Indeed. Graham and Evan followed in his footsteps,” Matt said.
“Have you been to see Graham and Diana?” Jude asked.
Matt beamed. As always. “I have. I take my responsibility as Oliver’s godfather seriously. He’s such a sweet babe and looks just like Graham. They won’t be in town for the season, but I plan to visit them again soon.”
“Evan stated in his most recent letter that Graham and Diana would join him and Marina at their country estate after Marina gives birth to their babe.”
“Perhaps this season will be as eventful as the last. Juliana is sure to catch a lot of attention,” Matt said, then took a quick sip of his coffee.
Jude narrowed his eyes at Matt. “Why would you say that?” Jude eased his expression, unsure where that reaction came from. There was something about her. Some goodness and light drew him to her, and he didn’t care to ponder the thought any further than that.
“Don’t misunderstand me. I have no interest. But she had a line of suitors waiting to dance with her last night.”
“I told her to let me know if they should make advances,” Jude said. He only hoped she would listen. She was such a kind soul, and it might be far too easy for one of those men to take advantage of her.
Matt nodded. “Good call. It’s only a matter of time before her name appears in the betting books here.”
Jude sipped his coffee to hide his frustration. His friend was right. The men would place bets on who would be the first to bed her. He would need to watch her more closely than he originally thought.