Chapter 13 Raff
Thirteen
Raff
You Should Probably Leave – Chris Stapleton
Jo sleeps curled against me breathing soft and steady.
I don’t sleep. I stare at the ceiling with my arm draped against her back tracing slow circles on her bare skin.
Her words play over in my head. The pain and fear of talking about Jonah gets to me.
He is Justice’s father. Gone before he ever got to hold his baby boy.
I knew about Jonah. Sara gave me a brief run down once when I asked after meeting Jo that first time. The way she hesitated to embrace our new relationship makes sense. I contributed it to Brett, but seeing her worry about my reaction to Jonah, I get it.
She is caught between two places. The life she lost and dreamt of having versus the reality of here and now. Those dreams will never come to be. She’s had to pivot and create new ones.
I don’t want her to ever feel like she needs to forget the past. Hell, if anyone had what she shared with Jonah and lost it in such a tragic way, I can’t say they would be as strong as Josie has been. I sure as shit wouldn’t be able to put my life back together.
She shifts against me mumbling into the night. I tighten my hold, pressing my lips to her hair. She relaxes and falls into a deep sleep again.
For her to care about my reaction to her connection to Jonah tells me I matter.
But it also tells me I need to give her confidence in where we are together.
I don’t ever want Jonah not to be part of her life or Justice’s.
He can forever linger in our spaces. He just can’t come between us because I cannot compete with a ghost. No one can.
She loved him deeply. He gave her the gift of her son who is the most amazing little boy. There is respect owed to him that I will forever give him. There is nothing for me to be mad about, nothing to fix, and nothing for her to worry about. She’s here with me and that’s what matters.
As comfortable as it is to spend the night with her in my arms and wake much the same, I am not the man to playhouse.
I don’t want to push her. Moving in together is too fast for her and for Justice.
But I don’t want to give him the wrong impression finding me here every night and morning either.
He’s young, impressionable, and not really at an age to understand the dynamic of his mom having a new relationship.
For this moment, I’ll embrace this, commit it to memory for when I’m not here or I’m on a run. Eventually, I will have every night like this with her for the rest of our days.
Jo wakes before me slipping out of bed. The early light filters in through the window. I hear her moving about in the kitchen. The quiet clink of dishes and the smell of bacon let me know she is already making breakfast.
We eat and Justice takes off to get dressed for the day. Moving into the kitchen I take the plate from her hand, resting it in the sink.
“Jo,” I mutter turning her in my arms to face me. “Don’t wanna do this without talkin’ to you first.”
“Mmm,” she smiles but raises her eyebrow questioning me.
“Bought a bike,” I begin and her eyes narrow like she doesn’t understand.
She pats my chest, “get the cut is hanging on the chair, Raff, but you don’t have to talk to me about buyin’ a bike, babe.”
I let out a laugh, “well, the way I see our future, if I’m buying anything big, I should clear it with you. I didn’t buy that kind of bike. I bought a bike without training wheels for Justice.”
Her mouth drops open in shock.
“Noticed he loves to ride his bike, and I could take those training wheels off, but he’s getting taller, so found him one that is kitted out to look like a Harley. Pressing a button and it makes exhaust noises and everything.”
“Where did you find that? He’s gonna love it!”
She reaches up wrapping her hands around my neck and pulling me in for a kiss.
“I take it you’re okay with this purchase.”
She nods excitedly. “He’s gonna be stoked!”
“Thought maybe today I could teach him to ride it, but I didn’t want to put you in a bad spot to say no if you didn’t want him to do it by showing it to him before talkin’ with you.”
“I think this is gonna better than his last birthday,” she laughs as I take over doing dishes.
“Go put some clothes on, Mom. We got a boy to teach to ride a bike today.” I tell her with a wet palm to her ass. She yelps before a soft kiss to my cheek and heading off to get dressed.
Outside, I stroll over to my house, first changing into some loose shorts, a t-shirt and tennis shoes. Then I take Justice to my garage where I have his custom bicycle painted the same red as Ruby parked right beside my Harley.
He looks at the bike, he looks to his mom, and then back to the bike.
“This one is my size,” he whispers turning his gaze to me.
“Then I’m thinkin’ you need to try it out.”
His eyes are wide in anticipation. “Really?”
In moments, I have a helmet on him and the bike rolled out into the middle of the cul-de-sac.
He’s nervous. It’s obvious in how he grips the handlebars. His fingers squeezing so tight his knuckles are white.
“It’s not gonna buck you off like a bronco, Justice,” I try encouraging him. “Remember I showed you the most important thing, which is?”
“Brakes!”
“Yes, as long as we have our stop we can manage our go.”
“You sure I can do this, Dean?”
I nod, “abso-freakin’-lutely.”
He doesn’t seem convinced. He bites his bottom lip focusing.
“You ready?”
Jo stands beside us, arms crossed, watching intently. I know she’s nervous, but as mom’s know there are milestones to every part of life for every kid. Riding a bike without training wheels is one of them.
“You won’t let go, right?” he asks looking to me.
“Not ‘til you’re ready.”
He takes a big breath. I grip the back of the seat as he starts pedaling, keeping him stead. He wobbles a bit, trying to find his balance, but I stay in stride beside him holding on.
“Don’t think about it, just feel the bike.”
He still focuses in front of him.
In a few moments, he is staying steady and picking up speed. I feel him settle in and stop second guessing. We get turned around and headed back down the street towards the cul-de-sac where Jo is waiting the excitement written all over her face.
He gets a rhythm going. I know it’s time.
“I’m gonna let go, you keep doin’ just like you’re doin.”
“Okay,” his voice cracks, “I can do it.”
“Yes, you can. You got this!” I release him and off he goes.
