51. Ivy Thompson
IVY THOMPSON
JJ:
He knows.
I’m sorry.
He asked if we’re together and I couldn’t lie to him any longer.
I ’ve practically chewed the entirety of my finger off after getting home and expecting Finn and JJ to be here. But they’re not, and the wait feels like agony.
I have no idea how Finn found out, although I bet I’m about to receive a lashing for it.
But he doesn’t get to dictate my relationship this time.
My stomach crashes with nausea the longer I wait. I’m sure I’ve permanently marked the flooring in our kitchen from where I’ve been pacing back and forth like a woman who has lost her head.
I lean over the counter and press my elbows into it. My hands cover my face as I try to regulate my breathing. I wish I was there to listen to the conversation, to know exactly what is going to happen when they come home.
Whatever happens, I pray it doesn’t make Finn want to pick up a bottle and drink himself stupid.
As the front door swings open, I blink and push myself up from the counter. JJ and Finn emerge, neither of them covered in blood or bruises, so I presume no fists were involved.
“Hey,” I whisper.
Finn raises his eyes to me, and he looks like he’s been to hell and back.
JJ shuts the door behind him and follows us over to the kitchen. My heart flutters when he looks at me and offers me a supportive smile, especially now that Finn knows everything. I draw my gaze to my brother and watch as he presses his palms to the counter.
For a long moment, he’s silent, and I don’t know if that’s worse than him screaming at me. His gaze is low as he says, “I would like more answers.”
I gulp and look at JJ, who steps to my side, his fingers brushing my bare leg out of Finn’s eyesight.
“You okay?” he asks quietly.
My lips open, but I shut them and nod instead. Now is not the time to showcase our relationship in front of him. I twist my head and find Finn staring back at us, looking lost and startled.
“Why did it take you so long to tell me?” His tone dips, and I swallow.
“Because I couldn’t find the right time to tell you.”
Finn scoffs. “The right time?” he exclaims, and I flinch when his voice echoes around the kitchen. “There was never going to be a right time.”
I blink once when his eyes focus on only me. “I’m not asking you for permission, Finn. I’m an adult. I can make my own decisions. And after everything that happened with Ben, I really don’t think you have the right to try and destroy this too.”
His eyes waver for a moment, and guilt slashes through me.
“I said I was sorry, Ivy.”
“I know.”
Finn presses a hand to his temple. “You’ve been laughing at me this entire summer, haven’t you?”
“What?” I recoil from his accusation. “No. We’ve been trying to figure out how to tell you without damaging your health.”
His nostrils flare. “Oh, because you thought my alcohol problem would ruin everything, like I always fucking do.” I tilt my head back when he walks towards me. “But ask yourself this, Ivy. Why do you keep dating my friends?”
Another step, and JJ is there like a flash of lightning. He presses a hand to Finn’s shoulder and shoves him back lightly. “Step back, Finn. I fucking mean it.”
The tone of JJ’s voice sends a shudder down my spine.
Finn’s comment rips a gaping hole in my chest, and I try not to take it to heart because I know this isn’t the best news to hear when you’ve just got out of rehab.
Finn shakes his head, his face falling in shock, as if he can’t believe what he said. “I-I didn’t mean that, Ivy,” he exhales jaggedly. “I’m just?—”
“You’re upset,” I finish for him. “I get it.”
He nods solemnly and drags a hand down his face. “It’s hard to hear… again .”
“That’s not her problem,” JJ snaps.
Finn shoots him a glare. “Oh, and it’s my problem?”
“Yes.” JJ folds his arms over his chest. “You’re an adult, Finn. We’re all adults, and you’re acting like an immature child.”
“Sorry that I need time to digest this information.” Finn’s jaw ticks in frustration. “Unlike you guys. You’ve only just decided to tell me about it.”
“You don’t need to be rude to Ivy.” JJ’s voice is low and makes me shudder. “Who she dates isn’t any of your business, and blaming her?—”
Finn’s mouth falls open. “I wasn’t blaming her.”
“No? Because that’s what it sounded like, and I’m not going to stand for it.”
“You’re putting words in my mouth, JJ. That is not fair.”
“Do you know what else isn’t fair? Be?—”
JJ’s voice begins to fizzle out into a muffled sound. Finn starts shouting back. The kitchen explodes into endless bickering, but I can’t hear a single thing they’re saying.
My ears start to ring, and pressure builds in my eyes.
“Stop!” I say as loudly as I can. “Stop shouting at each other.”
My knees begin to quiver as their voices become quieter until the kitchen is silent and all I can hear is my heavy, uneven breathing.
“Ivy.” JJ’s voice echoes through my ears.
His arm wraps around my waist. I attempt to catch my breath before I set myself off. I’m not falling down this rabbit hole again.
“Stop it,” I say through gritted teeth.
JJ cups my face and I study his blue eyes, forcing them to bring me back to reality. “Breathe,” he instructs me, and I do as he says. “Breathe. Slowly.”
