Chapter 21
Twenty-One
Ayla
Omden came over one day, asking for me. That confused me, but when he said it was because Meri wanted me to go to her checkup with her, I assured him I'd be there.
I actually liked that she'd asked for me, although he told me she'd also asked Jeera and Brielle to bring the baby, so I understood why she wanted me there.
This was going to be hard for her. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to carry a child, give birth to it, and then give it to someone else.
I couldn't imagine being pregnant either, except in the most general ways.
Then, to know the child she'd brought into this world was a part of someone who'd been so cruel to her? I couldn't imagine that either.
So all I could do was support my friend however she needed me to.
When the day came, I headed to Drozel and Omden's place to make sure she'd be able to walk that far. I knew there were carts in town for those who couldn't, but I'd never used them. I'd only seen them at a distance, but if that was what Meri needed, then I'd make sure she had one.
Instead, she answered the door in a soft peach dress, looking amazing! Her stomach had flattened a lot, even if it wasn't the same as it had been as a girl. Her cheeks were fuller though, and that made me happier than I wanted to admit.
"Meri!" I said. "You look great!"
She smoothed down the dress. "Lessa made this for me. She said I have to wait a bit longer for the rest, since my body's still changing, but look!" And she twirled in a circle, showing how the calf-length skirts flared out.
"It's gorgeous," I told her. "So, does this mean you're up for walking the whole way?"
"I am." But she murmured and made a face.
"I think I am. No one has let me walk that far since the baby arrived, but I feel okay.
" And she stepped onto the porch, closing the door behind her.
"Drozel and Omden are working again, but they said it was okay for me to treat the house like my own. I just don't know what that means."
"It means what it sounds like," I explained. "You can come and go without needing their permission. I think they say that because they're worried we'd wait outside for them to get back, thinking we couldn't just walk in without asking."
"I can see that." But she stopped, looking at my throat. "Is that gold?"
I touched the torc, letting my fingers trace the symbols for the guys. "Yeah. I wanted to tell you about it."
"Okay, but while we walk?" she asked. "I don't mean to be rude, but if Naomi says I'm okay, then I can start sewing again, and I really don't want to be late and miss my chance."
I wasn't going to tell her Naomi would still see her, so I gestured for us to head toward the clinic. From here, it was mostly a straight path, taking us just behind the market. I'd been around town enough on my own now to not get lost, but only if I used the "main" streets.
"So," I said, "it seems Dragons have a lot more customs than Moles.
Down in the compound, we had to get married.
There wasn't any option. Up here, a woman can stay 'single' her whole life if she wants.
She can get married too, but it sounds like most people don't. Instead, they have something they call a family. "
"Like Drozel and Omden," she said, proving she knew a bit of this.
"Yeah," I agreed, "but it isn't to have children, Meri. It's for an emotional bond."
"Lessa told me about that," she said. "And that's why it's okay for her to fuck Drozel, and for Drozel to fuck Omden."
I gaped at her, surprised at how easily she used the profanity. "Uh, yeah. I mean, a family is a group of any number who wants to share their lives. Kids, no kids, or anything else. But yeah, I didn't think about that."
"Like how Brielle and Jeera are with Irrik?" But she made a face. "Although he doesn't live with them."
"No, but I think you've wrapped your mind around this family thing faster than I did." And again I touched the torc. "And this? It's a symbol of commitment. The guys gave it to me to ask if I'd try to be in a family with them."
"All of them?"
I nodded. "And I agreed. Meri, please don't think I'm a harlot, because it's not like that, but I do like them. And I've kissed all three of them now, and it's so different with each one!"
Her eyebrows shot up. "Really? But how different can kissing be?"
"Very," I assured her. "Zasen is very determined and strong, but in a holding me up, not a shoving me down way.
Rymar? He's..." I smiled, thinking about it.
"He makes me breathless. He kisses me in a way that should be shameful, but isn't up here.
And Kanik's so soft and gentle. He treats me like I'm something valuable, and it.
.." I fluttered my hands before me to show how flustered I was even thinking about it.
"But how does it work with three..." She grunted. "Partners? That's what Omden calls Drozel, and these men are nothing like husbands."
"I know," I agreed. "But yes, they are my partners, and they mean it! They treat me like an equal, so I thought I should try it, since they all say that if I change my mind, I just have to give the torc back."
"Torc?"
"Necklace," I clarified. "That's the name of this style of necklace, I guess?"
"It's gorgeous," she said. "Oh! And all the circles have symbols on them." She reached up to touch my phoenix. "This one's you."
"Zasen," I said, touching each as I named them, "Kanik, and Rymar. It's comfortable, too. I've started forgetting I'm wearing it. I mean, until someone looks at it. Then I remember and start smiling stupidly again."
"But you deserve that," she said. "Ayla, you're so happy here, so it makes sense those men would be perfect for you."
"What about you?" I asked. "Omden said you asked for the baby to be there today?"
Her smile faded, but the look that replaced it was more thoughtful than worried. "The guys think I should see him. Ayla, I've been so worried Cerlik will look like Gideon that I've been avoiding him, but I won't know until I see him."
"You won't," I agreed. "But what if he does, Meri?"