He keeps at it grinning wide at his mom with the wind in his face. “I’m doing it! Dean, I’m doing it!”
I don’t take my eyes off him as he makes it to his mom and hits the brake.
He wobbles not expecting the stop to come as it did.
Jo hugs him as he remains upright but definitely a little nervous.
We celebrate and then he takes off with a little steadying from me and rides again. We do this for a bit.
Then like most boys, he gets comfortable. He glances back over his shoulder at me and Jo standing in wait for him. The bike wobbles as he turns back around and, in an instant, he’s headed off the road and into the grass where he crashes.
I job over getting to him first. “You okay?”
“I fell.” He tells me frowning.
“Well, it happens to us all from time to time.” I explain as Jo joins us giving him a mom once over but not reacting. Adjusting his helmet, I continue, “ya know I was once told it’s not the fall that gets ya.”
Justice says, “huh?”
“Nope, it’s the sudden stop.”
Jo lets out a laugh while Justice studies me not getting the joke.
“Look how long you rode. I bet your legs are tired and your belly is hungry. Let’s celebrate the wins for today and get some pizza.”
His eyes study the distance he rode down the street. “I went pretty far.”
“Yeah ya did.”
“Bet my legs just gave out on me.”
I nod as he picks up the bike and climbs back on. “Yeah, I bet they did.”
“I’ll ride it back to the garage. Park her by Ruby.”
“Um Justice, you can’t take up space in Dean’s garage.”
Justice blows out a breath. “Mom, bikes are man things. Gotta give her a name and she needs to be in the garage. Can’t leave bikes out like that.”
“Might want to check with Dean, it is his garage.”
“Dean,” he looks to me, “tell Mom, Jubi needs to be beside Ruby.”
I smirk, “Jubi?”
“Yeah, I’m thinking she’s sparkly like Ruby and red, but mom’s middle name is Jubilee so Jubi. And she looks good beside Ruby.”
“I think you’re right. She has her spot so ride her on in.”
Jo playfully pats my arm as we watch Justice ride up and park the bike in my garage. “You spoil him.”
“Got one life to live. Get one chance to be innocent and free from the heavy. I’m happy to help him keep his a little longer.”
She nods and gives my arm a gentle squeeze as we approach the garage.
“I know I fell today, but tomorrow can we ride some more?”
“You wanna keep riding?” Jo asks.
“Oh yeah,” Justice tells her getting his helmet off.
We spend the day mostly outside with Justice riding his bike before I take us all out to dinner. By the time I pull into our driveway, Justice is half-asleep in her backseat. He went hard all day, and it’s caught up to him.
Jo glances over to me as I put the SUV in park, “thank you for today.”
I smile as I exit her car, rounding it, going to Justice, unbuckling him before scooping him up. He mumbles against my shoulder as I carry him inside and to his bed. Jo is right behind as I tuck him in.
She moves to slide his shorts off and shirt as he remains in a semi-sleep haze. The seasoned mom Jo is, gets his pajamas on while he settles in. I move to cover him once again with his blanket when he reaches out and tugs are my shirt sleeves. “Stay, Dean.”
I look to Jo, and she nods with a soft smile. I pick up the book on his nightstand while sitting beside him and begin to read.
Jo moves to the doorway turning around and leaning against the frame watching. I don’t look at her, but I feel her. I feel the connection of this something we are building between us. By the time I reach the end of the book, Justice is soundly sleeping. I stand and ease my way out of his room.
As much as I want to stay the night, I’m not going to. I turn to her at the front door. Brushing my thumb over her cheek before pressing my lips softly to hers, I whisper, “night, Jo.”
Her breath catches, “night, Dean.”
“I’m next door if you need me.”
I step back out of the door and walk straight over to my place knowing she’s standing there watching me. “Lock up, Jo,” I call out and hear her laugh.
“I have a neighbor who looks out for me,” she teases, and I find myself smiling.
“Always watching out for you, baby.” I respond as I turn to watch her fall back inside her house and know she’s locked the door as I get the alert on my phone for her alarm.
Yes, I have it bad for her.
Morning comes and I step outside to make my way next door for breakfast. I find Justice is in the driveway with Jo behind him carrying a coffee and bagel.
“Dean! I was coming to bring you breakfast.” He explains with exuberance.
“I see that,” I reply leaning over to kiss Jo softly as I take the coffee and bagel.
“You wanna ride for a bit this morning?” I ask looking over to my garage where his bike is propped on its kickstand between my two Harley’s.
“Yeah, but maybe not the crashing part.”
I chuckle taking a bite of the bagel, “falling is part of life. It’s how you pick yourself up that defines you.”
“Just remember what Dean taught you. Relax into it,” Jo encourages as Justice puts on his helmet.
“Take it slow,” I tell him as he begins to take off around the cul-de-sac. This time his confidence is there in the beginning. His legs push the pedals as his balance maintains steady. I jog beside him just to help him feel secure.
After a beat, he takes a break and I crouch down, bumping fists. “You got this.”
His eyes move to his mom, “Can we ride to the park? Braylen says his dad rides his Harley beside him to the park.”
I look to Jo unsure how she will feel about this.
Yes, Smoke bought both his kids these electric bikes that are set up to look like mini motorcycles with turn signals and sounds.
He does let ‘take them on rides’ to the park.
Jo studies me and I shrug. We don’t get on a highway to go to the park, and we can go slow.
“You up for a ride, Dean?” Jo asks raising her eyebrows at me with a smile.
“Always,” I tell them both making my way back to my garage.
Leaving my helmet off, I get on the bike, have Jo hop on behind me and we let Justice lead the way. Justice squeals with joy while Jo gives me a comforting squeeze.
This is everything I never knew I wanted.
But I damn sure won’t let it go.