Chapter 22
Twenty-Two
Meri
Ayla took me to the same place as where I'd had my first checkup. This time, she signed me in, since Jeera wasn't here to do it for us. When the man behind the counter called me back, Ayla asked if I wanted her to wait, but I caught her hand, pulling her with me.
Then I had to change into that smock again. Like the first time, Naomi looked between my legs and checked my body, but she also checked the incision on my tummy. After that, she pushed and prodded my belly, and the whole time she explained everything she was doing.
But when she was done, she slid her chair back and let out a pleased sigh. "Meri, you're healing perfectly. I think you've put on some weight too. You're likely still anemic, so I'm only going to clear you for moderate activity, okay?"
"Can I still have children?" I asked, not quite sure which answer would be the one I wanted.
"It looks like you'll be able to have them again without any problems," she assured me.
And yet my guts twisted with worry. I wasn't ready to do that again. I wanted to find myself, and Ayla had just made it clear I could do that easily here. I wouldn't lose her, even if she didn't like it herself. I could have hopes and dreams, so I wasn't ready for a child.
Another child.
But Ayla asked, "What about birth control?"
Naomi nodded, but her answer was directed at me.
"It lasts for six months. You will get a reminder when you need another dose, and the injection is the best option for you at this time.
If you were debating having a child, I'd suggest something else, but this way you won't have to think about it.
Do you want that injection today, Meri?"
"Yes!" I hurried to say.
She simply stood and began rummaging in her cabinets. "Now, you are not allowed to have any sexual activity for two more weeks, but I don't think that will be a problem. We just want to make sure your uterus and cervix can recover fully."
"But I thought the baby came out of my belly," I said, looking at Ayla in hopes she'd understand what I was missing.
"Your body still tried," Naomi told her.
"That means there were changes, and it took plenty of time for those to happen, so now we get to wait six weeks for your body to undo it all.
Lifting something too heavy, or pushing yourself too hard, and definitely having anything inside your vagina will all make that harder. "
"Okay," I agreed.
So she gave me a shot, then told me to get dressed. Ayla, on the other hand, was told to let her know when I was ready, because Jeera, Brielle, and Cerlik were here - if I still wanted to see them.
And the way she said that, as if it was okay for me to be scared of this?
That was the last thing I needed to be sure.
I did want to see the baby. Not my baby, because he'd never been mine.
Gideon had forced him inside me. I'd been made to care for him, and I was doing that by giving him to adoption, or however Dragons said it.
I was making sure he'd have the life he deserved, not the one he'd been forced into.
So, when I was finally ready, I told Ayla to get them. It didn't take long either. She'd barely stepped into the hall before someone knocked and the door opened again. There, Jeera was waiting with a bright smile on her face.
"Meri!" she said, slipping into the room. "I'm so glad you're doing good." And she came over to hug me gently. "So, do you really want to see him?"
"I have to know if he has Gideon's eyes," I explained.
"Brielle?" Jeera called.
And my other friend came in carrying a bundle of cloth. A small one, but when a little pink arm thrust upwards, I realized that was the child. A tiny little baby.
"Do you want to hold him?" Brielle asked, nearly beaming with either pride or excitement, I couldn't be sure.
But I shook my head, pulling my arms close so she couldn't force him on me.
Ayle shifted between us. "She just wants to see him, Brielle, not hold him."
"Do you want to hold him for her?" Jeera asked.
"Okay," Ayla said, accepting the baby.
As she took the few steps from Brielle to my side, she pushed the cloth away from where his head must be, then knelt down beside me. I had to lean forward to see him, and Ayla turned her arms a bit, making it even easier.
My eyes landed on a perfectly normal-looking little boy. His skin was so bright pink I couldn't believe it. Not pale like mine had been, but flushed and healthy! On the top of his head was hair, but it was so pale I could barely see it. I certainly couldn't make out which shade of blonde it was.
And his eyes? They were his. Not his father's, and not mine. Those eyes belonged to a little boy named Cerlik, and while they focused on nothing, they were the most beautiful eyes I'd ever seen.
"Hey, Cerlik," I said, reaching down to touch his tiny little hand.
His fingers clamped down on my index finger and he cooed.
"I think he recognizes your voice," Brielle said, shifting closer. "And he's beautiful, Meri. You did so good with him."
"Yeah?" I asked.
"Are you sure you don't want to hold him?" Jeera asked again, but it didn't sound like she was pushing. She was simply giving me the chance to change my mind.
I still shook my head. "No. He's not my baby." And I gestured for Ayla to relax. "I just wanted to know if he looked like Gideon. I was so scared..."
"It's okay," Brielle told me. "Meri, we understand. Seeing your abuser in the face of a child? I can't even imagine how hard that would be."
