Chapter 20
Twenty
Omden
Drozel headed straight out of the house. I had a feeling he was going to tell Lessa a lot more than simply that Meri wasn't going to be living there. I also had a bad feeling she wouldn't take it well, but it sounded like he might have something to mollify her.
"So," I said, easing myself onto the cushion my partner had just vacated, "tell me how bad Droz confused you?"
"He didn't," Meri assured me. "He just skipped around a bit."
"You make him nervous," I explained. "Meri, you're more gentle than most women we're used to. He also knows what happened to you down there, and he hates it. He doesn't want to be anything like the Moles, and he's terrified he's going to scare you."
"He doesn't," she promised. "Well, he might startle me, but I'm not scared of him. I just flinch because my body hasn't caught up to my mind yet."
"Which is a great way to say it," I told her, trying to keep the tone light. "But it sounds like he was explaining something, didn't know how, and never gave you an answer?"
Her deep blue eyes jumped to the door, hung there for a moment, then came back. The afternoon light turned her hair a soft champagne color, adding a little warmth to her cheeks as well, but she was still too thin. Dangerously so, yet she didn't realize that. I did.
I also knew her heart-shaped face was my partner's weakness. Add in those full lips, the delicate - well, everything? Because this girl wasn't just starved, she was built to be one of the dainty types, and I swore the biggest men always had a weakness for that.
Lessa didn't, not usually. To me, that showed she liked this girl for more than her pretty face.
Granted, she and Drozel had the same weakness.
Both of them were protectors. They were both so damned strong they'd tear each other apart without me to keep them from doing it.
With Meri, I had a feeling she'd either thrive with that much protection around her, or shrink so much she forgot she was supposed to be free now.
That meant I needed to figure out which it was.
"He was telling me that living here wasn't keeping the pair of you from..." Her cheeks were flushing quickly. "...you know. Fucking."
"So he got to fucking," I said around a laugh. "Because that's not your word. Did he say anything about how it's okay for you to fuck a woman?"
"I think that may have been the part he was avoiding," she admitted. "See, I said moving in with Lessa felt..." And one more time, she trailed off, clearly not sure how to even talk about this.
"Meri, I can't dig the words out of your head, sweetie."
And she flopped her arms beside her. "Omden, I don't know the words. That's the problem. I just learned about fucking a minute ago!"
"Okay, so try it the way you know?" I suggested.
And she huffed in frustration, but did try.
"The thought of moving in with Lessa feels like my wedding day.
I knew I was leaving the room I shared with Ayla and Callah.
I knew it was the last time I'd be there, and I wanted to, but it felt like I wasn't ready.
I keep thinking this is too fast, and maybe that's because I keep moving? I mean, that's all it can be, right?"
"Or," I said carefully, "could it be that Lessa makes you feel the same way that man did at first? That you have a crush on her - "
"A what?" she broke in to ask.
"Crush," I said. "It's what we call it when we start to like someone, but don't know them well enough to be sure the feeling's right. It's attraction, but the blind kind. The kind that can be wrong."
"But Lessa's a woman!"
I lifted a brow and stared, waiting for her to put it together. When she shook her head in confusion, I knew I was going to have to lay this out for her.
"I'm a man. Drozel's a man. I had a big crush on him when we first met, and then I got to know him and fell in love. We've been partners for almost eleven years now."
"But you're Dragons," she said.
"People."
And everything about her changed. Meri blinked like I'd just thrown water in her face. A second later, her brow creased, her eyes dropped to a sunbeam on the floor, and she got very, very quiet.
"If marriages are only to produce children," I said softly, "then who you're attracted to wouldn't matter. You'd be equally repulsed by everyone for one reason or another."
Her head snapped over. "But Gideon was handsome! He was strong, and fit, and a good prospect!"
"Prospect," I repeated, picking out that word - but filing the rest away too.
"He fulfilled the social ideals you wanted to achieve.
He was attractive, which made his flirtations easier to accept, but would you have felt the same about an unattractive man who wasn't as, um, prospectful?
I don't know how you'd say it down there. "
"No," she mumbled. "I didn't want to marry an elder. They're all old!"
"Because you weren't attracted to them," I explained.
"But Gideon was handsome, and I think we all like the sexy ones.
And yes, Drozel is very sexy. From his thick tail all the way up to his broad chest?
I like those things. Maybe you do too, but Lessa is a beautiful woman.
She has luscious curves, high cheekbones, and her coloration is stunning.
Maybe something about the way she looks makes you wish you had it?
Or want to look at it longer? Lips are a common one people mention about women. "
"People?" she asked.
I nodded. "I am not attracted to women, Meri. None. Never. See, I'm gay."
"Happy or the other kind?"
Which made me chuckle. "Well, both, I suppose. But in this case, gay means I only like men sexually. I'm friends with women, but the same kind of friends you are with Ayla."
"Oh, but I'm not that sort of friends with Lessa?"
"Only you can answer that," I assured her. "And there's not a wrong answer. Jeera and Brielle are partners, Meri. They're no different than me and Drozel."
"But they have a boyfriend," she reminded me.
"Okay, a little different," I corrected. "Drozel likes men and women. Lessa likes men and women. I only like men. Ayla only likes men. There are some women who only like women, but most people are what we call polysexual."
