Chapter Twenty-One
Between thoughts of Molly, fatigue over Harley’s constant bullshit, and annoyance toward Diesel and Rule, CJ felt out-of-sorts and overwhelmed. After everything else that had happened in the past three months, he couldn’t believe one night of bullshit finally broke him.
Perhaps, the residual effect of Torie’s death still fucked with his head.
Not that she was gone . She’d caused so many problems for Mom and Dad, CJ didn’t give a fuck how she got out of the picture.
Just that they’d finally have peace from her torment.
The memory of his father’s coldness and lack of humanity haunted him.
He’d heard the stories. Outlaw— Dad —was legendary.
But actually seeing that side of him affected CJ.
His admiration of his father ran deep. He’d never made a secret of his feelings. From a young age, he wanted to emulate his father’s dress, his cussing, his badassery, and… him . He’d never feared his father. Or doubted him.
Being the son of a legend had never been easy. Yet, he’d always been proud to be known as Outlaw’s son.
Now?
He feared he’d never live up to Dad’s reputation.
That, somehow, he’d fail all the many expectations everyone placed on his shoulders.
He wondered if Dad’s brutality would take front and center now that Mom was so fucking fed up, she didn’t give a fuck who he fucked up.
Worse, he doubted he could stomach looking someone in the eyes and killing them, no matter how much they deserved it.
Dad said CJ had to reconcile the two sides of him—Outlaw and Christopher—if he wanted to patch in. If he ever fell in love, he’d end up with dual personas, too. It was the only way he could be a club leader and a family man.
More depressing was CJ’s realization that he didn’t give a fuck that Torie was dead.
She’d fucked over Mom and ignored his warnings to back off as well as Diesel’s and Dad’s.
When he thought further, CJ also concluded he didn’t even give a fuck that Dad had strangled her for over five minutes.
Or that her mouth, nose, and ears began to bleed. Or that she pissed herself.
Fuck, he didn’t even care that Dad obliterated her beautiful face by pumping twelve hollow point bullets into her head.
It was…it was…
What ?
A type of lost innocence he’d never reclaim? The sudden awareness of the fragility of life? Here one moment and gone five and a half minutes later? Actually, sooner. Dad’s hands were lethal .
Leaning against the sofa in the den, CJ tipped his head up and stared at the ceiling.
It was bright white and inlaid with futuristic track lighting, complementing the butter-yellow walls.
He knew Mom was searching for another chandelier for the entrance hall.
By the time she found it, she’d want another major redecoration of the house.
Or, maybe not. Love and happiness didn’t fill her these days.
Fuck yous and fuck offs replaced her well of kindness that everyone relied on.
Maybe, the home Mom created for Dad and their children would become a house, cold walls filled with expensive furnishings but no warmth, laughter, and joy.
No peace. Because the queen had lost faith in her king and his heirs.
Scraping his fingers through his hair, he closed his eyes. The house was quiet, though his parents hadn’t turned in yet. His brothers were scattered about and Rebel had stormed upstairs not long after everyone left.
CJ had never felt lonelier. Even more so than when Mom was in the hospital and Dad refused to leave her side. If CJ could go back in time, he’d find a way to limit Torie’s time in NICU when Dad was there. Or something .
“CJ?”
At the sound of his mother’s voice, he lifted his head as she walked into the room. She stopped in front of him and he smiled at her.
“You look so pretty, Mom,” he said, meaning it.
“Thank you, son.” She studied him. “Do you need to talk? Are you okay?”
He appreciated how quickly she assessed situations. “Yeah, Mom. ”
Sighing, she sat next to him and wrapped her arm around him, then urged his head onto her shoulder. Her cherry blossom scent enveloped him.
“I’m trying to give you your space, CJ,” she said. “Respect your new boundaries, but it is so hard to see you in such a state. I don’t know if I’ll ever not see you as my potato.”
He grinned, her words soothing something inside of him. “I’ll always be your potato.”
“Tell me that after you fall in love,” she said with a small chuckle.
He missed his mother’s giggles. They were happier and carefree. The only time he’d heard it recently was because of Easton Love.
Dad breezed in, beer in hand, and followed by Diesel.
Lifting his head from his mother’s shoulder, CJ pasted a smile on his face and gave Diesel a pointed look. “Just the motherfucker I want to see.”
He was out of his fucking mind to keep fucking with Rebel. Not only was the stupid motherfucker risking his goddamn life at Dad’s hands but he was subjecting Rebel to Rule’s judgmental bullshit.