"But it's not his fault," I told them. "I just..." Twisting, I caught her hand the way I always did with Ayla's. "Cerlik did nothing wrong - and I love his name. It's so perfect! It's a Dragon name, and a good one, but that proves it, don't you see?"
"Not yet," Jeera teased as she took the baby from Ayla.
"Keep going," Ayla encouraged me.
"He's not my baby," I said again, but stronger this time.
"Gideon made me have him, and I didn't have a choice, but you two did!
And his father's a Mole. I was too, but I didn't want to be, but when I got here, the two of you were so good to me.
You were so patient and helpful. I know how you'd be as parents, because you were that way with me. "
"We were just trying to help you," Brielle said gently.
I nodded, knowing that. "And you did, but him?
He's a little boy. I'm a woman. My whole life, I was told I have to do things, and it's still there.
I'm trying to change, but I'm still doing it.
You two? You know what it's like to be a Dragon.
You will make him one in a way I can't. Don't you see?
I didn't pick you because you're nice - which you are.
I didn't do it because I know you. I want you both to raise him because I know you'll do it right in a way I can't. That's why I won't change my mind.
I would raise a Mole, not knowing how to do it any other way, and you?
" I smiled at the easy way Jeera held him against her shoulder, patting his back like it was natural.
"You'll make sure he knows this isn't his fault.
That he's a good boy. That he didn't ask for this either. "
"I promise we'll make him into a good man," Jeera said. "But Meri? We want you to be in his life. I don't want you to think you have to avoid him - "
"Or us," Brielle said.
Jeera smiled at her. "Or us. We know you're not ready yet, and that's fine. If you want to visit and don't think you're ready to see him? Mom can watch him for a bit. Trust me, she'd love it."
"But he's your baby," I said, looking between them.
"And all mothers deserve a break," Brielle told me. "And Naomi loves children. She'd think it was a great treat."
"Meri, we know it can't be easy to see him.
You were abused. Gideon hurt more than just your body.
He broke your trust, probably wounded your idea of love, and so much more.
Emotional and mental trauma are real things.
It's okay to have them, and we will never resent you for healing the way you need to. "
"Yeah?" I asked, trying to wrap my mind around everything she was saying.
Because that concept? It was huge. Thinking of the confusion in my head as a wound? That made it easier to understand. That was why I felt scared of living with Lessa and excited at the same time. It was why I got confused about Drozel's muscles or Lessa holding my hand.
Because pressing on a bruise hurt. Ignoring it made the pain go away, but that wasn't the same as healed. Most of all, it meant fixing it could be painful, but it would be better in the end, just like at the hospital.
"But if you ever want to be in his life," Brielle said, "even if that's in a day, a week, a month, a year, or a decade from now, you just have to let us know. Our plan is to tell him all about his brave mother and how she escaped from the compound. We want him to know you did so much for him."
"And," Jeera said, "we're going to make sure he knows women are his equal. If he wants to sew like you, or fight like me, or be a nurse like Brielle..."
"He'll be a doctor," Ayla said. "Meri should've been, and Brielle's in medicine."
So Jeera crooned to the baby in her arms, "So I will start saving all the money for medical school. You'll be a doctor if you want, little man, huh?"
I couldn't help but smile at them. The way she looked at that little boy? That was love. That was what I'd always dreamed of but had never experienced in my life. That one look was why he needed them, not me - and seeing it made me happier than I'd ever been before.
I'd made this work. I'd picked the right people to take care of him. It was okay for me to be confused about how I felt about this but still sure it was the right thing to do.
The best part, though, was that no one had tried to make me feel bad for it. I wasn't a failure because I wasn't ready to be a mother. They didn't sneer at me or judge me for it. They made me feel like my decision was being respected.
Like I'd done something right.
And maybe that was a little thing to most people, but to me? It was everything. It felt like the first stitch in a laceration that had been gaping open for far too long. I couldn't even say Gideon had made it, because I'd had it longer than that.
My father had always told me I was wrong. I was stupid. I was "just" a girl, so what did I know? My mother had resented me being underfoot and in her way. I made too much work for her, she'd said. Mr. Cassidy had picked at every mistake we girls made, so Gideon hadn't needed to do much.
A smile. That had been all it had taken to make me hope, and then he'd crushed it, but he was evil. The Moles were evil. And while Ayla didn't realize it, she'd said something that was finally starting to make sense to me.
I was free. Cerlik was free now too, and he'd never need to know anything else. Ayla had shown us all how to be free, and while I didn't know what to do with that yet, one thing was certain: I wasn't going to waste it.
Because this was what happiness felt like, and I wanted more.