"Then maybe you can make sure I don't do anything stupid? I don't want to hold him. I'm scared I'll drop him if he does. I mean, if he doesn't, maybe, but I don't have to, yet everyone thinks I'll want to, and - "
"It's okay," I broke in. "Today, all you have to worry about is if Naomi says you're okay. After that, you can decide about the baby. And if you change your mind, you know what? It's allowed here, and I will remind them of that!"
She caught my hand. "That's why I wanted you with me, Ayla. So much has happened lately, and I feel like I've been such a bad friend to you, and now you have this necklace, and here I am trying to make it all about me."
"But today is all about you," I promised. "Meri, you had a baby and survived! Of course this is a big thing, and it should be. My necklace?" I chuckled. "They call it a token. I think because it's a token of affection, but only the ones with the partner's symbols on them are tokens."
"Token of affection," she said, nodding. "I like that."
"And we're supposed to have a cookout, but Zasen wants to tell his family. I mean, they'll see it today, but all of the guys want to make a thing about it. I was going to invite you as my family - well, and Saveah - but Jeera and Brielle will be there."
"Oh."
"And Saveah's kids," I added. "So I thought you might not want to."
For a bit, she continued walking, watching her toes. I could tell she was thinking about it. "Can I answer after I see the baby?"
"You can," I promised. "And if it's too much, I understand. In truth, I expected you to say no right away, so do not feel like you have to. I mean, Lessa probably would love to spend the day with you, right?"
And a silly little smile began to appear on her face. "Yeah. We could sew again."
"You and Lessa?" I asked.
She shrugged. "She has a machine that makes it easy, and we talk while we work. It's nice, Ayla."
I laughed once before I could stop myself. "So you like Lessa, huh? I'm a little surprised."
Her head whipped around, the smile vanished, and her eyes went wide. "What?"
"What?" I asked a split-second later.
"I don't know if I like her!" she insisted. "And I didn't mean to if I did."
Which made me pull her to a halt. "What are you talking about, Meri? I thought she was your friend!"
"But..." Her eyes flicked to my necklace, then back to me. "I..."
She stuttered. I was confused, so I replayed what I'd said to set her off, and suddenly the problem was too obvious to ignore.
"Meri, you like Lessa?"
"I..." She still couldn't finish a sentence.
So I caught her other hand, holding both before me.
"It's okay if you do. I'd just never thought about it, but up here, they all do it.
Jeera and Brielle. Omden and Drozel. I'm sure there are dozens more, but I don't know who.
Rymar had a boyfriend for a little bit, but it didn't work out, and you know what?
That's all okay. We weren't allowed to, but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it, Meri. We weren't allowed to be happy either!"
"No, we weren't," she realized.
"So if Lessa makes you happy, or Drozel, or Omden, or anyone else in all of Lorsa, then I'm happy for you too." Then I rocked my head from side to side. "And if they're mean to you, I'll shoot them with a venom arrow."
"Oh, Ayla," she breathed, surging in to wrap her arms around my shoulders and hug me so tightly. "Thank you! Thank you for always making me feel like I'm right, and helping me remember what it was like to be brave."
"You," I told her, "are the bravest person I know.
Maybe everyone else thinks getting married and having a baby is normal, but it wasn't for us.
You know that. I know that. So just because our things are different doesn't mean it makes us stupid to be confused, or weak to be happy we survived.
" I leaned her back so I could see her face.
"Or wrong to find someone - anyone - who can make us happy. "
"Lessa makes me confused," she admitted.
Wrapping my arm around her shoulders, I got her walking again. "How?"
"She does the same things you do, Ayla. Hugging me, or clasping my hand. Those sorts of things, but it doesn't feel the same."
"Does it make you feel like you want to smile, and also like you're safe with her?
Maybe it feels like her smile is better than anyone else's, or the way she looks is hard to ignore?
Do you find yourself angry because someone says something bad about her, and you know it's not wrong, but you also know it's not right?
Like that her color is boring, or she isn't serious enough, or she's too serious? "
I was thinking about the things people had said about Zasen, Rymar, and Kanik and how I'd felt about those things.
The confusion didn't make sense to anyone else, but they hadn't been terrified of a relationship the way Meri and I had been.
They hadn't been raised to think of affection as something a man was due when he claimed us as a possession.
They couldn't understand how impossible it was to feel any of this when we were barely even allowed to speak to the men we were supposed to spend our lives with!
So I did my best to offer examples of what I'd been through up here. The confusion, the bond we'd formed, and how it had been so foreign to me that the only word I had for it was the one I used for the only two people who'd ever been kind to me: Meri and Callah.
"She makes me feel like I did when Gideon smiled at me," Meri finally admitted.
"Then I think you like her," I said. "Meri, you did like Gideon. He lied, but you liked what he showed you, and that's not your fault. So, maybe you like Lessa too. And maybe, when you're ready, you can see if she likes you back."
"How?"
I leaned in, hugging her from the side. "You have to ask, Meri.
The same way you'd ask me or Callah. That's how people do things up here.
There aren't rules they have to live by.
There aren't expectations for them. Instead, they try things.
They ask people what they want to know, but there's one problem with the way Dragons do it. "
"What's that?"
I pulled in a breath, hoping she'd understand this. "You have to ask, but you might not like the answer. That doesn't make how you feel wrong. It just means they don't have to feel the same back. That, Meri, is what makes being up here so amazing."