Chapter 12
CHAPTER 12
Renee
I was driving myself crazy. There was a recurring whispering in my head stating Ezra and Tammy were living together. If that was the case, why had he lied to me about their relationship? He was away for the weekend handling business. I couldn’t help but to wonder if he was with her and if that was the “business” he was tending to.
While on the phone with him, I pretended that all was well because I’d wanted to have the conversation in person. He’d asked if something was wrong, and I told him the truth; I didn’t want him worried while he was away. We’d discuss it once he returned. Plus, I needed time to figure out how I felt about the situation, if it were true.
No matter how much I tried to fight the connection between the two of us, it was strong. I had nothing else to compare it to. It explained why I’d called my best friend for advice. Sampson was in the middle of his workday and promised to call me afterward. Until then, I had to occupy my mind so that I wouldn’t assume the worst.
I also decided on how I wanted to deliver my final project. Since I’d started back dancing, I’d been doing it every afternoon. It made me think about my job I’d had while in college. I’d been a burlesque dancer and loved it. I missed it often enough because I figured that I’d outgrown the idea. But dancing again had me debating about trying out for a few places. I’d have to figure out what to do about waitressing since it helped me pay for my stay here and provided me with other resources as well.
Walking around the grounds, I bumped into Elara from class, and we had lunch together. She was struggling with some of the things she’d talked to her assigned Domme about.
“You won’t judge?” she asked.
“Not at all. I’m the last person who can do that. Plus, we’re in a safe place. Talk to me.” I didn’t have a friend here, and it was past due that I did. Opening up and allowing people into my circle was another thing I was working on in therapy.
“I’ve always been into having multiple partners, but I’ve never liked the idea of sharing them with more people. She suggested that I create a multiple partner relationship where I have two or three men who are comfortable sharing me, but none of us are active outside of the relationship.”
“What do you think about that?”
“Honestly, it sounds heavenly.”
“Would they be allowed to be with one another?”
“I wouldn’t see a problem with that as long as I’m their primary partner. She has a few groups she wants me to try that meet here and they discuss polyamorous solutions. I want to go but I’m scared to walk in there by myself. What if what I want is so taboo that nobody goes for it.”
“Or… what if you find your perfect harem and live happily ever after?”
“I wish.”
“It’s possible. I refused to count any options out when I know there are people who are into getting pooped on, that there are women out there having sex with horses to make porn videos, and that people pay millions of dollars to people just to stare at their feet. That means anything is possible. Don’t count out your blessings when you’re still alive and able to make a difference. It means there’s still an opportunity to make things happen in your favor. It’s not too late.”
“What about you? Are you seeing anybody?”
“Yes, I am. We’re supposed to be taking it slow, but honestly, it’s naturally moving faster than either of us ever expected. Before this weekend, I thought he was too good to be true. Then I found out some things and I’m questioning everything.”
“No, you don’t get to do that if I don’t. If there are possibilities waiting for me, there has to be enough for you, too. Give him a chance to explain whatever is happening and to make it right.”
“But…”
“Nope. Let him tell you his side of things. Then you can make a decision based on facts and not the destructive ones you’ve come up with. Hear him out. Then tear him to shreds with good information, not hearsay.”
“Are you sure you want multiple men? I’m having issues with the one I have. I couldn’t imagine two or three more of him.”
“You wouldn’t be getting two or three more of him. They would all be different, loving you in different ways. There’s no way every day would be the same.”
“No, I get that. How would you live, though? A compound with three different houses and you’d have three different wardrobes? ‘Hey, Paul, did I leave my blue panties there? I tried Peter already, and he said they weren’t there either. I’m at Joe’s and they’re not here. Well, I’m out of concealer over here, so can you bring me the one I have there?’ It’s insane!” I joked.
Elara was too busy laughing and holding her stomach to respond. Tears poured down her face as she tried to rein it in.
“I can’t breathe!” she yelled out. A few people openly stared at us, trying to figure out what was so damn funny.
“Baby, have you seen my shirt?” I stood up and pretended to be searching for something. “I can’t find it anywhere.” Then I switched voices to imitate her. “Which boyfriend are you again? Maybe it’s at Paul’s house. I’m always leaving my shirt there.”
“Noo!” Elara’s face grew red, and she laughed one of those silent laughs where you try to breathe, and no sound comes out because it’s all stuck inside your funny bone.
“Peter, I think you should talk to Paul about how to eat my pussy. He does a much better job than you. Then you can teach him that little finger trick you do. Maybe you should invite Joe and you can all swap secrets. Slumber party!”
Tears rushed from her eyes in steady streams. I know she wanted to say something, but she couldn’t get it out. Deciding to give her a break from all the funny business, I sat back down to eat my grilled cheese.
“That’s not what I was thinking at all!” She wiped her face and finally caught her bearings. “I guess that’s what dating is about, huh?”
Nods. “It is. You may not find them at the same time. But what do I know? Maybe they’ll be gift wrapped and at your door in the morning.”
“Hopefully. Girl, why have we never hung out before?” she asked before taking a bite of her half-eaten salad.
