Chapter Twenty-Eight
KAYDEN
I didn't sleep.
I fucked up big time. I thought pushing her away was the best thing for her, but seeing her face, the strong girl who’d been broken too many times, as she looked at me like I crushed her, I knew I’d ruined the best thing that had ever happened to me.
If Jake were alive, he’d kill me for breaking her and he’d kill me for going the extra step.
Disgusting. I can’t believe I said that. What the hell was I thinking?
My mind raced; my thoughts wouldn’t shut up. I know what I was thinking when I said that. I did it so she would hate me, so that the chemistry between us would die, and when we finally broke up our parents, I could do what I’d been doing. Focusing on the draft, nothing else.
It was my dream to make it to the NHL. Lexi stood in the way of that dream. I can’t have both. The plans I have don’t include her.
If I prepared her now, then the pain wouldn’t be so bad. If we had gotten more involved, I’d cripple her. No, this is for the best.
Is it though? If it’s for the best, why am I struggling so much with the decision? Why am I not moving onto a puck bunny? Or going back to Ivy for fucks’ sake.
By six, I gave up pretending to sleep, and decided I needed to confront the one person who screwed me up more than anyone.
I quickly got dressed, grabbed my keys and left.
Without traffic, it took thirty minutes to get there.
I pulled into the narrow driveway, and once I found the spot, I veered off to the side, parking my vehicle so it wouldn’t get in the way of anyone else’s.
The sun was slowly rising above the clouds, making all of the tombstones shine. The morning dew made the grass wet, so as I walked across the graveyard, my shoes crunched against the blades, little flecks coming onto my Hey Dudes.
I dropped to one knee in front of the stone, with no flowers, or gift this time.
“Hey man,” the words came out fragile, small.
Broken. His picture sat profoundly above the words; loving son, brother and friend.
I let out a shaky breath, not knowing what to say.
I could normally talk his ear off, but today...
today I didn’t know how to react to anything.
The picture his parents chose was from when we’d just won a game.
No one could wipe the grin off his face.
He was the happiest I’d ever seen him because we crushed our rival.
I rubbed the back of my neck. “I really need you. Life is fucked off without you here. Our parents...” I paused, not sure where to begin.
“Fuck, our parents are dating. I don’t know how that shit storm started, but it did.
Now they are wanting to sell your house and it’s got your sister all kinds of fucked up. ”
Fuck, even mentioning her hurts.
I took a seat in the grass, not caring if the dew soaked into my jeans. “Speaking of your sister, I fucked up...bad.” I forced out a laugh, “If you were here you’d probably kill me.”
I wrapped my arms around my legs, pulling them into my chest. “I went too far with her, even after you threatened me.”
I shook my head. “God, why did you do that? All this time I’ve been trying to hate her, but...
I can’t. We fucked up. We should’ve never done the shit we did, because it’s got her all kinds of...
” I swallowed, not sure how to say this.
“She’s been hurting herself. I’m not sure if you knew about it, or if she kept it from you too.
” My jaw ticked, “Knowing that she’s taken a piece of herself away each time she did it, that she didn’t think she could bother anyone about it... ”
I couldn’t finish the statement. Once I saw the scars, once I knew she’d hurt herself, I knew it was because she’d felt alone. She felt like she wasn’t being heard.
I stretched out my legs, letting my head fall into my hands. “We didn’t protect her like we were supposed to. Instead we messed with her, all to keep her at a fucking distance.”
The breeze blew through the trees, and it flew across my face, almost like he was trying to push back at me.
"I'm so fucking tired." My voice cracked, and I let it, because there was nobody out here to see.
"I'm tired of carrying a promise I made when I was seventeen like it's the last piece of you I've got left.
I'm tired of hurting because I'm scared of what happens if I actually let myself have this.
I don't even know anymore if I'm protecting your memory or protecting myself, using you as the excuse. "
I sat there a long time after that, long enough that the groundskeeper's truck rumbled past. I left with no answers, but the same ache I'd been carrying around for years.
I was late to practice, and I didn’t care.
"You look like death," Kellan said, the second I walked into the locker room. He laced up in the stall next to mine with an eagerness I couldn’t reciprocate. "Rough night?"
Yeah, I fucked up and probably lost the only thing that fucking matters. "Something like that."
"You want to talk about it, or you want me to guess based on vibes alone?" He glanced over, and whatever he saw on my face made his grin fall. "Okay. Vibes it is. Bad vibes. Got it."
I didn't answer. I kept my head down, working through the motions of getting dressed on autopilot. My mind was a clusterfuck, and I didn’t particularly want to be here.
Come on, Kayden. Get your head in the game. You need to get your shit together. You can’t lose hockey too.
I could feel Dylan’s eyes on me, but I didn’t look up.
I knew they were worried; their Captain, the guy who was supposed to have the answers to everything, really didn’t.
They looked up to me, but I was lost. Jake’s death had completely wrecked me, and then the thing with Lexi and our parents, didn’t make things better.
I needed to get out of this fucking state. I needed a fresh start.
Practice went about as badly as I expected. Coach ran us through line rushes first, nothing complicated, muscle memory stuff we'd done a thousand times. Yet, I still managed to blow the timing on a give-and-go so badly that Torin nearly ate my stick to the face.
"Daniel!" Coach's whistle cut through the rink. "Head in the game or off the ice! Your choice."
"Sorry, Coach."
"Fix it!"
I tried.
It didn't take.
Ten minutes later, I missed an assignment on a defensive drill and Kellan had to cover for me, shooting me a look over his shoulder that was more like what the fuck are you doing?
I shook my head, needing a swift kick in the nuts to wake up. By the time we hit scrimmage, Coach pulled me aside during a line change and told me to take a seat on the bench for the rest of the session.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Coach never benched me. I’m losing my shit. Already. Over a fucking girl. Goddammit.
Of course, Garcia and his annoying ass had to take the opportunity to rub it in my fucking face. My jaw clenched anytime he skated near the bench, spewing off words of...
Wow, already benched?
Damn, what’s got your panties in a twist?
Does the star player need a pacifier?
Ignore him, fucking ignore him.
Mid scrimmage, Dylan sat next to me, not saying a word. He rested his forearms on his knees, and I knew the lecture was coming, even if I didn’t want to hear it. "You gonna tell me what's going on," he said, "or am I supposed to keep pretending you’re not about to have a breakdown?"
"I'm fine." Why couldn’t they let it go? Let the shit go.
"Bullshit. That's why Coach benched the captain during a Tuesday scrimmage. Because everything's fine."
I didn't answer. Leave me alone Dylan.
"Whatever it is," he said, "you need to fucking let it go and get your head in the game. Otherwise, you can kiss the rest of this season, the NHL combine and draft goodbye. You're our Cap. Get it together, man. You’ve worked too fucking hard to let it all go."
He skated off, and I sat there, watching my team practice without me. As Garcia snapped at Dylan for missing a shot, I shook my head. He’s such a fucking dick. I placed my head in my hands and tried to push away every fucked up thing in my life, so I could focus on the only thing that mattered.
Hockey.