Chapter 19 Alexsei
ALEXSEI
Kalina and I adapted to this new edition of our routine.
Every night, she would come into my room or I would visit hers.
Each day, we spent time with Misha and just relaxing in or outdoors.
But it was the nighttime trysts that we both seemed so eager for.
There was a chance that she might be confusing her reliance on me as a safety net, just because of the heat of the moment. Maybe she was placing too much of an emphasis of her recovery on getting pleasure from me. But I tried not to dwell on the dynamics of it all.
I kept my plan simple—to make her feel as comfortable and safe as possible.
Hopefully, I’d be able to avoid getting too attached to her in the process.
That already seemed like a lost cause. The more time we spent together, learning about each other outside of bed, had me wanting to know everything about what made her the sweet, calm woman that she was.
With every stolen night of passion we shared, forced together to live in this cabin with no escape, it felt like a vacation from reality, a break from life that I hadn’t realized I’d needed.
In the back of my mind lurked the fact that this couldn’t last. My idea of getting her out of my uncle’s house was based on giving her privacy, peace, and quiet to get her to snap out of that quiet shell.
I hadn’t brought her out here to take advantage of her or get her to cling to me.
We just clicked. It just happened between us.
Magically.
Addictively.
Yet, it felt so right to be with her and support her. What started out as a way of distracting her with a kiss became something so much more.
That was why when Ivan called to check in and give me an update about the Riveras looking for her, I couldn’t help but think that reality was crashing back in, threatening this idyllic peace.
This isn’t a vacation.
I had to remember that.
We weren’t going to live in this cabin forever, indefinitely. Raisa would want to see her cousin. Kalina would need to heal further and figure out what she wanted in terms of her future, whether it was to stay with our family or to start her life somewhere else, out of her brother’s control.
I disliked the idea of her taking off. I was getting too attached, hung up on this bliss of her being with me, of her continuing to make Misha smile and laugh as they played.
Of us seeing how much further we could explore with each other intimately with this seamless affection we had both found with each other.
Thinking about going back to Luka’s mansion bothered me. I would do my duty, whatever that was supposed to entail. Protecting Kalina would always be my mission, but I wasn’t so stubborn and closed-minded to realize that some factors of this arrangement were likely to change.
I only hated for anything to change now.
“I can’t tell if they’re looking for her because they really wanted her out of any proposed transaction that Erik set up,” Ivan said, “or if they’ve gotten word that she’s under our protection and they want to fuck with us.”
I rolled my eyes. “When wouldn’t they want to fuck with us?” Those assholes always coveted what we had, and when they didn’t, they wanted to cause trouble for the hell of it.
The Riveras had always been our enemies. Even though we killed the leader, Marco, in the past, his son was definitely taking over what remained of their organization. Those Italians would hate us until they all died out, and likewise, we would view them as our adversary to fight.
“I wouldn’t worry too much about it, though,” Ivan said.
I couldn’t help but huff a wry laugh.
He raised his brows, looking surprised on the screen of my phone with this video call. “What was that for?”
I smirked. “You telling me not to worry when I am.”
“No…” It was his turn to scoff. “Hold on. Are you and Kalina—”
“I’m not saying anything,” I stated firmly. But it didn’t look like I needed to. He had already caught on to how possessive I was about this woman.
“You know, it’s not the smartest idea to start up something with her when—”
“It wasn’t an idea. Stupid or smart, it just happened.”
“So you two are…” He smiled, laughing once more but with incredulous mirth. “What does Misha think about this, uh, development?”
“He doesn’t know about that part of this development,” I admitted wryly.
I let out a big sigh, almost grateful that Ivan was putting me on the spot like this.
It forced me to confront that my son was growing just as attached to Kalina as I was.
Because if she decided to take off and not want to stay with us, if she valued her independence more than fitting in with us in what was starting to feel like a little family, he would be heartbroken.
“He adores her. I didn’t want to bring him at first, but in hindsight, I realize how instrumental he was in getting her out of her shell. They’ve been getting along really well together. It’s good for both of them.”
“That’s good,” he replied.
“Yes. But it will only be good for as long as she wants to be with us.” I shook my head, hating how negative and doubtful I already sounded about this new and excited feeling of having a partner in my life again.
“Never mind.” I cleared my throat, glad that Kalina was outside with Misha and not able to overhear this conversation.
I’d hate for her to think I was trying to exert control over her life.
“We need to focus on what’s happening right now.
Are you sure that the Riveras are not getting any closer to finding out where she is? ”
“I don’t see how they can. And that’s why I told you not to worry. Simon is the best of the best, and he won’t make a rookie mistake of leading anyone to track your location.”
I knew that, but still, I was tense. Deliveries came through an encrypted system. I was confident that even talking with him now would be untraceable. We had state-of-the-art technology and cyber experts for this reason.
Yet, I was aware that anything was possible. For all we knew, a mole or rat could be trying to turn traitor and sell intel to the Riveras. It had happened before, like with Gabriella being with Luka at first.
For now, the safest course of action was to keep Kalina out here where it would be harder for anyone to find us.
It was also, for now, my preferred course of action because I wanted to explore this new closeness that I couldn’t get enough of.
Because I don’t want to share her yet.
It was too addicting to consider her mine.
I couldn’t deny that to myself. Acknowledging how possessive I was over her was an important step for me, too.
I was honest in how she was getting to me, that each time she trusted me to show her how to feel so good, how to go to that ultimate bliss with me, she was helping me to heal.
She was giving me a reason to open my heart past the pain of failing Elena and not saving her life.
Helping Kalina get her grounding and worshiping her body every night were a phase of recovery that I needed to allow myself to consider love again.
The next day, when Simon called in with more accurate reports of how pissed the Riveras were with Erik for conning them, I grew more worried.
I kept my feelings to myself, not wanting to scare my son or Kalina, but I had to double-check that I wasn’t erring and going too lax with security. That was how I’d failed my wife. And I refused to fail Kalina or Misha. I couldn’t.
While they had dinner and wrapped up putting leftovers away, I told them I was checking on the guards patrolling outside.
Through the cold and the snow, I walked out there and found them.
“Hey,” Niko greeted.
He was one of the rotating guards assigned out here.
“Anything happening?”
He frowned then shook his head. “Nothing. Same old.”
Like the others, he was receiving updates from Simon. We were all up-to-date about the developments, but I hoped that checking with the guards would reinforce my belief that we were careful and taking every precaution.
After checking in with all the men I could see near the perimeter, I sighed and started the walk back to the cabin.
Shaking off this unease about keeping Kalina safe wasn’t happening. Anxiety gnawed on my nerves, eating away at me. It was the acute fear of losing her that forced me to recognize that this wasn’t just sex. It wasn’t only a style of helping her move past her trauma.
She was mattering too much, making me scared to ever see her harmed.
She won’t be.
I won’t repeat my mistakes.
There is no way in hell I’ll let anyone hurt her again.
As I lifted my face, the bite of the cold air on my skin chilled me.
But it wasn’t nearly as icy as the wrath in my veins that someone out there would want her back. Or dead.
That can’t happen.
Because I wasn’t sure I’d be able to ever forgive myself if I let her down like I had failed my wife.
I wasn’t sure I’d find the courage to continue without having her with me and fulfilling me with these budding forays into love.