“I think I was afraid to make new friends because of a bad friendship I had with an old one. I’m starting to heal those wounds and I figured out I’m really lonely. My best friend, Sampson, lives in Cincinnati with his husband and I can’t see him when I want to. Sure we video call and send pictures. I don’t know when the last time I was able to kiss his face and do something that we both enjoy.”
“Well, you’ve definitely got a friend in me. I’m a tough cookie and I never make friends with people I don’t plan to hang on to. And this Sampson sounds like a keeper. Maybe you should change that you haven’t seen him in forever. Invite him to the Ranch. I’m sure he’s got some kink in him.”
“Trust. Sampson puts the K… I… N… and the second K in kink. That boy could probably teach a class or two.” That’s when it hit me. I picked up my phone and FaceTime’d him.
“Diva, you know I’m working.”
“I know, I know, I know. How would you feel about coming here and helping me put on a burlesque show?”
“Excuse me?”
“I can handle the costumes and I know you’ve done this kind of thing before.”
“How much time are we talking?”
“We have about nine or ten weeks left in the program.”
“How good are the dancers?”
“I don’t know. I just came up with this idea three seconds ago.” I shrugged.
“Listen. I need to check my schedule. We’re in the middle of a project and stepping away would be hurtful to the team.”
“O-kay.” I tried not to look disappointed, but it was tough when I’d already started planning things in my head.
“I didn’t say no. Pick up your lip from the floor. I need to figure it out. I’ll call you after this class. Later, Diva.” He disconnected the call, and I tried to find the optimism in our conversation.
“Were you trying to get the entire class to participate?” Elara looked like she’d seen a ghost.
“I am. It’s not that tough. Haven’t you ever seen the movie Burlesque ? We can use pre-recorded audio. Hell, I know every girl in our class owns a black corset. And we can make the choreography easy enough for everybody. We have weeks to pull it together. I’ve had to change up cheers to be performed in hours. I can teach anybody anything. I just need the moves.” I’d never been good with creating the movement part of cheering. I could always figure out what to chant though.
My phone lit up as I received a text from Sampson.
Sampson: I’ll be able to choreograph, record, and send it to you. Then I can come up during the performance weekend and critique. We can probably make some live calls as well during your practice time. My lunch breaks are better since I stay late most days. I recommend practicing three days a week since they aren’t professionals. Some of them are going to be out of shape, offbeat, and under-motivated. Either weed them out or give them something else to do. Don’t waste your time.
I’ll send you what I come up with in a few days. Burlesque is about teasing and exaggerated movement. Bringing out your feminine energy and letting it shine. Give them stuff to do that helps with that on the side. As my assistant, you’ll need to take all the risk. Make people come to extra sessions if they need it. You can’t suddenly clam up on me. You’ve gotta be my eyes and ears and be willing to do what I say.
I know I’m a bottom, but, honey, I stand on business when it comes to choreography.
I’ll call you tonight to discuss details.
Love you, bye
“He’s going to do it!” I squealed.
“Oh my God, really? So how will this work?”
“I need to find a space, talk to the girls, and see if Master EJ will allow it as our final presentation.”
“That should be easy enough when you two are dating. Can’t you just suck him off really well and convince him?”
Insert my shocked face.
“What?” she asked.
“How did you know it was him?” I asked.
“Have you not seen the way he looks at you? Girl, if he’s been living in the desert, you’re surely the only water he wants. And he’s thirsty as fuck. Tell me you’ve never caught him looking at your ass. Besides, we all know when he’s visiting your apartment. All that heat comes through the vent. And the way you scream out Daddy. Girl, we’re all his children.”
It was my turn to laugh. Full belly chuckles with a side of squeals.
“I don’t call him Daddy.” I confessed.
“I made that part up. What do you call him?”
“Ezra.”
“So, you don’t have a special name for him yet?”
I shook my head no. In all my past relationships, I was always told what to call my Dominants. I wasn’t into ageplay, so Daddy felt misplaced. Tiger, Beast, Lion and Bear felt overused. Fruits and vegetables seemed too soft. EJ was his professional name.
“What’s he remind you of?”
Safety. That wouldn’t work, though.
“I don’t know.”
“That could be your problem. You don’t know his place.”
The more I thought about it, the less adequate I felt as his submissive. We hadn’t declared any of that official, but if I was his, I expected that to be on all levels. Or maybe I was overthinking it.
“I do. I need to figure out how to apply it to a name for him.” I guess me and the dictionary needed to get better acquainted.
“Hello, ladies.”
I heard the voice behind me, and immediately I wanted to jump into his arms. It had only been two and a half days, but it felt like an eternity.
“Hello, Master EJ. I guess I should leave the two of you alone.” Elara started gathering her things to leave.
“No, I got back earlier than expected. I wasn’t trying to disturb your time together.”
“It’s fine and I know you and Renee probably miss one another. We’ll catch up later.” She looked at me and nodded to my phone.
I picked it up, and she rattled off her number.
“Text me later so we can figure out the details. Don’t forget… ‘Daddy’.”
It was a bad time to take a sip of my soda because I choked on it. She snickered and picked up her lunch bag and purse before she waved her goodbyes.