"I'm getting confused," she admitted.
"There's homosexuals like me, and we call that gay.
There's heterosexuals like Ayla, and you'd call those people straight.
Then there are most people, who like what they like.
And maybe that's mostly men but some women, or all women and a few special men, or it could be people who are androgynous in one way or another.
The thing is, it doesn't matter. People - regardless of whether they have a tail or not - like what they like, and up here, we don't see anything wrong with it.
So, could that be why the idea of living with Lessa feels weird? "
She chewed on her lower lip, mulling it over for a lot longer than I thought. "Could that be why I keep thinking it's too soon?"
"Possibly," I agreed. "I mean, the last person you liked - " I had to stop myself.
"The only person you've liked before started out exciting, but then he betrayed you, hurt you, and you had to escape.
That makes trauma, and I'm not surprised at all that Lessa would trigger the same feeling.
She's loud. She's driven. She's always so sure about who she is and what she wants, and while that's appealing, it's also intimidating. "
"Yeah," she breathed. "But how would I know?"
"If you like her romantically or platonically?" I asked.
"I don't know those words," she admitted. "Well, the second one."
"Platonically is 'just friends.'"
She nodded. "Like Ayla." That sounded like she was telling it to herself. "Like you?"
"I hope it's like me," I teased. "I mean, otherwise I have some bad news for you. Me and you? Meri, that's not going to happen. I'm very gay, and while I can see if a woman is beautiful, it's like you seeing clothing as beautiful. It's a different sort of beauty, and not the kind you want to kiss."
Her eyes jumped up and were too wide. "Oh."
Yeah, I wasn't sure what that meant. I had a feeling she was trying to figure all of this out, but she probably wouldn't, at least not in a day. Not after the way her husband had twisted love and attraction into a weapon. Not with all the shit the Moles did to these women!
"It's okay to not know," I told her. "It's also okay to talk to me about it any time you want. I mean, I sometimes want someone to talk things out with, and that's why it's been nice having you around."
That earned me a little smile, but her eyes slid away. "Should I talk to Ayla about this?"
"Probably." And I reached over to palm her arm. "Meri, Ayla knows all about this too. Jeera and Brielle made sure of it because they didn't want to scare her."
"But Ayla never gets scared! Not like me."
"Oh, she does," I promised. "But what do you get scared of?"
"The baby," she breathed, glancing over, then away again.
This girl was like a skittish animal in so many ways. She didn't want to hold my gaze. She tried to make herself small when threatened. She also didn't realize she was doing any of it.
So I carefully asked, "Still?"
She nodded a little too quickly. The nervous kind. "I can't stop thinking he might look like Gideon."
"You won't know unless you see him."
"But -" She sighed. "I don't want everyone to think I'm horrible, Omden!"
"So don't be horrible," I told her. "Meri, you made that child.
That's nothing to be ashamed of. You kept him safe and brought him here - even when you should've been too weak to do that - and put him where you think he'd have a good life.
What are those things if not the most caring and amazing gift anyone could give another? "
"Yeah?"
"Yes," I insisted. "Trust me, Jeera and Brielle know that. They also know he was a burden to you, and one you carried through. They know how hard that was for you, and even the decision to give him up wasn't easy, but we can all see you did it for him - and you."
"I don't hate him," she assured me.
"I never thought you did. I just think you weren't ready for him."
And she bit her lips together, glancing away with a little more moisture in her eyes than she'd had before. "Maybe I can see him when I go for my checkup?"
"I can ask Jeera and Brielle to make that happen," I promised.
And her head snapped around. "But I want Ayla to go with me! She'll know if it's too much, and she'll help me, and she can be in the room, so it'll be okay, right?"
"And she's your sister," I added. "Yes, all of those things."
"Then what?" she asked. "When I see him, what am I supposed to do? Everyone acts like I'm going to want him back, but I don't. I don't want Gideon's child, and I know that. It's not a foolish woman thing either!"
"There are no such things," I told her. "There also aren't rules for this, Meri. All you can do is be honest. That's not the same as cruel, because you can be gentle with your honesty. I know. I've seen it."
"I don't want to be cruel like Gideon."
"And you're not," I said. "But there's a difference between being kind and being used by others. And being both strong and kind at the same time? It's not as easy as people make it out to be, but I think you can do it."
"How?" she breathed.
"Just like this," I assured her. "You ask when you don't know, you tell us when we don't, and you never do either one in a way that will hurt unless you have no other option."
"So, like, if I never want to see him again because he reminds me of Gideon, I can ask Jeera and Brielle to help with that?"
"Exactly like that," I agreed. "And if you let them know why you picked them?
I'm sure it might make them feel less like they're taking advantage of you, too.
Meri, they've wanted a baby for a while.
They can't have one because they both have tails, and you just gave them the greatest gift they can think of.
I promise they won't think less of you for any of this.
None of us will. Not for being confused, or giving that baby a great family, or if wanting to kiss Lessa is something that sounds nice. "
And while she didn't take my bait, the corners of her lips curled, making me think I was right. She'd thought about it. She did feel something for Lessa, but in the middle of everything else, it was too much for this girl to deal with right now.
But that was okay. We had time, and I was perfectly happy if she didn't go anywhere.