I shift my watery eyes up to find Finn staring at us with a look on his face that I’ve never seen before. He’s not angry or disgusted—he looks dishevelled. His eyes are low and lids are hooded. There is something in the way that he blinks that makes me see a different side to his emotions.
“I trod on eggshells around you, Finn,” I croak. “And I’m done putting your feelings before my own. This is what I want. JJ makes me happy, and if you can’t see that, then I’m done with this. I’m done with you.”
JJ buries his hand in the back of my hair and makes me look at him. He searches my face and wipes my tear-stained cheeks with his thumbs. “Are you okay?”
I shake my head. “No. I hate this. I hate?—”
My body trembles again, and JJ clutches me to him. “Easy,” he whispers. “Take a breath, Ivy. Take a breath.”
My lips part, and I take in air and exhale once my lungs are full.
With JJ’s arms firmly around me, I remind myself that I’m okay.
“Ivy—” Finn’s voice is calmer now.
JJ stiffens behind me. “Finn, if you say another fucking word.”
“I’m sorry.” He trembles, shaking his head towards me. “I didn’t mean to set you off.”
“I think we need to leave this alone for today,” JJ states, his fingers massaging the back of my neck delicately. “Emotions are too high right now, and we all need a night to sleep on everything.”
Finn drifts his eyes between us and focuses on our entwined hands that are wrapped around my stomach, then to the hand that’s in the back of my hair, soothing me.
“Fine,” he agrees.
Then he tears his gaze away from us and slowly walks upstairs. I sigh and droop back into JJ’s warm embrace. He drops his hand from the back of my head and caresses my arm gently.
“I’m sorry,” he says. “I’ll sit here with you for however long you need. I promise I’m not going anywhere.”
My eyes sting, hating how emotional I am right now. I wish I could snap my fingers and everything would magically figure itself out. The last thing I want is this pain and guilt that looms over my head like a dark cloud of shame.
But we shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to be with each other.
Especially when I know it’s right.
“I want to go to bed,” I admit.
“Okay.”
Without hesitation, he bends down and lifts me up. My legs sweep off the floor and wrap around his waist, my hands winding around his neck. I practically collapse into him, exhausted.
As soon as he starts moving, I cling onto him, but I already know that he’s got me. He’s always got me. We reach the stairs, and he climbs us to the top before opening my bedroom door and carrying us inside.
He kicks off his shoes before dropping us onto my bed softly. I bury my head into his neck, wanting to forget the entire day.
I pull my head back slowly and glance up at him through my swollen eyes.
“I feel awful for doing this when he just left rehab, but what I said is true. You told me to claim back my life, and I am. This is what I want, and I’m taking it for myself.
I’m done with putting others’ happiness before my own. ”
“Ivy.” He strokes my cheek, staring at me in awe. “I am so proud of you.”
“I’m over worrying about what he thinks, because I know this is right. Being with you feels right,” I whisper. “And I don’t want anything else.”
He kisses my temple.
“But sometimes…”
“What?”
I chew on my lip. “Sometimes I kind of wish we met under different circumstances, to save ourselves from all of this mess.”
He exhales through his nose sharply, and I meet his eyes again. He looks devastated, and that’s not how I want him to feel. He drops his hand from my face.
“Do you regret sleeping with me the first time we met?” His voice is hoarse.
“No.” I furrow my brows. “I liked you. I liked what we had?—”
“But now?”
“But now I love you.”
JJ’s expression twists to a mixture of relief and reassurance, and my stomach lurches. The words I’ve been dying to say for weeks. The words I’ve felt for so long but been too terrified to voice.
“Do you regret sleeping with me?” I whisper.
He leans forward and presses his hand to my cheek, pulling our faces together again.
“I’m in love with you, Ivy. How can I regret anything when it comes to you?”
My lips part shakily, and I resist the urge to cry.
“You do realise that even if we didn’t sleep together that night or if I didn’t even meet you then, when I saw you here, I would have still wanted you the same.
The fact that we slept together means nothing because I would have still been drawn to you.
” JJ swipes his thumb across my cheek. “And I know you would have wanted me, too. You cannot deny the connection we have.”
I chew on my lip as he leans forward and kisses the corner of my mouth.
“When I woke up the morning after we met to find that you were gone, I was fucking distraught. I had no idea how to find you, how to get in contact with you. And then when I saw you here, I knew it was fate.” He brushes his thumb over my cheekbone. “We had unfinished business.”
My heart pounds in my throat because he’s right, it was fate.
“Finn will come around, I promise.”
“Knowing him, he might not.”
“Then that’s his issue. Not ours. If he wants to lose us both, then he’s the one who needs to see the bigger picture. He’s in shock right now. Hopefully over the next few days or weeks, he’ll have a better attitude towards it.” JJ tugs my bottom lip with his thumb.
I swallow. “Thank you for earlier.”
“You don’t need to thank me. It’s not your fault, princess.” He cups the back of my neck with his vacant hand. “And I’m always going to be there for you. Always.”