“Some friend you are! You were going to let me die.”
“Remember how I couldn’t breathe when you kept making me laugh? Girl, this relationship between us is a two-way street. Later!”
“Well, she seems fun.” Ezra sat beside me on the bench, facing away from the table. “Damn I missed you.” He sighed.
“I missed you, too,” I admitted.
Ezra stroked the side of my face with the back of his hand, and I couldn’t help but melt into his touch. I closed my eyes and pushed the nagging whisper to the back of my mind. I needed this moment to reconnect with him. To experience what he was giving to me in its rawest form.
“Any reason why I shouldn’t kiss you?” he asked.
“Not at all,” I whispered, needing one as badly as he seemed to want to give it.
If I was honest about my feelings for Ezra, I was crazy about him but was also terrified he’d break my heart in new ways and in a way I couldn’t fix. Unrepairable. The way I was drawn to him made me hesitant to relax into it. He could very well be the thing that broke me.
“My babygirl…” His finger was under my chin, and he pulled me toward him slowly. “I want to spend the rest of the day covered in your scent, branding you with my mouth, and eating grilled cheese sandwiches.”
I giggled. “We’re not eating that.” I held up the one I had on the table.
“Whatever you want, baby.” His lips touched mine and everything inside that wanted him unlocked at once.
“I want you,” I admitted.
“Say less.” He sealed the little space between us and put his hand behind my head, controlling my movement. Lips pulled, tongues caressed. My mind disconnected from my surroundings and focused on Ezra Hamilton and being his.
I turned off the section that censored what I did, and it magnified what I wanted. I straddled his lap, and our kiss became sloppy with passion. I wrapped my arms around his neck and rested directly on his stiffening erection.
“Right here and right now?” he asked. “Because I will.”
“Ooh.” I exhaled. “We’re supposed to be talking. But all I can think about is how good you’ll feel.”
“Talk about what?” he asked, nibbling on my neck.
“There are… um, some rumors circulating about that you’re still living with Tammy.” It wasn’t really a lie, more of a creative way of describing what kept playing in my head.
He pulled away and looked up at me. “Wait, what?”
“Yeah, are you?”
Ezra sighed. “Kind of.”
I heard the vinyl record on the turntable as the needle ripped across it. “Excuse me?”
“The condo that we were living in is mine. She’s living there until her place is available. I haven’t been there since we broke up, but she has. I’ve been staying with my best friend until she’s gone.”
“That’s been what, six months? You mean to tell me that she hasn’t figured it out in six months? No wonder she thinks she has a chance. You haven’t forced her to figure her shit out. If this is what you mean by power exchange, getting me to the point where I can’t survive with you? I don’t want it. Because clearly, she isn’t coping with the loss of you.”
“No, Renee, listen…”
“I almost think that I’ve heard too much. Are you sure you’re done with her?”
“Very much so.”
“How do you know?”
“I told you that I was going to stop at the condo so I could grab a few things?”
“Okay?”
“She was there, and we talked. I explained to her, without getting upset, how she hurt me and that it prevents me from ever wanting another relationship with her. I listened to what she had to say, and we finally got to a place where she understood that this breakup is for good. I’ve already explained to you that I want you. Not her. Now she understands that as well.”
“Is there a reason why you didn’t tell me before that she’s still living there?”
“No. There’s no reason why I didn’t mention it. Honestly, it never crossed my mind. I didn’t know she would be there. I figured I run in and get out. I also think that subconsciously, I don’t affiliate it as home anymore. I haven’t been there in so long that I would never say we reside together. I guess that’s why Kelly asked about me looking for a place.”
I tried to understand where he was coming from, but couldn’t. I also wouldn’t let Tammy stay at my house for six months, either.
“It’s hard to sympathize with you about it because I don’t understand. It feels dishonest, like you hid it from me. I hate being blindsided, and that’s exactly what this feels like.” I stood up to get some much needed space from him. “Look, it was really nice to see that you’re back and safe but, I need space and time to think.”
“Renee, I promise there isn’t anything going on between me and her.” He stood to try to come closer, and I stepped away.
“She’s not the issue. This feels like manipulation and makes me feel dirty and used. You told me to always be honest with you, but when it came to you doing the same, you didn’t.”
Ezra dropped his head and let it hang in defeat. There was nothing he could say, and he knew it.
“I’ll see you around.” This time, he didn’t try to come toward me and fix anything. He let me get my things and walk away.
I held back my tears until I was safely inside my apartment. As soon as the door closed, I ran into my bedroom with tears rolling down my face. The journey of love wasn’t supposed to end this soon. It felt like we were just beginning and this thing with Tammy was throwing a wrench into the plan.
It felt like the situation with them was a backup plan. One where he kept Tammy in limbo, just in case. He was avoiding the next stage in their breakup because he wasn’t ready to let her go, either. She was safe and as long as she was there, she was an option. I didn’t want to be the thing that stood in their way. A bystander who was hit by a stray bullet to the heart. And right now, the hole was huge and leaking profusely.
This hurt so badly it was hard to breathe. I’d known I was falling fast and hard for him, but I hadn’t known it would feel like this.
Broken.
Used and abused.