Diesel lifted a brow. He was big on respect from lower-ranking members, hangarounds, probates, and prospects. CJ didn’t give a fuck. This was a family matter not a club one and he’d beat Diesel’s ass.
“Come with me to the club and have a beer. We can talk there.”
Sipping his own beer, Dad glanced between them. “What the fuck’s goin’ on?”
“It’s a school night,” Mom inserted before either CJ or Diesel answered. “You can’t go to the club. You didn’t go to school today, so you must go tomorrow.”
CJ, Dad, and Diesel all looked at her.
She frowned. “I know you…” Voice trailing off, she drew in a deep breath and glanced at each of them before settling on CJ.
“I understand you no longer th ink school’s important and that’s your choice.
I-I…you’re my firstborn and I’ve always dreamed of seeing you walk across the stage for your diploma.
It doesn’t matter,” she babbled. “Neither your daddy or I finished high school. And…and Jay-Z, Katy Perry, Quentin Tarrantino, and Sir Richard Branson didn’t either—”
“A wild variation,” Diesel observed, the same relief CJ felt and on Dad’s face, in his tone.
Mom was babbling! That sweet, kind, gentle Mom was still inside her.
Dad’s grin was wider than it had been in weeks. “Baby, shut the fuck up. Me, you, and CJ sittin’ down to talk in a few days about his future—”
“I might not go to college, Mom,” CJ interrupted, “but I promise I’ll finish high school.”
She heaved in a breath. “You can go to the club.”
She looked at Dad, and he nodded. “One hour not hurtin’ nothin’, baby,” he told her.
“You and Uncle Chris own the school, Aunt Meggie,” Diesel added. “CJ’s smart. If we need to bribe, threaten, or, uh, cajole , he’ll graduate on time no matter his absences.”
Again, CJ, Dad, and Diesel looked at her, awaiting her response. The Mom of old, who reined in Dad’s killer instincts, wouldn’t want to use their position to cheat the system.
“If we have to do that, make sure there’s a reasonable explanation,” she ordered.
“Leave as little paper trail as possible.” She looked at Diesel.
“I’ll let you know when we’re talking about this situation, son.
You must be there to tell me how much money I’ll need to have ready, so I can give the bank manager a head’s up.
” She turned to Dad, either not seeing or ignoring their stricken looks. “I’ll see you upstairs.”
“I love you, baby.”
“I love you, too, Christopher,” she said quietly .
CJ hadn’t had a chance to talk to her and reassure her that she had nothing to worry about with the brothers after his and Diesel’s warnings that morning.
Dad watched her walk out, then he emptied his bottle and drew in a deep breath. “She turnin’ into Ma Caldwell. I thought my sweet angel was comin’ back.” He sounded shell-shocked. “I fuckin’ did this to her.”
“Ma Barker was vicious, Uncle Christopher,” Diesel soothed. “Aunt Meggie will never turn cruel and brutal.”
“She ordered me to fuckin’ kill Torie.”
“Because that cunt deserved to fucking die,” Diesel said flatly.
Dad walked to the bar and set his empty bottle down, then shoved his fingers through his hair. “She did.” He gave CJ a sad smile. “Go and enjoy yourself at the club. I’m gonna talk to your ma.” He walked out without looking back.
Once Dad’s footsteps faded completely, CJ turned to Diesel and glared at him. “You got a fucking death wish, asshole? Stay the fuck out of Rebel’s room.”
Diesel stepped up to CJ, his face hardening. “What I fucking do is of no concern of yours. Remember that before you get in my fucking business or else.” His tone held a deadly warning.
CJ shoved him. “Fuck you,” he snarled. “It’s my fucking business when Rebel’s involved.”
A pained expression crossed Diesel’s face and he lost some of his hostility. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t fucking apologize, fuckbreath. Stay the fuck out of Rebel’s room before you leave me no choice but to tell Dad.
You want her so fucking bad? Divorce Tabitha and wait until Rebel’s eighteen.
Case fucking closed, Diesel. I’m not revisiting this with you again.
The next time, I’m singing like a fucking canary to Dad on you and motherfucking Rule. ”
Turning on his heel, CJ stormed away, not caring if Diesel followed or not. A beer at the club might be better served without that dickhead, anyway.
It had started to storm outside again. Meggie noticed the rain as she reached the third floor and walked down the hallway, with sections of floor-to-ceiling windows, interspersed with Doric columns and white walls.
Christopher’s favorite black and white photos of her hung on the walls, creating his own personal monument.